[Dragonfly33]

MoS sorry to hear you had to see that cOW. I cannot imagine how painful it is. Don't be too hard on yourself. I believe it is only normal to feel that way, to feel angry. I would feel the same way. Regarding being in Limbo, I guess it is also normal. Mind you I am four years on the road and yet I am still unsure about myself, still have uncertainties about what my purpose is. I also talked exactly about this to my therapist. It does takes a while until we get back on our feet. This is really a hard road and it's not just you who is going through this. If that helps. I cannot imagine how difficult your situation is having to take care of four kids alone and  having to work at the same time. I, myself, am having a hard time even though I am alone. I also feel like I'm not getting anywhere. I am still finding myself, my balance, and my new purpose in life. I guess this is part of the path we are forced to take. But this is not permanent. It will get better. Hang in there. Rant as much as you want here. Let it all out. You're doing great. Your xH is really a a-hole. sorry I have to say this. He tells you to get over it because he feels guilty. Seeing you feeling that way, confronts him with the horrible things he's done to you and your kids. Do not believe whatever he says, it is just to appease himself and to convince himself whatever he did was ok. Your feelings are real no matter what he says. These MLCers went to the same university of gaslighting and they seemed to have graduated with flying colors on gaslighting and projecting their guilt on their spouses. Hugs to you MoS.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

So sorry that your ex continues to manage to be a thorn in your side.

He then proceeded to tell me how I should just get over it as it's been a year and a half.  He condescendingly explained to me it's called shared parenting and I should share the responsibility of driving the kids.

Oh really, he still doesn't parent as he has OW take care of them for the weekend, while he does his thing. If I remember correctly, when the children are acting up, he calls you. That's not shared parenting, that's called shirking. I don't know the arrangement, but I don't think he has the children nearly as often as you do. Remember, in his world, he spends his time socializing with the children while you spend your time raising the children. He's the activities director as you get the role of task master. Sounds fair to you? That's shared parenting?

He also doesn't have any qualifications to tell you how you should feel. Remember, these words are coming from a person whose solution to an issue was to have an affair. I wonder if he tells people who have lost someone significant the same thing? "Hey Jim, it's been a year since you lost your mother. Get over it."

Once again, my advice is not to engage him in any conversations outside of logistics. When you told him that you would bring the bag back in the morning, that's it. No more discussion. If he wanted them that bad, he could come pick them up in your driveway. Those are the options. He is not your boss. You don't have to answer to him at all or explain, justify, or rationalize any decision you make as an adult.

She's pretty and skinny.

Don't compare yourself to her. It's not a competition. I don't know her circumstances but she got involved with a married man with a family. That doesn't bode well with me in the decision making capacity. How long do you think she is willing to play mom while he is gone? You think your own kids drive you crazy? How do you think they treat her? They will have their good moments and they will also have their terrible moments. After all, they are children. OW is a symptom, not a cure for your H. She is not part of the equation unless she does something to you or your children.

It feels hollow and pointless most days and I'm lost as to how I figure out a new passion for my life.  There are so many options, but nothing feels right to me.

This takes time and you are right that until you find your next passion or goal, things will feel hollow and pointless. I just ask you try some options.  Do something different. It is going to hurt and even years later, you are going to have some moments of pain. It is all part of the healing process. You want to focus on your kids as they will grow up fast and you want those positive memories. They will help ease the pain of your loss. Live for you and do something with a group of people just to get out and be part of something.

Have a great weekend and Happy Easter!

(((Ready)))

[JohnnyBravo]

Hi, MoS.

Can't offer anything more than Dragonfly and Ready have, but I still have those flapping around moments too. Fortunately work keeps me busy, and I have my hobby distractions, but still no big plan. I'm sure I'd feel the same way you do in the situation you're in.

Hugs.

[Reinventing]

Your feelings are real no matter what he says. These MLCers went to the same university of gaslighting and they seemed to have graduated with flying colors on gaslighting and projecting their guilt on their spouses.

I agree. Dragonfly, don't beat yourself up about anything that happened. You'll be able to dust yourself off and regain your footing faster and faster as time passes.

It helped me when others told me that I wouldn't always feel this way. And they were right.

[Treasur]

Imho you are entitled to feel what you feel - good, bad and in between.
Some of those feelings will be fleeting, some born of a specific event and some more sticky.
Again jmo but, with hindsight, the strong or sticky feelings are like recivery breadcrumbs through the forest....they are evidence of what you want and need or don’t.

So nothing wrong with how you feel.
Your ‘schoolgirl error’ (as we call a mistake here lol) was to share any of those feelings with him and expect that he would a) care or b) change his behaviour accordingly.

