[StandandDeliver]

Ready

Happiness is like love, it is a fleeting feeling that comes and goes. Contentment is a stronger feeling that comes from realization of one's own personal self. It is of acceptance and based upon love. It comes from within and not regulated by outside forces.

Very eloquently put - it seems so obvious to those of us not in crisis. I remember having several convos last year with H about this topic (me= clueless about MLC). H saying, "are you happy?" me saying "sometimes, but mainly I am content". H saying "don't you want to be happy?" me saying "happiness is a feeling, it is fleeting, it comes and goes, like other feelings, contentment is a state of being that allows for all the feelings normal to everday life to flit by, but means that underlying it I am glad that this is my life". H, looking annoyed, confused and a bit disgusted with this response.

It is so strange that people have this idea of being permanently happy, like that could even represent the complexity of life. I know I have a melancholy streak, but nonetheless, I think I would have to kill myself if everyone walked around in a state of permanent "happiness" - can you imagine the inane grins on everyone's faces? It would be like some parallel universe.  How can a world which is impermanent, which encapsulates good and bad, wealth and poverty, sickness and health, life and death, be addressed with a face of constant happiness? Where is the depth in that? What possible good could someone who is blind to the full gamut of feelings and emotions possibly do in this world? What wisdom could they give or gain? Contentment with life seem to me to be the highest goal, not happiness which is blind to much of reality. Contentment allows for acceptance of the unpredictability of life. Happiness requires us to be blind to it for a moment or two.

I have had a couple glasses of wine with my Mum this evening - does it show? 

[Mamma Bear]

    Another angle I see in my H is that when he started being depressed he turned to me to fix it. I didn't know. In hindsight it was kind of like when you read about new fathers being jealous of all the attention the new baby gets.
    Even though ours Ds are 9 and 11 they totally consumed our forties.  H just had this sense of entitlement like "what about me?"  Now he can have all of ugly ows attention. Me and the girls are busy doing our lives without him. (for now)

[Trustandlove]

I read the bit about seeking contentment as meant for us, the LBSs....  we, too, must remember that the holy grail is contentment, not that rush of happiness when our spouse "returns".  Of course we all hope and wish for that, and a number here do have their spouse turning the corner and staying with the marriage, but I think Ready meant that it is US who must remember not to aim only for that rush of happiness. 

[Mamma Bear]

 I usually start each and every day with a rush of happiness. Well until all of this MLC stuff.  THEN AS THE TROUBLES OF LIFE ROLL IN WE ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES. AS BEST AS WE CAN.
  I TRULY BELIEVE IF H DOESN'T COME BACK IT IS HIS LOSS. NOT MINE

[Glimmer]

StandandDeliver

I have also had conversations with my H regarding happiness. At BD when he announced he was leaving because 'he just wanted to do things for himself', I asked him if he was happy. His reply at the time was 'I am not particularly unhappy, just not happy'. Like you I can imagine what we would all look like in a permanent state of happiness.  Not to mention the aching jaw from all that smiling.

On the other hand a few months ago during a R talk initiated by H, (as they always are), I asked him again if he was happy.  His answer this time was 'Not really'.  So he has given up his family and his home, to spend most of his spare time with OW, and it sounds as if he is more unhappy than he was before.  Just part of MLC logic I suppose.

[Trustandlove]

My H went through quite a long period of not really being happy, of saying that his life was out of balance (this was already over 2 years post BD); it's only now that he says he is "truly happy ", having met OW5. 

I, as an LBS, am at risk of "believing it all", as RCR says, even after all this time.   I have no idea what is really happening (and yes, I do remember that he was just that nuts about me at one point), so the only thing to do is to pull back, pull back, pull back. 

[Foxberry]

The MLCer is chasing happiness and even may state they are happy. But inside, the same issues are there and they are like a coke addict. Maybe this line will take them to the happy place forever. But the high fizzles and the addict needs another line, and another line. The rainbow is there, but they can never catch it.

I don't focus on my w's happiness or unhappiness. I even ask her how she feels and she states, "I'm fine." Even when I don't ask her, "I'm fine. I'm fine." The words roll off her tongue in a defense of the walls that she has built to seperate herself from me.

