[One day at a time]

Hi Ever

Funny how our stories can be different in some ways and similar in others... I just stopped by to say I get how you feel.

xH also professed his love for OW in ways he never did with me.. His Whatsapp and IG profile pictures are from the 2 of them at their wedding. He's had more pictures of them together in 5 years than what we had in 15.. multiplied x3. It's like they are trying to send this message of "the real love of their lives". Personally, I think it's childish and immature. I take loads of pictures with my partner but I don't feel the need to plaster them all over social media.

But despite the fact I know I wouldn't go back to what was, I get the sadness and the hurt. I think secretly we want them to fail as payback for what they did to us.. (Or maybe that's just me!  ) Like in your case, my life has become a lot better in many ways but still, somewhere in my brain, I get this reminder that this is not the life I chose. I was forced into it when xH unilaterally decided that he did not want the life we had any more and tried his best to make me feel it was all my fault.

But it will pass, it's another layer of the onion we need to go through.. I do find that as time goes by, my old life truly feels like it's behind me. I might get memories every now and again that make me sad but overall, my new life has taken over. I didn't think I would get here but I did!

[beyondblessed]

I'm sorry you are feeling down about your PJ's proposal.  I know it must sting a bit.  My xh got engaged to OW about 2 weeks after our D was finalized.  At that point it was only 6 months post BD, and he was still denying any affair   

Fast forward 8 years, I've been married for over 2 years, and xh and OW did buy a house together a few years back, but in the meantime since, the engagement was called off, she's posting memes about him all over FB about him being a narrcistic liar and fraud....I kid you not, you can't make this $h!te up.....and she seems to be in the process of moving out.  Of course, all the while she maintains the role of the betrayed partner.  Wonder if it will ever dawn on her that this is just karma doing what karma always does lol

So, all this to say don't be so sure a wedding is even going to happen.  Like you've said, he's on another high temporarily.  Who knows what will happen when that settles down.

[Evermore]

Thanks One Day and BB for following along and sympathising (it really is the best thing about this place for me, that people really KNOW). And yes, our stories often have these similar themes. 

It does sting. But I know that feeling will settle down pretty soon. I don't get rattled for very long these days. Thankfully!

It was FILs 98th BDay yesterday and we're having a party for him this coming Sunday at BIL and SIL2's house. I so didn't care that xH and OW were going to be there until this new development. But now I really don't want to have to see them if I don't have to. So I'll go early knowing they will come late and we won't stay too long. M and his S12 are coming with me and both girls will be there.

Interestingly this current 'not wanting to see them' feeling is quite different to the old 'not wanting to see them' feeling I used to get. Previously it was because I was scared of how it would make me feel. That I would be hurt. This feeling is more of a  kinda-sneery, 'pfft, I don't wanna hang with you people' kinda vibe. Definitely progress. 

Also interesting is that one of the feelings I have about all this (because there are many layers) is 'well good, I hope it DOES work out'. A) because I'd genuinely like him to be happy. And B) because I am settled in a new relationship and I don't want to have any messy 'if only' feelings if he broke up with her.

It kinda draws a bit more of a line in the sand. Oh yes, there's no guarantee that they'll stay together long term and/or that they'll get married. But it feels like a step towards that for them and step closer to completely letting it all go for me. I'm a long long way along the path but there's still stubborn 'I miss my family' feelings floating around inside that will take a bit more time and distance to finally go completely I think (if they ever do). I'm so lucky that I can express all this to M and he's not at all threatened by how I feel about it all. He's such a grown up, haha. I am very lucky. 

[Trustandlove]

Hi, Ever,

Just stopping by to agree with those who say that this may not at all be "happily ever after" for them -- I know one LBS who I met in real life through this forum whose former H did just such a proposal -- at her daughter's 21st, no less -- (the daughter of the LBS and the MLCer), upsetting the daughter hugely, and that marriage ended after a few years.   The MLCer is on to the next one...

My own MLCer finally divorced me after 9 years and married the 6th OW he had had since BD (yes, 6 -- he holds some kind of record), and I learned that it didn't last either -- no idea of the legal status, but apparently they broke up last year, and he is already on to the next one. 

So the issue is definitely with the MLCer....

I'm glad you are doing well!

[KayDee]

but there's still stubborn 'I miss my family' feelings floating around inside that will take a bit more time and distance to finally go completely I think (if they ever do). I'm so lucky that I can express all this to M and he's not at all threatened by how I feel about it all. He's such a grown up, haha. I am very lucky.

