[KayDee]

I suspect I am saying in a different way what the others are saying - if you don't have enough for yourself, you don't have much to give. Your H doesn't have what you need right now. He doesn't have what is needed to be in a mutually supportive and loving relationship. I've mentioned before on the forum that I have a very close friend with clinical depression. She lets me down constantly. One of the last times she stood me up, she wrote me a message that said 'I'm so sorry to disappear and not be in contact. I am sorry to miss our Facetime. My depression means I neglect friendships and let people down'. Now, I know this a friend, that a friend is different to a spouse, and all our situations are unique, but it gives me some insight into how people's internal struggles manifest outwardly and often inexplicably to those closest to them. My F and I, we've known each other for over 20 years and love each other very much. Actually, I am realizing, as I type this, that she often disappears right after we have had a wonderful time together. She withdraws. With my F, I no longer try to figure it out, I just know it is her internal struggle and I try to keep our connection as best I can. I'm not as wise, yet, when it comes to my H, but I am getting there

Perhaps now is the time for a Schratz Sabbatical. An island of no contact calm to enable you a bit of perspective. Maybe, if it sits better with you, you tell your H that you are taking  X weeks out to reflect and heal. Reclaim some space in your head. I know others may disagree about telling him about the NC, but it's not asking permission, it's just communicating your needs. This way there are clear boundaries and you don't have the burden of uncertainty during this time. IMO he will keep washing up on your shores, but you want a seaworthy vessel, not driftwood. Right? 

[Schratz66]

Thank you Ursa for the adorable image of my being a wet hen...lol...that made me laugh.....
Thank you KayDee and of course thank you Treasur.

[MadLuv]

If I give up hope, it feels like I give up on myself and on life. None of this is rational or makes any sense. I am a strong, capable, independent woman except when it comes to this man. One man, a single man, a man that has left 6 years ago and yet he still gets to hold such power over every single day of my life

I have known this feeling!!!! That feeling of not wanting to let go of the life you planned, but what helped me most was to realize that life was never guaranteed.  I try and live now the life that is in front of me. Don't look back and don't look forward. For now just live for the day. As you begin to live each day without worrying about the future and without fretting the past somehow the future doesn't seem so daunting.

Also, somehow moving forward allowed me to let go of so much pressure. Pressure to fix him, pressure to fix me, pressure to make things better for our kids, pressure to hold on to OUR life. I agree with the others on dropping the rope.  Do whatever you can to stay busy. Work on projects. Make a list of things you have always wanted to do. Big or small and start doing what you can afford and have time to do first. Accomplishments alone have boosted my self esteem and made me feel I was still building a life. My life. They are not in their right minds. It pushes the sane to insanity if you dont step away. You cant help him and you cant change him. If he changes you will know it.  So let him figure himself out. He has a lot of work to do. It’s up to him to do it and  that’s  not guaranteed. So move forward. Let him wonder what  S66 is up to??  Time to change things up !!

[Schratz66]

Thank you Mad….still trying to get back up after this. Did a little bit better today except whenever I think of him I go I to full panic mode as I just cannot imagine never seeing or hearing him ever again.
But I can’t let myself think that there’s still hope because that hope is what is breaking me.

[Dragonfly33]

Hello Schratz
I know that fear of never seeing or never hearing from our spouse again. What I feared the most in the past was losing him not just physically but also to another woman. So, I entertained him even though he really didn’t care about me. I was contented with the bits of breadcrumbs he dropped for me. Better than nothing, right. But deep inside I was miserable, I was very hurt, felt rejected. I asked myself, shouldn’t I be happy now that finally my ex wanted to live with me? My emotions went crazy, wild!

Until one day, I had to decide to kick him out and not contact him anymore. The NC in the beginning was like dying in slow motion. I thought of myself as a drug addict going through withdrawal. It helped that my ex didn’t contact me anymore. Months passed and it got better. I still miss my ex even after the D, and I feel sad, but I am proud I managed to put myself first this time.  I hope you can do that to yourself too. Perhaps NC would help you. What I realized was the moment my x announced to me that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore, that was the moment I lost him. Those days when he was being a boomerang, I think he was just using me to soothe him because at that time there was no other woman that would be willing to ride in his crazy rollercoaster ride except me. The moment he found a much younger gf, he vanished from my life. Sad buy maybe it’s good for me.

[Reinventing]

The NC in the beginning was like dying in slow motion. I thought of myself as a drug addict going through withdrawal.

Yes! This is exactly what I recognized in myself. And so I took steps to "detox", so to speak, so that I could heal and become a stable, happy, person who could then choose my path forward. At first, my contact only for business/financial things was for the sole reason of letting him have the freedom he apparently wanted and so that OW had to be solely the one to support him (and fail). That was a great motive in the beginning. Then as I healed and also read more about affairs and MLC, I realized that I needed to heal for any reconciliation to be successful. And then I got plain exhausted with being in pain and was bound and determined to heal for my own health and sanity.

