[KeepItTogether]

Those seemingly innocuous "HBD" messages are huge triggers. As you say, without the "xx", it seems spiteful. But then, he also sent the message. Makes us question EVERYTHING.  Yours went from clinger to semi-vanisher. Mine did the same. But always with these little anchor checks every so often. They do it to see where we are. Take the temp. Remind us they are still there. And in a way, to make sure we are right where they left us. Even if we aren't. It is exhausting, especially when we read into it. Which is something I do every single time. Getting better though.

My H committed to his new life and told so many lies that now that he wants to "go back to his old life" he is finding it challenging. Mostly b/c he likely told everyone we were divorced. Now what? Takes an inordinate amount of humility to get through that one. And maturity. which I do not think they have.  SO they go with it as long as they can until they can't. And who knows when they get there. If ever.

The tightrope analysis is spot on.

[Evermore]

So my birthday day weirdness: (I will try to be brief, but I'm not very good at it, sorry, TL:DR: they say things come in threes).

1) D22 and my mum took me for lovely brunch on the morning of my BDay. Extra D22 works at the cafe we went to so I could see her too (D24 and SIL had had a very big night the night before (wedding) so weren't up to coming). Whilst they were ordering for me my Dad called me. After he wished me a HBday I asked how he was and he said he was ok... but that he was in ICU in hospital because he'd had emergency surgery the day before to remove a portion of dead bowel!!! AND that his heart had stopped during the op and they'd spent 3 minutes doing CPR to bring him back!!!

He's apparently fine now and on the mend. It's still shocking though that he bloody nearly died and I didn't even find out until the next day! Good one dad. I have a weird relationship with my Dad. We're kinda close... but very distant at the same time. I've spoken to him more this year than I have in many years (because he had a heart scare in Jan). Some years I might only have spoken with him one time. He does live 700km away (but this is Aus where that is just a weekend trip!). More and more I feel like the relationship my kids have with H is morphing from very close and also very involved/interactive, to the same kind of distant relationship I have with my dad. A very sad thing and something I would have bet a trillion dollars wouldn't have happened.

2) D22 and I then went to the Gold Class cinema that night (where you sit in pairs of recliners and there's only 12 sets of them and a waiter bring you food and drinks through the movie, it's so cool! We love it.). We saw (well mostly saw...) the new Dungeons and Dragons movie (I highly recommend) and sat right at the front in the middle (we're weird and love to sit there so that we feel like we're IN the movie).

About 3/4 the way through we could hear someone talking loudly on their phone and were like, WTF? D22 peered behind us and the poor man directly behind us was having some sort of episode! He was unconscious and the lady talking was a cinema staff member on the phone to the ambos. After about 5min they stopped the movie and asked us all to head to the waiting area. The ambos came with a stretcher and went in. After about 10 min they came and told us that they were going to refund us all but sorry, they were cancelling the movie (understandably!). Those poor poor people. His wife must have been beside herself. I still don't know the outcome (hoping he was OK).

3) There was an earthquake in a neighbouring town. I didn't feel it as I was driving at the time; and it was only pretty small (but still got social media buzzing! LOL); but I'm using this as my '3rd thing of 3' to get rid of the 'things come in threes' ju-ju!!!

So that was my weird BDay. It was a lovely day for me (just not such a great day for others). Also last night all my girlies (and 2 of their partners) took me out to dinner. It was rowdy and loud and fun. They're such great people. H is missing so much of this family time. Silly man.

[Evermore]

Those seemingly innocuous "HBD" messages are huge triggers. As you say, without the "xx", it seems spiteful. But then, he also sent the message. Makes us question EVERYTHING.  Yours went from clinger to semi-vanisher. Mine did the same. But always with these little anchor checks every so often. They do it to see where we are. Take the temp. Remind us they are still there. And in a way, to make sure we are right where they left us. Even if we aren't. It is exhausting, especially when we read into it. Which is something I do every single time. Getting better though.

My H committed to his new life and told so many lies that now that he wants to "go back to his old life" he is finding it challenging. Mostly b/c he likely told everyone we were divorced. Now what? Takes an inordinate amount of humility to get through that one. And maturity. which I do not think they have.  SO they go with it as long as they can until they can't. And who knows when they get there. If ever.