I told him I would just drop it off at his practice location and meet my son there in the morning

Everything after this ^^^^ was where you will do better in future. Bc we do.
We learn that we are dealing with people who, at best, are staggeringly self-centred. Or, at worst, might even get some kind of twisted kick out of seeing our distress bc it reinforces the story in their head that we are at fault and they are not responsible for the predictable fallout from their own choices.
On top of that tbh, we learn to ‘consider the source’ 
If a person who can seemingly comfortably upend their family’s life or treat the parent of their children with anything other than respect and courtesy has an opinion about what we should feel or what we should do, it’s not worth much imho. Their behaviour has already shown that we are not on the same page about these things....and tbh it’s a bit f**king presumptuous and entitled for anyone to think they should have the freedom to do what they want but the right to tell others how they should respond or feel about it

Part of the process of emotional detachment tbh is that one slowly starts to care less about their opinion about anything much. 
And you’ll get there, my friend, bc we do.
Feel what you feel. Say less to him about what you think or feel though. Walk away or shut down any conversation like this. He left....his opinion about you or your feelings is irrelevant now. Share your feelings and concerns in safe places with safe people who care about what you think. In time you will increasingly see him more and more like a man with a tinfoil hat ranting about aliens in cheese....the fact that he thinks it is so will not make it relevant to you or your kids 

[forthetrees]

Ah, your identity- you are a Mom of Steel who is currently surviving but in-training for thriving. Just because he ditched does not take away your Mom identity. The result of your "wife" identity being stripped away is the space to create and nurture the identity of you as just you- not a sister, daughter, mom. That is daunting and exhilarating at the same time. While in the floundering stage maybe consider browsing what Coursera has to offer or check out your local Meet-Up groups which are based on interests and are not dating forums. Give yourself to try something new and be a total newbie at it. Maybe be so bold as to signup for a workshop that takes place overnite on a time when he has the kids. That will help sprout new wings of confidence and confidence is what took a hit.

[OffRoad]

Guess what? You don't ever have to "get over it". Of course, dwelling on it is no good, but we learn from the past and if we don't remember the past, how will we learn? Lesson here is "I need to drop off the kids and dislike seeing OW. I don't owe anyone any explanation for why I do what I do. If I don't want to see OW and need to take care of something regarding the kids, I can come up with a solution and don't have to explain myself". 

You came up with the solution (yay you), but why you choose to do it that way is no one's business.

My niece is 38 years old. Her father was and is a jerk whose behavior caused her so many issues. Last time I saw him he got mad about something he thought my sister said and said "Isn't she over that already?" I said "She might be, but I'm not. You haven't learned anything and are just as big of a jerk now as you were then." He just looked at me. I don't dwell on what kind of jerk he is. I just don't forget he is one. That might be a helpful thought while you have to parent with a person who might be a jerk. Don't forget he is one.

Getting past all the garbage that comes with an MLC spouse is a marathon. They somehow HAVE to make you the bad guy, imo. Please don't buy the mind games he is selling. You don't EVER have to be more than surface polite if you are in the presence of OW and your kids together. You have every right to avoid that kind of situation if you want, too. You CAN get on board with "happy blended family" but you don't HAVE to. Do what works for you, and that can change over the years ahead.

[MomOfSteel]

Hi all, thank you for your thoughtful responses.  I am comforted in the fact I'm not the only one feeling in a weird limbo.  It's also a good reminder I don't owe him an explanation whether he expects one or not.  Really, I am just giving him the tools to hurt me further when I do and I think that is exactly what he is trying to do (or the OW, I'm not sure).  My therapist pointed out it's how I know its all about him.  He is the activity director and I'm the task master, that's spot on.  It's easy to be entertaining for two Saturdays a month.  It's a little harder to be fun when you are doing all the lifting yourself for everyone. 

I have another sporting event today with my kids and I don't know whether his cOW will be there with him.  I'm going to get myself dressed up, put on some bright red FU lipstick, sunglasses and pray I can make it through the game and ignore them as best as I can.  It seems to me like having her and insisting she comes is a power play on his part to try and get a reaction out of me.  Hopefully I can avoid that and take my power back. 

Over the last couple weeks I keep having this weird recurring dream about how I'm standing up with my shoulders back.  (Real exciting, I know).  It's a bit weird.  I noticed though looking in the mirror that my shoulders are no longer hunched forward on default like they have been for years.    I realize that my body is slowly recognizing it isn't under a constant threat from him and his abusive behaviors.  It was a bit strange to come to this realization and be able to notice that despite all he currently still does to try and maintain control, I am recovering and being victimized less and less. 

I'm a little frustrated with my therapist as I have been told we will start EMDR multiple times and never have.  I'm thinking maybe I keep my current therapist as my talk therapist and seek out a separate one for EMDR.  I feel like I am ready to hopefully become more functional still and am sick of waiting. 

[MomOfSteel]

I just don’t get it.  He tried to claim he can’t pay his half of the kids extracurricular activities be a se he can’t afford it.  They aren’t in very expensive things and each kid basically has one or two activities except the youngest who isn’t in anything yet.  This is a man who makes over seven figures.  He can’t pay a couple hundred a month???  I can’t decide if he’s trying to manipulate me or he really has got himself in that big of a hole spending.  I know he’s taken on housing, car loans and travels to play constantly but given the income, I still don’t understand how it can be too expensive. 

[zartheit]

I'm sorry. It must be incredibly frustrating to be stiff-armed over nothing, especially when it comes to your children.

My perspective is that people making less than that are able to cover these expenses for their children. People budget according to their priorities. If we take him at his word and he did get into a big hole due to his spending, that is a choice he made. This decision stems from an alignment of his own set of values, principles, and morals. At any point in time he is able to make another choice (e.g., sell a car, travel less, etc) and doesn't. It seems to me that is because he doesn't want to, at least, not enough to do something differently about it.

And that's heartbreaking.