[STP]

Welcome to my thread journaling life after my 9/16 divorce. My ex-wife and I very rarely communicate. My first bomb drop was 11/09 when XW had an online EA. I stood and we reconciled 9/10. The second BD was 4/16 after discovering her PA with her best friends husband.

—FAMILY—
S30 & S27 - live together in the former family home 5 miles away. S30 bought it from me and his gf lives with them and her bunch of reptiles.
S23 - bought his own house 8 miles from mine. His gf lives with him. He and S20 often attend music concerts with me.
S20 - lives with XW & OM in a house situated between his brothers homes.

—GIRLFRIEND—
KA - six years younger, we began dating 2/18 and see each other Tuesday nights and weekends, alternating houses depending if she has her D10. Her father, age 85 lives with them. She is grounded, logical, and realistic. She does not want to get married and I am fine with that. KAs best friend LD is going to jail for two counts of vehicular manslaughter and her next bestie KM drunk kissed me, confessed and has been dropped.

—SINGLE FRIENDS since 2016—
JS - my best guy friend who talks too much and is overly serious which is why women don’t like him! He has no life without me and comes to all my events.
MM - my woman best friend who is married, but her dying H is confined to a bed for the last 25+ years. She is dating a much older man I am not fond of, who lives out-of-state that she goes to see weekends. I've seen her but once since they met 3/22.
DC - a woman in a 7-yr relationship who used to be more amorous, flirty and attentive towards me. She mostly ignores me and I leave her be. Last seen 9/22 and intimate two years prior.

---OTHERS---
XW - we were married 25 years, she is now married to OM since 12/18. Haven't seen her in 4 years.
OM - former husband of BF for 25 years, he no longer sees his kids who despise him. I hate him too and hope their marriage fails. We have not exchanged any words since before I discovered their 3/16 affair.
BF - former best friend of XW for 22 years, she lives with her kids a state away and has no contact with OM. Shes had a boyfriend for several years.
AF, CH, AG, GW - former girlfriends since separation. No contact in five years.

I have a very active social life throwing theme parties at my home almost monthly, attended by no less than 20 single friends. I also lead monthly hikes and other group activities in the singles group my gf KA and I belong to.

Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11471.0
My very first thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4735.msg300673#msg300673

[STP]

Journaling

S20 contacted me asking about Thanksgiving plans, indicating his two cousins on XWs side won't be in town until Friday. Traditionally, since before my kids birth, Thanksgiving Day has always been seeing XWs family with mine getting the shaft (er, next best day of Black Friday). If my kids all opt to visit XWs family on Fri. none at the out-of-state family gathering will see them this year. I've thought of contacting XW and messaging my kids... but will just let it be without conflict. KA texted me her opinion: My kids are adults and can make up their own minds, although I know, there is no way they will deny my XW their presence. Thursday is not as option as my parents will keep to the 30+ year tradition of Friday and it would effect too many others to change it. I will be at KAs with her parents for Thanksgiving and take her to my parents on Friday. I could see some of my kids possibly trying to attend both gatherings with a two hour drive between. We'll see.

This Saturday I am leaving KAs for a few hours and going to a hike hosted by another retired guy outside the singles group. The people attending his hike are older and there are many I don't know, which is fine. I haven't see this friend in a year. I met JS and MM in his hiking group six years ago.

[STP]

Journaling

My elderly friends hike was cancelled due to cold so I went with KA and D10 to the girl scout pottery painting event. The rest of the weekend was pleasant.

BF messaged me

I had this crazy dream. You were living in the same house as when I met you in IL. We were older and I was over to help you paint and remodel. We had plans on the renovation but as we were discussing it you had switched all the things we talked about and made new renovation plans. I was a little upset and asked why you didn't tell me when your XW walks in and says because we are back together again and this is the way I want it. I started to cry and asked you why you would ever take her back after all these years and everything she had done and you said “She’s the mother of my children, I still love her” then you asked me not to be mad at you. I just wanted to get away from her.

I replied I wouldn't go back to XW or IL. That life was all about her. XW belittled everything I was interested in.
BF replied

I have a feeling at some point she will try to get back together.

I can't see that ever happening unless OM drops out of the picture and she wouldn't fit in the life I have now.

I found myself looking through pictures from 2016 last night. The very last photo of XW and I was at a pirate festival and we are dressed in period garb on a ship. There are some photos I took of her with my real sword (being pointed at me) and the look in her eyes is reminiscent of the month after the first bomb drop. It's a MLC look I refer to as scratchy eyes. I don't like that look. She was attractive back then besides crazy.

