[KayDee]

Dear S66, when you drift off to sleep tonight, remind yourself that you are the kind, stable, thoughtful, considerate person in this dynamic. You are the one that is holding all the cards. I don't mean to be unkind to your H, but currently he is alcohol dependent, disorganised and inconsiderate. When Madluv writes he cannot give hope, she is right, because he has no hope for himself. Sorry, I sound blunt - I actually have a lot of compassion for the mental turmoils of depression and MLC, but until he deals with himself, he has nothing to offer you. I hope one day he will. I hope he makes you something big and beautiful.

[Reinventing]

I actually have a lot of compassion for the mental turmoils of depression and MLC,

Agreed, we have compassion--but not to the point where we sacrifice our own mental stability and ability to lead our lives.

We're not advocating martyrdom to something we didn't cause and we can't fix.

[UrsaMajor]

I actually have a lot of compassion for the mental turmoils of depression and MLC,

Agreed, we have compassion--but not to the point where we sacrifice our own mental stability and ability to lead our lives.

We're not advocating martyrdom to something we didn't cause and we can't fix.

Exactly! "Forgiving someone does not mean that you allow them to do it to you again."

Absolutely correct and he had been not choosing since the first moment when he uttered 'he's not sure' and he has maintained that in 6 years. And as I am working on myself, I decided that I want someone to choose me.

[MadLuv]

I actually have a lot of compassion for the mental turmoils of depression and MLC,

Agreed, we have compassion--but not to the point where we sacrifice our own mental stability and ability to lead our lives.

We're not advocating martyrdom to something we didn't cause and we can't fix

  YES!! The last convo I had with MLCer I did tell him I forgave him for the past, but what I could no longer forgive was he wasn’t doing anything about it now. As long as he is where he is. Well, no friendship to be had. We try with agape love until we are drained and realize that we have to start loving ourselves and living for ourselves. Letting go of someone we love while they destroy their lives is the hardest thing to do for the compassionate LBS. The best I could do was say…If you decide to help yourself then I will be there for you then.

[Schratz66]

I don't mean to be unkind to your H, but currently he is alcohol dependent, disorganised and inconsiderate. When Madluv writes he cannot give hope, she is right, because he has no hope for himself.

Talk about a spot on assessment.....Thank you KayDee....he sure does not have any hope for himself and that is s sad but it is what it is. He is turning into his father which he always was so harsh on. I know I am not responsible nor can I help him, but it just makes me sad that he gave up on himself.

Still have not heard a single peep from him and that is the longest of no contact he has been in 6 years.

The other night I had an odd dream about him ....he was working fast food somewhere and had long bleached hair in a ponytail and he was very much wanting to reconnect in my dream......I know sometimes dreams are just wishful thinking but I also think sometimes dreams are telling us something that is happening......I try not to think much about him and purposely change my thoughts when he creeps in because there is nothing I can do and ruminating is just wasting time and effort without results.

Just ordered me "The body keeps score" book and am excited to hopefully find some further healing and insight about dealing with past traumas to move forward. If nothing else I am thankful for this MLC because I would never have looked at my issues and tried to heal.

It seems crazy that it is almost the end of summer and the next two weekends we have two final summer trips planned....one is just a fun biking event and the other one a girl trip on bikes with overnight trail camping...we shall see how that goes, lol...

Just got back from my D and we got some wedding planning done - and it was an odd moment that I am sure happens in all mother daughter relationships.....the moment when you realize they are no longer your little child but grown adults with their own lives and their own families.....I wish my mom and grandmother were still around to share those feelings with as I am sure they went through the exact same ones.  Realizing the cycle of life and how your own life is heading towards the last decade or so and theirs is just beginning to blossom.

End of summer also means my birthday coming up and he always remembered and I am trying to prepare myself for him to not reach out or to not respond if he does simply say Happy Birthday and nothing else, but I guess I will cross that bridge when I get there.

To avoid too many monkeys in my brain for my birthday I am planning a fun filled day and dinner with friends.

Thank you again all for your support and I shall keep putting one foot in front of the other to eventually get out of the swamp

[Reinventing]

To avoid too many monkeys in my brain for my birthday I am planning a fun filled day and dinner with friends.

Good idea that you're being proactive to make it the best for you.

[xyzcf]

Still have not heard a single peep from him and that is the longest of no contact he has been in 6 years.

Reading your update, you are doing so very well building your life  . I was reminded of Ursa's famous line, trying to understand MLC is like trying to taste the color green. I still shake my head because Mr. xyzcf's actions are anything but how a normal person would respond. Although we have contact, it's all superficial fluff. I still find it very bizarre but give up expecting anything more from him.

The other night I had an odd dream about him ....he was working fast food somewhere and had long bleached hair in a ponytail and he was very much wanting to reconnect in my dream......I know sometimes dreams are just wishful thinking but I also think sometimes dreams are telling us something that is happening......I try not to think much about him and purposely change my thoughts when he creeps in because there is nothing I can do and ruminating is just wasting time and effort without results.

