[MadLuv]

That is so sad. No wonder you were triggered. You go back to the beginning I am sure when you hoped she would come to her senses and 11 years later and nothing. It is a needless loss of a family unit and for what? A worse life for her and life time repercussions for the crisis that no one had control over except the one person that never did the work. It is sad and my biggest fear that my XH will never face his demons for his children either. I’m so sorry, I did have a little chuckle on the outfit description. 😅😂🤣

[in it]

Well sounds like she didn't take enough time for herself to reflect on her behavior in regards to being (or  feeling) controlled post divorce. Controlling someone isn't caring. Demanding  someone "check in" etc are a weak, insecure person's attempt at control.

So she's now with someone who is worse than what she had. And she shouldn't be apologizing to him for anything, and shouldn't be answering to anyone. And she shouldn't be putting up with someone who calls her names. Only she can stand-up for herself.

 So her behavior has not changed. She's repeating the same mistakes. Still some issues there.

But here's the news:.
We all have issues and WILL  as no one is perfect..

Well go ahead and vent, 11 years is quite a long time to still have this kind of pain. I'm not judging , your healing is on your own  time frame. Just an observation..

Hopefully there will be hardly any other occasions involving the kids you have to spend time with her so you don't hear about how happy she is.
And BD anniversary didn't help. I think it's much easier to get on with life and heal when there is no contact with them at all or very little.
How often have you had to be around her since the beginning of the year?.

You've grown if she doesn't interest you. Good for you. Maybe soon you will not have to have much to do with her at all.

[Thundarr]

Thanks Init and MadLuv.  Normally I'm completely ambivalent toward XW and she doesn't move the needle one way or another when we're around each other.  I could also be just fine going months without seeing her and wouldn't be excited to see her when I do.  I am completely detached.  I think it was just that it was BD anniversary, which I usually even forget until after it's passed, and the fact that everything fell on the same days they did back in 2011.  Facebook Memories popping up reminding me of my grad school graduation the weekend before the Monday of BD probably helped with that too.

Last night was our son's band banquet at his school and XW not only attended and sat with D21 and myself as usual but even brought a dessert.  She still has a very strained relationship with him at best where he just tolerates her without initiating hardly any contact or even asks about seeing her but last night she was there telling him how proud she was of him and hugging on him in front of his friends which was of course embarrassing for a 17 year-old.  It's sad to say that she just doesn't get it but I think sometimes she does try to.  She was very nice to me last night and we had a couple good civil conversations almost as if we were friends....almost...but at the end of the banquet I was happy that she went her way and we went ours.  It's probably the best things can be given the situation and all that's happened but I'm thankful that we can at least co-exist and that I've hopefully minimized the damage to the kids as much as I could have.  Time will tell.

[MadLuv]

Agreed Thundarr!!! I tried so hard for that, but wicked OW and crazed XH It didn’t work out. I dont think as long as this OW is in the picture my XH and I now will not be able to be in the same space if she is also. To many lies he is afraid will be exposed. So good for you !!! It is always best for the kids.

[FaithWalker]

Even our adult kids are still kids.  I have a S almost 22, D just turned 20 today and I also have an S17.  My plan after they are all moved out is to just keep inviting them to do things with me.  I know sometimes they are going to be busy and that's ok.  But I am still going to tell myself that I am the adult and not to get hurt if they can't visit with me or have me over sometimes.  Looking back at my own relationship with my mother, there were times between that I didn't see her.  But there are going to be ebbs and flows.  The trick is remembering that it doesn't have anything to do with a lack of love for you when they don't see you for a time.  Your children aren't abandoning you, they are doing what you have raised them to do.  To spread their wings, to grow, to flourish in the adult world, to leave the nest.  That was not what our spouses were supposed to do, but that IS what our children are supposed to do.  So if they feel comfortable to do that, then you've raised them right.  Keep telling yourself that.  And some of the tools we've picked up in our LBS toolbelt will help us when interacting with our adult kids too.  Unmet expectations are always going to feel disappointing, but if you can manage your expectations, you will find a lot of joy in the times that you do share together.

I don't want my kids to feel guilty when they don't always reach out to me.  The best thing I can do for them, even now, even as they spread their wings and fly, is to become healed and healthy, so that our interactions are not still tainted with the brokenness of our original family.  Our new family unit can be strong too.  But I believe we need to take our responsibility of being the glue very seriously.  When I interact this way, it brings me peace.  When I don't fall into victim mode with my kids, it brings me peace.  It has to be a change of thinking inside of us in order to have the outcome that we desire with our kids and their families and our grandkids moving forward.  I hope that makes sense.

