[marvin4242]

Well as its time to a new thread I wanted a title that better reflected where I am now. This is a twist on the old saying. The twist is that its not about blame, but about what I thought I had for all those years. Was most of it created and held up by me, did I see more in my relationship than was really there? Where I am now is that the answer doesn't matter, because everything we do is ultimately only as how we perceive it to be. The search for a "truth" is a bit silly really. I know that I am not fully aware of what is going on inside of me, I know for sure my wife didn't fully realize everything that was happening. So how can I search for a "truth" when these two things met in the middle?

Yeah a bit conceptual, but also true for me. All that mattered in the end was my experience of it all. The power was in what I felt I had, even if maybe it wasn't fully shared by my wife.

As for her a quick update: she has had her procedure for cancer, it seems to have gone well and she has handled it all better than I would have expected (but as I had hoped). Nothing really changed, there was no "awakening" or sudden "revelations." She still contacts me when she needs whatever it is she gets from me, and spends most of her time with the OM to get what she needs from him. We are all actors in her play. And she is still decorating and doing things to the house "we share" according to her, which is fine. That place is just a house now, it hasn't been home for a while. But it was for many years and for me it was the first "home" I had known. For that I will always be grateful as she was a big part of that.

A song that always comes to mind for me when I think of that: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZHs-SRJbzU

And the link to the previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11801.0

[Nas]

. We are all actors in her play.

It’s funny, I said something similar a while back on the vanishers thread about an old friend of mine who seems like she’s having an MLC. These folks seem to just view other people as part of a narrative in which they are the main character and everyone else is there to play a role. I think such a non-reciprocal approach to others must be an ultimately very lonely existence.

Great song. “Home” is something I think about a lot.

[UrsaMajor]

Attaching -

The whole "Everyone else is a bit player in my narrative" thing is so true about MLC'ers and Narcissists....

[Standing Strong]

Hey Marvin 

What is it with MLC'ers and cancer? Have you noticed that too? Someone MLC's-Out and then within a year or two *BAM* massive heath issue (often cancer).... or maybe it just seems like it happens a lot.

Glad she is doing well, and more glad that you are doing well. 

-SS

[Nas]

What is it with MLC'ers and cancer? Have you noticed that too? Someone MLC's-Out and then within a year or two *BAM* massive heath issue (often cancer).... or maybe it just seems like it happens a lot.

Interesting observation. It doesn’t seem that prevalent to me - I can’t name a single other instance that I have read of a person having an MLC and then shortly after being diagnosed with cancer. Breast cancer in middle age women, on the other hand, is all too prevalent.
There’s lots of research showing that allostatic load (the cumulative effects of long-term stress) is higher in those with childhood trauma. And anecdotally among LBS (because MLC has no clear definition and isn’t studied) those with childhood/complex trauma *seem much more likely to have MLC.  But I don’t think there’s any firm scientific evidence existing for complex trauma as a *cause* of cancer, though there is some evidence that complex trauma and higher allostatic load leads to poorer outcomes in those with cancer. 🤷‍♀️

[Treasur]

Actually, my thought was the opposite....quite a lot of stories here of MLCers imploding when LBS or family members are seriously sick....from what I can see the health effects for MLCers seem to be more about the consequences of particular lifestyle choices and time.

[marvin4242]

SS, as other have pointed out stress for anyone is a terrible health hazard. It seems from all the stories we read the stress that is put on the LBS as their entire life is blown up, both emotionally, financially and in every day life is incredibly high. And sadly as others pointed out it seems to impact them very negatively in health (as we see over and over). MLCers are under a lot of stress, but they also seem to disassociate a lot, so they may not be aware of it. It probably does impact their health negatively, but so do their life choices (again see all the stories of sudden "aging" and general demeanor). Difference is the LBS didn't make the choices that led to their stress.

I wanted to post an amusing "update." A couple of days ago I had a conversation with my "wife" where she wanted to know whether her OM could attend a private event I am hosting for fun with a group of friends. I indirectly waived the request off as the event has already been arranged and there is no more room. A couple of hours later I got a text asking whether I had an issue hanging out with the "OM" and whether I wanted to go to a trip with her and OM. I simply responded that it wasn't an option as the OM is not a friend and is not someone I know and hang out with.

Yup this is just another example of the non-reality of the MLCers "reality."

[One day at a time]

I wanted to post an amusing "update." A couple of days ago I had a conversation with my "wife" where she wanted to know whether her OM could attend a private event I am hosting for fun with a group of friends. I indirectly waived the request off as the event has already been arranged and there is no more room. A couple of hours later I got a text asking whether I had an issue hanging out with the "OM" and whether I wanted to go to a trip with her and OM. I simply responded that it wasn't an option as the OM is not a friend and is not someone I know and hang out with.

That's completely bonkers!!!! I really can't understand their way of thinking... I mean, seriously? 

[Nas]

Bonkers is the exact word that came to mind for me also, One Day.
I'd love to get in the head of some of these people.  As the LBS of a vanisher, I'm endlessly fascinated by how attached some MLCers continue to be to their pre-MLC lives, as opposed to vanishers who seek to erase it all.

[UrsaMajor]

I wanted to post an amusing "update." A couple of days ago I had a conversation with my "wife" where she wanted to know whether her OM could attend a private event I am hosting for fun with a group of friends. I indirectly waived the request off as the event has already been arranged and there is no more room. A couple of hours later I got a text asking whether I had an issue hanging out with the "OM" and whether I wanted to go to a trip with her and OM. I simply responded that it wasn't an option as the OM is not a friend and is not someone I know and hang out with.

Yup this is just another example of the non-reality of the MLCers "reality."