I am sorry, Nas, for the challenge of all of those feelings popping up (I originally wrote pooping up before I corrected it….but maybe that’s more accurate!) and swirling around unwanted. (I think we get to a point as LBS when those pop up moments are deeply frustrating, when we just want to say ‘FFS I’ve done that already and I don’t want a return visit’
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You are entitled to feel how you feel and think what you think.
And
In the spirit of mirror polishing, I’d like to offer a different angle in case it is useful?
You were never responsible for your h’s behaviour which was s$itty and chilidish and abusive. Ridiculous actually. Neither were you responsible for how the other person on the call responded at the time. (Or didn’t. ) or the dog lol. You were only responsible for your own. And you did the best you could given what you knew and prioritised at the time. But perhaps you don’t feel too good about that with the gift of hindsight and all the things you know now that you did not know then. Shame is a f**ker, isn’t it? Which is understandable but perhaps not so kind or even fair to yourself. And maybe not so useful given that you don’t have a Time Machine. I have no doubt, even given the little I know about you from the Nas shared here, that you would respond differently today to similar circumstances - do you?
And the author? Well, I don’t know anything about their own experience of this kind of aggression and abuse…..bc of course our own experience shades our lens, doesn’t it? And you may not either as it is a professional relationship rather than a personal one. I don’t know how triggering it was for them, what they felt and thought about it at the time. Although I suspect it was uncomfortable in some way bc our little human animal systems tend to feel discomfort at best when we are exposed to this kind of thing even if we are not directly involved. And him not saying anything at the time? It was a new working relationship for both of you, it was happening remotely, it was a professional exchange centred on a specific task….a tricky call on his part whether to name the elephant or not, I’d guess, or whether it was unwelcome or presumptuous of him to do so.
What seems clear to me though based on the observable facts is that, while uncomfortable about it, he valued you sufficiently as a professional and a person to not only continue to work with you on that project but to choose to work with you on subsequent ones. It seems odd to think he would have done so if he judged you as “less than” in some way….or saw you through a filter of your h’s s$itty behaviour even. Quite a few folks would have chosen to avoid an ongoing professional relationship if they felt uncomfortable or saw someinevlike that imho. I read it as the almost the opposite to what you describe….that he had/has sufficient respect for you as a professional and a person that he chose to keep seeing you through that lens in your own right regardless of what was going on elsewhere in your life.
And bringing it up now? Again, no idea why he did or what might have evolved in his life or lens - did you ask? It’s true of course that, even at a professional level, continuing to work together off and on over a period of time allows a connection to evolve too. One learns more necessarily about the strands of another human the more interaction we have. And that can change the boundary lines of what we feel might be appropriate or not. Again, just based on the observable facts you shared, his language about it was tentative rather than direct, wasn’t it? Which suggested to me that he felt tentative about naming the elephant. And yet, as you say, the experience had struck him sufficiently at the time to stick with him in some way. Which tbh one could see as affirmation that the behaviour was as abnormal and disordered and plain wrong - and done to you not bc of you - as you would see it now. It wasn’t nothing. For you. And for him. Again fwiw, albeit tentatively, I could see what he said through a completely different lens….a bid to show support, solidarity, admiration and respect without galumphing over professional boundaries. Perhaps even some discomfort that he walked by on the other side of the metaphorical street when he now feels he should not have done so as a fellow human. I could see what he said as trying to communicate the exact opposite, supported by his actions too….that he chose/chooses to respect and value you despite the background noise of someone else’s s$it rather than viewing you through the lens of someone else’s s$it. And that he wanted to send some kind of signal about his choice to ignore the elephant in the past or reassure himself that you are now elephant-free and ok despite any past silence in his part or feels that the professional relationship has evolved now to the point where you might discuss the previously undiscussable. Which of course is more about where he is at than where you are at, as is often the case for we humans as you know
No way of knowing but tbh the observable facts don’t seem to line up so well with that ‘diminished’ story. Jmo. And, again as you know, shame is a big fat manipulative liar that always seem to take the glass half full and turn into into a dung pile, right? Imho it’s almost a secret weapon of the disordered and abusive….not their actions but how we convert their actions into our failures. Just Say No, I say lol.
On a side note, working as a coach sometimes involves me trying to make a judgement call about when or if or how it is appropriate to name the elephant. Sometimes I call it right, sometimes not. Most times, I can’t know for sure until the other person has time to chew on it a bit. Elephant naming is a bit of a high risk contact sport imho.
When you do it in a professional context, and bc hopefully you are working within a good professional framework, you approach it with some conscious deliberation about your own agenda or influences and some respectful detachment about how the other person might or might not respond. A sort of deep professional kindness that isn’t about me is the best way I can describe it….tbh more of an art than a science. In RL, we tend not to do that, do we? Either we don’t have the skills or the context is different or the implied (or explicit) boundaries and expectations are different.
I have recently been coaching someone who is operating in the context of recovering from an emotionally abusive (and sometimes physically) relationship. The coaching is not focused on that, but it flavours her lens significantly (understandably). What is interesting to see is how her default narratives come online and how quickly, how the words she uses repeat and tell a particular story which does not always line up with the observable facts. And how that is not always so helpful for her. As a coach, I have a level of permission, I suppose, to speak as a kind of factual ‘reality fairy’….to challenge the picture in the mirror, I suppose….but it comes with big health warnings even so. For her and me. Our mirrors serve a purpose….until they don’t. And the place in between mirrors is full of hidden land mines. On a personal level, I can find her ability to go from x blindingly obvious fact to y default narrative a bit shocking….but on a professional level, I know that this doesn’t matter, that my job is to help her polish corners and edges of her own mirror. And to do so with deep respect for her as a person. I have never, not once, seen her as less than or as diminished in any way by what has happened to her or even by her own mirror on it……I have frequently been deeply moved by her courage and resilience in surviving and picking up her own polishing cloth though.
With my quasi-professional hat on, I don’t know what you will take from this interaction. My best guess though is that something about it matters very much to you so there’s a fair chance that something to be found from it might matter to you too. Life seems to poke us in the eye that way sometimes, doesn’t it? And that you might find it interesting that it is so very easy for my cheap seats mirror to reflect a picture that is almost exactly the opposite of your own based on some of the same observable facts……
Anyone else have a vanisher 23?
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