Thank you TMT, I do indeed feel like I am chugging along well. There aren't as many blips as there used to be but there are still some...
A bad/sad day a few days ago. Eldest D will be 25 next Thursday. As journaled previously I think, she had planned a few months ago to have a big party at her and her partners' house and she wanted both myself and M, and MLC and OW, to attend along with both sides of the family (aunts, cousins etc). I was thrown at the time but did come round to the idea in a 'looks like I need to get this over with, so might as well do it in that kind of setting' (where I would have the support of both his family and mine) way. Soon afterwards though D24 decided she'd rather do something else and cancelled the party before even inviting anyone but me. Then on Monday evening just gone she called me to say that she had decided she would like to have a party after all, but a much smaller one. About 15-20 of her friends, her partners parents, me and M, and her dad and OW. I had taken the call at a bad time (was just arriving at the place I keep the ponies) so I told her I'd think about it and let her know.
After careful thought I decided it was just too small and intimate a gathering for me to be able to do that. I know a lot of her friends but as usually happens at these types of events, the 'older crowd' and the 'younger crowd' often gravitate to each other and there likely wouldn't be heaps of mingling. If I had my way I'd never have to attend any functions with OW ever. I realise that's not in my future though. But nope, not like that. So I called her and let her know on Tuesday evening that I was very very sorry but I just couldn't attend under those conditions ('it's ok honey, you have a lovely party with your friends and your dad and I'll celebrate with you another day').
The discussion following did not go well.
It didn't help that D22 also got involved (so it was a bit of a pile on where they egged each other on a bit). It was one of those convoluted, complex, circular, emotionally draining arguments where no one is sure what anyone else is saying/means/wants and there's far too many emotions flying about. A lot of built up anger and resentment and frustration from both of them came gushing out. Most of these feelings weren't caused by me (rather, the situation), but as often happens in these circumstances, the 'safe person' (ie me, their Mum) cops it (I am fairly sure they don't have these conversations with their father).
Whilst D22 agrees with me that D24's party (as now proposed) is not the right setting for a 'first meeting' (and she says SHE doesn't want to be there in that situation either), she agrees with her sister that I 'have to do this at some stage'. For some reason both of them have built up a great significance around 'the first meeting' between OW and me. I'm not sure what they think will happen, but they seem to think that once I have 'done it once' the next times will be easier. But I think they mean easier for them (although likely they think easier for me as well)? I think D24 thinks that she will be having an engagement party not too far away and she is terrified that 'THE FIRST MEETING' will be then (!!!) and that instead of enjoying herself she will be worried about what will happen (!!!). I'm sure there will also be worry about how I will be feeling... but I get the impression (maybe unfairly?) that she is more concerned with how she will be feeling. There is definitely starting to emerge, a slight vibe from them of: 'it's been 5 years, you should be more OK with all this now, we know other people whose parents have gotten over it way quicker'.
There were comments made about it 'always being about me and how I'm feeling' when we have family functions. This is so devastating for me as I try really hard NOT to make it about me. I try to just quietly fit in and make it easier for everyone to not have their day disrupted (I try to quietly slip out early). I get the impression again, that these feelings they are having are not so much about what I do but rather, again, about how shi**y the whole situation is.
They hate that it is like this now. They hate that they have to make sure they stay longer at functions than they might have wanted to so that they can spend enough separate time with their father and also me (so they don't feel guilty). They hate that they have to choose which parent can attend their own functions/parties. They hate that they can't have Christmas day at D24's because it would mean one parent couldn't come or it'd have to be a split day and that would make them stressed and sad because they know one of us (myself or their dad) would be upset (and they would feel guilty). They hate that they feel like they need to be responsible for how their parents are feeling. I can't blame them for any of those feelings. It really is a shi**y situation. I know many families have to cope with these types of situations. That doesn't make their feelings any less relevant.
To complicate the situation further, D22 wants me to be OK with being in the same room as her dad and OW... but
she doesn't want to have to ever be in a room with her dad and me and OW. Because it feels weird and awkward and she hates it. So she wants me to be OK with it. But she still won't be OK with it.
But she understands that D24 would be OK with it, so she's siding with her on 'you are gonna have to do this mum'.
Really they just want it all to go
away and for SOMEONE to just
fix it all so it doesn't feel weird and awkward and horrible any more. Arghhhh!
I was shaken and distraught after the conversation (where nothing was really resolved). The next morning I had a small fight with my sister (she started lecturing me... long story and this post is already long enough). And a convo with M which ended a tiny bit frostily when, after he implied that my girls were 'bullying' me 'but he would keep his opinion to himself on that', he got slightly defensive when I said not to judge them too harshly because he didn't know (you can imagine but never know) what being a kid from a split family was like, and that it always effects kids no matter how careful you are.
(In very good news M is a very thoughtful person and we talked about it later in depth and worked through how we were both feeling. He said he just feels protective of me and didn't like that they were pressuring me.).
It blew over with D22 the next day (who remember lives with me) and we had a lovely time going to the movies on Wed night. Then the next morning, when I asked her (over the phone) if she'd heard anything from D24 (because she hadn't answered my message), we had another long, convoluted and draining conversation about it all. But I think we both moved forward in the end in 'getting it all out' and understanding more where we are both at.
Her thoughts: a) 'this needs to happen before something big like an engagement party', b) she agrees that the currently proposed idea (at D24's party) isn't the right setting (and that I shouldn't go)... but she also asks c) 'but when WILL another function happen that WILL be the right setting?! (so... I
should go... OR find a way to fix everything... somehow...)'. I asked her straight out: "Well then, tell me precisely what you want me to do". Her reply: "I don't know". Mine: "I don't know either. It's not like I'd ever throw a party myself and invite them!".
Grrrr, why is it all still so hard?! And why is it all so unfair?! I didn't WANT any of this. I didn't CAUSE any of this (directly anyway).
My mum and both my SILs are supportive and understand why I'm not ready to go to D24's party under those conditions. I suggested to D24 that her GMa (my mum) and my sister and her H could come as well so I felt I had some support. She didn't reply to me until this morning. Just said she didn't want to invite more people and that she'd try to organise a larger family party in the new year. So for now it's on the back-burner it seems. The only good thing about all this is I've been forced to start thinking about it (so I will be more prepared in future); my girls and I have started to work through some of it (even if we're pretty crap at it); M is proving to be a fine fella (and I feel very lucky to have met him); and I'm very lucky to have supportive friends and family (xH's and mine). God this stuff is tough, even 5 years down the track.
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Wish You Well