[MadLuv]

  But where it gets skewed imho is if we are dealing with someone who doesn’t do ‘normal’ reciprocity, who shows little respect or empathy or who wants something that we no longer want to provide. It’s a tough message, I know, and maybe not a popular one here, but I think they contact us bc they want something at the time....I’m not sure it has anything much to do with us or their feelings about us tbh, more like scratching an itch maybe?

THIS!!!  It is tough, but true. I think those of us with children no matter what age try harder to stay civil, connected , hope for family or may due to financial and or divorce agreements, but even with that I have found that they are either curious, wanting to see where you are or are so isolated in their new life that there is a bit of “using” us for a shallow friendship. Who doesn’t appreciate having someone love you and for someone who is emotional immature and avoidant I am sure they have some need to maybe keep us there. Give just enough to keep us hanging on.

So, I do think there is so much truth in that. I do think my XH has regrets and cares somewhat for me, but not enough to stop being disrespectful of my feelings or even of his children's feelings. If you have no contact and are in contact again you do see quite quickly where they are. Unfortunately, most times it is still in a place where they do us more harm than good. I have very little hope now that my XH will ever find the strength and courage to face his demons in life. That’s sad, but it is more sad now for him than for me and our family's future. I would not want to be him for anything. I still miss our family and who he was, but when I have had to talk to him he is not the man of character and morals that he once was. My most pain now from him is my children's loss ( as they have finally accepted he is not the father they knew)  and just that he is still walking the earth, but is not  anyone I know and as he stands not someone I would enjoy even for a 5 minute date. 

I would be beyond thrilled if my XH had an AHA wake up and my kids had their father back and I could talk to my best friend of 30 plus years again in reciprocal fashion, but right now that is a dream and not the reality. I can make a hundred wishes and   Pray to the heavens and it still not where we are. That acceptance is where I have found my own strength to move on. Appreciate who does show up in my life. Those are the ones you get love and friendship from. It’s just all so hard and we all have to find our own way. The  differing thoughts from everyone here however are always so good to read.  Some things just hit you and you feel understood. That is the beauty of this forum.

[Schratz66]

Thank you Evermore, Mad, Xy, Treasure, Dragon ....

I do feel like I am feeling much better. Yes, it was a huge wave that smacked me plum down into the sand. I have got back up, spit out the saltwater and sand, adjusted my bathing suit and am walking out of the ocean for a little while.
As I am driving to the store this morning I thought that I have given so much more leeway and grace to my MLCer than I have to myself. Treasur you have said it for a while and you are right, I am way too hard on myself and I need to be kinder and more understanding with me.

I think the times MLC said he wanted to see me were both times where I guess he was not sure if I was still in or not and maybe felt he had to step it up and give me something. But I don't know - it's just a guess and it really does not matter. He has nothing to offer and he is still as confused as ever and just wants to ensure that I am not dropping off and would no longer be an option.

I have been praying and meditating and somehow I feel lighter. The last few weeks humbled me and made me realize what I have been doing for almost 6 years is no longer working for me.  I also realized that I don't have to do anything reg MLC or the current situation. What I do have to do is put one foot in front of the other and make my life (as it is now) the best I can make it. I need to get out of the mindset that I am just in a waiting loop.

I am working again on redirecting my thoughts whenever they go to him.....I say 'we do not beg, we do not chase and we are not ruminating' and then force my mind somewhere else. It is what it is and I truly have zero control.

I am learning with the help of my therapist that overthinking and obsessively thinking is also a part of a survival strategy adopted in childhood because we think the more we think about something the better prepared we are and that gives us an illusion of having some sort of control, but in reality we still don't. My goal is that I need to learn to break all these survival strategies that no longer work for me. That I will be okay no matter what happens with MLC or what does not happen. That it has nothin to do with me and that I can fight like a banshee and think 24/7 but that still will not change what happens, so I might as well hand it over to a higher power and be free to focus on me.

[Zion]

66,

I believe you have mentioned your X has a drinking problem, plus he had an affair, which is another addictive behavior.  Probably even more addictive is the affair in which the affair partner participates or enable the alcohol addiction.  A very hard situation, I image, to wake from.

Who knows what he is telling himself about you.  Maybe you are another addiction.  He can keep you behind OWs back and get some dopamine hits from your sporadic interactions.

You are a lovely lady with a huge forgiving heart.  Any man would be lucky to have you as a partner.  You can't control him, but you can control your own moves going forward.

 

[Treasur]

Well done, 66....that’s a big shift in mindset. (Looking back, I think some of my bigggest shifts came after a bit of a metaphorical or real life faceplant  )
You do not beg, you do not chase and you are choosing to divert your brain when it ruminates. Good stuff. (And in the spirit of reminding you to be kind, don’t beat yourself up if your brain trips up now and then  The goal is better and good enough, not perfection)

A coach of mine suggested experimenting with physical movement and changing your surroundings as a way to distract your brain into a different mindset. You say 5 4 3 2 1 and move.....get up and move to another room, turn some music on and dance, jog on the spot, go outside....doesn’t matter, just move your body to another physical space for a few minutes. I was a bit cynical about it but strangely found it works pretty consistently as a kind of brain/body hack for both rumination and procrastination. Actually just for shifting your mindset out of any groove 

[Reinventing]

I am working again on redirecting my thoughts whenever they go to him.....I say 'we do not beg, we do not chase and we are not ruminating' and then force my mind somewhere else. It is what it is and I truly have zero control.

