[MadLuv]

The person I lost when for years I was stuck in a codependent trap pushing down my own instincts wants and needs.  I've realized there is power in this as well.  I took my own power back by accepting what reality is and choosing how to respond, not just reacting.  I don't have to treat their relationship as some big thing that makes me change my patterns and behaviors and ability to do and go where I please in my own community.  Last spring, they had the power, I allowed their presence to change me, to bug me to cause me to avoid them and interacting with people around them and they no longer hold that power over me

this is detachment! When you realize it is not about you. Also, being able to step back a realize that maybe being with your x did not in the end make you your best, because they were not at their best and relationships are 50/50 and when they become uneven the one fighting harder and putting more effort in is the one that pays emotionally and physically. Who OW has in not the better version. Somehow that alone helps to be accepting of where you are and realizing although you might still Miss what you had when x was who he was, that is not who he is now. That’s at least for me what has helped me and what resonated when I read your post. 

[MomOfSteel]

KD, Ever and ML, detachment really is a glorious thing.  In the early days I didn’t get it, it didn’t feel possible and I didn’t understand how to get to that point.  Time really is the answer as annoying as it is when you are really struggling.  The reality is that we start our healing and the MLCer is so far behind.  I will say as I came upon a painful anniversary of his leaving I found myself dysregulated for a couple weeks leading up to the dates.  It caught me off guard and took me a minute to recognize why I was out of sorts.  The body really does know.  Luckily things have calmed again. 

I have continued to have a good relationship with ex and OW. It’s weird but feels right in a way.  I’ve gotten some glimpses as to the MLCers progress through his tunnel and it’s sad.  He’s still rebelling and trying to figure out who he is.  At the core, MLCers don’t know who they are, it feels as if he’s just trying on different masks hoping something will fit.  It seems that ex is getting increasingly unstable.  I think he’s starting to realize everything in his life is going to $*!&.  OW actually called me and was trying to figure out what to do.  I don’t have answers of course because if I did this probably would have never happened.  I do worry that he’s going to wreck his career if he can’t pull it together.  I think his depression is getting worse and it seems like he’s getting more erratic trying to relieve it.  He needs medication but doesn’t want to be on meds.  Now I worry about my support if he’s struggling as much as she says.  It also appears they are on the brink of breaking up.  I used to think him getting to this point would be a good thing but seeing it, I just feel bad for him and strangely wish I could have helped the OW more.  I’m not sure what I’m looking for, I guess just getting my thoughts out to someone who understands and maybe has been here.  Who really knows, but I think he’s approaching a new bottom, whether it will be rock bottom I guess we will see. 

[UrsaMajor]

No matter how far or how fast they run, there they are..... Until they deal with their issues, it is "Wash, Rinse, Spin, Repeat."

As far as helping the OW, to be honest, not your circus, not your monkeys... She made her choices to engage with a married person....

[Treasur]

It’s ok, of course, for you to do what works for you
However, I did find myself wondering if you are inadvertently now part of a triangle in which two women are now worrying about your ex as opposed to just one. While he is worrying about who….? Or taking responsibility for what….?

Idk, smells to me like a good time to step further away and leave him and ow to sort themselves out perhaps? Seems a bit icky somehow to me for you to be involved particularly if they might be breaking up and odd for ow to think it’s appropriate to look for your support. Jmo.

OW actually called me and was trying to figure out what to do…..Now I worry about my support if he’s struggling as much as she says.

[KayDee]

Wow MoM, you've come such a long way. You certainly have earned your moniker.

I think this forum consists of a very special group of people. Many of us have been the 'steely' or strong ones in relationships. With spouses and friends, some may say the fixer types (cough). I know I am. Or was, because I am trying to change that a bit. I still want to be a good friend or partner, but I want to be more reflective about my motivations too. And also question my instinct about always being the strong one, when, of course, that can't always be true. This has at times hindered my healing in the context of MLC. It's taken me a long time to see that, at this very moment, I am not necessarily stronger than my H, but I am subconsciously still putting his needs and emotions first - when I need my strength for myself. You are further along the path than I, but I suspect you are still healing, your new skin still delicate. I think your generosity is a major kindness to you xH. He is lucky to have that. You have gone through so much and done so much work to be where you are, it's a precious thing to be protected I feel,