A year ago today I was URBEX exploring an old abandoned church with two newer photographer friends and S27. One of the women left almost right away leaving the other CYS to photograph the ruins with my son and I. I had met her previously when the two of us photographed a cemetery together. A rare 'married' friend who bears a resemblance to XW-an appearance I naturally like. Of course I haven't seen CYS since- theres been no attempt to go out and photograph with others. It did make me think how unimportant my marriage may have appeared in the eyes of OM when he started his affair with XW. I know better and would consider an others relationship status.  I think I wasn't considered at all by OM. He just saw her and went for it amongst her MLC flirting. As we know just because someone is married or in a relationship it doesn't make them safe from other peoples advances. It was just a passing thought that if CYS was avail, I'd enjoy being around her more.

I'm in a good thing with KA. It sounds like at least some of my kids will be there FRI as mentioned in my previous post.
Happy thanksgiving to you.

[Ready2Transform]

Glad things are working out for the holiday, and with KA, STP!

I've seen your posts about BF over the years, and I understand her pain and why she would still cling so much to what's happening with your xW and OM. If I'm not wrong, didn't they have a few young children, with at least one being special needs, that he abandoned her with? That would create some super heavy neural pathways of resentment. But she just seems so stuck. It's like she always contacts you with dreams or other innocuous things to try to get you on the same wave she's on, focusing on them instead of seeing that you've moved forward. It's really sad, and should be a wake-up call for all of us to not make our former spouses a trauma hobby. It doesn't help, with our own lives or in relationships with others.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Of course I haven't seen CYS since- theres been no attempt to go out and photograph with others. It did make me think how unimportant my marriage may have appeared in the eyes of OM when he started his affair with XW. I know better and would consider an others relationship status.  I think I wasn't considered at all by OM. He just saw her and went for it amongst her MLC flirting. As we know just because someone is married or in a relationship it doesn't make them safe from other peoples advances. It was just a passing thought that if CYS was avail, I'd enjoy being around her more.

I do agree that OM didn't care. Of course, my ex was quick to accept his advances so I still throw it out on my ex as the main issue. After all, she should have said no and didn't. She was the one that made the vow to me not him. With that being said, that does mean that I am a particular fan of OM and I absolutely hate his guts. I rejoiced when he and my ex broke up. My ex can date and have a great relationship with anyone but him.

Having gone through everything that I have dealt with regarding cheating and all the lies and manipulation that follows an affair, I would never be a cheater. Never ever. Even if I was single and I knew it was just a fling, would I participate in such an activity. It just ends up messy and I just don't want to have anything to do with that type of mess. If you are married, stayed married and if you are single and want to be a player, play with other players. Simple and no mess.

I'm in a good thing with KA. It sounds like at least some of my kids will be there FRI as mentioned in my previous post.
Happy thanksgiving to you.

Sounds amazing, Happy Thanksgiving to you as well!

((((Ready))))

[STP]

Thanks for comments R2T and Ready

Yes BF has two kids that are like 28 and 25 now? The younger one has all sorts of medical ailments. It's been over 4 years since I saw BF and she's never been strong willed.

Journalling

All my kids came to Thanksgiving at my parents house as usual and stayed late. I think they went to their other cousins after 9pm. I'm glad they kept to the tradition.

I got out of Facebook jail and resumed the fun there. I removed KM from my party group but am still friends with her. There's been no contact since I scolded her. I saw on Facebook a Thanksgiving post from S23s gf about the people closest to her. Of course my XW is pictured there as the girl works in her metaphysical shop.

I changed my health/dental benefits at work and informed the kids they are not covered by me any longer. S30 and S27 are too old and S21 and S23 have their own union coverage. I considered informing XW but prefer to not text with her. I will text her "happy birthday" tomorrow as she did for me. In about two weeks is her anniversary married to OM for 4 years.

Saturday night is my Christmas party. I have 20+ friends coming right now including MM and her old man bf. Haven't seen them in like 8 months. Back to an end time of midnight for KA to get her sleep. Sunday we are attending the singles group Christmas party of 50 people. The group has since been renamed 'singles and couples social group' as many are in relationships with other members and its not a dating group. The party will be alright with a lot of newbies.

