[One day at a time]

Journaling

It's been over 7 months since xH and I had the last mail exchange. Since he walked 5 and a half years ago, despite not having kids there were practicalities to discuss and things to finalize. The divorce was final last December and I pushed to get a couple of loose ends closed by early Feb this year... and since then there's been radio silence.. I expected this to happen but I was always curious to see if my suspicions were correct. I guess I have the answer now and I can't help shaking my head and STILL wonder WTF?

In ways, the silence and distance is good.. I find myself thinking of him less and less. Firmly moving on with my life and trying to leave this chapter of my life behind... But the other night I had one of those vivid dream in which xH was talking to me, crying and telling me that everything had been a huge mistake. That he now was married to someone else and had kids he didn't want (he doesn't have kids that I know of but maybe this is a prediction!) I can't remember exactly the words but he was sort of implying that he wanted me back...In my dream my answer was "But I moved on" I'm not going to lie, I woke up a bit rattled, everything in the dream felt very real. What I took away from it though is the fact that I was very firm on my answer.. I know it's just a dream but I want to think that somewhere in my subconscious this is how I really feel despite continuing to feel sadness for how my marriage ended.

That dream was on Thursday night.. Friday was my last day away on holidays and B and I flew home on Friday afternoon from Marrakech. A few hours later the earthquake happened and Saturday morning we woke up to a lot of messages from people asking if we were OK, if we were still in Morocco, etc etc... I obviously feel very lucky to escape such a horrific event and keep thinking about the places I visited, the people I met and wonder if they are OK. We visited the Atlas mountains and saw many little villages, talked to the locals etc and to now see images of the destruction is very upsetting... And at the back of my mind I have this little question.... how would xH feel if something would have happened to me? who he even care? I don't know if this question is there because the dream happened the night before... and it really makes no difference to my current life if he would or wouldn't... but still...

I'm actually glad I'm back to work today. The dream and the lucky scape has kicked off a lot of thinking and wondering in me that I don't really like..
Back to routine is good for me this time 

[KayDee]

I think dreams can be like tarot cards, or horoscopes, they are a form of indirect meaning-making for us. Our response to the signs and symbols (to borrow from Jung) can help us navigate through our complex tangle of emotions and narratives. I think there is something to the theory that our subconscious speaks to us through our dreams. Your post resonated with me, because last night I had a dream in which my H kept imploring 'why can't you see me?' - I woke up slightly unnerved and a bit perplexed, but I will give this some thought. You seem fairly clear about what yours means, and it makes sense to me that you can still have moved on but feel sad about the loss.

It's such an awful situation in Morocco and it is very sobering when we have a near miss, as you did with the earthquake. A complex mix of emotions arise. Hopefully we find gratitude in being safe and find a way to pass it forward. Glad you are safe.

[UrsaMajor]

Hi One Day,

Nice to hear form you ....

Yeah... Those dreams can knock us off-center for a bit but, like you said, they seem to be a way for our subconscious to make our conscious aware of things that we have not formally acknowledged before... Things left undone...

Ironically, I had an experience similar to your Escape from Morocco with MLCxW many yeas ago. We had been vacationing int he Maldives and got back to Germany about 36 hours before the Earthquake/Tsunami disaster hit the Indian Ocean. We were at xMIL's just before Christmas when it is and both our cell phones started blowing up asking if we were OK and if we were still there....

[Nas]

Wow, glad to hear you just missed the earthquake. Those kind of things will certainly make you think about a lot.

... And at the back of my mind I have this little question.... how would xH feel if something would have happened to me? who he even care? I don't know if this question is there because the dream happened the night before... and it really makes no difference to my current life if he would or wouldn't... but still...

This resonated with me. I don’t ask it anymore but when I spent several years with statistics saying I’d be dead soon, I was often consumed with the question of how he could not care enough to even send a text. Even today, if something tragic happened to my former H, I would have some kind of reaction, complicated as it would be.

For me, after a long time of digging, I know the question “why doesn’t he care?” was actually a deeper question about being cared for/about my whole life. As I dealt with that, the question of him caring was integrated into bigger questions and realizations about life choices and why I made them. The answer eventually became irrelevant, and that was freeing. As you say, it makes no difference to your life, but it’s understandable that the question still pops up when something big happens. It’ll pop up less and less with time until it becomes your new normal and you don’t even realize you’re not asking it anymore.

