[MadLuv]

You know I had no idea that I had become some what co dependent in my marriage to then find my independence again. I can only imagine that even a healthy reconnection and rebuilding can have moments of dependence in a need for reassurance at times. If that makes any sense at all!! I’m glad she has been checking in and I cant imagine a death and a wedding and how you would handle the flux of emotions.

[HeavenlyFocus]

After I posted, I initially felt selfish for making this family’s tragedy about me in any way, but that wasn’t my intent. It just struck me that I very much still feel like we are redefining our roles as spouses, but it also seems like W is figuring out herself as an individual, too… how much does she want to lean on me and how much does she need to know she can do for herself. And to some degree I guess we all learn more about ourselves throughout our lives. But I feel like in MLC and its aftermath, it’s even more important for them to learn these things about themselves.

Hi Curiosity,

When I read your initial post, I thought your W seemed to be making a rather healthy decision.   I think when we are a fixer, it is tough to give up on that part co-dependent relationship.   Glad that you were able to be there for you W and yet it was ok that she could face this on her own.   Progress occurs when we face new challenges and handle them differently than we did in the past.   I am learning too to grow and change my own co-dependent behaviors although it takes time for me to process and learn.

HF

[Curiosity]

We are definitely still at a place where we are learning about ourselves as individuals (or at least about the changes that have occurred in us because of her crisis and my journey that arose from it). And you are both absolutely right that codependency and fixer tendencies seem to be almost hard wired - they are really tough to overcome. I think it’s interesting how we struggle to find that healthy balance… in early LBS life, many of us worry about detaching because we are worried that we will become too detached and will fall out of love with our spouses. I think that similarly, I worry sometimes that if I don’t always keep the trains running on time, if I’m not always her rock, if I’m not always the fixer, that maybe it means I’m too detached and independent, and that I’m not fostering the healthy amount of interdependence that a relationship should have.

Ultimately, I know that I think about this too much - I need to just live my life and not micromanage my marriage. And truly, most of the time, I do. I feel like 90% of the time, I strike that balance pretty well. But when something unexpected happens, I revert back to that post-BD place where I need to emotionally turn inward and instead just analyze every detail. And in the end… this is a difficult situation for those who loved the man who passed away; it’s not a marriage test, or anything like that - even though my posts here focused on the marriage and me and W, I do have a better perspective on the reality of the situation.

[JohnnyBravo]

So… sorry that this post is a bit of a downer.

Unlike most of our spouses, we're all here for each other "for better or for worse," as they say...

[Algo]

Hey Curiosity,

Just wanted to tell you that I've read some of your posts and I feel what you've been through, I feel my case is very similar to yours, but I'm only at BD+6 months, and I feel that reading your story helps me to cope with my own uncertainties and questions, and focus in the detachment and personal healing is the best way forward, thanks for being an inspiration to my own journey.

Best regards, Algo

[Curiosity]

Algo, thanks for the comment and I am glad to hear that my story has been helpful to you. I know that many of the stories here were almost a lifeline for me when I was struggling to detach, striving to understand what was happening to the life I thought I had, and navigating the process of grieving. Those things might look a little (okay, sometimes a lot) different in each of our stories, but the broad themes are similar.

I benefited from stories of at-home MLCers and vanishers, reconciliation stories and stories where the LBS moved on; I benefited from stories where the LBS moved forward into detachment quickly and from stories where the LBS cycled almost as much as the MLCer (that’s the camp I fell into). And it helped me to read the stories of people whose BD happened near mine as well as those who are a decade or more into their journeys. And I still benefit today.

Not much has changed in my world. W and I are navigating married life together. We are going away for a vacation next month, we have hosted friends who were visiting the area, we’re just… living. We don’t delve into the details of her crisis much in our conversations, but we both appreciate the importance of being truly open and honest, not giving the small talk answer of “I’m fine” when asked how we are. It isn’t idyllic or brand new or anything like that - W struggles with anxiety and depression, and sometimes gets burned out with work, and I struggle with finding the balance between being engaged and showing empathy without trying to jump in and fix things for her when she needs to figure them out for herself. But most days, we are just living our lives, each of us a little more open about how grateful we are to be sharing this journey. And I’m sure that isn’t the end of the story, and I’m sure that even if the reconciliation is permanent, I will have some ups and downs and periods of introspection. But coming here, journaling, reading other people’s experiences with life beyond MLC… that goes a long way toward feeling connected and feeling the strength that comes from having a community.

[Algo]

Dear Curiosity,

Thanks for sharing it, I've read somewhere that when we cross paths with someone who is dealing with the same problems, the world seems like a safe port, even if it's for a brief moment. let's keep fighting for our life, even if it's not the same life we had before it all started :-) Best regards, Algo

[Curiosity]

So, things are still going well in the land of reconnection. Slowly but surely, affection and intimacy are making their way back into our life. We are once again able to seek out each other for comfort and security if we are feeling anxious or upset. I admit that she is further down that path of trust than I am, which I think makes sense given that she was the one who left. But we are in a really good place.

