[Watcher]

Thank you UrsaMajor.

You know my therapist really helped me the first time with seeing her. I really liked meeting her and I was very impressed with her however I was already impressed by her because we had communicated for 2 years before we met.

I did like her family and they also impressed me. I was just telling her how I also had toxic inlaws so her entire package she presented was a breathe of fresh air.

We did have plans after that April to see each other again but I canceled on her last minute. Being indecisive and scared to make a decision are hallmarks of being in an abusive relationship.

Yes I went back to my x because her toxicity was normal to me. Here there was a really good woman interested in me and I couldn't give up the toxic one.

Yes after I filed for divorce I felt more comfortable seeing her. She looked so good that September 2019 when I saw her. It's imprinted in my brain how she looked that day and how happy she was to see me finally again. It had been 17 months and she was so nervous lol. She took me on a 2 hour drive to find dinner after I had just driven 5 hours.

We saw each other February 2020 and I was ready to cancel on her last minute. I remember talking to Thunder and told her I couldn't go through with it.

I had to always force myself to make a decision to see her and it was always spur of the moment last minute. Like she had 2 or 3 days to prepare. Meanwhile after I made the decision it was soul crushing.

I would toss and turn. I couldn't sleep. There was a huge weight on my chest always telling me to back out. That was the abuse talking to me. It was very hard to push through it at times. It was terrible at night and I just had to make it through the morning and I would be fine. So I'm glad I did not cancel February 2020 because that trip did lay some groundwork for us and the pandemic was about to hit.

So it would be another 15 months before we would see each other again in May 2021. I saw her twice that year. I brought my son up the 2nd time but did not introduce the two. I thought maybe on future visits had he come I would have been more comfortable doing so.

She is a wonderful giving woman and I would have been proud to introduce my son to her. Yes she made me nervous with our Luke Combs moment in Dec 2021. It was really innocent on her part but I felt she wanted more from me.

So I canceled MLK weekend plans with her in 2022. It was no longer about being indecisive or scared to make a decision because of abuse patterns. I was just scared to take a chance with her.

We didn't talk for 4 months and I just found comfort in the silence never realizing it was such a huge trigger for her. I told her afterwards that I used poor coping mechanisms and I would never do that to her again and I haven't.  I think she finally broke through to me and again she was a bit forceful in her sisters backyard that day but I needed it.

She always was and has been a wonderful woman. I just wasn't ready for her at times and I have always been there for her once we went official and I have never looked back.

Meanwhile I am so glad you remembered where you parked your car that night in Germany because I think she would have been upset had I never made it back to the states, lol.