[MomOfSteel]

Well, I guess it’s time to start a new thread so here is a link to my last thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11959.150

Ready, in response to your last post on my thread, you are right.  We were going for a nonstandard splitting of assets but really even if the worst case is we split everything according to law, I will be just fine.  It’s really that he’s trying to get fancy and get out of paying alimony at some point.  As I’m guessing you are aware of it’s a long term marriage he could have to pay me until he dies if I don’t get remarried.  Guess he should have divorced me somewhere else.  It’s been quiet on the lawyer front today.  I’m glad for the reprieve, we threw the ball back I. Their court and now we wait.  The waiting probably will also benefit me as housing prices are quickly falling so if I have to buy him out of the house it won’t be much of a buy out.  I’ve also just told him flat out I don’t want to talk to him about the settlement for the last few times.  I’m proud of myself for just walking away and cutting it off.  He twists everything and it’s just getting old quite frankly.  I also agree there is no point negotiating now. 

My mom messaged me yesterday to say they found a suspicious lump.  The doctors did a biopsy today and the waiting game begins.  I’m praying it is nothing serious.  My family lives far away and the thought of being so far away with a possible cancer diagnosis really scares me. 

Treasur, I do have IC support.  xyzfc that is a helpful article.  I certainly see myself in it.  I guess I just see myself reacting is strange ways in my everyday life to certain things, places, whatever and it interferes and is unpleasant when really there is nothing there that should really cause a reaction.  See a car that looks like his, break down and get really upset, hyper vigilant at the grocery store and feeling like someone (him or OW is going to be there somehow around every bend- really I feel crazy because I know I’m okay intellectually but I get really triggered in weird situations).  I guess I just don’t know what’s normal at this point. 

on a happier note, I just stayed up way too late helping make a diorama with evil snowmen all over it with one of my kids.  We laughed and laughed at how ridiculous it was.  He said, “it’s a good thing dad isn’t here because he wouldn’t have let me do this.”  It really was harmless and turned out pretty funny.  To add them all over a school project hiding behind trees and peeking out.  Somehow I’m guessing his teacher will enjoy it and we sure had fun making it minus the multiple burns from the glue gun. 

[UrsaMajor]

Attaching -

I have a repair job to do on a pottery diorama that will involve a glue gun too and I am NOT looking forward to it as that invariably involved glue/ glue-gun burns.... NO fun....

[xyzcf]

See a car that looks like his, break down and get really upset,

I had a very strong reaction to this....years later (because for 10 years after BD he lived out of country) I thought I saw his car in my neighborhood and my "monkey brain" had a flood of thoughts, is that him? What's he doing here? Did he come to see me? It was absolutely ridiculous but sadly very real.

Understanding these reactions can help us sort out what is a real threat and what our amygdala (our reptilian brain) perceives as a threat.

[MomOfSteel]

Ursa, I hope you fair better than I did with the glue gun.  xyzcf, the problem is similar cars are all over.  I know it's just my brain making me crazy, but in the moment, it doesn't really help knowing that too much.  Hopefully with time it will calm the heck down.  I find myself increasingly exhausted this week.  After spending way too much time on the phone with my lawyer, I still am not sure what to do.  He has come to the conclusion that anything H finds remotely offensive to him in the legal process causes him to throw everything into disarray again as we are not appropriately bowing down to his generosity and genius.  It's exhausting.  I know later today I will again have to deal with this.  The truth is, I am not really sure what to do.  I either give H what he wants or we risk getting sucked in even further.  The longer this goes on, the worse it seems to get on what he is willing to do.  I just wish I had a crystal ball of the right thing to do and say to just get this over with and be done and move on.  In addition, we found out my mom has cancer.  It's been a rough week. 

[Standing Strong]

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom MOS 
That's horrible. I hope it's not one of the really bad ones (you know what I mean, there aren't any good ones).

I know several people who had the same thing happen during the legal process.
I'd say it all depends on what you need. What can let slide, and what can't.
Sometimes it seems like being firm with them is a good thing and works (but always has a reaction), and other times they are so intent on something they can't throw a fit and get over it. Just depends.

I don't know if he is talking directly to you or not, but in my case it's always been a good thing to allow them to try and solve things and to then hold them to what they say. You said xxxxx and we agreed to xxxxxx, we agreed to this for xxxxx reasons, what has changed? Then comes the fit, and don't be moved (my experience). It's a tactic on their part.... They go wild: they get what they want. That cycle has to either be broken, or abandon the situation (IMO). Since you're at the stage you're at, maybe it's at the fight out the door stage in which case that's what the attorney is for. The really bad thing about that situation is that opposition feeds the MLC'er..... I'm not sure how to walk that back and disarm them if it's come to outright confrontation.

-SS

[JohnnyBravo]

Sorry to hear about your mom, MoS. What a blow.

Sounds like your XH, Pacman's XW, and my XW are all related, in terms of "legal strategy." It's nuts.

Hugs.