The only advice I can bring to this is that it is not the pursuit of happiness by the MLCer, it is learning to achieve contentment of our own lives with or without the spouse. Happiness is like love, it is a fleeting feeling that comes and goes. Contentment is a stronger feeling that comes from realization of one's own personal self. It is of acceptance and based upon love. It comes from within and not regulated by outside forces.

Both the MLCer and the LBSer seek unattainable happiness. They seek happiness by running to something new and we stand around feeling that as soon as they return, happy days will be here again. Both are fantasies.

The LBSer has the upper advantage. We are able to look at ourselves and make the purposeful changes necessary to redirect ourselves and seek contentment. Ours is a transition. Changing a flight midway to our destination. You get off the plane and you want to make sure you can get to the right gate at the right time. You sit and wait to make your connection.The MLCer misses the flight completely. Sitting in the airport fuming and blaming everyone but themselves.

I really think that we waste too much time pondering happiness when we really should be pondering contentment and acceptance of ourselves. ((((Hugs))) and just my kind of lost words and rambling.

Dear Ready,

Wise words indeed     The only words my H seemed to say all the time was "I'm not happy" ; "I'm unhappy"; "nobody sees it from my point of view" "OW makes me happy" etc., etc.,   It's all about happiness isn't it?  I don't remember my H (even at his most vile over Easter and the week following) saying "I don't love you"  or "I love OW"    -  Love doesn't seem to come into it - it's this "happy" thing, like a drug or something and something that only THEY are owed... no-one else's happiness matters from the LBS to their children...it seems to be about making OW/OM happy and their families..... Not the people who have devoted their lives to their marriages. 

One of the reasons my H gave me for "dumping" OW at Easter was that OW was moody and would sulk for a whole day and when H asked her what was wrong she would say nothing to do with you.... that made him "unhappy" amazing...only lived with her for 5 months and already OW is making him "unhappy"......

I would love to know when I'm going to be happy again....

Love and hugs
Fox xxxx

[truth_seeker]

I would love to know when I'm going to be happy again....

I know how you feel.  My H has been gone for 6 months now but I can say I became happy when I no longer put the focus on H & OW but instead put it back on me and my kids.  Granted, I haven't been at this nearly as long as a lot of others but I have learned from what I've read here and taken the advice of the wise veterans ahead of me.  When you start doing things for YOU and choose your thoughts on the positive (however small), you WILL start to find some happiness. 

I love to laugh, always have but until this happened to me I never realized how much I loved to laugh.  Make time to laugh. Go outside and breath the fresh air.  Pray, meditate, play and hang out with your friends and family.  I promise you'll feel better and it will have a trickle affect on your life.  I am now a STRONG believer in we get what we put out.  Put out positive thoughts and whenever you get the urge to go to the negative, redirect your thoughts to the positive.  Keep doing it and practicing it.  I have mantras whenever I catch myself going to the negative.  Develop your own mantra. 

Hope this helps.  Believe me we know how you feel but only you can change your circumstances.  No one else can do it for you.

Much love to you. 

TS

[Standing in Patience]

But what if your h says.... he is blissfully happy? Never sees the children and no job. No responsibilities also.

Can it really be true? Or is it just another way to justify to himself (outloud) that he made the correct decision to leave w and children? I can't believe it still. I told him he was infatuated and real love is the love that takes a long time to cultivate and through the good times and bad times. What is he and other mlc smoking???

[Ibelieve]

My H keeps saying he is happy. I ask him if he is still happy in his situation with OW... He says yes.
He loves his job. It's his dream job that he got about 3 years ago. And he has not bought a new sports car.
and is not mean to me.. This is why I sometime doubt MLC..  But, I know from reading things here that he
is masking the real deal.

I always tell him he is just in that Honeymoon stage with OW.. Because he doesn't do anything he use to do and love. Like his hobbies and computer stuff. All of his stuff is here still. What will it be like when normal life sets in. Will they still like each other? or is that when he starts thinking about coming back? Hmmmm. just crazy stuff.