I also found that mantras I would repeat to myself to redirect my brain worked well. I have used that with other behavior/thought  changes since.

A coach of mine suggested experimenting with physical movement and changing your surroundings as a way to distract your brain into a different mindset. You say 5 4 3 2 1 and move.....

Yes, this works for me too. Just walk outside and pull one weed. Just a quick circle around an adjoining room. Just walk outside and listen to what the birds sound like and come back in. Admittedly, because of the adrenalin in my body in the early days, I was circling the living room at night for a long period of time just get some energy out, lol. But then I used short stints of movement to redirect. Even when driving, I would find some movement of one of my legs or my hand.

I also carried a small stone in my pocket that had interesting contours and would feel that and focus on it at work. If I lost it, I picked up any small object I could find, like a pen top or paperclip. I remember one day it was a wood screw I found on the ground and had to watch and not let the end jab into my finger, lol. But the grooves of the screw worked pretty well for redirecting.

Anything to redirect.

That and my math challenge of subtracting numbers, while I went on long walks.

I had zero shame and did anything that helped me heal. And I always look back on those times with compassion for myself and also smile at how I must have looked to others at times.

I paid attention to how I felt with implementing these strategies and found that I had longer and longer moments of feeling stable, feeling like I could survive. It was noticeable to me. And so I kept doing them. And things that threw me off my path of healing, I didn't do. I knew I could change that in the future, and what I could handle would change, but right now, at that moment, I was going to heal and get myself back. I was changed for sure, but back to some semblance of myself.

[xyzcf]

One of the first of many techniques I was taught in therapy is to stand and start to shake my arms, my legs and move my whole body for as long as it felt right, then come to stillness, close my eyes and experience the shift in my body...feeling the difference from prior to shaking.

Google "trauma release exercises" and you will see lots of suggestions.

Another one is the vagus nerve reset.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFV0FfMc_uo

Walking is also a great way to relieve stress and depression especially if you can get outdoors.

The thing is, we are not helpless in our ability to heal.

Just need to have patience to get to that place of feeling better . Each time you do these exercises, your body starts to remember those peaceful feelings and you "learn" to slip into that space quicker than previously. So practicing these things regularly is quite important.

Have a good weekend. Glad you are able to express so well how you are feeling.

[Schratz66]

Thanks XY, Treasur, Zion and Reinventing...

Great tips and I appreciate learning all these new techniques. I am still doing well which surprises me at just how quickly (sure at the time it did not seem quick enough) this face plant passed and I was able to get back up. Days not months ....another wave of hurt survived with the help of wonderful support on here and my local friends. 

Somehow this life face plant felt different though - it felt harder and rattled me to the bone but maybe that was the final straw to acceptance and dropping the rope and no longer entertaining hope. Am I open to meeting if he ever contacts again - absolutely, but I will not spend my days and months and years waiting for it to happen.

Another new thing for me is to remind myself daily what wonderful things I do have in my life. I still love my job, I have an amazing daughter and a more or less healthy body that can move and do as it pleases.

I have been out cycling every day and feeling your muscles ache is much better than your heart aching....still having some trouble getting on and off the bike due to my hips / legs not having the old flexibility and range yet but that will work itself out. Signed up for two more races this season so that I have a goal to focus on.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Somehow this life face plant felt different though - it felt harder and rattled me to the bone but maybe that was the final straw to acceptance and dropping the rope and no longer entertaining hope.

One thing I would strongly suggest is to to stop blaming yourself for his actions. All of that ties into your past trauma that thankfully you are working to resolve to make you healed and whole. I am not against hope, but place your hope in the mindset that you will heal and you will be in a better place regardless of his actions or outcome.

I am not an anti-hope guy. I am about building hope based upon the power and control you have. You've lost weight, you are looking great, and you should feel proud of the work you have put in to feel better about yourself. That is hope and it is well placed.

Am I open to meeting if he ever contacts again - absolutely, but I will not spend my days and months and years waiting for it to happen.

Nothing wrong with that at all. Just take it for what it is worth. It's like some people who borrow from me. They mean well, but I know that chances are, I won't see the money ever again. Therefore, in my mind, I give them the money. If I get it back- great, if not, it was okay because it was a gift anyway. If he wants to meet, pick a place that you can enjoy by yourself- a great diner or coffee shop. If he cancels or doesn't show, enjoy a cup of coffee or nice dessert by yourself. You still had a good time and you just gifted him some time. No expectations... you still lived your life as if he is not coming back. Just an idea.

Have an amazing day and know that we all are in your corner cheering you on,

((((Ready))))

[Dragonfly33]

Nicely said Ready. And I totally agree with what you said about the blaming and the past trauma. I have the same issues and I only understood that it had something to do with my childhood experience of being always the one who was blamed by my mother. It really is important to understand our past traumas so we stop the same cycle.

[Reinventing]

I am not against hope, but place your hope in the mindset that you will heal and you will be in a better place regardless of his actions or outcome.

I agree with this. We know that we can only control ourselves. Hard lesson to learn, but also freeing. We can have hope and focus on our healing at the same time.

We have but this one precious life to live. So we hope for the most healed and fullest life we can have--knowing that we don't control others, but have the powerful ability to control ourselves. Disappointing at first and then freeing and wonderful in the end.