[Evermore]

A new thread finally (the last one spanned 2 years, hard to believe). This one is named after a Bernard Fanning song I listen to a lot. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=JYlyghmTSIU

It’s been nearly 4.5 years since BD. My H is actually my XH now (I think). But being D’d (I think) hasn’t changed how I feel one bit. So I’m going to continue to call him H in my threads (you’ll all just have to bear with me!).

I’m using my phone to create this new thread so I’ll do all the admin’y stuff tomorrow from my laptop. I’ll also reply properly tomorrow to the (much appreciated) posts at the end of my last thread. But I wanted to briefly say thank you to my dear H&F for her great advice. As usual you instil a calm in me. It ended up being a lovely night last night. H did not turn up but that was ok. I called him in the afternoon (something I having done in, gee, I think it would be years!) and I was glad I did. More on that tomorrow. 😊

[Evermore]

Last thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11599.0
 
I brought this across from my last thread:

Oh Ever, I am sorry you are feeling so anxious right now (or earlier today).  Not a great feeling at all.  By the time you read this, your dinner will be well under way and you will know whether H managed to get there and how that all went down.  I am hopeful that getting your feelings down here did actually help relieve some pressure for you.

I actually also think that by the time you read this, you will have come to some of the same conclusions/observations that I am about to share because that is something you are very good at.  You always tip yourself up the right way all on your own....and with increasing speed.

Before my observations, I would just like to say a big congratulations to your girlies for securing their new jobs.  How good is it that D24 has identified what she needs to do for herself and has taken steps to make it happen?  Alongside you, this is a great example to D22 as well.

Ok, so step 1 = take a deep breath.  You are taking on a lot of the energy that is swirling around you at the moment, which is super common for mamma's in particular I think (correct me if I am wrong Gents).  I am proud of D22 for finally starting to speak up about her discontent with her dad.

It's all such a muddle. And the hard part is that because she's avoidant she would prefer not to talk about this to try to fix it. She'd rather just whinge at me occasionally and have me nod and agree and then just go about our business again, ignoring it all. We all know how bottling these things up goes though don't we?!

I actually think that this is exactly what she wants you to do.  The more nodding and silence she receives from you, the more she might speak and, ironically, feel heard.  She's probably aware of how much you still love her dad and how that leads you to sometimes protect his reputation? and their relationship from the consequences of his actions.

I can understand your fear about her reaction to him potentially wanting to spend more time with you in the future and I really applaud you for recognising that and saying it out loud...Bravo.  I will say, that when ( ) he is in the right mental place to do that, he will likely be more recognisable to her as a father figure too and kids are super forgiving (sometimes when they shouldn't be).  There hasn't been anything traumatic that has happened between your kids and their dad so the relationship is certainly repairable.  You might be at a greater risk of damaging this possibility and also your current relationship with her by trying to protect their relationship right now.  Trust her to let it fall apart for a while and she will hopefully trust you to put her first if he comes back around.

I think that it's nice that you invited H to this dinner tonight for D24.  I wonder if it might have been better coming from D24 because she was the one who wanted him there?  I am just thinking that if D22 is dealing with some disappointment in H at the moment, she might feel a little less like seeing him and maybe also that you sided with D24??  Sided is definitely the wrong word but I know you are trying to be very sensitive to D22's complicated feelings about a few things at the moment.

I think you have done a fabulous job of paving the way for H and as such, I think you can be confident that he knows you are a friendly, trustworthy, soft place to land that he chooses not to use at the moment.  . Until that changes, keep taking deep breaths and letting the things that need to fall apart do so.

You've got this Ever.  I hope the dinner celebration is going super well and you are having a fab time

xx

Thanks you H&F (and thank you also UM for your comments).

I did take a big breathe and I was fine. To clarify, D22 didn't come to the dinner (she had leaving drinks for the girl that she's replacing). But even if she was there, she wouldn't have minded if her dad came. It's not that she doesn't want to see him. She just doesn't want to have to go to 'their' house every time to see him and have to see the OW as well. And re me asking him, I felt that as I was arranging the dinner it was important for H to feel like he was actually invited (and not just by D24). Also, it was D24 that asked me to ask him.

I actually think that this is exactly what she wants you to do.  The more nodding and silence she receives from you, the more she might speak and, ironically, feel heard.  She's probably aware of how much you still love her dad and how that leads you to sometimes protect his reputation? and their relationship from the consequences of his actions.

Thank you sooo much for this. I think you might be right and I will take your advise here. xx

Re me calling him, I had a hair appointment earlier in the day and I decided on the spur of the moment on the way there to call him to let him know it'd be nice if he could get there. The convo I had with D24 and another I had with SIL2 the other day made me worry a bit that he was in a bad place mentally. We had a nice conversation. I told him that D24 would like him to be there but I'd also like him to come. He said he'd try but probably wouldn't get there in time.

