[Returned]

My two sons, S36 and S27, who have been unrelentingly grumpy the last decade,  have been in party mode ever since their dad got home. I get a feeling their Dad is having some culture shock right now about his return to the States, but my two boys are in the backyard listening to music, swimming, and blissfully happy. Hope I can somehow hold it together for them.

[in it]

Hi Returned,

My view probably isn't the most popular here, however there are some things you might want to think about.

I understand we want our children happy. However you need to consider the emotional cost to you.
Do both of your son's live with you?

Also he has a new job. Is he contibuting financially at all? If not he needs too.

This whole thing has my radar up.

He's still involved with the OW and now he's living in your house. Don't let your compassion or understanding be your undoing. He still has zero respect for you. You need to maintain some for yourself.

If the kids don't know he's still involved with her at some level you might want to cue them in at some point.

You aren't being fair to yourself to try to hold it together because of the kids and he still continues to do whatever he wants too. Don't reward bad behavior.

Make sure you have nothing physically to do with him, no matter what he says you have no idea who he's been with.
He needs full testing from a Dr and you need to see results of those tests. Do not risk your health at any level for this wayward person.

 Ten years is a long time to be gone then just show up.

[Returned]

My sons do both live with me as well as my grandson. Kind of unusual but the oldest recently broke up with long term girlfriend, and youngest has never been in a serious relationship for reasons unknown, maybe just introversion. The boys have always been buddies and enjoyed each others company.  As for xH he does contribute part of his salary and a lot of housework. I have decided to suspend thoughts about OW as she is 3000 miles away. As long as my sons are deliriously happy this is good enough for me.

[xyzcf]

Several years ago, we used to talk about how the MLCer's "pattern" for return was they started with reconnecting to some friends and family, then their kids and pets and that the last person was to the LBSer. This was of course anecdotal as much is with MLC but it did seem to happen in a sequence.

I am with you regarding including my husband  in family events, even though our daughter is 38 years old, even adult children still wish to have a relationship with their parents. For many reasons, it is good when the 4 of us spend time together (she and her husband with both of us).

She and I occasionally talk about "him" and she is well aware that he is strange and not the dad she knew all her life. Well, we know that to be true in someone who is experiencing a MLC.

The idea that we absolutely must shut out the MLCer completely from our lives unless they are ready to meet all our needs/wants/and feel remorse and apologize for everything is unrealistic...who says this is so?

If we have healed, we did that without their assistance and we can make the choice that it is ok for them to be with us and our families. It's really a matter of personal choice.

The number of years before returning is insignificant.

Boundaries are something that we create for our own emotional health and safety. I will admit that an OW turns my stomach but in what you are explaining

"As he has stayed here longer he has gradually become less defensive and more relaxed. He works very hard at his new job. He appears genuinely happy to be with the kids. He constantly tries to be helpful with me and some of our conversations are almost pre-BD. "

None of us know what will happen with them as time passes. You are protecting your heart by not focusing on the OW and by enjoying the happiness of your sons.

We don't get to judge what you are doing for your family because each of us are also on our own journey and each of those are different.

Perhaps people write about their stories here for some support from others. I know other "old timers" who have contact with their spouse but have not entered into a relationship together. I also know other "old timers" who even though they are happy in their new relationships, would like to be able to have a civil relationship with their ex, especially when it comes to their adult children.

So, enjoy this time. It is very interesting to read your observations about is behaviours.

[Returned]

The idea that we absolutely must shut out the MLCer completely from our lives unless they are ready to meet all our needs/wants/and feel remorse and apologize for everything is unrealistic...who says this is so?

I think there are several key things here that people who are not old timers may have a hard time understanding.

I guess the first thing is that we have we have been divorced by mutual consent for 9 years. So I really have no claim to fidelity or anything else at this stage. Admittedly there is a lot to be desired about his behavior 9 years ago as a spouse and as a father. But right now he is not doing any of those horrendous replay behaviors. Should I be bitter or bear a grudge? I suppose I would be fully within my rights to be bitter and bear a grudge, but what good would it do me or my children?

Second is that his recent behavior is nothing to complain about. He has been considerate, respectful, and supportive. He also has been honest. Admittedly not affectionate, but four out of five isn't bad.

Third I am faced with some stark choices. xH destroyed his career, has been unemployed for a long time, and  is not capable of economic self sufficiency, at least not yet. We live in a very expensive city. So my choice is to let him live with me and work, or kick him out and send him back to his country and OW. That simple. I think someone outside the situation could easily say "he gets what he deserves". However Iiving with us is not only what is best for him, it is also what is best for me and my children. My children not only get their father back, they get to see lessons in forgiveness, commitment, and caring.

My guess is that my husband is not affectionate because he has not made a final decision. The lifelong consequences of publicly returning to his family in the US would be huge. His country is a small country where everyone knows each other. The OW has powerful connections in his home country and a public breakup with her would have far-reaching consequences, some of which he may not be prepared to deal with. Since he threw most of our mutual friends overboard in the years after bomb drop, he made new friends in OW social circle, many of whom he respects. OW social circle would likely shun him if he officially returned to his family. He would end up completely alone except for me and the kids.