[STP]

Journalling

My Christmas party was fun with 27 friends attending. I got a bad taste in my mouth when two important people left at 9:30 (before my group photo) to go to another party and KA pulled up a few Facebook pics as they were being posted live. I knew everyone there and at one time or another they've all been in my house. Some are current good friends and some are people that are no longer close with me as they seem to prefer "The H gang" as I have named it. Whatever. Their party host is someone dubbed the Ice Queen by MM for her coldness.

Speaking of MM she came without her old man bf and stayed until midnight. It was wonderful to see and talk with her. I did think how attractive she is. She gave KA a hug and told me a couple times she doesn't know what she is doing (in her relationship). Seems like everything was rosy during the summer on his boat but now that's over til next summer and she's the one making the long drive to see him weekends. I've missed MM but it's on her to make more effort to come around.

During the party DC texted me

I was going to make it tonight but couldn't. Sorry. Hope it was a fabulous or is a fabulous party.

I responded (the next day) that I'm pleased she's still interested in attending as she hasn't in 3 years. I invited her to my 'second chance party' this upcoming weekend as she considers herself an excellent baker. It's a Sunday afternoon cookie swap. I have 10 people coming to that.

This past Sunday afternoon party of 54 from the social group was a mix of some people from my party and the H gang. I made it a point to chat with all of them. Their 'leaders' gf was talking to me at one point and I swear she was running her fingers along my arm and shoulder. Odd. I don't hate any of them but it is a very cliquey group while I try to be open to everyone.

Other than things with KA and my family the rest of the year looks to be quiet of events. I will go over to buddy JSs house this week to check out his growing expensive light display.

[Standing Strong]

What a busy and fun life!!! 27 guests, that's amazing.... HA!!!

I'm so glad there is a person legend up top  One moment I think I know who you're talking about and then have to check to be sure!! 

Sounds like you have having a great holiday season with more to come. I'm so glad.

-SS

[STP]

Journalling

Thanks for your comment Standing Strong. I am living large and seeking fun.

Buddy JS texted me last night asking how I feel. I feel fine while he has contracted Covid-19 for the second time. I saw him 4 nights prior in my house. So KA and I both took rapid tests which came back negative. I scheduled my 4th booster vaccination, 13 months after the last one.

KA texted me this morning she took the day off as she has a 101º fever. I kissed her two night ago and feel fine today. I expect this to cancel our girl scout troop outing with her D10 to the South Bend zoo tomorrow.

DC texted me she had to cancel attending my cookie swap this Sunday as her daughter is flying in a couple days earlier than she knew. I said I was gonna hand her a Christmas card and asked to mail it instead getting her new address.

A friend of mine known 50 years lost his father this week. It got me thinking about how precious and short life it. Don’t waste your time being miserable. Unmet expectations of others often leads to misery. Ya gotta look out for yourself and surround yourself with good people.

[STP]

Journalling

I hope you all had an enjoyable Christmas with your kids and the MLCer caused no negativity.

I was a little disappointed Christmas morning when only S21 came over before the trek out of state to my parents. I found out that his three brothers were at XWs... again. They were there Christmas Eve but apparently didn’t open all their gifts as S27 wanted presents to look forward to on Christmas morning. Hello, what about the gifts I have for you? S21 told me all sorts of in-the-house happenings like XW apologizing for being so drunk she didn't remember anyone opening presents. 

I guess my ex father-in-laws one-story house was destroyed by the FL hurricane putting 8 feet of water in it for several weeks in September. Shortly after, his 15-yr younger, second-wife left him, not wanting to take care of him anymore. S30 later said ex-FIL has dementia and there’s not much going on in his head with no short term memory. XW and her brother are paying $4,000 a month to have him living in provided care up here. Quite sad as he’s younger than my parents. His sister, the opinionated older aunt and my XW are no longer on speaking terms either. S21 said there’s talk about getting another cat... this one without hair as OM is allergic to cats. As S30 said, XW is always trying to find that elusive happiness but we know she won’t. No manner of new pets will fix her brokenness. S21 said XW and OM argue often, but of course she wins everything. OM traded in his masculinity when he joined her. He has no contact with any of his family apparently, not even his parents. He is her puppet, a role I know and escaped from.

My Christmas Eve and time at KAs was terrific. I’m considered one of the family by her parents and, I’ve been told D10 has missed me on occasion. Christmas Day at my parents was wonderful with all my kids and family there. Even my brother from WI, who hadn't made an appearance in 4 years came and everyone stayed late.

New Years Eve isn't a big deal. I will be at KAs as she has D10 and we will just stay in to quietly ring in 2023.