I asked him if he was OK and he did his usual 'Oh I'm fine! You know, stressed at work because of so much pressure and smoking too much but it'll be fine in a few weeks when I'm not working away from home any more'. He then asked how I was (he asked me that last year too, so 2nd time in 4.5 years lol). I told him he could always call if he needed someone to talk to. He very sincerely said that he 'very much appreciated that'. Then... as we were saying goodbye... I said 'OK, love you, bye' out of reflex.  And he replied 'Love you too' double  Hahaha it's just sooo weird. I still feel like I'll go home and he'll be there. It feels like he feels like that maybe as well. Just nuts.

So then I had a lovely night out with all the combined families. We took a nice group pic and SIL2 sent a message after asking me to send her the photo. So I sent it to her and H as well. Told him we had a lovely night, that I (as he'd asked) told everyone he said hello. And that I was 'proud of our chicken'. Was feeling all good about our contact and the night. Then I saw on FB that he'd wished his Aunt a Happy BDay (I did as well) and commented on the restaurant that she went to with 'It's great there. OW and I went there recently'. Hahaha, bucket of cold water and good reminder that that relationship is still very much alive. As you say though H&F, I def bounce back better and more quickly than I used to. So I'm fine today.

And again I trudge on!! xx


 

[UrsaMajor]

Hi Ever,

In my reply re: the invite, I missed that D24 had asked you to invite (x)H and in that case, I see no issue there.

(x)H's R with OW seems .... hmmmmmm ... how should I say it.... odd? but, that is not your circus, not your monkeys.

MLC is an ultra-marathon slog through the mud so ....

It is what it is and you are getting back to equilibrium faster and faster so now it is on (x)H to decide on whether or not he chooses to get his head out of his .... fog... or not...

[Evermore]

Just journaling a little because these few weeks in the year are always thinky and trigger-potential times for me.

Life in general continues on, and whilst I still miss him every day, I THINK? I am feeling a little more 'used to' my new life? So I am faring much better this year than the past few years. I still would like him to 'come around' but I am doing OK. Finally more on the 'other side' of this I think (for now anyway... loads of potential to get sucked back in!!  ).

It would have been our wedding anniversary (24 years) on the 20th, and yesterday was the 27th anniversary of us officially getting together. Yesterday was also 28 years I've worked at my job (that I love!). As has happened in past years H saw this (about my work anniversary) on LinkedIn (which I never use) about a week ago and sent a 'congratulations' message (on LinkedIn). No one else ever does, as I said, I never use it. That message appeared as an email in my normal inbox. It featured H's profile pic... which is a close up of him and cOW. Lovely. At least I can laugh about that kind of thing now. I must be much better. 

I know we shouldn't be pondering the 'why' of these things. But I do wonder whether he remembers our anniversaries, sees all the old memories popping up on FB from past happy celebrations between us (there are many and he is tagged or wrote them himself so they would come up in his newsfeed) and because he could never comment on those other anniversaries (no way he would go there!), he instead compensates by commenting on my work anniversary. I'm pretty sure he doesn't use LinkedIn very much either (but who knows, maybe he does these days). And of course he still 'likes' most of my FB posts (and sometimes comments).

The other 'this time of the year' things coming up are my BDay (on 2nd), Easter (which was always our families most loved camping holiday time), and Mothers Day (it's in May in Aus). I know I will receive a HBD and HMD message from him on each of those days. And I know it still doesn't mean anything.

On Easter Sunday we're all (his family which is still my family  ) going to B & SIL2's house for a BBQ. I'm picking FIL up and bringing him out (he's 96 now, 97 in July!). SIL2 made a messenger chat group to invite everyone (as she always does), but I'm not in it because she still has me blocked so can't add me... it's all so weird, we actually kinda joke about it now. D22 let me know about the group and that SIL2 started it by announcing the date and time and saying that I was picking Pop up and bringing him out. H and cOW ARE in the group and I know she wrote that so it was obvious from the get-go that I was going, lol. She confirmed yesterday when we were doing a bit of organising for the day that that's exactly why she said it, hehe. If H wants to go I'll go for a while and then go home and let him and cOW attend.

It doesn't bother me as much as it did. I know very clearly now that my kids, and increasing his family, who were 'OK' with her previously, prefer not to spend time with her if they don't have to. I feel a bit sorry for H because of this. Consequences and all that I know. But what if he is very happy with her and they are 'meant to be' and everyone loathes her and doesn't want to spend time with him/them because of that (and it's partly because they love me)? I know not my problem. But I do love him and do wish him well.

