[LettingGo]

BirdHouseinmySoul, you sound very wise.... your husband will probably come around, but it won't be soon. Do something nice for yoursel every day!! You'll be surprised at how different things are in a few months... not necessarily GOOD, but different and maybe better, LOL!! ((hugs)) LG

[Tsunami]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts everyone. 

Most importantly, thank you Hearts Blessing for doing a drive-by and telling it like it is, we all appreciate reading your words of wisdom.

[Mamma Bear]

   Hi Bird, Don't worry. He's in the thick of that stupid tunnel. God's got it. My H who seems cycle city right now has his head up his a** now also. BD OW 2-14-11
   Steven Spielberg is directing them. They think "Since I told my FEW friends that my W was making me unhappy. I better look happy or what I just did (ABANDON) will look really mean and selfish."
    "If I look HAPPY they will think I was correct"
     "I am not real. OW is not REAL."
     Please know that you are not at fault and H is seeing his misery but like a teenager who took the parent's car out w/out permission he knows when he brings it back he's grounded. So They are running around like a**holes trying to think of what to do next. Plus "Where's my keys where's my socks?" on top of that. I don't for one minute think that my H who sent me cards that said "It took me 35 years to find you I'll never let you Go"  (throughout our marriage)
  would just happen to run down the street and CRASH right smack into his SOULMATE You don't have to be Colombo to figure this out
     If we be strong Lighthouses they look over at us and wonder
    "WTF What is it about her? Why did I leave? What if she leaves? I am scared. Where are my keys and socks?"   PEACE

[Foxberry]

I only see my ex at work these days and I think most people think he seems fine.  They do agree though that he looks terrible (bags under the eyes, gaunt and looking ten years older - ironically he looked young for his age before!).  He is always very jolly with everyone (over jolly I think).  However, he was always very good at not showing his real feelings.  He hated family occasions but noone but me ever realised as he put such a good front on appearing to be enjoying it all.  I therefore find it quite difficult to tell if he is genuinely happy or just faking it.  However, his appearance does rather give him away.

As Glimmer says, he now seems to enjoy things he didn't like before and doesn't like things that he used to like.  I think it's just a desperate attempt to reinvent themselves.

Oh boy Chrysallis, I could have written this! but then you know my story too.... I have recently shown a photo of my H I took on 6 May to family and friends and they look at me in disbelief! OMG they say, is that happiness!! he looks dreadful!   

My H is so "happy" that OW got on his nerves with her moodiness and pressure to clear out our home of his possessions...now everything has changed - he's now back with OW and wanting to clear our his possessions.   My H actually said those words to me that Glimmer said "When I left I had to reinvent myself"  he's certainly succeeded everything about him has changed from his comfy slippers he loved to these flip-fop Isotoners?, to wearing oversized jackets that look far too big and very trendy glasses.....he has become a stranger.... how can he be happy when his Son has told him he never wants to see him again and is ashamed to call him his Father?   From the way he talks, acts, and looks I cannot believe that this is the man I loved and married.....

[BirdSoul]

Thanks, everybody, for your insights. HB, it is always so comforting to read your thoughts. LG: I'm trying to follow your advice about self-care. MB: I love "Where are my keys and socks?" LOL. Have a great day, everyone!

BH

[StandandDeliver]

My H looks awful most of the time too. He seems to have given up regular shaving (guess tramps'r'us likes a little bit of not-so-designer stubble or something) It actually makes him look unclean and ,with his dark rimmed glasses, a bit pervy too. He was always fresh-faced and handsome when we were together, but as Roald Dahl said,  it is impossible to tell what a man with a hairy beard looks like, or perhaps he would rather you did not know. Hiding his face in shame perhaps?

