[Evermore]

Thank you all for your thought provoking replies.

After hearing about your ‘why’s’ Ever, I am curious as to what your D’s ‘why’ is.  Why doesn’t she want to be around ow?

Sorry H&F I might not have explained that very well. D22 doesn't want to be in the same room as me and her dad. Of course the 'me, xH and OW' version is not something she wants to be part of either! It's sad to me that she feels that way, but it's how she feels. She also prefers not to be around OW but doesn't have much choice in that as she (and her sister) would never require him to leave her out (and she's always wherever he is  ). They would consider that would be rude (they'd also never ask me not to bring M to something). They also don't want to hurt their dad. I know I know, they're happy to ask things of me that cause me pain. What they really want is for it NOT to cause me pain. None of us are in control of that. 

[toomanytearss]

I think sometimes we forget how hard this is in our grown children. It hits them differently in some ways than we imagine.
Remember what we’ve learned here. The biggest part of our fear and hurt is the loss of the future we imagined.

I think our older kids maybe go through the same thing. Their vision of their parents happily growing old together. Their kids learning at our knees. Spending holidays together and baking cookies with their kids. You know all those wonderful thoughts that we put in our heads.

Not only have our futures been drastically changed so have theirs.

Their fear of loss is also heightened. I’m sure much of what they feel is to protect their mom from more pain. As much as we hate our children to go through pain they feel the same about us.

Maybe your daughter is trying to protect you and also herself. If she had to see you both ion the same place together but not together - that might be too hard for her right now. It might hurt that her dreams of the future are so drastically changed. Or maybe the situation makes her feel too uncomfortable right now.

Maybe keeping things as separate as possible helps her compartmentalize and deal with this new way of life.

Have you asked her why she feels that way?  Maybe she will share her feelings about it with you.

I

[Evermore]

Have you asked her why she feels that way?

TMT, D22 has always been scared of gushy overt emotions. I think her fear is that I would be emotional and that she would then also feel emotional.

It's all a moot point anyway... because I went to the party, xH and OW showed up after a few hours... and it was no big deal. 

I wasn't bothered at all (and in fact felt a bit sorry for the both of them; they were fairly obviously feeling more unsure in the situation than I was).

When they arrived we were out on the back deck and I was shielded from them coming out the back door by M and one of D24... sorry D25s! friends. D22 and extra-kid D23 were sitting facing us and the door. They got all 'they're here, they're here' whispery to me and D22 looked a little uncomfortable. D23 was being funny and making sly 'upper cut' motions at me and winking to diffuse the tension, haha. xH was greeted everyone and then came straight over to M and introduced himself and OW (with a firm handshake). Then came around M and gave me his standard hug and kiss on the head (I'm short!) and said 'thanks pet-name-for-Ever' with great sincerity.

We all got back to mingling (it was easy and no big deal to steer clear of OW, enough other people to chat to) until it was cake time. After D25 blew out her candles and we'd (badly) sung Happy Birthday, xH made a brief speech where he said something like 'it's been a bit of a $h!te time the past few years' (or something like that, it was M that picked up that he'd said that and told me after that he found it interesting). Then he went on to include me in the speech and talk about 'we' and 'our daughter'. Honestly, if you didn't know we weren't together and you heard the speech you'd think we still were.  Of course he did this also at D25's 20th party, which was only a couple of months after he had BD'd me (no OW there at that one), so I wasn't really surprised. He's consistently wanted to feel like we are still a 'family' (keeping the family health insurance is another way he does this). Reflecting, if I was OW I would have felt pretty uncomfortable in that scenario. But I'm not OW and I felt completely at ease. So weird after all my fear of what it would feel like.

M was a legend. There when I needed him, mingling and talking to the girls' friends. THEN, towards the end of the evening (well for us, we left about 9.30), I was inside talking with the three girls and D23's BF... and we look out onto the deck and see xH go up to M and start chatting. They chatted for at least half an hour. We were all laughing (inconspicuously of course) at how strange it all was!   

When I felt it was time to leave I went up to M (while xH was still standing with him) and asked smilingly if he was ready to go. I then 'made the rounds' to say goodbye to people. Got hugs and 'bye D25's Mum!' from all her friends. OW was chatting with D25's BF's mum and it would have been rude not to go say goodbye to her (D25's BF's mum that is!). So I marched up and gave her a hug and said goodbye. Then turned vaguely to OW and said 'Bye, nice to meet you' with a smile and walked back to M and xH. He gave me a hug goodbye and off we toddled. We laughed all the way home at how easy it was and how weird because it wasn't really that weird.