Of course, once he is back on his feet, there is no guarantee what will happen. I know that. He is not returning with a certification that MLC is over. He might go tearing off with some woman he meets at work. It's possible.

If I see any replay behaviors I always have the option of saying that's it. However, I certainly hope that doesn't happen for everyone's sake.

[in it]

Returned, sounds like everyone is calm happy and peaceful. Sounds good. 

[Curiosity]

Returned, this is exactly why - even though we all may benefit from reading each other’s stories and even though there may be some similarities - we always have to make our decisions based on the individual nuances of our own situations. Xyzcf is really good about emphasizing this, I think.

Despite the differences between your situation and mine, the piece of common ground that applies to all of us is that what’s right or okay or acceptable or even beneficial for each of us all comes down to where we can place boundaries that genuinely serve our well-being. For some people, that may be no contact unless or until the MLCer has truly shown behavior suggesting that they have worked through the issues that led to crisis. For some, they can truly achieve loving detachment in such a way that they are able to spend family time with the MLCer, and maybe even hold onto the underlying friendship that was part of the relationship before MLC. And sometimes they make that choice because they still see glimpses of the loving relationship that was; sometimes the reasons for spending time with the MLCer are more about practicalities. Whatever the reason… if you can spend time with him in whatever capacity, and appreciate and accept it for what it is, then I think it’s something for which to be thankful. And it certainly seems like that is the case. Talking about it here is often a good way to process your own emotions around it and ensure that you still feel like you are in a healthy place. But I agree with xyzcf that nobody has the right to judge or second guess your decisions around your life and family. I wish you well and I appreciate that you are sharing your story.

[Returned]

As we near the three month mark of my xH coming home I have many thoughts. We were married for almost 27 years so I already know the full spectrum of his behaviors, and within his range of behavior he has been remarkably agreeable since he got home. He occasionally misinterprets things but by and large he has done what he can to be helpful. His new job is grueling, he has to work a lot of graveyard shifts, but since he was out of the workforce for a long time this is probably as good as he can get right now.

What I have noticed is something that i have heard other LBS mention in the past, the problem of triggers. There are moments when something reminds me of a particularly horrible part of BD. For example he sometimes converses casually with the in-laws by phone while I am in the room. These are people who were my dear friends before BD, and who cut all ties with both me and our children after bomb drop. To date they have not wished my children a happy birthday or a merry christmas in the last 10 years. How does one forgive something like this? I am baffled and confused. Even if it looks like there is hope for a return to sanity on the part of xH what do I do with my anger over the way my children were discarded by the in-laws? Luckily it seems as if my boys haven't noticed, although it is hard to tell if they are just being brave.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

My view probably isn't the most popular here, however there are some things you might want to think about.

I disagree. Your post was valid and made many salient points. In fact, we need a variety of points and perspectives because not one situation here fits a particular mold or works for the LBSer.

I am with you regarding including my husband  in family events, even though our daughter is 38 years old, even adult children still wish to have a relationship with their parents. For many reasons, it is good when the 4 of us spend time together (she and her husband with both of us).

Case in point, Xyzxf does this for the benefit of her child because it helps with her daughter's mental and social well-being. I am happy that she does. In my situation, neither daughter wants to be around us as a "family". They prefer to be with us one on one without the other parent present. They can't stand "family" functions. Because of this, I don't arrange or try to make "family" events with them and their mother. Once again, this is for them and what they prefer.

The point is there is not one set formula or one way to break the MLCer code. If we had it, we would have shared it a long tine ago. In regards to your post, I always look at mindset. You posted to help and as long as you post with that mindset, your words and point of view are always welcomed here.

These are people who were my dear friends before BD, and who cut all ties with both me and our children after bomb drop. To date they have not wished my children a happy birthday or a merry christmas in the last 10 years. How does one forgive something like this? I am baffled and confused.

Forgiveness is a choice and you don't have to forgive then. After all, they have not even tried to return and they made a choice to cut you out of their lives. To date, I have not forgiven my spouse. What I advise is to keep very dim or dark in regards to them. Flip the switch. Let's say they came back on their own and apologized for their behavior and your ex was still off with OW. They asked to be a part of your life and your children's lives as well. You could still accept them back while your H was out of the picture. Now, it's you h back in the picture and the inlaws are not your concern. If you can push OW out of your mind, push them out as well.

Have a great day and keep posting,

((((Ready))))

[Returned]

Last year on my birthday xH had been staying at my home for several weeks on one of his many exploratory visits. I cried when we got to 7 pm and he hadn’t wished me a happy birthday yet. This year he messaged me from work at 2 am to be the first person to wish me a happy birthday. I realize this is small stuff but it is nice to see him take small steps towards transforming into a person who cares about his family.