His eyes still often give the MLC game away - either they seem clear but with an evil "monster" glint in them, or they look dead like he is staring into the distance even when you are right next to him. I have seen photos that OW took of him and he is always gazing at the camera looking pathetically infatuated but in a kind of desperate way - it looks wimpy and not his genuine "love" face - although he would tell you it is. I have also heard him talk to her and his voice gets all syrupy and fake. I wonder how long he can sustain talking to someone like that? In my lighter moments it actually makes me laugh because he is so pathetic that he is not even the sort of man I would be interested in right now - and OW thinks she has won some sort of prize - the prize was the pre-MLC H and she never even knew him then. I got his best and she is getting nothing but an incredibly desperate and poor imitation of the the man he was... and actually, if he stays like that, she can keep him. 

[LettingGo]

Ok, well I just heard this morning that my husband spent the weekend at OW's because he felt sorry for her because her car broke down and he didn't want her to be stranded all weekend..... then he told me he hates her, can't stand her.... she's got a "tone" in her voice..... a "TONE".... and a way of speaking that reminds him of his MOTHER!  He told me she is abusive and using him because she thinks he "owes" her for moving her into an apartment she can't afford on her own but that he doesn't care anymore... she can take responsibility for HER PART IN IT!!

Just documented it all over on my thread, but wanted to share it HERE because I always wondered it the affair was about his R with his Mother, and it ISSSSSS!!!! How fun can that be? It's NOT!! He called her a pain in the a** and some other things, too.... in the past it would have been more posturing and fleeting.... then the "feelings" for her would return, but I'm getting a clearer picture now of where it all started and where it's headed.... straight to the DUMP cuz it stinks to high heaven!

NO, they are not having any fun..... and by the way, my husband has developed GOUT, ACID REFLUX and now ULCERS which he attributes to "self imposed STRESS".... that's right... he knows it's his mess and it's taking it's toll. So, again, they're not having fun.

Oh, and this morning I noticed his underwear had holes all in it and the elastic waist was torn halfway off.... and not from wild sex, either as he didn't have time to do laundry before coming home so this was a "fresh" pair..... I don't even think he notices! His hair looks awful, he's gained 20 pounds (so have I... plus the gray hair) his hair is turning gray.....never shaves anymore...doesn't sleep... yep. Sounds like fun to me!

[StandandDeliver]

LG - it is so strange how entangled they become - my H signed a  3 year lease with OW (they moved in a week after he left me and they had known each other for about 3 months) - watch him try to get out of that. I wonder if my H's R has to do with his mother too. She has always been a very forceful person in his life and he has never stood up to her. It is hard to imagine that that will ever happen the way he is now - that he will stand up to OW and to his M. 

[Foxberry]

Forgot to tell you all that when I was "packing his suitcase up to come home" with all his shirts I'd ironed!!!! (more fool me) I couldn't believe the different clothes I found.... it was like a suitcase you'd open at an airport, do you know what I mean? like looking through a stranger's case....

Also my H never put socks and underpants away....ever!  Now he wears socks with the day of the week on them (OMG) and he won't wear a pair that isn't the right day of the week! unbelievable... he folded his underwear and carefully put his socks together... it was so OCD I couldn't believe it....

H had changed so very much....physically and internally - I could barely breathe around him sometimes, it was like walking on eggshells most of the time.  I just didn't realise that a person could "change" so very much in 6 months.....

Fox xx

[Glimmer]

Isn't it funny, how they are so happy but look so awful.  My H has lost weight, I don't think he can possibly be eating properly, yet he tells me he always eats healthily.

 His hair is thinning on top and is now 50% grey, and he isn't a good colour at all.  He just looks completely exhausted the whole time, and more often than not he is close to falling asleep every time he is here.  There is always something wrong with him. usually it is stomach pains or upsets, he doesn't know why his stomach is always 'off, and he suffers from migraines.  Could be a tiny little bit of stress do you think  or not eating properly, or just plain guilt for what he is putting his family through, but he hasn't worked that out yet.  He thinks he may have a stomach ulcer. 

It couldn't possibly have anything to do with the hundreds of miles he travels each week, trying to keep his two parallel lives running as smoothly as he can, or the fact that he has to constantly remember which head he is wearing at any given time. It's a piece of cake really, no pressure at all.