One final thing that made me happy was that after those first initial moments, it was clear that my girls were feeling relieved. So that's a good thing. They can stop bugging me now, haha. SIL2 called me just as M and I got home. I'd told her I was going to the party yesterday when she called me to invite us to her and BIL's Xmas BBQ next weekend (xH and OW will also be there). Yesterday I told her I'd wait to see how I felt after the party last night. Last night when she called I said we'd definitely come and that I would be completely fine. Ironically I predict that xH and OW will, at some stage, start wishing they hadn't wanted me to be OK with attending the same functions as them. 

[Treasur]

No right to be, but very proud of you for facing down that fear bc it sounds as if it was important to you  well done. Sounds like a win for you and, as you say, perhaps a dose of reality with a dash of vinegar for xh and ow. Reading it, I found myself wondering if the xh feels more like an xh than an h now? And how nice that M had your back in a nice adult way, that’s lovely.

Wouldn’t be surprised though if xh or ow test your ‘how much family are we now’ boundaries though, so you might want to keep an eye or how much is enough and no more for you if they do….just bc it’s so very textbook…. ….i’m guessing that you’re not looking for xh and ow to be new BFFs?

[FrenchHusband]

Great story Evermore, I am so glad for you that it turned well. You have faced your fears and made it.

And the final words ! I could not help but laughing outloud for somes seconds after reading it.

Yesterday I told her I'd wait to see how I felt after the party last night. Last night when she called I said we'd definitely come and that I would be completely fine. Ironically I predict that xH and OW will, at some stage, start wishing they hadn't wanted me to be OK with attending the same functions as them. 

Thank you for having shared this event here, you give me joy and courage for the day.

[Reinventing]

No right to be, but very proud of you for facing down that fear bc it sounds as if it was important to you  well done.

Me too! And also agree with the testing the boundary alert from Treasur as well.

It was touching to hear how your Ds helped at the moment of xH and OW arrival to lessen the impact of that moment. They love you very much.

Beat of all, your Ds sound like they had a great time.

FH, yes, I also laughed at that and was glad I hadn't just taken a sip of something to drink before reading that line.

[UrsaMajor]

-ess

[hopeandfaith]

I am so proud of you and so thrilled for you and the girls. I know you have wanted them to be happy as much as anything. You’re a baddie!

I definitely wouldn’t be surprised if ow starts shrinking just that little bit more. Exh is probably gonna come alive a little bit because his guilt is lessened and he is also ironically getting a bit more facetime with one of his best friends. Ursa, can you find a lead balloon gif to show how this would go down with the ow.

[Evermore]

Thank you Treasur, FH, Reinventing, UM and my dear F&H.

No right to be, but very proud of you for facing down that fear bc it sounds as if it was important to you  well done. Sounds like a win for you and, as you say, perhaps a dose of reality with a dash of vinegar for xh and ow. Reading it, I found myself wondering if the xh feels more like an xh than an h now? And how nice that M had your back in a nice adult way, that’s lovely.

Wouldn’t be surprised though if xh or ow test your ‘how much family are we now’ boundaries though, so you might want to keep an eye or how much is enough and no more for you if they do….just bc it’s so very textbook…. ….i’m guessing that you’re not looking for xh and ow to be new BFFs?

Yes, it was something that was important to me to do (because it was important to those I love and who love me).

Re whether xh feels more like an xh than an h now... maybe a little? It still waxes and wanes a bit. More waning though than waxing I think these days, so moving in a sensible direction.

Nope, definitely not looking for them to be my BFFs. I don't think they'll try to be. But I guess we will see (xh did FB-like the lovely pic that was taken of M and myself at the party (that I made my profile pic)  ). 

It was touching to hear how your Ds helped at the moment of xH and OW arrival to lessen the impact of that moment. They love you very much.

It was very sweet of them and I very much appreciated it.

Exh is probably gonna come alive a little bit because his guilt is lessened and he is also ironically getting a bit more facetime with one of his best friends. Ursa, can you find a lead balloon gif to show how this would go down with the ow.

As mentioned, he was seemingly very happy that I was there and made sure to 'like' and comment on my HBD to D25 post and to 'like' my new profile pic. I think you are right that a lot of his 'coming alive' (in the sense of 'increased energy') is to do with a lessening of guilt. I think he has felt guilt for 'busting up the family' (not just our little one but the whole shebang). He knows it's been hard on everyone. So I think he will feel better that I now feel I can attend his family's functions and that we don't all have to do the 'who's coming when' dance any longer (well not all the time anyway). I too have a feeling though that the relief might be short lived if we continue to cross paths and OW gets 'over it'.   

[UrsaMajor]

Ursa, can you find a lead balloon gif to show how this would go down with the ow.

Best I could do...


But I was thinking more like