[Schratz66]

Previous Thread
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11884.150

Crazy how it is time for a new thread.....it has been a while so I hope I still remembered how to do it...lol...

Quick Recap......BD 2017 and he always contacted every 6 weeks.....longer conversations over the last 12 months as his mother passed....but still unsure

So......Jan 16th was supposed to be our date that he asked for back in July and confirmed in October.....I did not remind him as I leave it up to him to reach out to me.....I had been looking forward to this for a long time and of course I knew that I shouldn't have because we all know what happens when we have expectations. Not a word from him and so the day came an went and of course I was sad, but as much as I wanted to numb the pain with food, I did not. I felt all the emotions of disappointment and hurt and hopelessness and cried and then went to the gym to take my mind off.  Later that evening I emailed him shortly just saying that he could have just told me he changed his mind rather than standing me up.  He always replies within minutes so when he did not of course my monkeys started spinning of him having been in an accident or gotten arrested...crazy stuff.......at 3 am the reply came......he had totally forgot about the date with legal property issues and he did not mean to stand me up.

Well, at least he is not dead or arrested.....so there is that and I did not reply.

I realize that the emotional upheaval for this is entirely my fault as I had expectations and as much as I try to not have any....some times I cannot help it.

Hope is such a two sided sword...it is what keeps us alive and it is also what will slowly kill us....which goes back to what I need to learn TRUST in whatever may be or not be.

My new mantra each morning now....I am enough - I am worthy - Focus on Being and Receiving




 

[UrsaMajor]

Previous Thread
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11884.150

Crazy how it is time for a new thread.....it has been a while so I hope I still remembered how to do it...lol...

You did remember....

Quick Recap......BD 2017 and he always contacted every 6 weeks.....longer conversations over the last 12 months as his mother passed....but still unsure

So......Jan 16th was supposed to be our date that he asked for back in July and confirmed in October.....I did not remind him as I leave it up to him to reach out to me.....I had been looking forward to this for a long time and of course I knew that I shouldn't have because we all know what happens when we have expectations. Not a word from him and so the day came an went and of course I was sad, but as much as I wanted to numb the pain with food, I did not. I felt all the emotions of disappointment and hurt and hopelessness and cried and then went to the gym to take my mind off. 

I'd say the gym vs food was a good decision....

Later that evening I emailed him shortly just saying that he could have just told me he changed his mind rather than standing me up. 

Why? What did you hope to get out of the e-mail? Peace of mind? Validation? Something to consider....

He always replies within minutes so when he did not of course my monkeys started spinning of him having been in an accident or gotten arrested...crazy stuff.......at 3 am the reply came......

But, you've been fired from the position of needing to be concerned about what is going on in his life.... so, again, the question comes up "What is in it for you to worry about him?"

he had totally forgot about the date with legal property issues and he did not mean to stand me up.

I realize that the emotional upheaval for this is entirely my fault as I had expectations and as much as I try to not have any....some times I cannot help it.

Rule #1 in customer relations (and other relations/relationships) is managing expectations.... Maybe it is time to consider that, when you have expectations that he will actually DO something, you know in advance that there is a 99.99999% chance that you are setting yourself up for disappointment because he is simply NOT capable of living up to your expectations anymore...

Hope is such a two sided sword...it is what keeps us alive and it is also what will slowly kill us....which goes back to what I need to learn TRUST in whatever may be or not be.

Hope and expectations are very different - Hope is the desire for an outcome with the full knowledge (AND ACCEPTANCE) that the desired result may  not be achieved and  being OK with whatever the result is, regardless. Expectation is wanting a desired outcome and being impacted emotionally negatively when it doesn't happen....

My new mantra each morning now....I am enough - I am worthy - Focus on Being and Receiving

And to stop sticking the proverbial Barbecue Fork up your nose!

UM

[Schratz66]

Oh how I missed you Ursa with the monkeys in my head and the blahblahblah dog and the hard hitting truths....

Why? What did you hope to get out of the e-mail? Peace of mind? Validation? Something to consider....

That one hurt....but I did sit with it and asked myself what my intention was. My intentions were I guess to hear him say that he forgot and still wanted that date. Which I guess would be sort of validation.....

