[OffRoad]

He said the way I handled it throughout this was very attractive.  Meaning he thought I would be more "attitudey" but he said every text, interaction was done so well that it showed him again what a good person I am and how much he missed me. 

Maybe it is just me, but this REALLY bothers me. He just placed HIS actions on YOUR actions. Not OK. OMG, had you had the AUDACITY to be "attitudey" then maybe he wouldn't have come back? Way to keep you scared and not "attitudey". Way to make sure YOU tow HIS line and not do something that would maybe BOTHER him like justifiably expecting him to prove he's not just going to go off with the next woman who shows interest.

Remorse is "I am so sorry for what I did, how can I make amends for it?" This really isn't sounding like that, and I am glad you are wary. Don't stop with your separation/divorce research. If he comes back and life is grand, no harm no foul. If he does the back and forth thing so many do, you are prepared.

Remorse is not "I'll come back because you were "nice" to me". 

I wasn't there, I didn't hear the exact words, so JMO, as always. You and the kids first. Trust has to be earned.

[thissucks7788]

Thank you so much guys!  It just feels so strange to be in this position.  I agree with all of you-- that I would have liked to have heard more of an apology, which I didn't get.  I did get some remorse and an admission of the pain that I was caused.  However, it was not perfect. He did cause a tremendous amount of pain, grief and hurt and he did acknowledge that.  Although true to MLC, a lot was about him.  I still believe he is in MLC so I want to be very cautious. Yup OffRoad, taking things slow and I do have a lot of the divorce paperwork done.  (And I did it with attitude *Also see below for my new legal plan.

Tsun, you're right, I have changed during this time.  I actually said as much. I told him tonight that I'm different and we need to get to know each other again slowly and see if we are still compatible.  Start dating again. I told him he can't come home yet and I know he was very disappointed.  I again expressed how difficult it was when he up and left me with all of the responsibilities... child, house etc.. (you know my massive trigger).  I wanted to leave no stone unturned to tell him how I feel about everything.  I even addressed...ready for it.... "the workout!"  I told him that want someone who has time for me and for some fun. 

 I also told him that I have trust issues and something that would make me feel more comfortable is if he would sign a post nuptial agreement, which he agreed to no problem.  I am definitely following up on this as I would feel way more secure that if he does anything like this again, at least it will be one less worry for me and clear the path for a D if it comes to that. 

Thanks xyzcf for those nice and hopeful words. Letting him back in at all requires a lot of faith and I hope that I don't get hurt again.  At least I'll know that I tried what I could regardless of how it all turns out.    I'm so lucky to have found all of you here!! xoxoo

[thissucks7788]

Just thought I would check in and do a little journaling and update for anyone who is interested.  So we are still trying to work things out and it's been bumpy at least for my emotions.  H seems dedicated to moving forward and is pushing to move back into the house but I'm slowing things down.  I am able to check his phone freely (although let's face it, deleting could happen) but I do believe he has really cut contact with EA girl.  I have been extremely honest about expressing my doubts, fears and concerns and he is willing to listen and try to make me feel more comfortable. Expressing remorse and singing my praises.  However, let's face it-- he still had an EA and walked out.  As I told him that damage doesn't just disappear.  I find myself feeling insecure (which is a sh*tty new feeling) and I always wonder if he is thinking about the EA girl).  I know this part is probably mostly my problem to work through as no matter how much I'm assured I still can't seem to help these thoughts/feelings.  I wonder how you rebuild.  Here is a real cringe worthy part-- the sex seems different...not as connected. Maybe this will just take some more time.   Even though he insists otherwise, I can't help but to feel like I'm plan B.   Frankly I've always felt like a plan A kind of gal (until my new insecurity thanks to this whole situation).  I've expressed this to him and he says the right things but still.   We are going to go on a short couple day family vacation next week so it should be interesting to see how that turns out. 

As we all know not all unicorns and flowers when trying to get it all together.  I still believe my H is in a MidLife thing... maybe it was a hard transition and not a crisis, (not sure) but he still displays signs imo.  Still early on.... will have to wait and see what happens.

[xyzcf]

Who could have imagined, when our marriages and lives were shattered, that if they came back, it would be so difficult?