Having said that (what if they're 'meant to be'), it still doesn't FEEL that way. It feels like there is a clock ticking on H and cOW. But how would I know. I thought we were happy!     

[UrsaMajor]

Having said that (what if they're 'meant to be'), it still doesn't FEEL that way. It feels like there is a clock ticking on H and cOW. But how would I know. I thought we were happy!     

"Meant to be" like "Meant to have a root canal without Novocain?"

As for H and cOW.....

[Evermore]

I guess time will tell UM!

[Reinventing]

Having a picture of cOW with him on LinkedIn is, to me, a sign of her attempting to claim him and insert herself through social media.

Most people have a business picture of themselves alone. Its not facebook.

[UrsaMajor]

Having a picture of cOW with him on LinkedIn is, to me, a sign of her attempting to claim him and insert herself through social media.

Most people have a business picture of themselves alone. Its not facebook.

My thoughts exactly.... That's why the Time Bomb GIF..... LinkedIn/Xing are business platforms and not FakeBook/Instagram/etc.

[KeepItTogether]

Meant to be. Oh He!! no.

I agree with Reinventing--NO ONE has a significant other on their LinkedIn profile.  That reeks of desperation. I would be mortified.

Not that it is a hard and fast rule, but most relationships that begin as affairs are riddled with problems. My H and OW had a super volatile relationship. Always breaking up and getting back together. Like high school. It is constant drama. It must get exhausting.

I am vacationing with my inlaws as well. OW was never invited. Petty as it is, we deserve that little bit of validation.

You are doing great.

 

[Evermore]

Thanks KIT. 😊 (I’m so sorry to read about the loss of your MIL. My MIL was an incredibly lovely lady and I was devastated when she died. As you say, it speaks volumes about the person you are that you are so close still with your in-laws.)

I do feel like I’m doing pretty well these days. I still get tripped up when ‘stuff happens’. But I get back up very very quickly these days.

It was my birthday last Sunday and I was expecting a generic text from him. Instead it was a super generic FB post. The absence of ‘Xx’ in that post was, to me, very obvious and made me sad. He includes Xx’s to EVERYONE these days… except me. As H&F pointed out to me, that in itself is telling. 😏 So I was sad for a bit that morning. But I got over it quickly and had a lovely (if weird, more in follow up post) Bday. 😊 (and also, many people commented HBDay to me on his post to me so it would have kept popping up in his notifications for days, hahaha, that cheered me up)

Re the LinkedIn profile pic, I agree it’s weird to have that kind of pic as your profile on that platform. It’s the reason I think he doesn’t use LinkedIn much, if at all (in the industry he works in it’s not used much).

Years ago he changed his FB cover pic at the same time he ‘announced’ them on social media (there was a delay in this announcement... as though delaying it meant he could make everyone forget it’d been going on with them before he toddled off from me 🙄). It’s a collage of ‘their’ dog, ‘our’ dogs, and the pic of him and her (that’s also the LinkedIn pic). For a brief minute that same day he also changed his FB profile to the pic of him and her. It was literally only a few minutes! And then he changed it back to the one he had before (him and our two girls  when they were little). It felt like he’d done it by mistake or panicked that he was being too overt, too publicly ‘in your face’ about his ‘new love’. He hasn’t changed FB pics since then and very very, if ever, posts anything now. Hasn’t for several years. (It’s the reason I am ok with being ‘FB friends’. If he starts posting anything it’ll be a quick unfriend from me.)

I’m sure that was the same day he set up the LinkedIn profile. So I’m not surprised he’s using that pic there. It would have felt safe to do that there. Maybe it was to appease her? I get the impression though that it was more of a high school-ish ‘look at me, I got a new girlfriend’ impulse at the time. But I think that part of him was sensible enough to realise that flaunting that pic on FB would not go down well at all with friends and family. Having it as part of a collage in his cover pic (which no one sees unless they go to his page), but not his profile pic (which everyone sees wherever he comments/posts) kind of water it's significance down.

He’s very sensitive to the reactions of others. It’s why he lays so low these days. He knows he has lost a lot of respect. I think the ‘happy work anniversary’ messages he sends me through LinkedIn feel a ‘safe’ thing to do. Mentioning marriage or ‘get together’ anniversaries (which occur at the same time) would feel very very unsafe for him.

I think he lives on a tightrope, always afraid to make a wrong move that will show himself and others that he made the wrong decision, that he did a bad thing, that he has stuffed up his life etc. It must be exhausting. He camouflages with bravado. But I see through it (and so do many of our family/friends, including our girls). I’m so sad for him. I keep wanting to yell at him: pull it together, grow up already! I know everyone here knows that feeling!! And we toddle on (I feel like I’m toddling these days instead of trudging! That’s an improvement!).