The tightrope analysis is spot on.

Yep, lots of similarities in our stories. I also think that my H (who actually isn't my H but whatever, apparently it doesn't matter either way, ask your H!) has made so many promises and told everyone how much he loves his new life, that backtracking on that will be very difficult for him. Maybe courage he doesn't have. If he ever even wants to. Unlike your H, mine has never said that he 'wants his family back' etc. It's all subtle messages, which yep, can drive us crazy. I think I'm also a bit better now at musing a little on these things but not letting them control my day to day. I know it looks here like it's all I think about and that I'm obsessing. But I'm really not. I don't talk to anyone IRL about it these days (well rarely). So you guys are it!

Re your H KIT and his dunk back into MLC-land, I had been hoping from your lack of posting that you were off, busy IRL working through stuff with him, and that things were going well. I'm very sad for you that it's all still so ridiculously messy and crap. I love love love how YOU are though. I hope one day to get to that 'meh, moving forward' calmness you have (and think I will, I can feel it sometimes). I'm also so glad you have such a great relationship with your S16 so you can help him dealing with his feelings/anxieties. Thank heavens for the stable parents!

[MadLuv]

So glad your Dad is on the mend. My Dad open heart surgery. Triple by pass and said NOT A WORD!!!  He recovered to then only get cancer again that he did not say a word until he was in the stage of it not being survivable. i still cant get past the craziness of it and he has been gone since 2005.

On relationships and repeating themselves..isn’t that crazy how you can try your best to break cycles And not repeat history to only find out in many ways we have no control of it? 

[Evermore]

Thanks ML. My dad is home from hospital now and sounds like he's on the mend, thank heavens.

Update: In true MLC form H has quit his job and I don't think has a new job firmly lined up. SIL1 told me last week.

It's normal these days that each month when our family health insurance premium comes out of our joint account (if you can call it normal that we still have family health cover and a joint bank account when we are D'd and he's living with cOW), that about a week into the new month I send a reminder text to xH (I'm practising so small x for now to get me used to calling him that  ). He always replies immediately and puts the money straight into the account. This month crickets. No money and no message.

I thought it was a bit weird so mentioned it to SIL1. That's when she told me that xH had just told her that he had quit because the stress of his job was 'impacting his health'. He's very good at his job but I'm sure it would be very stressful (he's a site manager for large construction/civil projects often in charge of 20 or more tradies). I had thought though that this particular job was perfect for him and that he would be staying there for a long time. It's a smaller family-run company and he was in charge of everything. It would have been less paperwork (which he finds very stressful) and apparently he got on very very well with the family owners.

So I'm actually very surprised that he's quit. Apparently he's going to be contracting/subbying. That is possible to do in his line of work. But it's not at all stable work. Going from a stable income to that kind of instability in this financial climate would obviously be very stressful. And also remembering that he and cOW are only renting which would make that instability even more stressful. It's quite telling of his current mental health therefore that he just couldn't stay there and chose the stress of financial instability over a stable job.

He's already bought a new car (because he had a work ute and therefore no vehicle after leaving). It's only a cheap sedan (rather than a big ute which is always his preference in vehicles). That and not paying the health insurance money (and not even messaging me) is pretty telling about his current finances. Sadly everything looks to be very much unravelling for him right now. He's obviously feeling embarrassed about that because he hasn't told our girls or FIL, and I'm not sure if he's told BIL and SIL2 (they might know but usually SIL2 would tell me those types of things and I've seen her/talked with her quite a bit the past few weeks).

I know many will say 'consequences' and all that but I'm so sad for him. And worried about him. I hope he can get himself sorted. I was saying to my dear H&F the other day that for the past year I've felt this 'neutral' vibe from him. This time last year (April and May) he turned towards me a bit. We had a lot of interaction and he even made a pass at me. Then in July/Aug last year I could feel him turned away again to a more 'neutral' stance. But this past month or so it's felt like he's turned further away from me, like he has his back to me. I was wondering why that was and now I guess I know.

[xyzcf]

Things are not linear in the world of MLC. Sometimes they may seem as though they are coming closer, only to turn away. It is very confusing for us.

