[xyzcf]

I was responding to ready's comment:

Go completely NC with that wreck of an ex and enjoy your time with someone who cares about you.

[Thundarr]

Greetings all. I hope everyone who celebrates it had a good Thanksgiving and that all is going well for everyone.  At least as well as can be expected in our cases.  I can tell anyone who is in the early stages that it definitely DOES get better and that you WILL survive it but it's not something I would wish on anyone.  I'm over 11 years since BD and it seems like those days were someone else's life now.  My kids and I have made it through and are thriving.  My then-S6 will be turning 18 next week and I will officially have raised all 3 of my kiddos to adulthood.  Strange to think of, and even stranger to think how the house will be silent when he leaves for college next year.  These are times of change and I'm not sure whether to be happy, sad or both at once.  I'm going with both.

Thanksgiving went great except that we had to postpone until Friday due to multiple illnesses in the family.  My gf of 6 months and her daughter went to my family's Thanksgiving at my D30's as we have been doing every year since my grandson was born.  This was the first time that I've taken anyone to either of the big holidays there but she made it a point to make it not awkward and ensure everyone had a good time.  The thing is that D30 always has XW attend also and the two of us do a very good job of being civil and almost friendly at these gatherings.  They used to cause me to be stressed or have mood swings afterward but I've been oblivious the past few years to the point of indifference.  Gf broke the ice with XW right out of the gate and double-teamed prepping the meal.  The two ended up sitting on each side of me with me at the head of the table, which was a bit strange for sure, but talked and laughed as if they had been friends for years after XW finally loosened up.  XW even connected with GF's daughter through shared acquaintances.  My kids really like GF and her daughter who is right between my kids in age and has a lot in common with each of them.  Everyone interacted around the table for hours and laughed, joked and told stories just like a.........family.  GF even noted afterward how pleasant it was and said there was no reason for things to be tense between her and XW as she will always be in my life through the kids and GF trusts me.  It was a major departure from my days with my ex-fiancee who seemed threatened by XW and never spoke a word to her anytime they were in the same room.  I noticed the kids were much more relaxed and made GF and her daughter feel welcome.  D30 had invited them, which was great with me as I had debated on whether or not to and how to go about it if I did or didn't.  If this is my new normal then I say okay.  Lord knows it's a far cry from the gloom and doom my depression told me my future would be all those years ago....

Peace to you all.

[MadLuv]

What a great update. I love that you were all Able to get together and just shows that if you do things right and pick the right person and take everyone into consideration that it can work out. Your ex fiancée was not the right one and your current gf seems to be a better fit. I know I could never be with someone my kids did not accept or not be accepted by my significant others kids as well. Sounds like you had a great holiday. Thank you for updating us all!

[Thundarr]

Just a quick note that may or may not turn out to be anything.  Our youngest child, S18, had a birthday yesterday and XW called me the night before to tell me that she had tested positive for the flu and may not be able to see him on his birthday.  She was crying uncontrollably and I've only seen her this way once or twice since we met over 30 years ago.  She was talking about him turning 18 and couldn't believe that he was.  I promised her I would take him by to see her on his birthday and she was very grateful for that.  Last night I stopped by her house on the way to celebrate his birthday at D30's and she came out to the car and I could tell was holding back from completely breaking down.  The kids noticed and D21 commented that she wondered if it was finally hitting her that she had basically missed out on their childhoods.  S18 was only 6 when she left and has spent less than 10 nights with her since July 2011 when she moved out.  Possible breakthrough or just moment of clarity?  Time will tell......

[Returned]

Hey Thundarr, time for an update 

[Thundarr]

Greetings all,

First off, I hope all of the other veterans are doing well and to offer my support and empathy to those who are newer on the site. These past few days marked the 12-year anniversary of BD, which for me was my W of almost 20 years suddenly telling me she wanted a divorce ("I'm divorcing your ass") and was moving 40 miles away to another town to live alone in her grand-parents' old house and leaving me with our 3 kids who were 18, 10 and 6 at the time. Fast forward to this past weekend and we were all together to celebrate our grandson graduating from preschool. XW is still completely crazy and lives like a 52 year-old teenager who cannot control spending and routinely borrows money from D30, along with keeping her purchases from her boyfriend. I look at her now and am thankful that I got off the train with as little financial damage as possible, even though the psychological and emotional damage was devastating.

Next week S18 graduates from high school and this has triggered a lot of emotions with me as both he and D22 will be moving out and attending a nice private university about 45 minutes away. Both earned full scholarships for the music program and I could not be more proud of them!. D22 told me the other day that she did not think they would be where they're at if XW had stayed with me as they now see her as an annoying aunt who is prone to breaking her promises to them. She is planning on taking them on a 4-day trip at the end of June for her mother's family reunion 3 states away but I see very little to no chance of her saving enough money or planning such a trip. She has only taken them out of state ONCE in the past 12 years, and that was only to the neighboring state for 2 days or so and D30 and her fiance apparently helped fund most of that. Needless to say, the kids are not getting their hopes up. This past weekend when we were all together at D30's, XW started acting very teenagery when I disagreed with her on something political and when I told the kids we needed to get home both of them jumped up ready to go. They both thanked me for bailing them out of that situation as XW annoys them about as much as she does me now apparently.