[FaithWalker]

MOS, I was very glad that MLCer drove a different vehicle not very long after the D.  It helped me disassociate easier and now we both drive different vehicles.  I have never looked over and seen MLCer behind the wheel in any vehicle in town either.

[MomOfSteel]

Thank you FW, JB and SS. 

Just some journaling...

I've been pretty quiet lately.  I suppose I've just needed to pull inside and retreat for a while as life is feeling really overwhelming.  I've been feeling really anxious and like my life is out of control lately. 

The holidays were okay.  I spent them with family while H had the kids for 10 days.  It was a nice break from motherhood tbh.  I missed them, especially on Christmas, but I desperately needed the break as fighting feels like it's constant when they are home.  I finally got H to agree to pay out of pocket for therapy for one of our kids who I've had a hard time finding a therapist for that takes our insurance.  Their behavior is getting increasingly angry and out of control.  It is completely out of their normal character and I think it is probably depression that is causing the problem. 

I think we have finally reached a settlement agreement, mostly because I am just done fighting and even though I am not thrilled, it is fine and I will be fine.  I need this to be over and I need stability and to know what I will have.  (assuming he doesn't completely self implode) 

My mom just had more imaging and they found 4 more suspicious lumps on MRI.  Her surgery has been delayed pending additional biopsies.  I'm praying they aren't all cancer, but if they are, it is better to find them now.  That would seem to indicate she may have a multifocal breast cancer and will be looking at a double mastectomy.  I wish I could be with her through all this. 

My kids survived their Christmas trip with their dad and his mistress and her kid.  I'm starting to see some cracks in his little fantasy life he is now living.  It may not be all that he thought it would be.  Apparently he and the OW had a fight on the trip where he pulled her aside to talk to her for telling him he needed to act like an adult and help make decisions.  Who knows what his immediate reply was but he felt the need to then take our kids aside and tell them that he shouldn't have said whatever it was he said and told them to not repeat it.  It also appears like he really is struggling with managing his money.  I don't quite understand it, because he would have to be pretty irresponsible to be struggling.  It appears his big expensive house might have been biting off more than he could chew and maintaining this jet setting lifestyle with another person who at least in part is using him for his money is taking its toll.  I just am shaking my head since he keeps giving me all his best advice on being financially responsible as he has been telling me how what he pays me is so great and I should never struggle.  I guess he doesn't want to take his own brilliant advice. 

I feel myself becoming more and more bitter.  I don't like it.  I feel like my anger at him is just growing as the kids continue to struggle.  I want him to feel real consequences.  I don't like that I want him to suffer.  I don't like that part of me that is happy when I hear something bad has happened to him.  It isn't who I want to be and yet I still feel that way.  I know anger is part of grief, I just don't want it to be permanent.  I don't want his MLC and abuse to continue to have that power in my life. 

[MadLuv]

My XH is also struggling financially due to a very materialistic OW. Don’t kick yourself to hard for wanting “bad” things to happen. I think it is more so that you hope he wakes up from it. I feel that way also at times and I thought the same as you. How am I growing if I am wishing this negative, but when I dove into my thought process on why it was more for hope of his growth. For my kids and GS I just want a healthier father back and sometimes it takes the harsh reality of what they have done and where they “really” are to feel they will get there.

[xyzcf]

I suppose I've just needed to pull inside and retreat for a while as life is feeling really overwhelming.  I've been feeling really anxious and like my life is out of control lately.

When I hear "overwhelmed" I think about my own times with feeling this way and how my therapist would use a diagram to help me understand that I was in the "freeze" part of fight/flight/freeze...seeing this visually helped me to find ways to bring my nervous system back to the "green zone"..on this chart, to the left in the blue zone you'll see the word "overwhelmed"...I was so much in "freeze" that initially I could not even see the word!

https://corkpsychotherapyandtraumacentre.ie/trauma/polyvagal-theory/

You recognize your feelings of bitterness and anger. These are normal and real feelings and we can do something about them..for they are also harmful and draining...but it's important that they are recognized. Accept them as "normal" for we have been badly hurt and we watch our children struggle and it's ok to feel what we feel.

Acknowledge them and then let them go so they do not take over your life.

I am a big fan of meditative types of practices that calm the nervous system. Yoga has always been a way to help me maintain my equilibrium and it is a time just for me. There is an online 30 day set of classes that are free...they are each about 22 to 24 minutes. Over time, a practice such as yoga can help the body "reset". It is a cumulative thing as your body learns how to shut down the fight/flight freeze response and go into a calmer and more relaxed state.

https://www.youtube.com/user/yogawithadriene

Walking everyday, especially outside is also helpful.

Journalling your thoughts which you are doing here is another tool to use to get thoughts and feelings out and explore what they are and how you can change them.

The holidays add more stress as we see "happy families" getting together, as well, you have worries about your mom's health and your not being able to be there with her.

We can only handle so much and then our bodies shut down...and we start to feel "overwhelmed". Understanding the physiology of this, helped me a great deal to break out of those states.