[One day at a time]

Thanks KayDee, UM and Nas for your answers.. I'm back to dreams of xH and that prompted me to journal a bit.. The gift that keeps on giving 

Journaling

Nothing has really happened since the last post. As a matter of fact, beginning of February marked the first full year of complete radio silence. It was to be expected as we no longer have any ties or reasons to communicate. I remember one of my first threads was called 'Will he be a vanisher?' Even early on I predicted that once the practical stuff was sorted, I would never hear from him again and it's certainly looking that way. Regardless of the fact that I'm no longer looking for reconciliation, I still find it somewhat puzzling that one person can spend 15 years with another and get to a point where they don't care at all about how that person is doing.. I don't have any relationship with xH's family, we don't have common friends and he lives in a different country so I expect he knows nothing about my life. Maybe, like UM says, he expects me to be waiting for him exactly where he left me and therefore he doesn't think there's anything to know... Maybe he's so happy in his new life that he doesn't care... But if I listen to my gut feeling, it tells me that he's so ashamed of what he's done that he has simply repressed all the memories of his past life and he simply keeps on keeping on with his new life because that's the hole he dug for himself. I don't know if I'm right or wrong of course, maybe it's just me projecting something I would expect from the H I knew...

I guess all of this is back in my head because I had a dream a couple of nights ago that left me rattled (again). Work has been extremely stressful over the past few weeks and I feel it's starting to affect my sleep and overall well-being (thankfully I have a long holiday coming up soon!!) In my dream, I was in the middle of my working day, stressed out and xh was struggling to understand what was going on. And then (in my dream) I started to explain to "someone" that xH was not used to seeing me stressed at work because he left when I was in a different job and didn't go through the transition to the new job with me  I mean, WTF? It was like, all of the sudden, we were magically back together and he was trying to figure out who the "new me" was. I woke up confused if nothing else... Why do I still have those dreams!!

About 10 days ago I heard that o'wife now has a visa to come and live in this country.. Maybe the possibility of them moving over here is playing around in my subconscious and that's the reason for my dream. I didn't really care much when I heard the news as I don't expect to see them even if they are back but obviously, the possibility of bumping into them somewhere becomes bigger when we are in the same country.. Part of me fears how I would react if I even see them as despite being at this for so many years, I have not experienced what many LBS have, seeing their x spouse with the OP. I want to believe I'll be fine but then again, how can I be sure?

The other part of me is getting popcorn ready as I'm not sure life for them will work out here. And if I'm totally honest, I obviously want it to fail. Again, not because I want him back but it would be a sort of vindication....  This is probably more about issues I still need to work through more than anything else.. But that's how I feel right now. 

[KayDee]

The other part of me is getting popcorn ready as I'm not sure life for them will work out here. And if I'm totally honest, I obviously want it to fail. Again, not because I want him back but it would be a sort of vindication....  This is probably more about issues I still need to work through more than anything else.. But that's how I feel right now. 

Well, there must be a kind of grim pleasure in knowing she will have to endure the in-laws, right

[UrsaMajor]

Well, there must be a kind of grim pleasure in knowing she will have to endure the in-laws, right

[FaithWalker]

Hey One Day!  I had a dream about my MLCer last night.  We were back at the old house around the time of BD when he was being a big meanie head.  It kind of left me shaking my head this morning wondering why I still sometimes dream about that time.  Residual echoes I guess.

[One day at a time]

Thanks KayDee, UM and FaithWalker.. Karma is about to hit O'Wife I guess..

So.. xH and O'Wife packed their bags in the Middle East (after 5 years) and moved to xH's town. More specifically, to xH's parents home. The day that I've been dreading has come and, quite honestly, I feel absolutely nothing. I'm not sure if this is down to the overall feeling of numbness that has been with me for a long time (not specifically related to xH's, more of a generic numbness) or because despite still having some of the trauma effects of what he put me through, I don't actually care anymore about them being together.

It will be interest to see how things unfold for them now.. Nobody I know who knows him give 2 cents for that marriage to last but then again, they are probably saying what they think they should considering how my marriage ended...

No much more to report other than this. Life is good, I'm travelling quite a bit which is something I always loved but was hard to do with xH (he didn't like travelling) Still planning my future with my new partner. Life is not always rosey as we both have been hurt in the past and can trigger each other but I think we are really turning a corner, and understanding each other more.

I hope everyone is doing well considering the circumstances... And for any newbies reading this, the pain will lessen, life will go on, you will be fine, no matter what our MLC spouse does... even if it's hard to see that right now.

[KayDee]

Oh my, that must be a smorgasboard of feelings for you One Day. All of them sound a bit like bland cheese though  It's only human to want that relationship to sink, but, then, if he can running back, cap in hand, would you want him now? Seems not.  I guess the endurance of the relationship seems to somehow cast doubt on MLC etc, but the cold hard facts of his behaviour remain unchanged. And from what you've said, that relationship has some suspect codependency. They are both using each other to some extent and I guess, that can be strong motivational force. If mutual friends thought it was a good match, they'd probably just do a diplomatic response, rather than an outright dismissal. It must be hard not to want to know how the return of the prodigal son goes, but maybe best not to look (not even through splayed hands).

I'm so happy you are moving forward in your new R with a healthy perspective. It is a ray of sunshine to us folk, new in the bear pit they call MLC. Thank you for posting.