I have experienced times that we spend together, several days and when that time ends, like clockwork, he will become distant. He withdraws contact. It has happened so many times  that I now expect it will happen, I am prepared  for it. I learned that these times do not mean he is turning back towards me. It is a difficult lesson but acceptance helps me to continue moving along with my life, my hopes and plans.

It is understandable that you worry about him. In your mind, he doesn’t seem to be making good choices.

But as you already know, there isn’t anything that  you can say or do. He is on his own journey as are you.

I hope that you can get the money needed to cover the monthly medical insurance for you and your family.

[Evermore]

It is understandable that you worry about him. In your mind, he doesn’t seem to be making good choices.

But as you already know, there isn’t anything that  you can say or do. He is on his own journey as are you.

I hope that you can get the money needed to cover the monthly medical insurance for you and your family.

Yes, I do know there's nothing I can say or do. I still worry though. But it doesn't stop me living my life and moving forward, so that's progress.

(Re the health insurance money, it's not an issue for me. He will pay eventually.)

[Treasur]

I'm practising so small x for now to get me used to calling him that 

Well done on this ^^^
Many of us had a time when we found the words that go along with this experience hard. I remember a time here in 2016 when newscasters would use the word ‘divorce’ in the context of Brexit and just the word would make me shake....
But it is a reflection of reality - regardless of how you feel about him - and imho recovery is best built on factual realities. So, well done you!

Can you cover the health insurance costs on your own if his financial situation does not improve?
It isn’t fair, of course, but other LBS here have been in similar situations and chosen pragmatically that it is best for their peace of mind to work round it rather than get lawyers involved to enforce obligations from an MLCer.

[Evermore]

I'm practising so small x for now to get me used to calling him that 

Well done on this ^^^
Many of us had a time when we found the words that go along with this experience hard. I remember a time here in 2016 when newscasters would use the word ‘divorce’ in the context of Brexit and just the word would make me shake....
But it is a reflection of reality - regardless of how you feel about him - and imho recovery is best built on factual realities. So, well done you!

Can you cover the health insurance costs on your own if his financial situation does not improve?
It isn’t fair, of course, but other LBS here have been in similar situations and chosen pragmatically that it is best for their peace of mind to work round it rather than get lawyers involved to enforce obligations from an MLCer.

It's definitely something I'm not enjoying. But yes, necessary

Re the health insurance, yes I can afford to cover the fee. It's not at all enforceable anyway (in fact I've asked him in the past several times if he'd like to remove himself from the policy but he's always refused. If he wanted to it would be simple.). So I'm fine with continuing to pay for now.

[Treasur]

I sometimes feel that part of our role here is to model compassion until other LBS get the hang of self-compassion  and one of the basic blocks of self-compassion is noticing our own, or someone else’s, achievements no matter how small it might seem in normal life sometimes, isn’t it? Those small things can be really quite big steps in our own recovery.  Along with changing how we talk about ourself to ourself to something honest but kinder  . I know that I needed a lot of kindness - and then self-kindness - after an extended life experience that was so very unkind.

Great that his contribution is not necessary.....perhaps it may even be a time to start considering changing some of those residual links to an xH if you feel ready and if it does not financially hurt you? Bc, you’re right, it may be a bit odd to maintain a joint account post-divorce? Tbh I think for most of us the real process of emotional detachment really kicks off post-divorce bc it reflects a factual reality of how life is.....and often those small residual parts of an old life helps us do detachment as we begin to experiment with feeling our own version of detachment.  Imho same goes for those ‘windows’ into what he is doing via your SiL.....it creates a feeling of worry for you but as xyzcf said, and you know, there is nothing at all that you can do about his choices and your opinion of them is not likely to be giving you anything useful in your own life perhaps.

I do think it is possible to tuck away some feeling of love and compassion whilst also detaching from having any role to play in their life as it stands....but for many of us, that needs a bit of time, distance and perhaps not knowing what they are doing in their new life? It’s like breaking a habit, I think......small steps, bit by bit, replacing it with a new habit until the new habit feels more familiar, much like changing any other old habits that no longer serve us so well maybe  And it seems pretty reasonable to me that decades of an old way of doing things might take a good bit of time to chip away at, right?