Am I right that your H and your father were good listeners?
You are correct, OP in that observation.
I was the opposite of my mother, OP; she was a quiet person, and I was more like my dad in personality; a very outgoing person who loves people and loves to talk(can't you tell by my LONG posts? LOL!)My dad and mom were total opposites...my dad was a very outgoing, well thought of man...at least to the people who knew him at his work and other places...at home, he was a totally different story; abusive in an emotional and physical way; he had NO self control..he had a fear of authority, and was sneaky at times.
He was also controlling, manipulating, and challenged me because he told me many times as I was growing up that I would NEVER be worth a dime or make it in this world...something that would normally destroy one's confidence..and it hurt me, as I DID have low self-esteem, low self image, and my confidence in myself was not good...on top of that, I was a perfectionist, and way too hard on myself.
The emotional pattern continued when I married my husband..the physical abuse was NOT continued there; I drew the line about that before we married...and spent the first year or so of our marriage having nightmares about what I suffered as a child in the way of beatings that came from my dad. I carry physical scars to this day from those beatings that were admininstered with sometimes anything that was within reach..most of the time it was spark plug wires, fan belts, or extension cords with the plugs turned outward.
And I shouldn't ever wonder why I took 6 years to navigate The Change, besides my husband slowing me down; I had ALOT to process from both my childhood AND my marriage.
I'm no longer damaged from what happened, I remember, but don't remember..and sometimes I have to deal with someone who suffered in this way, and I use my experience to help them understand they're not alone, and we can accept, forgive and heal from the damage.
Within my marriage, my husband treated me like a child, belittled my accomplishments, was never interested in what I was doing in my life, withheld his love if I didn't act or think like he thought I should...he was totally controlling and sometimes manipulating..he did that, and I ALLOWED it in ignorance for the first 15 years of our marriage.
When my dad died the 9th year we were married, my husband changed, or seemed to, and for two years, he became what I needed, but I had still learned NOTHING in the way of boundaries;(neither had he) and when my husband's mother died, he reverted right back to what he had been for then on until his MLC, when things got REALLY bad.
My "guide" or sounding board of a sort that helped me through it, also helped me to do the "mirror" work; the Lord used her to show me that my husband had had TOTAL control of me, he was the puppeteer, and I was the puppet. And although, I let him go in the beginning of his MLC, he didn't want that at all, he thought I was out growing him, and when he couldn't regain control of me, he went further into the tunnel....at least until the bomb that took the form of internet porn dropped on me, and then a couple of months later OW showed, and I nearly went crazy both times. I turned back THEN turned on him..and you know the story..but the point is that my husband had decided that I didn't love him anymore, never mind that he didn't love ME anymore, either...at least during that time.
He equated love with control, and love is NOT controlling, but I had to teach him that as I laid my boundaries down to stop the total disrespect cycle that had started.
When I wouldn't allow him to control me, I stood the chance of losing him, and I knew that..but I also knew I couldn't live like that anymore...and took steps to break the cycle..the tantrum I spoke of that I triggered within my husband.
Anyway, we generally look to find what is familiar to us, and we subconsciously repeat a cycle of life that we are familiar with, that is what my husband did with me,(because his sister mostly raised him) and it is what I'd done with him....so you're correct, OP.
What got sticky, was when I broke the cycle of emotional abuse, setting a boundary and making a stand, I was GAMBLING that I could lose my husband over it...now, the Lord told me it wouldn't happen, but there was always that chance he could have changed his mind at any time and still left, but I decided within myself that I would NOT take emotional abuse anymore, and I continued to shoot it down when he would try it even as he came out of the tunnel.
Old dogs, new tricks, and I had to keep after him until it was complete.
Takes time to learn better habits of dealing with people..and it took him time, too, just like it took me time.
Marriage is a vehicle to learning, and I learned that lesson well.
You did fine, OP, considering you didn't have a lot of detail on me...sometimes detail will be needed, sometimes not..it will always depend upon the situation at hand....you will find as your insight/intuition continues to grow that you will "know" things without being told; get used to that, it is important that you develop this talent...your perception will deepen, and you will find yourself "drawing" things out of situations without realizing it...it will get natural for you after you adjust to it.
You are already doing this to some extent, and I will say this, although I think I said it before...you are much further along and developed than I was when I pushed my husband into his tantrum....someone else had to totally guide me into it...I was only there to confirm what you ALREADY knew would need to happen; you were just not sure about it, was having trouble trusting yourself, and that's all right; we all need help sometimes....and I'm thankful the Lord placed me just where I needed to be to help you.
That is what I'm here for most of the time, to help people draw the answers from within them, confirm their feelings and point out things they cannot see because they are mostly too close to their own situation...the proverbial forest of trees.
But, as people learn to deal on their own, that is usually when I'm drawn backwards, I'm supposed to do that after helping one develop a strong intuition that is already there, but just needs a confidence boost, and some help in growing.
You do not give yourself enough credit, OP...I can't say I'm an expert YET. There's so much more to learn, and you learn as you go....I've answered MANY questions over time, and sometimes I STILL need help..and I turn to the Lord for that....sometimes someone human is sent to help me, sometimes not; it depends upon the situation at hand.
God works in mysterious ways for sure.
Have a good one, and thanks; I apologize if I seemed to put you on the spot, I didn't really mean to, but the thought of giving you a little exercise crossed my mind, and I did NOT mind you analyzing me at all.
When he no longer sees us as a couple
Author
Topic: