[Dragonfly33]

Thundarr thank you for sharing this very personal experience of yours. It takes a lot of courage to share such story. I, too, had attempted to take my life on the day of BD. I decided last minute to call my mom and inform them of what I did. I ended up in the hospital that day. It's something I am not proud of and I promised not to do again to myself. BD is the most painful day of my life and for all newbies here, there is life after this. I struggled a lot but it becomes less and less in time. When I distanced myself from my exh, only then I saw the whole picture. I realized that it was toxic for me, that if continued to be in constant contact with him, I would never be able to heal. Only then I saw, that the dynamic between him and me wasn't healthy at all. I can say I am now in a better place. The pain is still there, but it becomes less and less. I don't hate my ex h anymore. It doesn't mean I am not angry with him anymore though. There are times, very rarely, when I feel angry about what he did  but it doesn't stay that long anymore.

[Treasur]

Another one here who got very close to that edge too. Understand why I did. Very glad now that I didn’t. And like you, more grateful than I have words for the folks who kept me connected to life.

[limitless]

Wow!

I’m so sorry that you got to that place.  I can say that I would wish, at times, I could die and the pain would all go away.  I never got as close as you.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  I’m glad that there were others there for you during that time.  I’m glad for your children too.

Just keep moving forward. 

L

[Thundarr]

Thanks Limitless, Treasur and Dragonfly. Yesterday was moving out day so extremely bittersweet for me. Ironically, just as we were saying our goodbyes to D22 and S18 my grandson noticed that D22 had a flat tire. I didn't want them to leave out on the spare so I accompanied them to a local tire store to have two replaced as the tire was unfixable. XW happened to call and after hearing what happened agreed to help me pay for the tires for D22 and met us at the tire store. The four of us grabbed a quick bite to eat and it suddenly occurred to me that everything seemed to have happened the way it was meant to as the kids got to have one last meal with both parents before beginning their journeys to adulthood. Afterward, I took my sweet time going home as I wasn't at all excited about coming home to an empty house with much of their stuff now missing. The night was very hard as I kept waking up worrying about them, and not being able to check on them during the night as I have since they were born was extremely hard. I kept it together and made it to work though, so at least there's that.

Reading up on Empty Nest Syndrome I found that there are 3 distinct stages - Grief, Relief and Joy. I can see eventually reaching the other two, but my life experiences thus far have taught me that these feelings can't be rushed and that one has to be patient and trust the process. Trying to speed things up will only slow them down and I definitely don't need that. Thankfully they will be home this weekend to finish packing so I won't be having to go TOO long without seeing them, but it's still not the same.

Peace to you all.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

[xyzcf]

Over time, the thing that helped me was always planning the next time I would see her. I also increased the number of times I saw her from 3 times a year to 5. She lives 1,500 miles so we have to fly to see one another. I try to always see her for Mother's Day, her birthday and Christmas.

We left her when she was 17 to move to a different country for his career.

During COVID, I was not allowed into Canada so I did not see her for 19 months.

It is difficult. Face time helps a lot. Planning when I'll see her again is essential.

[sachertorte]

My heart goes out to you Thundarr. I am so glad you are in a far better place now. Reading what you wrote soothes me like few other things can, and I am most grateful to you for your courage and generosity.

Ironically, I felt desperate right before the BD, due to the dosage effect of a drug I was taking for my thyroid that my doctor was weaning me of. Looking back, I think my subconscious mind knew he was cheating on me and the love of my life was going to perish. There were times after BD that I do not care to recall.

All I can say is that we all have been immensely brave and beautiful throughout this ordeal.

My daughter lives on another continent. I only get to see her once a year, due to financial reasons. I also want to send her as much money as possible for college; she will soon be a sophomore. Ex makes much more money than I do -- and I suspect he kept some funds during our divorce, which I am totally okay with, because he has been generous with her and that is all I care about -- so she can take trips to the UK, Switzerland and Denmark as she pleases. So long as she can do that I feel as happy and serene as I can conceivably be.

What made the empty nest easier for me personally is to indulge in all my passions. I binged shows, did all kinds of Youtube dance workouts I always thought I was too clumsy to do, threw myself into my work and performed with distinction and elan, bought myself treats to eat, gawked at images of beautiful people and objects, saved up to buy a couple tubes of Shiseido lipstick, read to my heart's content, and took the love I feel for my child to share out to those I meet. Love grows rather than diminishes through sharing.

I also feel triggers now when I attempt to date. For example, the guy I've been chatting with changed his profile I believe partly for my benefit today. He seems to be an exemplary father who wants any and all prospective dates to know that his teen and tween will be his top priority, whether in terms of time or funds. It does my heart a world of good just to see a man who lives by that tenet. (Like you, Thundaar, I rue the day I lived to see otherwise. XH told our child to tell me in March 2020 that he would not be able to honor our custody agreement, since he decided to spend the bulk of his time in another city with his new girlfriend and her two children.)

