[titleholder]

Hey Evermore!

I just wanted to drop by and say that I understand your feelings completely. Sometimes it's nice to hear that you're not alone in the feelings you have in this crazy journey.

I also have been in a loving, warm and stable relationship for 9 months now. I feel the same way as you; extremely lucky to have met somebody who's totally invested, loving and understanding of my situation. This is a how a relationship should be and feel like. I wouldn't trade it for the unstable relationship I know I would have with my xH, but I still mourn the loss of that relationship and our family. I see him for who he is (now?) and that this man would destroy me and our family over and over again. Because we would never do what they've done to us we will never fully understand how they can discard us so easily.

You sound really good! I'm happy for you that you found somebody loving. Keep working through your feelings that's the only thing that's going to help us in the long haul, but my god it's difficult sometimes.

Love! TH

[Evermore]

Hey TH. Thanks so much for your reply. It is indeed nice to know I’m not alone. I’m so happy to hear you’re also in a loving relationship. One of the best things I’ve learnt from all this is to always be present and to appreciate all the good normal things.

While I’m replying, you have to laugh… it’s completely normal to sign for a block of land with your GF one day and the next day get your family Medicare card delivered to your ex wife’s house, isn’t it?! This is the Australian health care system card. So every time he goes to the Dr he has to whip out a card that has me, him and both our daughters written on it. We also still have a joint bank account and a family health insurance policy. It’s all so weird. 🤣

[titleholder]

Haha yes, they always think they can run but real life presents itself differently 

[KayDee]

Hahaha - telling 100 people (exaggeration aside) on a group chat sounds a bit like over-selling to me What next - a podcast?

I really get the emotions, I have been trying to work through this in IC. What is at the root of my desire for the relationship with OW to die a thousands deaths? Painful unpicking of the ego ensued. For me, it's not like I am going to welcome my H back with open arms. So what does this desire mean? I imagine, when it does happen, after the initial rush, I will likely not feel much at all. Because, truly, it has little to do with me. I do believe this.

Could you be making assumptions? Buying plot of land = Very Happy Relationship. You just cannot know. What you do know is that you, Evermore, spent time processing your grief, got healthy, and then, with some solid ground, entered a new relationship. It is likely you that is in the more enriching and stable space.

From what I know of stories on the forum and in RL, people who do these kind of self-destructive acts, are often not able to face the damage they did, and this may mean they end up settling for what they burned everything for. It's another possibility.

[Evermore]

I really get the emotions, I have been trying to work through this in IC. What is at the root of my desire for the relationship with OW to die a thousands deaths? Painful unpicking of the ego ensued. For me, it's not like I am going to welcome my H back with open arms. So what does this desire mean? I imagine, when it does happen, after the initial rush, I will likely not feel much at all. Because, truly, it has little to do with me. I do believe this. 

Hey KD. It’s a tough thing isn’t it to work through. It’s been obvious from very early on though that you would be able to do the work. Thanks for your comments. I always like to read your posts. You’re always so sensible and grounded. I’m sure there’s a lot of ‘wounded ego’ going on for my ‘hope it all burns down!’ part.  Hard to wash that feeling away. Knowing something doesn't automatically change our feelings unfortunately.

Could you be making assumptions? Buying plot of land = Very Happy Relationship. You just cannot know. What you do know is that you, Evermore, spent time processing your grief, got healthy, and then, with some solid ground, entered a new relationship. It is likely you that is in the more enriching and stable space.

From what I know of stories on the forum and in RL, people who do these kind of self-destructive acts, are often not able to face the damage they did, and this may mean they end up settling for what they burned everything for. It's another possibility.

Oh, I’m not at all suggesting that their relationship is especially happy. I do absolutely think (you are right, I can not know) that he is settling for what he burned everything for. I think he was lucky enough to have stumbled, in his crisis, into a relationship that ‘isn’t too bad’. I’ve said before and I believe now more than ever, that how it all works out in the end is influenced by the affair they stumble into.

