[Dragonfly33]

Hey Nas this too shall pass! Sending you big hugs!

[nah]

So I had an interesting interaction a few weeks ago.

Across the street from my house is a park that sometimes has festivals, food trucks, live music. etc. Keep in mind that this park is also walking distance from my daughter (who hasn’t spoke to me in 8 years), my sister-in-law (3rd in line to the biggest betrayal, right behind the leaver and daughter) and a few other betrayers that are not as significant.
I’m with my husband, watching a band and a familiar face from the past stops, looks, and tentatively walks over. She asked if I remembered her. Of course, I said her name and asked how she was.

She is ex-sister-in-laws - sister in law. (Ex sister in laws, husband’s sister). By coincidence, the park where we were has a rentable boathouse, which is where the in-laws had the gathering after my father in laws funeral. I was leaning against the very same building. That awful day was 8 years ago. We were still legally married. The Leaver brought his young girlfriend to the wake and they both sat arm in arm in the front row. The in-laws, my daughter, accepted her and ignored my existence. I was a walking zombie. The pain was indescribable and they all blamed me for “making a scene”, which I was quietly sitting in the back until my azzhole mother in law approached me, but I digress.

“Mary”, along with dozens of others were there that day. All these years I felt everyone (except son) accepted that they were a lovely in love couple, and I didn’t belong there.

She didn’t hesitate. “Oh my God, that display was horrible. Him with that little young thang on his arm. I wanted to vomit. You were amazing, dignified. I don’t know how you did it. Shame on all of them”.
She went on and on.

Even after all these years, it felt good to finally hear someone else’s perspective.

[MadLuv]

Oh wow, when you have time that will be a worth while share. Did she have any new insight on how that relationship is? I assume not well. Very interesting. I still can’t believe your daughter hasn’t come around. I was terrified that was where my daughter and I’s relationship was headed. Something awoke in her when I told her I would not battle anything. That she can look back at her life and see who the parent that was the one who no matter what was always there. That changed everything, well so far…..

I hope you can share more details Nah . Would love to hear

[beyondblessed]

I'm not really surprised by this woman's perspective,  especially since she had a little more distance from the situation back then. I think people closer to it just really want to minimize the damage and terrible things the MLC'er does in an attempt to make themselves look and feel better about their brother/sister/son/daughter, whatever destroying another person's life.  Either way, it is good to know that not everyone is drinking the kool aid lol

[Thunder]

That had to feel good, Nah.   

I'm sure she was not the only one who saw what was really going on that day and how she saw you only paying your respects with your head held high with much dignity.

I agree with her "Shame on all of them."

[Treasur]

Imho anyone who uses a funeral - the kind of ultimate ‘it’s not about you’ event  - to do a twu luv show and tell is lacking some tools in their basic human toolbox.

But it’s about this really, isn’t it, Nah?

All these years I felt everyone (except son) accepted that they were a lovely in love couple, and I didn’t belong there.

That little bit of validation, even belated, that you were not nuts, not unreasonable, not to blame, not unseen or irrelevant in part of your own life.
There’s a time, sometimes quite a long time, when we LBS can feel as if we are in one of those weird movies when we see horrible things but everyone else seems to be bowling along not seeing them, where we are screaming (metaphorically or really) that this isn't Normal but everyone else seems to behave as if it is and we are not reacting the way they think we should. It’s a kind of communal gaslighting really, isn’t it? Like a lot of gaslighting, i’m not sure it’s done with big malevolent intent....it’s just that other people find their version of reality more comfortable than looking ours in the eye.  But it can leave you feeling quite nuts.....tbh there are things my xh did or said that I did not tell anyone about bc it made me feel as if I would sound nuts just saying it out loud 

It was never you, Nah.
Shame on all of them, as Thunder said. And it obviously bothered ‘Mary’ enough years on that she needed to say what she said.....which is imho a solid bit of evidence that it was not you and that it was not normal.
And I hope that small bit of belated validation soothes some bit of your spirit even now.

[OffRoad]

Nutballs, all of 'em. Nice that "Mary" told you after all this time, but what was the reason she didn't tell you THEN?  (Inquiring minds want to know....)

I have to say the one thing I have really learned from MLC and that is the quality of the people I know and knew. I get it if someone is shocked and it takes them a bit to figure out where they stand. I understand children needing to be Switzerkids for themselves and pray they get it if they should be used/abused/manipulated and learn how to keep that from happening. What I DON'T get is people who KNOW right from wrong, who DON'T think the behavior is appropriate or OK, and say nothing at all.  I suppose I am not so afraid to "lose" a "friend" that I won't tell them that they might want to rethink what they are doing (or even that how they left their spouse was not honorable). My true friends know enough to take what I say, weigh it, use what they can and throw away the rest. I do the same with what they say. How else can you know when you are behaving like a bozo if your friends won't tell you?

It is nice to hear that there were perspectives that were not "you didn't belong there." Because you most definitely did, exactly as you did.

[MadLuv]

Offroad-
 I just had this conversation with my sister the other day. I said if you were acting a fool And out of character you better believe I’m saying something. Her own son left his pregnant wife and has never met the child past the birth. I not only told him what he did was wrong, I have had in-depth conversations with him on fixing it before its to late. This was before his Uncle left me . I can not understand my XH brothers or mother just letting him be. Not saying a word. They just dont talk to him. His mother said, if he decides he wants to have a relationship with us I guess we will hear from him. His brother said, the next time I see him will probably be at his funeral and He doubts he would show if their mother died. I think I understand why my XH is where he is.

[nah]

Nutballs, all of 'em. Nice that "Mary" told you after all this time, but what was the reason she didn't tell you THEN?  (Inquiring minds want to know....)

My best guess was it was a funeral and there really wasn’t an appropriate time. I was the first one out of there (for good reason) and I never saw that side of the family again.

But yes, as the rest of you said, a little bit of validation felt good, even after all these years.

MadLuv, I understand your question of wondering if she has a window in their relationship. For me, no, I’m over 9 years out. Even though I called him a vanisher in the early days, he wasn’t. If I contacted him, he usually responded. Sure, the responses were not what I wanted to hear, but he responded. But that was years ago. He is truly a vanisher now. We have had zero contact for years (I’m not even sure how long). His life is his life and mine is mine. We are both married to other people now.
That being said, even though I’m more myself now (that took years too, old timers would remember my crazy 😜) , I am also forever changed. Some for the better, I’m waaaay more independent. Some just different, I carry grief for my former life still. It’s not painful like it was, but it’s always there.
My son said a few weeks ago that he felt like his father died that day he left, and said “you must feel like that too”.
Yes. I do. I felt like the husband and family I once had died.
I’ve accepted it, I no longer obsess, but it’s forever there.

[MadLuv]

Totally understand Nah, I knew you were in A better place, but since she approached in that manner was curious if she offered more. I feel the same. Like it is a death and like you My XH always responds I just no longer reach out. And of course I read your book, so I’m
Invested in the story.  LOL