[Schratz66]

Thank you Treasur......it feels pretty good to be calm and actually not worrying about MLC and the what ifs .....I think the last interaction was a game changer for me......the most attractive quality to me was always MLC's integrity and being a man of his word.....when I realized he no longer knows how to keep promises or his word, it changed something inside of me......my biggest pet peeve has always been liars and that is what he is right now so no contact at all is fine with me.....

Another thing I realized is that I only have a limited amount of time left and I want to live it to the fullest and most peaceful extent that I can ...I do not want to force anything anymore ...if it happens, it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't.

Depeche Mode - Ursa......dang.....brings back the 80s and youth....lol......love it.......Taylor is coming to Munich next year which is where my brother lives and if the tickets go into general sales, I will try to get some......I did just see though where the ticket sales went crazy and sites crashed....so, we shall see......

D and the grand cats are coming in for the weekend, so I know we will have a great time........other than that I am just enjoying summer and riding my bike occasionally when my back allows it.......

[UrsaMajor]

Another thing I realized is that I only have a limited amount of time left and I want to live it to the fullest and most peaceful extent that I can ...I do not want to force anything anymore ...if it happens, it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't.

GOOD!

Depeche Mode - Ursa......dang.....brings back the 80s and youth....lol......love it.......Taylor is coming to Munich next year which is where my brother lives and if the tickets go into general sales, I will try to get some......I did just see though where the ticket sales went crazy and sites crashed....so, we shall see......

The "pre-registration" for Taylor tickets went wrong from the start and the tickets sold out in minutes for all three shows, despite the web site crashing regularly. I just talked to a colleague who got one ticket for Gelsenkirchen and one for Vienna....

[Schratz66]

Just Journaling to get the thoughts out of my head.....
Not a peep from MLC since March which is the longest he had been silent in 6 years......he said he'd be in touch...he said he wanted me to wait until July.....he said he would make a decision one way or another........what I got is silence........a little part of me is hurt that again it was more lies and the other part of me is doing okay with it....I still have no idea what I want or how I feel about him but I do know that I cannot stand a liar.......where does that leave me.....it leaves me just worrying about my own life and my own issues and leaving him to his......I do hope and pray that he will not drink himself to death or end up paralyzed from falling off a chair drunk like his brother did, but I cannot help him.........just such a sad waste of life and time that we have limited amounts left.....my heart breaks for him

[MadLuv]

You know they don’t deal with time like we do, so as important as that July date was for you, well he probably hasn’t even realized it is past or if he does it is because he is still in his own way. You can feel sad for him, but don’t worry about him. He is an adult man. He has choices and love and support are for his taking. That took me a long time to grasp. I feel bad for my XH, but not sorry for him anymore. When we feel sorry we have a savior complex kicking in ( or that’s how I finally saw it for me) I can feel empathy and sadness for someone that was so important, but you have no responsibility for his life and choices. We think we do… for so long. So let yourself off the hook on that. You don't need that burden to bare. If he isn’t contacting you then he isn’t ready and you don’t want someone that isn’t ready. And keep journaling. I also do to clear my head. Most mine is now due to my kids pain more than mine, but we do need to clear it!!

[Treasur]

Fwiw, I think the on-off waiting thing is damaging to you bc a) it eats up life that could be lived without that feeling of waiting for something and b) the up down and inherent exoectations of it hurts you, I think?

I would be tempted to treat the silence as an unsolicited gift from the universe or a post it note from God - bc imho that’s how life works sometimes - that it may be a good time to free yourself from the up down waiting thing…..
It’s not the first time, but it could be the last time if you choose it to be.

[MadLuv]

Treasur is so right. It is a gift we never knew we needed if in this situation. Better than giving us false hope or more confusion. I know I an grateful now for it, even if I didn’t see it that way for so long.

[Reinventing]

He is an adult man. He has choices and love and support are for his taking. That took me a long time to grasp.

Yes, and they are human beings separate from the LBS and I respect that they can pursue a separate life from us, no matter the reason. They are not a child. We are not their parents.

We can think that things "should" be a certain way, but if that is not the reality of the situation, then we make sure we are in reality. In my opinion, being in reality, which includes realizing this is not us or the marriage allows us to stabilize and not cast our sail to an unstable person.

[UrsaMajor]

.he said he wanted me to wait until July.....he said he would make a decision one way or another........what I got is silence..

Silence is also a form of decision... Not making a decision is also a decision or a choice ... to NOT choose... to keep the other side (in this case you) "on the hook" and waiting.

He is an adult..... not yours to control but also not yours to have to protect either.

As he has chosen NOT to choose or at the very least not to communicate his decision by his self-imposed deadline, you are free to make YOUR decision, whatever it is.....

[Schratz66]

MadLuv

You know they don’t deal with time like we do, so as important as that July date was for you, well he probably hasn’t even realized it is past or if he does it is because he is still in his own way.

I am certain that this is spot on....he probably would not even remember ever saying July..... thank you for pointing that out - it helps.

Treasu

Fwiw, I think the on-off waiting thing is damaging to you bc a) it eats up life that could be lived without that feeling of waiting for something and b) the up down and inherent expectations of it hurts you

You put in a nutshell what my problem has been. The feeling of waiting and therefor wasting precious time and then expectations that I keep having. I brought up to my therapist how to let go of him without letting go of life. While it may be extreme, he has been the only adult relationship that has provided me with what my therapist calls basic human needs i.e. feeling safe (physically and emotionally), belonging, being heard, feeling seen
Learning to love myself over time should make the letting go a little easier when that is no longer the only thing to make me feel alive.

Ursa

Silence is also a form of decision... Not making a decision is also a decision or a choice ... to NOT choose...

Absolutely correct and he had been not choosing since the first moment when he uttered 'he's not sure' and he has maintained that in 6 years. And as I am working on myself, I decided that I want someone to choose me.

Thank you all for your amazing insights and continued help in navigating this seemingly endless tunnel. Most days I try not to think about it, but there is still moments of course where I wonder why the silence now or was this truly it, but then I remind myself that I do not know and all I can do is live each day the best that I can.

[MadLuv]

It’s the craziness of it all!! Mine is married and the last time I talked to him he is still responding on things that should be firm, but they are non-committal  ( if that makes sense) When I did have to communicate I would always ask one question that I could gauge where he was by his response. The last time I talked to him I asked if all was good? Was he where he wanted to be?  He responded, I am doing what I think I have to do. Still not wanting to just commit and say yes, thank you for asking, I am or I am getting there. Nope!  So your husband said July. Maybe he was buying time. Wanted you to have something to hold on to. They give hope when they have no hope to give, but they need you hanging on. It always tells you exactly where they are.  Same place, different day… most the time