[KellBell]

Sometimes, it is better not to hear from them at all.It feels like a "ghost" writing that has no heart or soul.

My kids call him a robot. No heart or soul...just nothing.

[MadLuv]

And all I can do is shake my head. How does any parent just not feel or care or concern themselves with their kids? How do you not ask follow up questions or call her or comfort her? How do feel that is a normal response? How do you live with yourself having only texted less than 20 words to her in 5 weeks and not heard her voice in over 3 months? So so crazy. And all you can really do is just shake your head

  It is pretty script. They can barely deal with themselves. They know they should love them and be in contact, but they feel guilty  and detached. My XH messages our son much like that. S29 says he just stop responding to his dad because he said it just gets weird. I just remind S29 that is dad thinks the world of him. That hopefully he will figure himself out , but to never doubt that his dad loves him.

[KellBell]

journaling-

Reality- reality is really our friend during all this. Real world consequences that perforate that selfish illusion they create. My xh just got a real nice dose of reality yesterday from our accountant. Tax ramifications for next year (and the foreseeable future) for not having dependents and being single. How you didn't have an accountant or even do your own research into how the divorce would affect you financially is just nuts. Anyway- made my day yesterday when he texted all upset. Not that I like to see him in distress, but just having to face the reality of what he's done- even in little doses is nice.

 

[MomOfSteel]

I’m so sorry your kids have to deal with his nuttiness.  Mine sees mine regularly but they hate it because they feel it is all fake.  There is no winning with these MLCers.  I can totally relate to the tax consequences and it feels to me like a small bit of justice.  Mine flips out that he has to pay all the taxes on the support and it is significant and his deductions have gone away.  Mine doesn’t realize the full implications yet but I predict he will have a massive federal tax bill next year he’s not expecting.  I get not liking to see them upset but it feels like a small bit of Karma when they all of a sudden realize a tiny bit of the consequences that are self inflicted and they can’t blame on us.  Mine was upset he now has to give me more of his take home pay than he gets to keep.  Guess he should have thought of that before.

[Chicolynn]

Ohh I didn't even think about the taxes.. him being single now and no one to claim... just made my day!! 

[KellBell]

journaling-

something I noticed that is just baffling (as if all of this chaos isn't)- is how just so disconnected my xh and I are. And I know- we're divorced and he's having an identity crisis. But for 25 years we joked about the same things, agreed on so many things and saw things the same way. We weren't exactly the same, but just complimented each other so well and were so compatible. I recently talked to my xh and joked about something- and he didn't get it. It's like he purposefully disagrees with me just to disagree. It's so weird and bizarre. There is no way he faked his way through 25 years of laughing, joking, conversing and making life decisions. So I just find it weird to be so disconnected when we were instep for so long. Could look at each other and know what the other was thinking and laugh at the same silly things. Just crazy. And it hurts the soul have shared so much and been so in tune with someone- and now not even recognize this stranger.

[Zion]

Right! I wonder the same! How did it feel so easy with this man for 21 years then… done. Most married people didn’t seem as compatible and I felt lucky. That all changed when the alienator entered the picture. 

[KellBell]

journaling-


Contact with the children:

He's still incredibly inconsistent and only texts our D10. It's been 3+ months since his last visit to see her. The last text he sent said something like "I miss your smile and happiness." Which I thought was sweet for about 5 seconds. Then I thought...but not enough to come see her? Or call her? Or have her in your life? 

Something my daughter mentioned the other night really upset me. D10 said that she was going to facetime her dad that night. I said that's fine- what are going to show him or talk about? And she said she didn't know. Just that it had been a longtime since she had seen his face. The last time he visited she asked him why he doesn't talk or text her much. And he replied "I'm waiting for you to text me."

This rubbed me the wrong way for a number of reasons but mainly- 1). He's the parent in that relationship and he's placing all the responsibility of keeping up that relationship on a ten year old. WTF!?  and 2). Talk about manipulation. He hurt her. He left her. And yet she's the one who is supposed to keep risking being hurt by reaching out again and again? How does he see this as ok?

I try to stay out of his life and his crisis, but it's really hard when it effects my children.


and on another note. My bestfriend was in town last weekend and we were talking about what I thought my life would be like in 5 years or ten years, was I ever going to remarry etc. And I said I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure if I would ever have that familiarity and closeness with someone again. That bond that comes with sharing 25 years worth of experiences. And she said - "well you can. You are only 42 and your next marriage could last even longer than 25 years." I think that was the first time I thought about it and that I can absolutely have another long term relationship. That I'm young and still have a lot of life yet to live. And that life doesn't have to be alone or less than what I had before. So that was comforting in a way. And funny that xh is thinking his life is almost over when really we have so much more left to live.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I try to stay out of his life and his crisis, but it's really hard when it effects my children.

This needs to be a firm boundary that he either commits to consistent time with your daughter or no time with your daughter. As I have said, boundaries are to protect you and your family-not punish him.

When you think of motivation and reward systems, there are consistent and intermittent reward. For example, after a month of work, I get paid. Every month. The system is fixed and consistent. It provides security.

The intermittent system is like a slot machine. There is no regular reward. It could come at anytime. This type of reinforcement is actually damaging and creates issues for your daughter.

I would consult and expert in this area and take immediate action. This is for your daughter emotional health and stability.

This is all tough, but your children deserve order and security in their lives.

((((Ready))))

[HeavenlyFocus]

and on another note. My bestfriend was in town last weekend and we were talking about what I thought my life would be like in 5 years or ten years, was I ever going to remarry etc. And I said I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure if I would ever have that familiarity and closeness with someone again. That bond that comes with sharing 25 years worth of experiences. And she said - "well you can. You are only 42 and your next marriage could last even longer than 25 years." I think that was the first time I thought about it and that I can absolutely have another long term relationship. That I'm young and still have a lot of life yet to live. And that life doesn't have to be alone or less than what I had before. So that was comforting in a way. And funny that xh is thinking his life is almost over when really we have so much more left to live.

Yes KellBell, we do have so much more time to live.  I also am not sure where I will be in 5 to 10 years, but I am open to all possibilities.   For now, I know I am not ready to date anyone but that could change.   You will be ok and will find a healthy relationship in the future if that is what you want.  I also agree with Ready about have firm boundaries regarding visitation.  Not easy when you are dealing with a broken MLCer but hoping your XH can find some footing to have some relationship with your daughter even it's limited.   

HF