Years ago, my former h also married ow and I remember it being a very odd feeling to sit with indeed. A lot of different emotions even though by then I did not want the person he’d become back. A sort of ick feeling like a stranger had used my toothbrush through disbelief at how he could say again vows he had so spectacularly broken to not being very surprised at all bc evidence suggested it had always been ow’s game plan long before I even knew she existed.
And tbh a kind of mental door closing bc in my head his remarriage meant that he was not my husband in a way that divorce didn’t quite 100% do. It’s a thing, for sure, and you’ll probably find your emotions swill around for a bit in a way that sometimes others don’t get.
No kids though, so that part of the s$it sandwich wasn’t part of my experience. I’ve read others posts here feeling just like you do about being the sensible adult doing all the hard work though…but I’ve also read that most LBS come to realise with the time that the real joy and connection of parenting actually doesn’t come from the shiny vacations or days out, it comes from all the everyday day after day stuff, all those mini-moments. And that usually with time, kids get that too as their relationship with both parents evolves. And tbh MLC types are rarely good everyday parents; neither are ow types tbh. Bc if you can create this kind of rupture in small peoples’ lives, there’s an inherent self focus in that, isn’t there? A lot of Me Me.
Long time since I have had any contact with my xh so I have no idea how his ‘new improved’ marriage worked out. I remember thinking at the time that both of them were being quite foolish and that it wasn’t going to be my kind of marriage. Like yours, a lot of drama and deceit even just that I knew of and literally just a few weeks before their wedding my then h was bewailing his lot and calling her the C word bc he found out she’d lied to him. And yet, reader, they married each other lol. He married a woman he knew was a liar and she married a man she knew could throw a wife of twenty years under a bus. My wedding was a calm, happy, joyful thing, as I recall. No soap opera antics and nothing to sweep under the reception rug. Their version would not have suited me at all and I would not have married a man with that history.. but then I’m not an ow type who always seem to me to be some blend of stupid, self-centred and delusional.
Not a good foundation imho for a good marriage, but if you think about it, both have something to prove, don’t they? And maybe a wedding does that….look, a ‘happy ending’, party, lots of attention, all worth it, twu luv forever etc etc. as the saying goes, the goods are odd and the odds are not good - there’s a reason why something like 70% of second marriages don’t last. And a wedding is not a marriage, is it? Plus you already know that you can and did break those very vows that you are now repeating….i imagine with even a little bit of thought that would be an uncomfortable reality if one let on self look at it.
And yet….
You will also find with time that it just doesn’t matter so much to you. He was your h and you shared a life and family, and then he decided you didn’t. He chose to put it all on a new spin of the metaphorical roulette wheel and time will tell how that goes for him and ow, beyond your control and not your circus. How his choices unfold for him won’t matter so much bc it isn’t your life - although I think we all understandably enjoy a little bit of the karma bus when we see it! And the fact that he is someone ekses’s h, and you are not an ow type, will make it easier to comfortably set some good clear boundaries so you do not have to carry the care of a half-husband in name only lol. That can be a relief after the turmoil post BD.
All still not about you, of course.
He’s not remarrying bc you failed or he found better. He’s remarrying bc it’s the next throw of the dice in the story that might make him feel better. (Plot spoiler…it probably won’t bc we take ourselves with us, don’t we, and he will carry whatever failings and flaws he brought with him to your marriage. A wedding does not magically erase who we are, does it?) At this stage, the story probably hangs together only if both believe that YOU were the problem and they will now be magically better with each other……a mutual magic erasing wand if you like. And most sane sensible adults know that’s rarely how life works.
I remember thinking at the time that if I had wanted to remarry, I would have approached it with a great deal of caution and humility as a second marriage. And I wasn’t the one who cheated and lied and stole and behaved with so little respect in ending my first one lol. I also remember thinking that happy people at peace with themselves about to marry don’t behave like my then h did, or ow for that matter, bc there was still a lot of bile and anger and spite floating around. It was odd. In the run up to my wedding, I would have bought the whole world a metaphorical Coke if I could ha ha.
Of course some second marriages stay the course. And I imagine that some even turn out to be good and happy marriages. But they start with a big shadow, a history that never goes away, and I imagine that is not always comfortable.
The story of that New Us is not a very oretty one in reality, particularly with young kids involved.
But again, as I said, you will find either time - as long as your kids are not deeply distressed - that you just won’t care much bc it won’t matter in your life either way if he is married to OW, or gets divorced again, is happy or not happy or somewhere in between. It just won’t change anything now in your life much either way - the damage done has already been done regardless so what happens next for him doesn’t really matter as much as one might feel it does. It might matter for him, but not for you.
T: 18 M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg
Let’s get this show on the road
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