Just checking in.
My brother is going through his own midlife crisis- up and split from his significant other that he's been with for 16 years. Swore up and down he's never been happy, they were wasted years and she's just the worst thing ever. "He's living for himself now", deserves to be happy and do what he wants etc. All the classic phrases verbatim. I noticed the signs and told him calmly and rationally that he shouldn't be so quick to act and think things through. Take time, be sure. If you are truly unhappy- figure out why. All of this was in January. In June he told us he met a girl (23) and was going to get married in January of 2025. I just shook my head. It's a very volatile relationship and he hates how immature she can be. Which brings us to last weekend when we had a family FaceTime with my older brother. mom, him and I. He asked us if he messed up with his "wife". It was quiet and then I said yes. I was honest. Honest in a way I wished people had been with my husband. You CAN love and care for someone and still call them out on crappy behavior. And he thanked me for doing that. Family is family and you should be able to have those conversations knowing they come from a place of love.
Anyway- my brother called her. She didn't answer. My mom and I have been in contact with her since he left. She was in our lives for 16 years, the only aunt my kids really know. I wish my husband's family had done the same. This whole situation has brought up some ptsd, feelings and emotions and long conversations with my husband. It has also made me realize just how common it is. AND also equally as common for people to just write it off and accept it. So crazy. "Oh he's just having a midlife crisis." Like that makes it ok or easier to grasp.
As for my husband and I, things are going great. Probably the best they have ever been. We just celebrated our 1 year anniversary (or 26th depending on how you count it). He still has some depressive moments, but realizes when he's low and how it's affecting him. He wants to be better and he's looking for help with that. The biggest part is he realizes it's him, his disease and that blaming or projecting doesn't make it go away. Depression is chemical. And counseling can help with figuring out why you're displacing blame and anger. Helps you realize who your support team is and when you are chasing a temporary high to fight the darkness. Those highs are fleeting and at the end you are left by yourself and still unhappy.
Kids are still working things out with my husband. Oddly enough it's our youngest that's having the hardest time. I suggested joint counseling for just them. I'm not totally sure if my husband realizes how much him leaving and saying he didn't want to be a dad hurt her. Partly because he never loved his parents as deeply or unconditionally as our kids do. His parents were very stand offish and cold. So him really processing the difference will help.
I guess that's it. So thankful this rollercoaster is over however there were lots of lessons learned and strength gained through it all. I'm so sorry for everyone who is experiencing this. It's terrible and no words can alleviate that kind of pain, heart ache and confusion. Sending love and light and will keep checking in.
YOU keep interrupting his crisis. YOU keep him distracted with all your questions, statements and observations. YOU keep him from facing himself, from feeling the pain of missing his family (until he is ready to do something about it...or not ). YOU are keeping him from fully feeling and facing the man he is. Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down. Bow out...its not about you! I sometimes feel they have stranded themselves on some deserted island. They have done that to themselves as a result of their own actions, choices, behaviors. They need to figure out how to get off the island...the messy painful island they put themselves on. Stop taking him fresh water, food, homemade baking, clean clothes etc....why would he try to make himself better?
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His MLC and my journey