[Returned]

 I guess my biggest concern is whether they will still want me in their lives at all after they no longer need me, and the train of thought of “no longer needed —-> no longer wanted —-> no longer welcome”  is heart-breaking to me.  It’s likely that comes from both XW’s abandonment and maybe to a lesser degree my failed engagement a couple years ago.  Toxic thinking, for sure, but having loved ones cut you out of their lives affects a person.

There is a period of time when young people launch that they may sometimes distance themselves. It is the enthusiasm for their new adventure which makes all that is old and familiar seem unexciting. You should not take this personally, they are trying to discover who they are without you.

In my case my kids distanced themselves about a decade ago after BD. I reconnected with one about 5 years later, and the other in fits and starts. They are now unexpectedly back home at the age of 36 and 28. I am thrilled with the company.

Remember you are the stable sane parent who didn't abandon them. They know that. They may distance themselves for a few years to find themselves, but if you continue to cheerlead them and support them in their independence within a decade your relationship will be better than ever. Just go the extra mile to make sure they know that you care about them no matter where they are.

[Thundarr]

Thanks MadLuv, FaithWalker and LJ.  I think one of the hardest things for me is knowing that I will be alone for the first real time in my life and have no idea what that's going to look like.  I have ideas of things I would like to do to take up all the free time I'll have but realize that many of those are just ways to postpone coming home to an empty house.  It will be nice to be able to invite someone over and actually have time to ourselves as having the kids living with me full-time has certainly made dating more difficult.  I understand how they will be busy and getting on with their own lives and am very happy about that but hope it's not years of limited contact like LJ and other friends have experienced. 

Sunday would have been my 29th wedding anniversary and it didn't even occur to me until late Saturday on the way home with D21.  Not sure why all these painful anniversaries are hitting me now after being pretty ambivalent toward them the past few years but they are and I have to deal with them.  XW was texting me about something involving the kids on Sunday and I failed to resist the urge to tell her Happy Anniversary.  She said she hadn't even realized what day it was and I didn't say anything more after that.  When she dropped the kids off that afternoon she seemed like she wanted to say something but I just focused on them and only waved at her as she left.  Funny thing was I was on my way out the door to a date and was thinking it might be bad karma to go on a date on my wedding anniversary.  More on that later.  Yesterday was also a bad memory as it was the anniversary of the first major fight my ex-fianceee and I had in 2019 that resulted in us breaking up for two weeks and her reaching out to her ex, which I didn't find out about until later.  Just a reminder that I should have paid attention to the red flags and cut my losses long before I actually did in that situation....

Speaking of the date, I had reached a point where I didn't have much energy or desire to keep dating as every one I had been on the past few months ended up not working out for one reason or another, mostly due to distance or just disinterest, but Sunday night's was a lady who I had a ton of things in common with both religiously and philosophically.  She was also very pretty and very intelligent with a great sense of humor, the latter two of which are my top 2 preferred qualities in a mate.  We ended up spending 4 hours talking and eating in the restaurant and it was like we had known each other for years.  We texted each other the next morning and for the first time in a long time I felt a glimmer of hope and excitement for the future......and then reality set in.  We ended up conversing a great deal during the afternoon and she filled me in on everything she thought I should know which included a history of brain surgery to cure epilepsy, a diagnosis of Bipolar 2 that went undiagnosed  until 3 years ago and several markers for Borderline/ Histrionic and Antisocial PD's.  To say it took the wind out of my sails is to put it lightly as it only served to reinforce my belief that the only single women out there who would be interested in me are ones who are desperate for any man or those who are so broken/ ill/ disordered that they gravitate to me because of my profession or just that I'm stable.  To say I'm not optimistic about the future at this point would be an understatement.  To say that the month of May is accursed for me would be an even more gross understatement. 

Sorry for the rant and/ or long post but just venting and putting into words what I'm feeling at the moment and hopefully someone who is also feeling down will see my post and realize they are not alone, whether they are a newbie or even a fellow member of the Class of 2011 like myself.  Even after we survive the rapids of BD and MLC there are still many challenges ahead of us and one of the greatest things about this community that RCR and others have built is that we are all in this together.

Peace to you all.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I think you are stressing too much on an empty home. In reality, I know a lot of people who are surrounded by tons of people and feel completely alone. All of this is from your point of view and mindset.