We cannot unfortunately control our dreams. Our unconscious attempts perhaps to try and make sense. Our relationship with our husband is unlike any other. There are layers upon layers of memories, feelings, deep connections that were a part of us for many many years. Can't control the dreams, in my own life, there is something that reminds me of him every day. I think this will always be the case. However, that doesn't stop me from experiencing life with all it's good and bad..but I do still miss him and the life we had and could have had together.

End of summer also means my birthday coming up and he always remembered and I am trying to prepare myself for him to not reach out or to not respond if he does simply say Happy Birthday and nothing else, but I guess I will cross that bridge when I get there.

I found that I could "expect" certain behaviour from him based upon previous actions, but it really is rather erratic. There continues this contact on a regular basis and then times when he withdraws. It still sometimes affects me. That's ok. I am human, my emotions, my feelings, my needs are very intense....from the glimpses I get of him, there is a lack of emotions, feelings. Hard to put my finger on.

he sure does not have any hope for himself and that is s sad but it is what it is. He is turning into his father which he always was so harsh on. I know I am not responsible nor can I help him, but it just makes me sad that he gave up on himself.

I am not really sure that we can make any kind of observation about their present state of life. I have not been a part of my husband's life for 14 years, I don't know his friends or much about what he spends his time doing so it's not possible for me to make any assumptions about him or his life. He seems fine...and a very different person than the man I knew. That's about all I can surmise about his present state.

Enjoy your fun weekend plans and have a great birthday. My daughter's wedding was almost 10 years ago and we celebrated with them recently for their upcoming 10th anniversary. It is wonderful for me to have a "son" as well as my daughter. I am grateful for them.

[Schratz66]

Simply journaling to get this off my mind.....working with my therapist about all these abandonment issues and not being 'enough'.....honestly the best thing to come out of this crisis has been that I was finally 'forced' to go to therapy and address these issues that I have kept under the rug for way too long.
These are tough things to discover and even tougher to try to heal and make changes in how I feel about myself.

With my birthday just days away I was trying to figure out why my birthday always has caused me so much sadness and panic. I always envy people that find their birthdays joyful days to celebrate and be the star simply for existing. The conclusion I arrived at is that to me any birthday brings up overwhelming feelings of shame and guilt. Shame and guilt for not being better, for not measuring up, for not producing.....and I realize that is what I think other people will think....for not having been successful in my family's eyes. Not having went to university, not having a fancy house to show, not vacationing in fancy places, not having a herd of successful children....

What do I think success is? I feel success is breaking negative generational cycles - success to me is loving and supporting other humans and animals - success is kindness and gentleness in this harsh world we live in.  So, the question is...why do I put more emphasis on other peoples ideas of success than my own......

Do I think MLC is successful ? He has a university degree, he has a career, he has the looks and the fancy vehicle.....I absolutely do not think he is successful because he despises himself and is so lost that he drowns himself in alcohol.

The real work lies in learning to not measure myself in what other people's expectations are. Still along way to go, but I am determined to get there.

[Treasur]

Well, some of this works sounds like it might be a really nice birthday gift to yourself 

I’m sure that others here will have been nodding along with much of what you wrote. That feeling of somehow having to ‘earn’ love. And sometimes the realisation that it was never possible to actually earn it no matter what you do.

Of course neither are about you at all. They are about how other people do (or don’t do) love, nothing at all about your inherent lovability. (Is that even a word?) When/if you doubt that, think of all the things and people and animals that you have felt deep love for…..they didn’t have to earn it, you just gave it bc you felt a sense of appreciation for what/who they are, for their existence. It’s a being not a doing thing, isn’t it?

My birthday next month as well so I am sending you anticipatory fellow birthday babe wishes from here xxxx

[JohnnyBravo]

I always envy people that find their birthdays joyful days to celebrate and be the star simply for existing.

This is an interesting take I had never considered. It reminds me of the reason my mother gave for not going to New Year's Eve parties. I can't remember exactly how she put it, but it was something to the effect of a) people are just trying to forget whatever they did wrong last year and b) you can resolve to improve yourself any day you want, not just on New Year's. 

I did briefly google the history of birthday celebrations, and it seems to be a combination of some old and some relatively recent (100-200 years) ideas. I guess with there being other (i.e. national or religious) holidays, it's nice to have a specific day to appreciate a person, since we don't always remember to do that on a regular basis. But for ourselves, I imagine other milestones take on more importance as other life events occur, and we realize that we are changing continuously, not in one-year increments. Things like, "Hey, I made it two years from BD," or someone in recovery might think, "Hey, I haven't had a drink in two years." Those are bigger growth markers than simply existing for two more years.

It's also interesting when other people get surprised that you're not making a big deal out of it. "How come you're not doing anything for your birthday?" Because it's my "special day," I can do what I want, and sometimes doing nothing is the best thing you can do.

Sounds like you're on the path, Schratz. Early birthday wishes from me as well.