[MomOfSteel]

Ursa, Treasur, and KD it is something I want to navigate with thoughtfulness.  I don’t want to be drawn into the mess.  By my support, I meant my child and spousal support so him blowing up his career will have VERY real consequences for me so it’s hard to ignore the situation completely.  It’s a mess to be sure but I also don’t want to be in the triangle.  I think he needs some serious mental health help but knowing him, unlikely to agree to what he needs.  I also worry that he will become suicidal and take his own life.  Mostly I told her that he needs to figure it out and to encourage him to seek help.  There just isn’t much to be done on my end anyway except discussing it with my therapist and dealing with making a better backup plan should he blow things up.  If he does destroy his career I will be looking at moving as I can’t afford my house in an extremely high cost of living area.  I really don’t know where I would go at this point but I don’t think I could stay and thinking about more upheaval for my kids makes me physically ill.

[Treasur]

Ah, my apologies….i completely misunderstood what you meant by ‘support’. Sorry.

[KayDee]

Ah, my apologies….i completely misunderstood what you meant by ‘support’. Sorry.

Yes, sorry, me too.

The intention of my post was in support of putting your health first, and keeping an eye on the toll these interactions may have. But it seems you are in a hard place in terms of balance. I imagine you feel you need to be as proactive as you can handle to try to protect the financial support for you and the children. At the same time, you must be struggling with this because you have so little control and your xH seems not to be addressing his issues at all. But you did start your post by saying that you felt good in your detachment, so you have a great framework for this now it seems.

Wishing you strength MoM.

[xyzcf]

I will say as I came upon a painful anniversary of his leaving I found myself dysregulated for a couple weeks leading up to the dates.  It caught me off guard and took me a minute to recognize why I was out of sorts.  The body really does know.  Luckily things have calmed again.

This happens to me before the date of BD...even many years later. I'm ok after that time period ( I don't remember the actual date) and being aware of why I am feeling that way helps me to understand why. Being able to evaluate how my own healing has been, allows me to accept that there will be times where it still comes up in my brain and body.

A big fear if he were to loose his job and you lose your support.I often think that if there are assets, during the settlement agreement, getting as many of those assets is preferable to spousal and child support...because the MLCer often continues down this path of destruction...I hope yours does not lose his job.

I think he needs some serious mental health help but knowing him, unlikely to agree to what he needs.  I also worry that he will become suicidal and take his own life. 

MLC has been called the "mother of all depressions".  He is the father of your children, he is someone you spent many years with and you recognize that his mental health is not good....it matters to you, because you care about him..he is the father of your children, he is someone you loved for a long time and he is showing signs of disturbing and escalating mental health issues.....your healing can occur, and I think it is quite healthy when you can realize that he is not "well" and can feel empathy for him. It doesn't stop you from healing or detaching or building your own life....we are allowed to still care about them.

[MomOfSteel]

Treasur and KayDee, no need to apologize.  I just wanted to clarify.  I realized what I wrote was vague and could be taken as my support of him.  It is a tricky situation to be in and I'm trying to follow my own gut as to what I should do.  After two years of therapy, I really do know myself so much better and understand the dynamics that our relationship had that were less than stellar.  It would be easier to just let things go if it wouldn't affect me at all.  In the end, I will always care on some level for him, I realize that this is more of a general I hope he is okay and figures himself out.  I do feel like he needs to face the reality of the mess he's created and saving him from himself won't really do much good.  At this point, the best and likely most helpful thing to him would be encouraging he gets the professional help he needs and him finally owning up to his own BS.  I feel like without owning his own garbage, healing will be really difficult for him.  In some ways, the call did give me an opening to see where his mind has been.  After so many years, you recognize someone's body language when they aren't okay.  I've suspected it for a while but haven't had confirmation that things are not the fantasy Lala land they once were.  I guess it just goes to show that he is following the typical MLC pattern even though as the LBS sometimes it feels like your MLCer really is just riding away into the sunset and truly happier than they were with you.  He's still searching, still rebelling and still empty.