[nah]

Funny you mention the book, ML…

Does these things happen to others with vanishers?

About three years after BD, a group of friends betrayed me (long story), and reunited with the leaver. The main couple of the betrayal group, the husband “Arnold” was high school best friends with the leaver but his wife”Peggy” , was the main sh!t stirrer. She loved drama. In fact, she cheated, divorced and then came back and remarried “Arnold”. She knew she could bc for some reason, Arnold is her main door mat and he goes back for more, again and again for 30+ years now. I’ve known them both the whole time.
They were very supportive when leaver first left. Peggy loved the drama and called me daily, I was desperate for support, weak, so I welcomed the calls. Once I became stronger, she became jealous, uninvited me to a trip, and made Arnold send the message that they ” had a vote and my personality didn’t fit the trip” !!
Two days later Arnold posted pictures of the leaver and his affair partner on Fakebook as the “best couple” for a contest.
I’m not kidding.
So I blocked them and never spoke to them again. Months later, Peggy messaged me, sent letters through mail, called mutual friends to contact me, to tell me that they missed me and adored me.
 I ignored every message.

Here’s the sad part.
I loved Arnold’s family. Met them through the leaver and actually spent holidays with them for years. They made us feel part of their family. When I was betrayed (from leaver and also Arnold), I had to step away. Arnold’s family never betrayed me but I stepped away bc of him. The leaver rejoined their band from high school, Arnold and his oldest sister.
During this time his oldest sister was dying of cancer and has since died. When she died, I knew I didn’t belong at the funeral. I sent flowers with a letter expressing how much I admired older sister. I wasn’t even sure if the flowers reached the intended parties.
She died about 3 years ago.
Yesterday I received a friend request from one of the other sisters. I hesitated (possibly a Peggy game?) but accepted.
“J” sent me a message.
Mainly- the mother also died (like many, I loved her dearly, she was a sweet person), J was living in the house with the oldest sisters daughter, until Peggy had them kicked out so they could sell the house. Oh, that definitely sounds like Peggy.
Here’s the main point, though, (if you’re still reading, lol)
The last book the oldest sister read was mine. 

Not only did she read it, she highly recommended it to the other sisters! She talked about how much she loved it and how proud she was of me.
I had no idea.
I cried my eyes out when she died. Watched the videos of her memorial (the leaver sang several songs, I wasn’t watching for him, I was watching for her) her daughter sang, people I knew and loved for so many years. I stayed away bc of leaver and Peggy.
I never knew she read my book and cared about what happened. Like the interaction I had a few weeks back with “Mary” (btw, Mary doesn’t know this family, it’s the other side).
So weird, many years later, within a few weeks, I get two validations. This one, way bigger and satisfying.
I always admired Vikki (the older sister), she was so musically talented and had a beautiful heart. She read my book and recommended it!
That means more to me than if not one other person ever read it. <3

[MadLuv]

Isn’t it crazy how that happens. She found a way to get that info to you, didn’t she?? It’s a great book and like my journalling it was raw and accurate to the moments you experienced. I have no doubt in my story I have seemed unhinged at time, because I was! Haha not any longer.

So, let me tell you a funny story as well.
My XH wife ( OW) manager was a very close friend of he and I. She came to the hospital when my daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia. Raised money for her memorial. Over 2k. Brought us food and groceries. Well, she is the one that contacted my XH boss and told him he was having a relationship with the hourly employee. That I know was the beginning of the end of his job. However, when he got fired she called him. Said why?? Why were you fired??? Can you believe that? And he answered and took the call and never has once mentioned he knows she turned him in. His avoidance and will power to keep things in is unbelievable, but yes. 

I once heard a phrase in an old movie and it applies here

Don’t  apologize for suspecting people. Keep right on. Ring every coin you meet. There are lots of wooden nickels in circulation

[nah]

Oh yes, the avoidant behavior.
In the early days I labeled him as a vanisher with MLC.

But that avoidant behavior, as much as it was devastating at the time I used it for my advantage. Even on this site, the advisors recommend highly to protect finances. If they will betray, we all know, they will have no problem destroying us financially. We can’t nice them out of this, so file and file quickly. When I did, he wanted to cut me off but in just a few short days I realized he was afraid to even look at me, so I used his weakness.
I need to pay the bills so either -
Meet with me and discuss.
Hand me cash.
Or
Make a direct deposit every first of the month for x amount.

If you don’t agree with the amount, call me.

When he made the deposit without a word, I knew I had him. Financially at least.

[MadLuv]

Yep! In the depths of despair it is the one thing I am most proud of was to protect myself financially and my children. Also, No one can benefit from his death but me.  His W beat get all she can now   He has to pay me weekly for another 12 years, so I will have to cross his mind for quite a while

[One day at a time]

That being said, even though I’m more myself now (that took years too, old timers would remember my crazy 😜) , I am also forever changed. Some for the better, I’m waaaay more independent. Some just different, I carry grief for my former life still. It’s not painful like it was, but it’s always there.
My son said a few weeks ago that he felt like his father died that day he left, and said “you must feel like that too”.
Yes. I do. I felt like the husband and family I once had died.
I’ve accepted it, I no longer obsess, but it’s forever there.

