[MadLuv]

KB-
Oh, I agree.  Everyone’s path is there own. I was just giving my insight as my own not as a judgement or statement of yours. Just that I could or thought things that then weren’t. I just learned to always proceed with caution and also I feel the same as being hurt and most likely only looking for friendship with mine mostly for our kids, so very sorry. I can tell by your response you took offense. That was not would ever be my intention. I feel sometimes when people give their insight it is taking wrong and it is just another view from their angle. I only want to give back and have peace also, so will refrain from commenting.

[KellBell]

madluv- no offense was taken. I just don't want anyone thinking I'm preaching or implying success when I'm not. I'm fully aware I'm just out of the gates in this race. This is just my story- for better or for worse. And my 'not comparing our stories' was meant for the whole forum. Every aspect is so different when comparing people's stories. MLC is so complex and personal - and when we are suffering as LBS it is so easy for us to want to latch onto someone else's situation and see the similarities and not feel alone. And if there's success in someone else's situation- we hope to make our situation fit. Which is fine...but as an LBS we also need to understand that our paths and our MLCers paths are so different. They are unique and individual. So it was really just a general statement I wanted to emphasize to the newcomers. What works for you may not work for me. And what works for another person may not work for you. OR anyone. So those statements weren't directed at you. Just a general thought I have been having when reading people's posts and responses. At the end of the day, we have to do what works best for us and our situation. That's all- so we're all good!

By no means am I perfect. I let my xh stay at my house for pete's sake! And although it was fine and everything worked out...it was a boundary I shouldn't have allowed to be crossed so early in this process. So I'm still learning to navigate all of this. And it's a crappy bumpy road with lots of twists and turns. Just when you think you get the hang of things, you hit a pothole. I didn't swerve on this one. I hit it dead on- and although it didn't cause any damage I know I need to keep a better eye on things. Because a couple more of these could total my car.

[MadLuv]

Agreed!! And my comment was exactly that as well. My situation with no implications to yours. Just relating to what you stating, but mine ended up being something else. Every story is different with similarities and different outcomes. That is exactly what my comment was saying. So, we are on the same page!!

The same situation can turn out differently due to the variances in everyones story. That is the craziness of it all!!  That is why we share

[Evermore]

By no means am I perfect. I let my xh stay at my house for pete's sake! And although it was fine and everything worked out...it was a boundary I shouldn't have allowed to be crossed so early in this process. So I'm still learning to navigate all of this. And it's a crappy bumpy road with lots of twists and turns. Just when you think you get the hang of things, you hit a pothole. I didn't swerve on this one. I hit it dead on- and although it didn't cause any damage I know I need to keep a better eye on things. Because a couple more of these could total my car.

I agree absolutely with your post about each situation being different. So now I’m wondering why you say you made a mistake in allowing your XH to stay at your house? Genuine question. As you rightly point out, there aren’t any rules. Is there an OW involved, I can’t recall (which does change things)? Do you mean it was a mistake because it’s given you some expectations and/or made you feel… irky? afterwards? Because if you’re feeling fine about it, then it’s not a mistake. You did what worked. That’s all we can ever do.

[KellBell]

Ever- In the moment, it didn't feel wrong. But I think when seeing the whole picture, reflecting back this week and knowing he still has a long way to go...I don't want him having expectations. He has chosen this life. He has chosen to be separate from all of us. And don't want him thinking he can come to my home every few months and play happy family for a weekend and then leave. I chalked the weekend up to being a nice weekend free of his craziness. Nothing more. But I have no idea how I'll feel it becomes routine. And I'm not sure I'm ready to figure that out yet. Especially since we are only 5 months out from our divorce and less than a year from BD. He's just still so lost.

So that's why I'm not sure this should become routine. It has the potential to cause more harm than good at this point. Anyway- who knows. He only comes around every 3-4 months so we'll see. And on a side note- it was a bit weird coming home from a date and having your xh there. Granted it was with a friend and casual, but still. Kind of surreal.

[KellBell]

journaling and update-

MLC is a rollercoaster and my experience has been nothing but. Since the softball tournament over Father's Day weekend, xh has been in full on reconnection mode. Our D10 and I spent some time with him at his house- it was nice and comfortable. We easily fell into comfortable familiarities and there was intimacy. I'm super guarded, I was lonely and he was my husband for 24 years...it felt safe. The next day I flew out for a long holiday overseas. I wasn't in much contact, but he reached out everyday, emailed and texted.

I'm not sure where I'm at in all this. He wants to get remarried and wants us to be a family. He's telling people we are back together.

We've talked alot since I've been back. He's attended counseling with me. And has found one for himself. He's going to AA.

Some things of note-

He said it was like a switch flipped. He woke up from a dark tunnel and things were suddenly clear.
He thought he was unhappy in our marriage, but learned the hard way that things could get so much worse. He never realized what true unhappiness and loneliness was until he left.
He was distant over father's day weekend because he felt a connection to me but had thought I had moved on. He was trying to distance himself to curb the hurt he was feeling knowing he lost me.
He realizes he took me for granted.
Lots of self blame. None on me.
He has a plan of action and so far has been following through with all them.
It's hard for him to put into words what it was like. Just dark and fuzzy.
He said he thought about me all the time. Every date he went on- he compared them to me.


Something interesting- I told him this all going very fast. And that I'm going to need time and space. He was genuinely confused. He knew he wanted me back in March. I went back in our texts to see if I noticed any change around then or after. And there wasn't anything. He was still quick and short with replies. So weird. He also said my kindness and respect is something he couldn't live without. And eventhough I was kind and respectful during most of this...he knew he'd lost a big part of it. He hates himself everyday for risking that. And also having to see me move on. He could see reality and that I was moving on with my life. He didn't like it very much.

I don't know where this is going. what will happen or how we will end up. I DO know he has lot more self work to do. I DO know that I love him and want him to be well. And I DO know I will help him when I can. Other than that...time will tell.


*** I know about cycling, touch and goes and anchor checking. I'm very much aware and truthfully very happy with my life. There was a time I just desperately wanted him back. And now I'm the one slowing it down. Stepping back to be sure and not rushing. I know my life will be fine regardless of if we get back together or not. So I feel no pressure at all. I have zero expectations or hopes. I'm just riding this crazy coaster until I decide to get off or the ride ends.

[MomOfSteel]

Wow!  That’s quite the update.  It sounds like you are being cautious and who would blame you.  It seems like consistent actions over time will be really telling.  It’s interesting to hear how they describe what they are going through. 

[WHY]

Wow!  That’s quite the update.  It sounds like you are being cautious and who would blame you.  It seems like consistent actions over time will be really telling.  It’s interesting to hear how they describe what they are going through.

100% this.  Consistent action is what counts.  And over a long time period. Like a year. 

But a question for the vets here and please respond.  How do you push your MLCer back while asking them to work on themselves first and show you these consistent actions over a long period like a year (so you don’t get your heart broken again), WITHOUT alienating them or having them feel rejected and moving on. None of us take rejection for too Long.  We all have a breaking point.  what’s the best way to navigate this?

[MadLuv]

Interesting update…. And the story continues. You know the drill now and sounds like your eyes are wide open, so you will continue and see what unfolds!!

[titleholder]

Interesting to read your H perspective of the tunnel! I’m happy for you and hope that your H will continue forward.

You’re handeling everything so well so you’ll know you’ll be fine either way!