[xyzcf]

Interesting article.

The positive side of having hope is also of benefit. One of the most impactful books I have ever read is Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.

Here is an article of how hope helped people to survive the worst .

https://muldoont.medium.com/facing-our-hardships-with-hope-lessons-from-viktor-frankl-7a44b7bb4990#:~:text=Those%20who%20lost%20hope%2C%20he,nothing%20really%20mattered%20any%20more.

[Nas]

Another one well worth a perusal. This one was a different read than what I expected going into it, but it spoke to me, pun intended, and some of you might find it interesting.

I’m often hyper aware of my voice, both how it sounds and what it’s saying, and how it’s received. As a child, I was often punished by not being allowed to speak or make any sound for a specified lengthy period of time. And for years, my husband made “jokes” about my voice. After everything I said, he would mimic mumbling as if he couldn’t hear me, even though he heard every word. I experienced many other subtle abusive tactics meant to minimize and silence me, but the idea that they had made me feel minimized and silenced has only started to become clear more recently through therapy and a lot of dismantling and reassembling of myself.

Most of us experience at least one time or another where we feel like we can’t speak or we’re not heard. Or what someone else hears is different than what we intended. Part of having a voice in relationship to others does depend on their willingness to communicate *with* us, not just *to* us, which MLCers (for example) are very often not willing to do, which adds another layer. We can feel “silenced” in a lot of situations, and growth comes from overcoming that fear. Our voice matters.

https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-find-your-natural-voice-and-learn-to-speak-up


🎼 https://youtu.be/3Bc-5ozQzHw

[KayDee]

With a dearth of information about MLC that comes from the person in crisis, I found this really instructive and thought provoking - https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/the-wife-expert/episodes/I-Had-An-Affair-and-Left-My-Wife--Midlife-Crisis-Man-Shares-Real-Heartfelt-Story-e26fcr1

[Nas]

https://www.healthygamer.gg/blog/feel-lonely-even-when-surrounded-by-people

Was just talking to my old “friend” who left her husband and may or may not be having an MLC. She sent me a stupid meme that said “psychology says if a person laughs too much, even at stupid things, he is deeply lonely inside.” She followed that up quickly with another text that simply said “I’m lonely.”

She is currently holed up in a Caribbean hideaway and has not seen or spoken to her husband in many many months. (I documented some of this on the vanishers thread.) Usually when I hear from her, it involves her crossing a boundary or doing something selfish. This time felt different. So I called her to see if she was OK, thinking she might want to open up and have an authentic conversation.

We had an interesting talk about loneliness. She appears to be living completely in the past, romanticizing it as a time when she was always happy and never lonely. She reminded me that there were 200 at one of my birthday parties and I knew them all. And I told her that none of them *knew* me because I wore a mask and never, ever let my guard down for anyone. All I ever wanted in my life was to be known and understood, but I self-sabotaged constantly, making it so that no one could actually know me. Everything was superficial and shallow. I was desperate to open up to someone, but instead I just pretended to be what everyone wanted me to be. And as a result, I was always surrounded by people. And I was always lonely.

I wore that mask until I met my former husband and he felt so familiar (though I didn’t realize then that that familiarity was not a good thing). Early on I felt this false safety that I now know was him prepping me for his narcissistic abuse. But then, he felt like the home I’d been craving, it felt like safety. Early on he let me open up in a way I never had and it was a feeling I can’t even describe. I didn’t know then he was just information gathering, storing away all of my greatest fears and biggest wishes and deepest traumas to later use against me.

I was my real self throughout my marriage and then he “threw me away” - but not before he told me that it had all always been a lie, my true self was not good enough, was “less than.” It would’ve been so easy to go back to wearing a mask and being completely self protecting after that but I instead went straight back to therapy. She appears to have opted for a different path, one where she wallows in old memories and tries to re-create them in the present, even though those old memories aren’t even real because we weren’t our real selves back then.

I think the difference is I was discarded and she was the discarder. The experience of being discarded forced me to re-examine, forced me to face the truth about the masks I used to wear and why (a lengthy ongoing process). She didn’t have to dig deep inside because she is the one who left, so she’s simply trying to go back to a time she has not been forced to really look at and dissect. I wonder if hearing my experience will have any impact on her. Probably not right now, she doesn’t really seem in a place to really take in what I said. But she heard it and she may think about it. Someday.