I am thankful to myself that whatever the motive at the time, I prioritized my healing. I also came to realize that he had every right to the life he left me to launch, whether it was born out of unresolved childhood issues, changes in the brain, or other explanations.

[xyzcf]

Reinventing stated:

And then I got plain exhausted with being in pain and was bound and determined to heal for my own health and sanity.

I also came to realize that he had every right to the life he left me to launch, whether it was born out of unresolved childhood issues, changes in the brain, or other explanations.

Both these statements struck me. How to reach the place where you turn the corner and you and your peace of mind become more important doesn't always occur as quickly as we would like...I cannot even point to what changed me.

Perhaps it is our inherent ability to return to a calmer state (as I often suggest looking at the polyvagal chart that explains so well what is happening to our bodies in trauma. https://lissarankin.com/category/polyvagal-theory/ ).

When this state comes, the rose colored glasses are removed and you see him or her as they truly are now. I think I continued to remember who he was and how somehow that person was still who he was ...even when seeing something different. I was not able to believe he had changed so much.

The second statement is also very important. As much as we want them to stay with us, to work on our relationship that is not what they want. There is freedom in really accepting this truth. Each of us have the right to live the life that we want and we do have control over that life, but not the circumstances of that life.

Circumstances like having a partner who is ill, living in a country that is war torn, the type of childhood we had...so many different circumstances that contribute to who we are.....but the inner self, the core being is unique to each one of us and some things are in our control.

For many years after BD, I lived my life without recognizing myself and without being able to feel joy. I did not know who xyzcf was ...not because I needed him...but because the sadness/depression/numbness was my daily companion. I was not able to feel positive emotions like joy, enthusiasm, excitement...trapped in a gray world where life was a function of routine, make coffee, do chores, go out to activities, watch tv, go to bed......wash, rinse, repeat......where was my zest for life...what happened to my joie de vie?

"Let him go" my brain would scream and I would scream back " I cannot, I am afraid to break that final thread with him"...a thread that only went one way and even that was frayed and weak......

Whatever caused that thread to detach/to break/to disconnect....I would say it was the intense therapy that helped to create the changes I needed internally to step back out into my life...and in the process to identify who xyzcf was...at first, I did not recognize her and she is a mixture for sure of who I was before BD and who I have become...and best of all, who I am becoming.

His life seems shallow and empty to me, but it seems to suit him. Whatever, as reinventing stated so well:

I also came to realize that he had every right to the life he left me to launch, whether it was born out of unresolved childhood issues, changes in the brain, or other explanations.

My decision, my choice has been to accept his minimal contact and it was important to my goal of not allowing myself to be shaken by him anymore...other reasons as well, especially for our daughter's ability to have some family time...which is ok.....and she very much recognizes the "strangeness" of her father but I appreciate seeing them together and chatting/interacting with one another...I think they both need that, perhaps he more so than she does.

Each of us will get there in our own time .......some faster than others ...sometimes we compare ourselves to other HS members and see them moving forward faster or "better" but remember, each situation is different..our own childhood and life experiences, our marriages, our dreams....the things we took for granted need to be unpackaged as we decide what we want, and accept what is.

Reading along for so many years, I really cannot say that many people remain stuck in a state of "grief". The wound remains perhaps, but the feelings associated with that wound diminish......you can see that in other's stories and you will get there too...be patient with yourself.....find your peace. You are doing all the things you can...continue to be aware of the things that bring you to a sense of calmness and how to change your reaction to things that cause you "alarm".

[Treasur]

Some of my choices and circumstances were different from yours, or indeed from other posters, but I do remember the struggle to accepting what was being a hard long one. And worthwhile eventually. Looking back, I think I just reached my own internal ‘line’ when the pain of accepting the reality I could see was less than the pain and turmoil of trying to push against it. I have come to believe increasingly that we suffer most when we fight current reality as Buddhists say. And the observable reality - regardless of the cause, MLC or not - was that the person I loved wanted a life without me in it. That he chose the path he chose and he has the right - as well as the consequences, good or bad, that come with it - to do so as Reinventing said regardless of my opinion about it. Unlike xyzcf and others here, I have no idea how those series of choices worked out for him or what his POV is about any of it including the two decades before BD.

Once I started to accept that it was as it was, it became easier, bit by bit, to lay down some of the thoughts and feelings that caused my own turmoil and distress. Which does not change the fact that I had to learn to hope for different things that did not involve him and that his choice was life-altering and not what I ever would have wanted for any of us.

I think I continued to remember who he was and how somehow that person was still who he was ...even when seeing something different. I was not able to believe he had changed so much.