As for me, I'm still with GF and this week will be our 11-month anniversary. To say this is the best relationship I've ever had would be an understatement as she is mature, supportive, intelligent and not at all childish or annoying as XW and XF were. To this date we have not had a single fight or even a cross word, and when either of us has had something come up where we had to change or cancel plans the other has taken it in stride. GF is very friendly toward XW and said she thinks it's great that the two of us can share special occasions with the kids and not want to kill each other. GF makes it a point to not make things awkward when we are at events or family gatherings with XW, and even GF's daughter treats XW as if she was an extended relative. All in all, things are pretty surreal right now as it seems my past and present lives are merging somehow the way they were meant to. GF and I have long-term plans to eventually move in together and get married, but both agree neither of those will happen this year and maybe not even next. She has been working through the process of becoming Catholic and we have both started the annulment process to resolve our former marriages so that when we do get married it will be a Covenant marriage in the Church. We've both agreed that it would be best to not get engaged until after our former marriages have been resolved, plus I have so many things going on this year with my kiddos either graduating or transitioning to college or both. I'm not looking forward to empty nesting and living alone for the first real time in my life but we both feel it's a necessary step before entering into a lifelong commitment again. GF is very religious and truly lives her faith and this has brought me back closer to mine. Attending the RCIA classes with her has been very interesting as I'm learning how much I didn't know about my Church and both of us are hoping that this time we will be getting it right as we make our commitments as adults and integrating our families. Only time will tell.

Peace to you all.

[MadLuv]

Wow, great update and a little sad in other ways. It is wonderful that you and your kids are thriving in life, but it always sad to hear the MLCer that never wakes up fully to what is most important in life. I just can’t imagine. Your kids doing so well and to be so successful in life is not only a testament to them, but to you. And….how wonderful you found your person. Keeps us updated as life progresses

[Dragonfly33]

Great update Thundarr. I cannot imagine what you went through having to take care of your three kids alone. I’m always inspired by the stories of others who are actually happier now without the MLCers constant need for drama. Nice to hear you have found a great partner. I hope one day, I will too. But now, the whole traumatic experience from MLC makes me even more skeptical to be in a new relationship. Hopefully, I will be able to overcome this.

[xyzcf]

Sounds like you have found peace Thundaar. That sure feels good when we can accept the past and not allow it to define us anymore.

 

I look at her now and am thankful that I got off the train with as little financial damage as possible, even though the psychological and emotional damage was devastating.

Another thread spoke about a a tv personality whose marriage ended 20 years ago:

"There’s a tv reporter here called Vanessa Feltz who I heard talking on a podcast about her marriage ending 20 years ago....17 years married, two teenage kids, she knew nothing about it, typical BD and her then h was having multiple affairs it turned out. She said he dropped the first bomb saying he was thinking about divorce, refused to say anything more but say he’d give her 12 weeks ‘on trial’....can you imagine??....and then left 7 weeks later still refusing to say anything truthful about what was really going on. Even all these years later, you could hear the old echo of her shock and complete bewilderment. Bc tbh it’s a deeply abusive way to behave, isn’t it? To betray a spouse, unilaterally blow up a family’s life and yet feel entitled enough to put the spouse on some non-specific trial or demand that they ‘prove’ their value to you. "

Still traumatic no matter how many years or how much we have healed.

Your ex is still acting irresponsibly and like a teenager..it's so bizarre isn't it? In my mind, I think of my husband now with the term "playboy"...at 68 years old, that isn't a great "label".

GF is very friendly toward XW and said she thinks it's great that the two of us can share special occasions with the kids and not want to kill each other.

I think this is important....because the kids are really in an awkward position and anything that we can do (without causing harm to ourselves in the process) is beneficial to their relationship with their MLC parent...which, because I so firmly believe that MLC is real,  not something anyone would choose, I think their children do need to have some connection, without any expectations that they will be a parent to them. For some MLCers, the changes seem permanent. (We didn't understand that 12 years ago, or perhaps we just could not face that possibility).

I thought about your post as I was out golfing this am. It was a tough go for you and some heartbreaking relationships..yet you persevered.

I think, that the part of me that would allow any kind of intimacy or trust in another partner is totally shattered.....so good for you that you are willing to risk your love and your heart again.

She sounds lovely! Enjoy each moment.

[beyondblessed]

Great update, Thundarr!  Nice to hear of another fellow LBS moving forward and finding love again.  My new husband and I just celebrated a 2nd honeymoon in Charleston for our 1st anniversary. And, I too, am beyond grateful to be off the crazy train of lies, and drama.  Best of luck to you and your GF.  She sounds lovely.