And he did send another email yesterday apologizing again and asking if I wanted to meet for dinner. I said yes and send him my available days and zero response.....what the heck......why ask and then zone out.............dangit....I will NEVER NEVER NEVER understand it and I know...just stop trying, but when can we treat them like normal people again......arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

So frustrated, so hopeful and hopeless at the same time and time in life is running out with each year ....

[xyzcf]

what the heck......why ask and then zone out.............dangit....I will NEVER NEVER NEVER understand

I have this happen all the time and then my monkey brain starts going to all kinds of scenarios and then he responds. He doesn't have any idea that not responding back in the time frame we would like to see matters to me...I recently was talking about this to Trusting for she experiences the same thing.

As Ursa has so wonderfully said, trying to understand is like trying to taste the color green.

It's learning Schratz...just learning to accept him for whatever he is and finding peace that it doesn't affect your day to day life really. I know you were looking at that Jan 16 date but if you think about it, it is rather bizarre that he would have picked a date so many months away...and then of course "forgot" it......


As DontGiveUp taught me so well years ago...just shrug your shoulders and say "oh well".

I get upset because it feels like he doesn't treat me like he would his friends...but then I have no idea how he treats them either......I don't know how to explain why they act so strange but they do and it does affect us even when we try hard to put them on a shelf and not be disturbed by their behavior.

I guess that is the problem with having some contact...because we can't really figure out why they do things.

You have a good understanding of all this, and eventually the understanding will become a way to just accept him for who he is...the alternative is not to have any contact I guess.

[Treasur]

Without getting into the whys and wherefires of this....vvv

And he did send another email yesterday apologizing again and asking if I wanted to meet for dinner. I said yes and send him my available days and zero response.....what the heck......why ask and then zone out.............dangit....I will NEVER NEVER NEVER understand it and I know...just stop trying, but when can we treat them like normal people again......arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I would suggest it is a pattern. Just like Lucy removing the ball when Charlie goes to kick it 
And, as xyzcf says, you have a few choices. Accept the pattern of words and no action so change your expectations; say yes if you want to but expect nothing other than being pleasantly surprised if he follows through. Do nothing and if he initiates contact again, be a bit matter of fact blunt that you’re not sure you can be bothered to agree to anything until/unless he can show you that he will actually follow through. Or decide to stop playing, pick up your ball, ignore him and go play with other people.

Your frustration - understandable as it is - is bc you are expecting x and getting y. You can’t control y so the only thing in your control imho is to stop expecting x. 

[beyondblessed]

S66, I would encourage you to stop asking yourself why he continues to do what he does, and instead turn your focus to you and why you keep choosing to repeat the same patterns over and over again.  The best way to break a pattern is to choose to change the the mechanics of it.  Hopefully your therapist can help you do that. 

[UrsaMajor]

I would suggest it is a pattern. Just like Lucy removing the ball when Charlie goes to kick it 

And, as xyzcf says, you have a few choices. Accept the pattern of words and no action so change your expectations; say yes if you want to but expect nothing other than being pleasantly surprised if he follows through. Do nothing and if he initiates contact again, be a bit matter of fact blunt that you’re not sure you can be bothered to agree to anything until/unless he can show you that he will actually follow through. Or decide to stop playing, pick up your ball, ignore him and go play with other people.

Your frustration - understandable as it is - is bc you are expecting x and getting y. You can’t control y so the only thing in your control imho is to stop expecting x. 

WORD!

S66, I would encourage you to stop asking yourself why he continues to do what he does, and instead turn your focus to you and why you keep choosing to repeat the same patterns over and over again.  The best way to break a pattern is to choose to change the the mechanics of it.  Hopefully your therapist can help you do that. 

Couldn't have said it better myself....

"Doctor, it REALLY hurts when I stick this barbecue fork up my nose."
"Then STOP STICKING THE BARBECUE FORK UP YOUR NOSE!"

[Schratz66]

Firstly - thank you all for hanging in there with me as I hang by a thin thread.

How I have managed to survive 5 1/2 years is only by the Grace of God and this forum with its kind and wise people.
The last 12 months where he went from cool to regret to apologizing to expressing he still loves me and then going cool again has been so hard. Sure, this is what I wanted but I am not sure I can see it through. I am truly at my final breaking point but feel trapped because I do still love him.

turn your focus to you and why you keep choosing to repeat the same patterns over and over again.