I get that. I think it is a bit like a phantom limb for me. I know it's gone, it got thrown in the incinerator and even if it wasn't and you sewed it back on, it would not just work again, it would take years of rehab (homage to those who have reconciled  ). But I still feel the old healthy limb, more often than I would like.

I wanted also to pick up on something OneDay said about being 'forced' into a different life by MLC. I really get that we were forced into being without our crisis spouse, but my feeling is that we, the majority of us here on the forum, we adapt. And the life we adapt to, although a hard road of healing, does seem to end up being pretty good. Some say better. I say, for me, more enriched and filled with deeper gratitude.  OneDay is nearing or at that place it seems, as are you Evermore. So not a word criticism, just an observation. We do get to choose, and most of us here choose well.

(and, I have to say this - the whole bending on one knee surprise proposal? I don't anyone in RL that has done that. I've only seen it on TV or films, and it never goes well. But maybe some think it is romantic - who knows?)

[Reinventing]

I agree. We totally get the complexity of emotions over this.

[Evermore]

Thanks T&L, KD and Reinventing.

The phantom limb analogy is so spot on.

[Evermore]

I was clearing some clutter off my kitchen bench top today and found our new ‘family’ Medicare card (in Aus it’s the card all Australians have for national health care). Two cards arrived in the mail a few weeks ago. We’re all still on the card (both girls, me and xH); they last 5 years. I was a bit surprised, I figured he’d have organised a new card by now. I sent a pic to both girls and also to xH (letting him know I’d get D23 to bring it to him when she next saw him). He just said ‘thanks’.

So D23 had obviously forgotten to take it last weekend. It struck me then just how truly truly bizarre it would have been if she had remembered to take it. She would have handed him a ‘family’ card with my name on it and then an hour later he was proposing to another woman. Crazy

[Evermore]

So we had the party yesterday for FIL's 98th and niece's 35th. It was a lovely lovely day and I really didn't care that xH and OW were there. There was enough people and movement and mayhem (as usual when we all get together) that it was easy enough to steer clear of them. I find I don't really have much emotion left now when I see xH (which feels a bit freaky TBH). It's like I can feel in my bones now that he is a truly different person than he was. Before I knew it, but couldn't feel it. It's kinda miraculous.

M and SS12 were both there and felt comfortable and included. Both my girls were there (and SonIL too) so it was a happy merry family day. I truly feel part of this family and don't at all feel like an interloper. If anything I'd bet OW feels that way. Oh well, sucks to be her.

One thing I do find utterly bizarre (well one MORE thing, because this whole situation is bizarro-land freaky) is that OW seems to have no shame and no perception that she/they did anything wrong. Or maybe no perception that people think they did anything wrong? I don't know. While I was in the kitchen washing up some bowls (so we could use them for the desert), D25 was standing next to me helping and other people were milling about. OW walks up beside D25 and puts a dish in the sink and leans forward and looks past her at me and says 'Hi Ever, nice to see you' (or something like that). I just said 'oh yeah, hey'  and kept on doing what I was doing.

I mean, really?!! WHY would she want to be 'friends' with me. And WHY WHY WHY would she ever imagine that I'd want to be friends with her?!!! Maybe she truly thinks none of us know that she started things with my H while we were still VERY married? Maybe he's convinced her he'd already left me? Maybe she's just convinced herself that's what happened? Does she think I've forgiven them now that I have 'moved on' and will attend family functions with them? I really don't know, but it's VERY weird. And before anyone thinks it's a power play by her, it's really not. She's really not like that. She's more of a meek/simpering/apologetic/anxious/weak type person. Things that make you go hmmmm... 

When we got home I fell asleep on the couch and then when I woke up and went to bed I was quite awake. Which was annoying because my brain then spent about an hour running through all the things I'd REALLY REALLY like to say to her (but won't). 

Something like (or variations of): "OW, you need to know that I will never have any kind of relationship with you. Despite what you'd like others to believe, xH was VERY married when you met him and you helped to rip my family apart. I will tolerate you for the sake of the family. But I can't forgive what you did."

It makes me want to scream a bit to be honest. How unfair I still find it. But hey ho, on we go.

[Dragonfly33]

Hi Ever very understandable how you felt. I would feel the same way. I don’t think I can ever forgive the OWs in my x’s life but I don’t hate them either. You sound very stable and very content with your life now. It’s nice to read that you found a good partner.  I love reading the stories of those who have moved on whether with a partner or not. It reassures me all the time that I’ll be ok too. Thanks for posting.