This was absolutely how it was for me for long after my former h had disappeared from my life. Almost as if the old h lived in my head.....it’s a bit like grief, I found. Some part of me was afraid of consigning my memories of him to the past, almost as if I were losing him all over again. I remember feeling the same about my parents....it’s a pretty common stage of mourning I think.

[Schratz66]

Thank you Treasur, XY, Dragon and Reinventing.....
I am so very grateful to have such wonderful support here and honestly this forum saved my life early on in this process and again this last week. So much support and kindness without judgement is simply amazing and I am so thankful.

I can go NC because for most of these years that is what I have done...stayed back until he reached out and then I always replied briefly but kindly....only last year it became a more back and forth exchange of messages and some phone calls just because of how he was different and seemed to care. The short contact since he cancelled was completely withdrawn again and could not care less about me and so me not contacting will be easier I hope. He kept saying he does not know anything and somehow he believes that if the stressor in his life (property dispute and retirement) are settled then he will magically know what to do about everything else in his life. Delusional because that is not how life works, but he has never dealt well with stress.

Dragon:

I thought of myself as a drug addict going through withdrawal

That is exactly how this has felt the last few months...and a complete withdrawal is necessary for me at this moment. I need to find my baseline, my sanity and my strength again.

Reinventing:

And then I got plain exhausted with being in pain and was bound and determined to heal for my own health and sanity.

I am there. It took this to happen for me to actually be at the point where I cannot endure the pain and agony any longer and the only way out is to heal and heal and heal some more if I have any intention of regaining my sanity at this point.

Treasur:

I have come to believe increasingly that we suffer most when we fight current reality as Buddhists say

I do believe that to be the truth. I have always worn rose colored glasses simply because during my childhood I had to think things were better than they were simply as a survival tool.  It is time to stop fighting reality with phantasies and unjustified hope. My mom would always make fun of me because I would always believe in the best in people and the best in situations and she said my hope will die last. I have always been one to never stop hoping and to always think miracles do happen. As my therapists says most of my survival tools from childhood no longer serve me well in adulthood and we have to reteach myself new survival tools.

XY:

"Let him go" my brain would scream and I would scream back " I cannot, I am afraid to break that final thread with him"...a thread that only went one way and even that was frayed and weak......

That still is the biggest struggle for me...the final letting go....even though we do not even have them in our lives - it seems so final and devastating but in reality they are already gone and only in our minds are they still with us.

This entire last week had me in such a dark place, I truly wasn't sure how it would play out and I think I am in a better place today. Do I want to embrace life and dance in the streets ...No....but at least I no longer debate if life without him is even worth it, which is a huge step to me. The days can only get better from here.

Thank you again to everyone that has reached out and / or commented on my thread. You will never know how you saved me from myself and how much I appreciate every one of you.

[Evermore]

Hey S66. I’m very glad you’ve again managed to hold your head above water long enough to recover enough to start climbing back out of the pit, again. I know it’s exhausting. I haven’t commented yet because I just didn’t know what else to say except ‘I know how you feel’.

I tried a few times to post but everything felt either heavy and dramatically depressing; or trite and overly simplified, nothing very helpful. I wish I could just sit with you in solidarity while you catch your breathe and start the healing again.

You’ve been given some fabulous advice, as always here and I know you KNOW what to do (we all know it’s the DOING of the thing that is the hardest). Keep doing the little good things. Keep noticing the small good things. Keep building on those and stringing them together.

I think the ‘Addict’ analogy is the closest I’ve heard to explaining this inability you and I both have to ‘let go’. It feels wrong wrong wrong. It doesn’t FEEL the right thing to do. No matter how much we tell ourselves it is. We talk a lot about ‘acceptance’ here. Accepting reality. Accepting who they are now. Accepting what they did, and are, doing. I’ve come to the realisation that for me, the actual hardest thing to accept is that it is always going to feel wrong to let them go. But that I just need to do it anyway. I can’t wait until it feels the right thing to do (as seems to happen for many). Because I don’t think that will happen for me anytime soon (and I think you’re the same). It will always feel wrong. Until maybe one day at some time way in the future, it might not anymore? I don’t know. But I think it’s years away.

So rather than concentrating on the detaching and the accepting that seems to work for others, I’m focussed on ‘accepting that I’m not gonna accept it’. I’m not going to magically stop loving him and wishing he’d wake the F’ up!! This is how it’s going to be for quite a while yet. So I need to carry on with my day/week/life anyway. It’s gonna feel sh*t. It’s gonna be exhausting. I’m gonna be sad and miserable and f’ing YEARN for what I can’t have. Those feelings aren’t honing to go away. So I’m not going to wait for that to happen. I’m carrying on regardless. I know you can carry on regardless too. You’ve done it before and you can do it again, right?! Sending you big hugs.