thissucks7788-
as far as I know there was no other person. I've asked and he's said no. And I'm ok with accepting that. My husband's crisis was very much depression centered. We've talked about things a bit outside of counseling and I've asked him if we would answer some questions on here. I think we may do that this weekend. As for reconciliation, it's hard. Hard because you have to accept what they've done and process that in a way that lets you move forward with them. And that process is different for everyone. My husband went to AA and was doing really well. He does drink every once and awhile and that is really our only hurdle at the moment. I can't help but think "goodness, we've been down this road before". There are smaller bumps in the road as is with every relationship. But what I've noticed is we talk about things now. Instead of just reacting and expecting...we are communicating and working through things. I'm a big proponent of counseling. My oldest are both married and I highly encouraged them both to do relationship counseling. Setting a foundation for communication and understanding. Marriage is hard. It takes work. Counseling isn't about blaming each other. It's about finding tools for communicating, forgiving and loving each other.
I don't foresee my husband spiraling again because we are in a much better place relationship wise. But I know if we did- I'd be ok. I know that if things ever get to a point where I don't feel valued and respected...I can leave. I not longer have that dependency and need for our marriage. We are choosing to be together. We are choosing to put in the work. Hindsight is 20/20. I was so blindsided and crushed when he quit on me. Some nights I wished I wouldn't wake in the morning. When I realized that - I put in the work on myself. No one should be that dependent on someone. When we got back together - it was my choice. My terms. He had to earn back my trust on my time. And in return, I opened myself up again to loving him and giving him a chance. Which is no small feat when you've been hurt so badly.
All that said, I would stay calm cool and collected. Know that no matter what happens- you are going to be fine because you have your sh*t together. Their problems are their issues. And all we can do is be willing to help them through them. We can't control their actions. They have to be culpable for what they do. And there are very real consequences for hurting us again. Standing was hard. But reconciling can be harder. Just make sure you look out for yourself. That you are getting what you want out of the marriage. Protect your heart. Take time to yourself when PTSD hits (especially with questionable actions). Allow yourself to feel and process all those emotions. When we bury things it seeds resentment.
I wish you best and all the strength and light!
YOU keep interrupting his crisis. YOU keep him distracted with all your questions, statements and observations. YOU keep him from facing himself, from feeling the pain of missing his family (until he is ready to do something about it...or not ). YOU are keeping him from fully feeling and facing the man he is. Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down. Bow out...its not about you! I sometimes feel they have stranded themselves on some deserted island. They have done that to themselves as a result of their own actions, choices, behaviors. They need to figure out how to get off the island...the messy painful island they put themselves on. Stop taking him fresh water, food, homemade baking, clean clothes etc....why would he try to make himself better?
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His MLC and my journey