And yet I am triggered even by that. All of a sudden I feel tired and even bored. This is not my reality, I think. What do I have to do with some stranger's priorities? I have my own life and my own family. I am meant to be with them. I think it's great this guy is a best dad, but what does that have to do with me and where the hell is his wife, why is she leaving him to foot the bill for their kids, and why should I have to hear about it? It all seems so irrational, sordid and alien.

I embrace this feeling. I think as someone who has never hurt anyone consciously, who gave her XH the most amicable divorce she can, this is my just deserts. I can honestly say I do not deal in lies, irresponsibility, or abandonment.

And it's such a great pleasure and honor to have known all of you, of like hearts and minds.

[Thundarr]

Well, the nest emptying isn't going as quickly as planned but that's fine with me. The kiddos came home Friday night with the plan to stay until Sunday night, but decided to stay until Monday and then came back last night due to not having taken everything they needed that morning. Last night I overheard them discussing the merits of commuting to college vs. paying for rooms near the campus and S18 is correct that it would be cheaper but would also be more mentally taxing IMO. It seems that Dad's Land of Free Food and No Bills is harder for them to leave behind than what they had thought. Their college is just under an hour away, but due to their scholarships they are required to be there 5 days a week and sometimes 6 if there's a game. I have to say it was great having them there this weekend but I was also warming up to having the house to myself more and it actually staying clean after I clean it. Looks like this might be progressing slowly for the foreseeable future, lol.

Peace to you all.

[Thundarr]

Greetings and salutations all,

Just had a bit of free time at work and was thinking about how I haven't posted an update in a while. Things haven't really changed a great deal as the kids are splitting time between college and home as they are working in our town (many more opportunities) while going to college full-time in another that's an hour away. I'm in the process of getting my marriage annulled through the Church, but whether or not GF and I end up getting married is separate from that. Truthfully, I love her but would be just as happy alone and really enjoy the nights I have to myself at the house. We spend the night at each other's places once a week or so, but will be well into next year before discussing living together and I'm really cool with that.

Yesterday was D31's birthday and GF joined the kids, XW and myself as we took my grandson trick-or-treating and then went out to eat for D31's birthday. Everyone got along great and GF's daughter joined us for the meal. Thankfully, her daughter and my kids all get along great and have similar interests and things just felt like a regular family get-together. GF and XW are very friendly with each other, as is her daughter and XW, and GF has stated multiple times that she considers XW part of my family and just that our relationship evolved into co-parents rather than lovers. Honestly, I couldn't imagine being in a romantic relationship with XW right now but accepting her as part of my family and getting along well with her seems like things have come full circle. I know many on here wouldn't dream of such a perspective, but in my case XW never took from me what mattered most and we do get along well. The funny thing is I sat across from XW and beside GF and realized that every time the three of us are together I usually end up between or next to both of them. Maybe this is how things were always meant to be......

Peace to you all.

[Curiosity]

Thanks for this update. It really sounds like you have reached a place of peace and healing. It’s really lovely to read of how your family has grown and evolved in the best possible way.

[Thundarr]

Thanks Curiosity. I'm living in strange times indeed. Good, but strange in my humble opinion.

This past week was Thanksgiving here in the states and we didn't get to celebrate in our family until Saturday night due to schedules and so many of us having to go to other dinners with our significant others. As usual, XW also attended along with our kids and my girlfriend and her daughter who also brought a friend.  We had a great time and XW ended up sitting across from my girlfriend and me in a different room than the kids due to room and space limitations. The two worked together to help prepare the dinner and talked and laughed like two friends, as did XW and myself. At one point I left them to go to the living room to spend time with the kids and they continued their conversation just as when I was in the room. I had to stop and take note of just how surreal it was. Maybe it's just me, though.

One very ironic part was that XW was telling GF about how her mother was very overbearing and did not prepare her for adulthood at all. She admitted that her mother did everything for her, even cleaning her room, up until she finally moved out at age 21. She didn't learn to cook, clean or even do her own laundry so when she and I got together she was mostly dependent on me to take care of those things or teach her how to. I always felt like I was doing the lion's share of the house chores when we were married and she confirmed it, and to my girlfriend and me no less. It was strangely very validating to hear her admit it and basically give me props for having been a good husband. I didn't want to look a gift horse in the mouth by pushing it further but it was nice to hear.  XW has been.....different....in several ways over the past few months but I can't put my finger on just how. Maybe I seem safer to her now that I'm in a stable relationship, or maybe she's waking up and realizing that I wasn't so bad after all. What makes this all important is the realization that I still love XW even though I'm working through an annulment and in a LTR that is planned to eventually result in marriage. I'll have to continue to explore this further as to whether it is just loving her as the mother of my children, or if that love never goes away even when the relationship ends (or evolves in this case). It would actually be easier in some ways if she was still Monstering. Who knew I'd ever say that!

Peace to you all.