I would not at all be surprised if his relationship spins completely out of control and eventually fails. But I think it will carry on for a long while yet. I think he has a lot of regrets but hasn’t the stomach for unravelling everything he’s done. He will keep bumbling forward I think, trying to make the best of the bed he’s made for himself (I think loads of people do that). He’s always used ‘novelty’ (eg meeting OW, new house, new job, new car, new… something else etc etc) as a ‘happiness booster’ so they’ll float along on this new high for a bit.

You’re completely right that that has nothing to do with the LBS though. So I will also move forward with my life, following my sensible head and dragging my sentimental heart along against its will! 

I do feel I’m in a pretty stable space now. Thank you for saying you think that as well. 

[KayDee]

So I will also move forward with my life, following my sensible head and dragging my sentimental heart along against its will! 

I so get that  - I am with you. 

[Evermore]

I saw my xH tonight. Well actually I just saw his ute and our trailer. I was driving home from doing my ponies and as I drove past the local footy oval I saw a ute and trailer and thought: ‘that looks like my old trailer… oh the ute has *name of business* on the side… so it IS my old trailer... oh that’s xH’

So not really a big deal. I just drove home and got on with my evening.

The reason I note it here is it struck me how completely odd/crazy/weird/WTF it still seems to drive past xH and instead of stopping and say ‘hey honey, why are you stopped here, what should we have for dinner?’… I just… keep on driving these days.

Like I don’t know him. Like he’s just some rando. Not the man I was married to for 20 years. Not the father of my children. Not someone I’ve known so intimately and loved so hard for more than half my life. Not the person that was My Person for so long and who I thought I’d grow old with.

It’s like some giant took a bloody great axe to my life story and just chopped it clean off.

I wonder if it will always feel so shocking.

[UrsaMajor]

Like I don’t know him. Like he’s just some rando. Not the man I was married to for 20 years. Not the father of my children. Not someone I’ve known so intimately and loved so hard for more than half my life. Not the person that was My Person for so long and who I thought I’d grow old with.

That is likely because he has become this guy......

[MadLuv]

I think it is odd. I have ‘t seen my XH in 3 years almost. I think it’s bizarre he will be married 3 this month. What I do know is that we do go through all the emotions and they just jump into the next.  So, they are still the messed up people that did not work through, process and self reflect. My XH and his OW/wife have t lived together for year. He is living the avoidant dream.

I am so thankful I dont have to be reminded daily of him by the drive byes and small children exchange. He seems to do plenty of damage as a vanisher.

[Evermore]

Soooo... guess what xH did on the weekend.

It was OW 50th on Sat night. He invited all his family and hers (although apparently just her son and her parents, her sister wasn't there) out to dinner to celebrate and also organised another BDay function the next day at their house. I knew this was happening because D23 let me know she was going (no biggy, I'm used to these functions now).

And at dinner, in front of everyone, he got down on one knee and proposed to her. Apparently she had no clue that he was going to, and neither did anyone else... well except me; because he had told our girls the night before, and they told him that they were going to tell me.

I guess it's quite appropriate that I knew before she did that he was going to ask her to marry him considering she knew before I did that he was going to leave me. Like, honestly, I can't make this weirdness up.

I am surprisingly OK. I was a bit sad and emotional Friday night when up the river with M and his best friends (but really only because I'd had a tad too much to drink). It feels weird and I am a bit sad but I'm actually really fine about it. It doesn't change anything does it and I am 1000% sure that I have the better deal and the healthier relationship (including a more financially and mentally sound future). I think I ended up in a very good place and feel very grateful about that.

The thing that makes me saddest I think is that he did it in such a showy 'look how in luuurve we are' way. Very very different to when we just talked about it, knew it was a done deal that we'd get married and just quietly did. There was no 'proposal' as such. Even our wedding was very understated. So I hate, and am hurt, that the optic is 'this is the REAL thing, that past relationship was not as good as this fabulous new one, this is true love!'. Urgh. 

I know, and you all know, that these 'shows' aren't a reflection of the true state of a relationship. We also know it's a common thing MLCers do to justify their new lives. But it still hurts. And yes, we all DO think it was weird that he proposed in front of everyone like that. So NOT the old him. I find it all so bizarro! 

I know this too shall pass. But I still grieve the loss of that life.