My kids are out of the house and before I know it, my new wife's kids will be out as well. However, out of the house is different than out of your life. From my perspective, my oldest and I grew closer when she moved out of the house. And you are right, it is nicer to have someone come over to an empty house than one with kids all over the place.

reinforce my belief that the only single women out there who would be interested in me are ones who are desperate for any man or those who are so broken/ ill/ disordered that they gravitate to me because of my profession or just that I'm stable.

Once again, mindset can trip you up every time. As a principal, if I go out on the playground with the belief system that all the kids are rotten. I will find them all over the place. If I go out that most of the kids follow are rules, I will have a pleasant recess.

My new wife was on her last days with the online dating service. In fact, just like you, she was losing interest in dating and the whole online meeting system. She only accepted a date with me because she thought, "I will have dinner with this guy and then I'm done.  I would rather be alone."

Well, she did give up on online dating, but not on me. LOL. We are going on eight years together and been married for over four.

Don't give up hope, Just let expectations go. Focus on living your best life with what you have. Don't do things just to fill time, do things that make a difference in the lives of others. This year, I served on the library board and I will be the Treasurer next year. I helped organize two Saturday football camps for our scholars and I am now active in our managers group to raise money for senior scholarships. I am also responsible for organizing fun activities for all of our managers during our summer conference.

The point is to focus on making the world a little bit better and in return, you will find your own world a little bit better.

You kept your family together and now they are moving as independent thinkers capable of living their own lives. This is a time to celebrate and feel good about your accomplishments. Then move on to the next chapter of your wonderful life.

You are doing great and think great things,

((((Ready))))

[Evermore]

... To say it took the wind out of my sails is to put it lightly as it only served to reinforce my belief that the only single women out there who would be interested in me are ones who are desperate for any man or those who are so broken/ ill/ disordered that they gravitate to me because of my profession or just that I'm stable.  To say I'm not optimistic about the future at this point would be an understatement. 

Ahhh Thundarr, I also think this about men! So that's proof that it's not actually true (seeing as I'm pretty sure you're fabulous and a great catch, and I know I am  ).

Sorry you're feeling a bit down and dejected right now. Remember these things come in cycles and if you do the work you'll be feeling OK again at some point soon.

I only have my youngest at home still (D21). The other two (D23 and 'extra kid' D21) no longer live with me. We still have great relationships even though I don't see them as much as I used to. In fact D23 called me just a few days ago (she calls often) to get some 'motherly advice' (she actually used those words) about something. Made my heart happy.

D21, that is still at home, would love to buy her own home and move out at some stage (she needs to save up quite a bit of money for a deposit before this can happen). Like you I am a bit worried about 'being on my own' for the first time ever when she does eventually move out, so I can empathise. As Ready says I think the key is to focus on the positives that will bring rather than the negatives.


 

[Thundarr]

Thanks Evermore and Ready.  I've tried to not think about when they leave but rather focus on the here and now and enjoy being with them.  D21 has recently started dating and isn't spending as much time at home so that's been an adjustment already.  He seems like a great guy and they're taking a very old-fashioned approach as he comes from a religious family as well so it's been fun to watch.

On that note, things have also changed a great deal for me lately. Out of the blue one of my cousins messaged me and said they had someone they wanted me to meet who had just relocated to my town and didn't know hardly anybody.  I took a few days to initiate contact and things went well from the start.  The more we talked the more we found out we had in common, way more than I would have ever expected, and when we went out for the first time I have to admit I was expecting the worst but was pleasantly surprised to find she is a very lovely woman with a great personality.  One thing has led to another and after several dates we decided we were both equally into each other so I've closed the dating apps and giving relationships another chance.  She comes from a very fundamentalist religious background and hasn't dated much at all since her divorce several years ago so it's exciting for both of us.  So far she doesn't tick any of the red flag boxes and is a very positive person who has worked with special needs adults and children for years and has a passion for it.  I find myself both cautiously optimistic while at the same time bewildered as I had pretty much given up hope for meeting someone who matched well with me and the message from my cousin came completely out of left field but has far exceeded any expectations I had.  What is ironic is that in some ways she makes me uneasy in that this all feels so natural and right and very old-fashioned which I like.  It's sad that life events have made it so that when something potentially good happens we can't help but question it and tell ourselves it can't be.  Pushing through this slowly......

Peace to you all.