[Curiosity]

New thread time… borrowing the title from my next-to-last post in my previous thread.

I just want to say thank you to all in this community. Whether you have provided advice or support, whether you have shared your own story, or whether you have just read along and been a party to my processing, I am so grateful to you all.

This is an ongoing journey… just because W is home, just because we are committed to our marriage, that doesn’t mean the learning and growing and attention to my own individual self stops. If anything, this is the time to prioritize it even more. I have learned a lot in the two years I’ve been on this forum, and I’m a better person because of it; but there’s always room to evolve and grow and be better, as a person and in my relationships.

The path from pink to purple is probably less clear to me than the path from white to pink - maybe we’re already at purple and it’s all about perspective, maybe we still have a long way to go. But I’ll be here, updating (and often, keeping up with your stories).

Previous thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11738.0;all

[MadLuv]

Curiosity- thank you for sharing your journey

The problem comes when you stop seeing yourselves as two individuals and start seeing yourselves as extensions of each other, two incomplete people

I think this is so right. Unintentionally you can lose yourself in the other. Also, as good as it is to love others there is a danger in putting anyone above yourself as that can be the beginning of  losing yourself. We only have control of our life and feelings and anyone can exit left at anytime. Which goes back to if you can’t love yourself you can’t love anyone else. We have to love ourselves first and foremost. That is what I have learned. If we do that anyone that chooses a different path will still hurt, but we have our self love to guide us through.

I look forward to following your jounrey to purple. I have thought ( as stated on one  of your journals earlier) that you should have already been pink, so I am glad to see. Wishing you love and happiness

[Curiosity]

MadLuv, thank you as always for sharing your perspective and your wisdom. I think that on some level, I was looking for a milestone or something to tell me when to switch to pink. A year from when she moved back home? Then that came and went, and I was content to just let things remain as they were. Your post in the prior thread got me thinking about it again. While I do think that the upcoming anniversary of her being recommitted to the marriage is probably more significant than the anniversary of her moving back in, the change wasn’t only about that milestone.

I wish you love and happiness and continued strength. Your journey is inspiring and your words always resonate with me.

[UrsaMajor]

Hi Curiosity,

"Normally," the Mod Team, in consultation with RCR, make recommendations about icon changes to avoid flipping back and forth if it is just a touch & go but I think in your case we already agreed pink was valid for you in your case.

UM

[Curiosity]

Sorry, UM… I misunderstood and thought it had already been approved because it had been discussed near the end of my previous thread.

[sachat3]

Just popping by to say hi and I’m following along

[Curiosity]

Bit of an update and, of course, more processing…

A cousin of W’s is getting married this weekend on the other side of the country. This cousin is someone a fair bit younger than W, but W’s immediate family and his immediate family spent a lot of time together during their childhoods and the families were very close. They drifted for several years later in W’s young adulthood and we have seen them a few times. I don’t know them well, but they are not strangers to me by any means.

So, the wedding was planned but it coincided with some work obligations for W that were going to be difficult to get covered, and initially we weren’t going to go. Then the cousin’s father was diagnosed with advanced cancer - we had known about the cancer when making our initial decision but we didn’t know how aggressive it was. We planned to go visit a month or so after the wedding, when we could spend some time with them. So… when they found out how bad things were, W decided to attend the wedding after all. She decided to go on her own, because she could stay with family (it would be close quarters if we both were visiting) and she found more flight options for a single ticket. I offered to go, but she declined and said it would just be simpler if she went alone. Then, yesterday she was getting ready to go to the airport and got a call that the cousin’s father had taken a turn for the worse and had passed away. We got the news an hour before leaving for the airport.

I of course offered to go, to find a way to get there even if not on the same flight. She was grateful and she said she knew I wanted to be there for her and the family, but that it was unnecessary and would be a huge task to arrange on zero notice. So she’s there, and we are in frequent contact and she seems to be holding up fine under the circumstances. But it’s an awful situation for everyone involved.

As for me… I’m grieving because even though I didn’t know him well, he was a wonderful and well-loved person whose family is devastated. And I also feel like I don’t know where I fit in… is my W saying I don’t need to be there because she truly needs to grieve among people who knew him well, or does she wish I were there and she just didn’t admit that to me? Should I have assumed that I needed to be there for her, or should I have done what I did; which was to sincerely offer to be there but respect her choice on the matter? I don’t want to be a fixer or overstep if there are things she needs to do on her own, but I want to be here and offer my love and support.

This is the kind of thing that before BD I wouldn’t have questioned. Even when she decided to go to the wedding, I doubt she would have made the decision to go on her own. She probably would have told me that we needed to be there and we would have made it work. But it feels like we are both still feeling out the level of independence versus interdependence that makes sense for us… and I guess this is a bit part of the work of reconnecting. I want to trust her and be able to lean on her if I need to, and I am starting to do that in small ways - but always with a bit of awareness that you can never really lean on anyone completely.

So… sorry that this post is a bit of a downer. I am processing the relationship stuff, but really what’s at the forefront of my thoughts and emotions is just the sense of grief and sadness for what my family (my W’s family, that is) has lost.

[MadLuv]

Curiosity- I m so sorry for the families loss. I think W sincerely appreciated your offer and is genuine that she is ok with you not being there, not because she doesn’t want your support, but because this was the arrangement and sometimes it is just  easier to be around the ones most closely  affected without worrying about anyone else's feelings  but your own.

[Standing Strong]

You did the right thing C 

The most important thing you could do is be willing to be there for her, and for her to know that's the case.
What she does after that is her decision, for whatever reason she has. Don't matter what that is. You did your part and were genuine.
I also wouldn't ready into anything about what it means or whatever..... she's recovering and healing.... super overloaded.
It sounds like she understood and appreciated. You did it, you won. 

-SS

[Curiosity]

Thanks to you both, for the condolences and the reassurance. And I think you’re right… she has been in frequent contact, and the family has sent their love. It has been strange for her because her immediate family has all been acting so normal. But the wedding is this evening and the funeral is tomorrow morning, so I’m sure it will all be pretty intense.

When W got the call, she was so upset and tearful. At some point in the conversation, her mom basically said to snap out of it because crying isn’t going to change anything. And it struck me how differently we all cope with loss.

After I posted, I initially felt selfish for making this family’s tragedy about me in any way, but that wasn’t my intent. It just struck me that I very much still feel like we are redefining our roles as spouses, but it also seems like W is figuring out herself as an individual, too… how much does she want to lean on me and how much does she need to know she can do for herself. And to some degree I guess we all learn more about ourselves throughout our lives. But I feel like in MLC and its aftermath, it’s even more important for them to learn these things about themselves.