We are changed, they are changed and there are a great deal of wounds to be healed...that can't just be brushed away.

I think two people who love one another and are committed to working very very hard to rebuilt a marriage can do so. It just isn't going to feel the same or be the same.

If it interests you I have heard that Retrouvaille is a really good program for marriages in severe trouble.
https://helpourmarriage.org/

The wounding from infidelity is a very deep wound. Some people are never able to get past it.

What ever you decide, whatever feels right to you....take plenty of time to figure out...what the pros and cons are.

Often it has been written that the LBSer in the end gets to decide. Nobody on HS can really give you any "advice" on this because each situation is different, each relationship is different and we call come from a multitude of beliefs and backgrounds.

But there will be good comments made, that you can consider...because this community certainly has the experience that few others will have (even regarding reuniting...some will think you are crazy to even consider that).

Relationships are difficult...not just partners, but families in general and it is these deepest relationships that hurt us the most.

Thanks for catching us up.

[thissucks7788]

Thanks xyzcf!  Very wise words.  You are so right- everyone is different now and there are wounds that need to heal.  Definite pros and cons but something I have thought a lot about... What if I got back with H and then in 2 years, 5 years etc... he did this again.  How would I feel?  Obviously terrible, horrible, but I think if I didn't try to save my family, I would regret that more. I may always wonder what if.  That is a definite driving factor in my decision to at least move forward and try. 

I am going to check out the link you sent, thank you!  I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of the support.  Throughout this process I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing.  To have everyone here for support is so lucky (and I have to say that this is a very smart and caring group!

[FaithWalker]

How is it going TS?  Are you still reconnecting?  Would love an update.

[thissucks7788]

Hi Faithwalker!
Thanks for checking in!  I'm sorry that it has been a while since I've updated.  So H moved back in  mid September and so far all is going pretty well.  Obviously there is trust issues after everything that has happened.  I have permission to go through his phone/messages/emails whenever I want without telling him as a way to "trust but verify".  It took a little bit to get used to him being back in the house and I noticed that some of the things that didn't really bother me before do a bit more now but I'm trying to be patient as there has been so much change this past year. (You know how you finally get used to living on your own).  H is doing and saying all of the right things but I still struggle with what he did and not feeling like I was Plan A if you know what I mean.  I'm hoping that some of these bad feelings will change with time.  Yesterday was LO bday (she turned the ripe old age of 21) and I did a scour of his phone this morning (while he was sleeping) and checked out his cell account online and it appears that he didn't reach out which I'm glad about.  It makes me sad that I have to check but it is what it is.  He is trying-- bringing me flowers and being attentive so that is good.

So that's what's happening around here.  I'm happy that he's back but like most things, it is a mixed bag.  I hope all is going well with you.  Thank you for thinking of me! xo
B

 

[MomOfSteel]

I’m glad things are going well.  Hopefully with time you will be able to restore trust again. 

[thissucks7788]

Thanks MomofSteel (great name btw!!)

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

First of all, I glad that he is back.

but I still struggle with what he did and not feeling like I was Plan A if you know what I mean.

This is very hard and I struggled with it as well. But in his situation and for most of the MLCers, it's not plan A or plan B, but fantasy and reality.  Part of coming out of the tunnel is becoming aware of the fantasy. Remember, it's all about feelings. OW makes me feel alive, enables me to live again, and more idiotic statements that all are rooted in emotion and not rational thought.  In the end, the fantasy always ends and you have to face reality. In his case, I am a 50+ year old man trying to partner with a 21 year old girl. How long would that really last? I am sure that some person will write they know of a couple that married and still going strong, but the odds are against such a marriage and long term sustainability.

So now you have an MLCer back home and coming to some sense of reality. You and his son are reality. As you stated, he was sitting in his own apartment with nothing and was eventually going to end up with nothing. However, he has not fully emerged from the tunnel and still needs to cook a little bit more.

Eventually, you will push him to be accountable for his actions. Read HB's threads and why it is important to hold him accountable when the time is right. He is lucky that you didn't divorce him and that coming back to his family wasn't an option B, but the wisest choice he has ever made in his life.

Keep going strong and have an awesome day,

((((Ready))))