🎼 https://youtu.be/L2arpoFvUkI

[WHY]

Show this to our MLCers ha

https://youtu.be/aC2AY0LjSnI

[Nas]

So many good articles showing up in my inbox lately that pertain to things I've been talking about or grappling with (almost like someone is "hearing" me  , not a coincidence but that's another topic altogether...)

"While thinking the worst is unhelpful in the long run, at some point, this tendency likely took hold in your mind because it seemed to be of use and perhaps even helped you in some way. Before it became a chronic style of thinking – leading to avoidance and even greater anxiety – it might have given you a sense of power and control over uncontrollable events."

I like the word "awfulizing" that's used in this article. Catastrophizing is a common LBS pitfall. My "what if" scenarios have come true in a "actually, it is and, not only that, it's so much worse than you imagined..." so many times, it's exceedingly hard for me to redirect my thinking, sometimes it feels impossible and it's a daunting, lonely, exhausting task. And it's circumstantial. When things are bad, we catastrophize more, and certain things seem bigger. Uncertainty existed in my life before BD, it existed before cancer. Uncertainty and complete instability existed ALL my life, in various ways, to varying degrees, but I didn't catastrophize until the confluence of real catastrophes that occurred all at once.

A bit of my own musing after reading this: It's not very productive but is natural to think in terms of if only as a result of thinking in terms of what if. The what if arises and then the if only seeks a solution: If only I had someone emotionally safe to bounce my deepest concerns, fears and dark thoughts off of, 99% of them would not grow into catastrophized what ifs. (I'm not talking about a therapist who is paid to let you bounce things off of them; I'm talking about someone who is there by choice, because knowing we're not in it alone makes a massive difference to how we heal and how we confront our problems.) If I woke up tomorrow with less or no pain or discomfort in my body, no debt, some retirement savings, 95% of my fears would be cleared from my brain.  But "if only" is just another (imo more damaging) form of "what if." It's simply focusing on something that I wish to be but that absolutely isn't, while "what if" is focusing on something that isn't yet and hopefully won't be.  "What if" gives me the illusion of control, the ability to prepare; "if only" does nothing but shine a light on loneliest, most painful fears while offering no solution.

Anyway, this is a good article with some helpful tips when catastrophizing or awfulizing are causing you distress:

https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-stop-thinking-the-worst-and-learn-not-to-catastrophise?utm_source=Aeon+Newsletter&utm_campaign=cb43c33a93-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_2023_08_23&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_-38dd9ec67a-%5BLIST_EMAIL_ID%5D

And of course a song:
https://youtu.be/S698DWXhu5I

[Treasur]

A coach of my acquaintance recently posted a question asking people what they are currently using their imagination more for…..the ‘what if’ fears or the ‘what if’ possibilities?

Bc the creative process, the energy of imagination, is involved in both. But they take you to different places and give you different things.

Simple question but one I found quite thought provoking. I can absolutely recall a time of hypervigiliance when all I could do was the first. I had no imagination or energy left for the second.  But it made me start musing on times when I might have more choice about how I use my imagination than I did then.

[Songanddance]

This is probably one of the best books I have ever read.....

"Why has no-one told me this before"  by Dr Julie Smith.   It's available on Amazon and Audible.  She also has you tube clips on specific things. 

I cannot recommend this highly enough ; it's not about marriage; it's about self.

For me even 11 yrs on with lots of therapy and reading and training to be a life coach; it's like a breath of fresh air!

[Nas]

While researching something else that required me to search through some of the writings of David Foster Wallace, I stumbled across this quote that I remember reading many years ago in This Is Water (a great read btw)– reading it again just now, it takes on deeper meaning, MUCH deeper meaning for me, reminds me a little bit of MLCers, and particularly my former H, so I thought I’d share it:

“Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. If you worship money and things—if they are where you tap real meaning in life—then you will never have enough. Never feel you have enough. It’s the truth. Worship your own body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly, and when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally plant you.”

[WHY]

If a MLCer does not finish their MLC and gets yanked out the first time.  And 10 years later they go in for round 2.  Does anyone know how long round 2 lasts. 

Is it still the same 7-10 years for men.  Or is it less?   

Thanks.