This comment resonated with me.. I also feel more myself now, probably more than when I was with H even. I'm improved version of myself in many ways and I found happiness in things that I didn't appreciate before of took for granted.. But the grief for the life I lost, the innocence that is no longer there, the death of my former life.... that grief is still very present and I'm not sure it will ever go completely away

[Nas]

It’s a good thing I’ve been doing the work in therapy or my trauma response would be really bad tonight. I took a med I’ve been prescribed for sleep. And I’m super sick from an infusion I had on Monday, so just to make sure I slept, tossed in half a Xanax and a Benadryl tab. So I’m still awake but also a zombie. And I smelled smoke but it didn’t really register…

So now I’m sitting in my car because I’m drugged up and can’t drive. And I’m nauseous beyond words. And there’s a fire in the building. And the relentless blaring alarm noise is making my anxiety reach new heights. And I’m reminded I have nowhere to go. Sometimes life likes to remind me of that…

[Dragonfly33]

What I admire about you Nas is your resilience. You keep going even if things can be really very tough sometimes. Did I understand it right that your place is on fire? If it is, do you have family or friends you can call and pick you up. I’m so sorry about what happened. I’ll pray you’ll get through this too just like how you managed in the past. Thinking of you today.

[Nas]

Thanks, DF. Gosh I’m tired and nauseous.

Yes, so there was a fire in the building. It happened right after I took a sleeping pill and some extra meds to ensure that I would sleep because I thought sleeping would help me feel better. Silly me.

The good news: the fire was contained to one apartment, the sprinklers never went off in my apartment, and at the end of the chaos, I had a place to go back to.

If this had happened even a year ago, I don’t know how I would be feeling right now. But this is why doing the work to start healing is so essential. Last night was a mess and triggering as all hell, but here I am today knowing that last night was last night and today is today and I’m okay now.

I had taken a lot of sleep meds, and I’m in the recovery phase of a treatment, so I was feeling extra out of it. And for what seemed like a really long time, I didn’t know what was going on and I of course thought the worst and was like OMFG, where am I going to go, what am I going to do.
Then at a point I drifted off to sleep in my car, which, if you know my story of being previously unhoused, was more for me than just a nap in the car. trauma triggers galore.

But it’s over now (keep repeating that to myself). Scary and disruptive things happen and it’s out of our control. But it’s over now. In the midst of trauma, knowing that is a huge win.

 

[Dragonfly33]

Happy to know you still have a place to go back to. I don't really know everything about your story but what I know from what you've written here is that you are such a strong person. I can relate with the trauma reactions as I still have them now. And it is really paralyzing you haven't healed yet, especially when those traumas are being triggered. I hope one day you don't have to take meds anymore for sleeping and I hope whatever treatment you're going through right now, it will be succesful and you will be healed totally. Rooting for you Nas.

[Nas]

Another vanisher story: my uncle was found in his house today. He'd been dead for probably several days. Mine was for some reason the only contact info they could find, which is odd since I hadn't spoken to him for a very, very long time.

He was married with no kids and he and his wife traveled a lot, so they never really put down roots. As a child, I lived in incredible fear constantly and he would show up every so often and "save" me from my abusive home life, take me to stay with him and his wife wherever they were staying, tell me I would be staying with them, then without explanation, bring me back home and then he'd disappear for months or even years, only to come back and do the same thing. Every time he showed up, I felt the same childish hope, and every time, it was the same thing but I never learned because, well, I was a child, full of hope and full of faith in people. When I left home just before my 17th birthday, I pretty much left him behind as well, seeing him only a few times over the years.

I guess at some point they stopped traveling and settled in one place. Two years before my former H left, my uncle's wife left him after 22 years of marriage. She effectively ghosted him. He left for work, she packed up her things and all trace of her was gone when he got home and she never told him why. (We can probably guess.) I didn't see him much but from what I've heard, her leaving broke him and he was never the same.

So today is a raw, rainy day here and I made my first stew of the season and was just thinking about how I can't wait to finish working so I can relax for the first time in a week. I have a deadline for work that I can't miss and it's a really detail-intensive job that requires my full attention. My phone rang and I never answer numbers I don't know but I answered this one and it was the police in my uncle's town. So now I can't concentrate. It's weird to be thinking of stew when someone is dead. I don't know why, it just is. It's complicated to think of our relationship and how now I can never ask him why he kept coming and going, why he kept sending me back to what he knew he was sending me back to. Why he kept taking me out of it in the first place, because sending me back was always worse than if he had never taken me away from it at all.

And I'm thinking of his wife. His vanisher. The police called her first. Her response to a call from the police that her exH was dead? "We are no longer married." 

So that's why they called me. Why he had my contact info, I'll never know. Maybe he was going to call me one day to explain himself.