I am updating in part to acknowledge that the people who had concerns about my friendship with A, or who at least thought it was a bit unfathomable, were probably right all along. I won’t go into details - it’s a long story and probably unnecessary.  Basically, A needed to come over here for something related to her animal rescue. She’d been a bit distant recently so I gave her space to do what she needed to do. Soon after, I reached out to check in and see if she was okay. She immediately lashed out at me for being rude and dismissive, ignoring her or treating her “like the hired help” when she was here. I was stunned and explained myself, and I apologized sincerely for making her feel ignored. Even though it hadn’t been my intent, she clearly felt that way and I regret that. She reiterated that she couldn’t possibly see how my rudeness had been unintentional, and went on to say that clearly W has disdain for A and wanted me to show A the same disrespect, and I had, and that was all she needed to know.

So, I left it there. I could be angry that she accused me of lying to her and of being insincere with my apology. At best, she is saying that I am a puppet being manipulated by W. At worst, she is essentially calling me a liar and manipulator. It is clear that not only has she not forgiven W, but she hasn’t even accepted that W was in a tumultuous place herself when everything happened. But I’m not angry… or at least not in any lasting way. I’m sad for her, because she has had so much abuse and trauma in her life that she lashes out casts a wide net of “people who cannot be trusted.” I believe she has a good heart and I hope she is able to find some peace and emotional security.

I was thinking and talking through this whole thing, and I think that when this friendship started, I was just beginning to reconnect with W. I had gotten a bit of an apology from W, but little in the way of reassurance that she understood what had happened to make her abandon our marriage. I felt like A understood in a way that W couldn’t, and that maybe A and I could help each other process the events and support each other in our healing. I remember the first time I had an in person, in depth discussion with A. When I came home after, W was convinced I was going to be angry with her or questioning my decision to work on our marriage. And I mean, maybe I did need to vent a little bit back then because we weren’t really talking about our path forward so I wasn’t sure where she was (and I was still in the mindset of “don’t start R talks”). But I quickly learned that even though there were similarities in the experiences that A and I had with respect to the crisis, our experiences with W overall were vastly different. And our own histories were vastly different. And as W and I reconnected, it became clear that discussing my marriage with A would have been an obstacle to reconnection. And luckily, venting to A is not something I have done at all since the first several weeks of reconnection, and even then it was very little.

The thing is, I thought our friendship had moved beyond that history, and that we had each healed enough to move forward. I knew A had not fully forgiven W, but I thought she had moved toward acceptance and peace around what had happened between them. And maybe she tried to heal and couldn’t get there, or maybe she only wanted to talk to me as long as I could validate her anger at W. I don’t know the truth of it and I probably never will. And I’m not going to dwell on it - I acted in good faith, it was received as something negative. I explained myself and apologized sincerely, and was not believed. That is entirely her choice, and I will move forward knowing that I did my best.

So, for not getting into much detail, that still turned out to be a long story. It’s been good for me to process all of it, though, and it helps to understand how I have still been healing even after I thought I was in a pretty healthy place.

[MadLuv]

Glad to hear things are going well!! I was definitely one of the ones questioning the relationship with “A”. I think she proved she has no place in either of your futures and it is best that you both disconnect and leave that friendship behind. In the end better that relationship be the casualty then the ones you are now building back together. IMHO

[Curiosity]

MadLuv, thanks for responding. I agree with you; I am extremely reluctant to write off the people I care about, and I do recognize that A has significant trauma in her own history that colors her relationships. And honestly, it is hard to see her so volatile that even a friend is not safe from her distrust - even after an explanation and an apology. I genuinely want peace and healing for her, and I don’t want there to be any animosity between us - there is none from me, certainly. But I also prioritize my own well-being, and any reciprocal relationships in my life (marriage, family, or friends) have to include some level of trust, respect, and the genuine belief that the trust and respect are mutual.

I admit that it made me really examine my social skills - how I interpret the words and actions of others, and how I express myself. I know that I have always struggled with this. I wondered for a while about whether I was on the autism spectrum, but in discussing with therapists it seems that my presentation is more like a form of social anxiety. But I think that often, in trying to avoid making people feel uncomfortable, I overthink the way I want to handle the interaction, and perhaps sometimes I do exactly the thing I am trying to avoid. It feels like the right thing to do in the moment, but in retrospect I can see what I might have done differently. Luckily, the overthinking isn’t something I feel the need to do in relationships that are in a solid place. It really just happens when I don’t feel sure of where the relationship stands.