I do understand why I keep repeating this pattern (and I hate that I repeat them but have not been able to stop) .....he reminds me a little of my father and I think deep down I felt that if he returns and loves me then my father was wrong all those years ago that I was unlovable. The other part is that with him was the only time in my life ever that I was truly happy, that I ever felt loved and felt joy.  And while I am not a therapist I think I am afraid that without him I will never be any of that ever again, even though logically I know that one has nothing to do with the other.  And my brain realizes that I should be happy and joyful regardless of who I am with or not, and that self love is the answer.....which is what my therapist is focusing on right now but it will take a while to get there.

Accept the pattern of words and no action so change your expectations; say yes if you want to but expect nothing other than being pleasantly surprised if he follows through. Do nothing and if he initiates contact again, be a bit matter of fact blunt that you’re not sure you can be bothered to agree to anything until/unless he can show you that he will actually follow through. Or decide to stop playing, pick up your ball, ignore him and go play with other people.

The first few years I despised the word 'time' .....and while true - time was the only thing to make this journey easier or more manageable at least...I hated seeing it.......now the word that I cannot wrap myself around is 'expectations'......and yes, I know I must stop having them...and Ursa did explain that hope and expectations are different....in my muddled head though ....if I let go of expectations I let go of hope and if I let go of hope what is left to get up out of bed for ?

I have always been goal oriented and I am sure it stems back to that the only time I was loved as a child was when you achieved goals. It makes me a great employee because you tell me what the goal is and I will work relentless until I get there. With life there is not necessarily a goal - because in the end we will all die, but life is more about being able to be in the moment and finding peace and happiness within. So then you think well, what brings me peace and happiness and whoops there is that goal of grabbing on what made you happy and whoops there are those silly expectations again.

For my own sanity I should stop playing ball and just take my ball and play elsewhere, but giving up seems wrong even if it is to save myself. 

At this point friends and my D ask how many more years am I going to waste and how many more years will I cry over this man and if do not let go I will end up like my mother wasting the rest of my life.

Sorry for my rambling on and being such a mess currently....I know only I can change the pain by learning to not have expectations at all. Sounds like a great exploration topic for therapy next week.

[Treasur]

Please, please don’t apologise to us for any of your thinking out loud here. It’s not necessary and we get it bc we have or are in similar shoes.

It sounds as if you are starting to see some links and connections from your past that may have not been quite so useful to you in dealing with this situation. Which tbh is normal often too, isn’t it? And perhaps a different version of hope that lies more in your hands, something to sow seeds for even? I found your thoughts about valuing (or being valued) for goals over being very interesting and I bet you’re not alone in wrestling with that....listening to some of my older friends, it seems to be part of the process of evolving into older versions of ourselves even without a big MLC splat 

Hugs from here, my friend. I think you're on a fruitful path....just keep going, baby steps and with curiosity xxx

[xyzcf]

Although we can tell ourselves to walk away, to stop responding to them, to stop having expectations each of us are different. For many many reasons, we all do not easily stop our love or desire to be with them……
It is important to acknowledge our feelings and also the reality of now. For those of us who truly had happy and fulfilling marriages, we may not be “ happier” now, no matter how much we GAL and indeed even if we are involved in another relationship.
Don’t beat yourself over your feelings. They do not necessarily hold us back from living well. They are a part of who we are. The many years spent together and love…which in itself very complicated and not easily dismissible.
For those of us whose spouses continue to contact us, and if we decide that this is what we want, then there will be some hurt involved because the rejection we feel is there.
For those of us who see MLC as something that is beyond their control….then there tends to be a different way that we look at the MLCer….as you know there are very different opinions on HS and you are wise to take what applies to you and disregard the rest.
If he contacts you again ( and he probably will) think about how you might be able to change your internal response if you choose you still wish to have that contact.
The technique that helped me was to freeze frame the situation, make the “picture” smaller, turn down the volume, dim the color….I faced my reality of what contact did to my peace of mind and I wanted to be calmer and more peaceful. So with time and practice, I have been able to continue to have a relationship with him without it causing me harm. That is what I wanted.
You get to decide. Just don’t heap more “ blame” on yourself for feeling the way that you do. It is very probable that his love and how you felt unloved by your father is something that has deep roots inside of you. We are a product of our families, our environment, our genetic makeup…it’s very complicated just as love is.