[KayDee]

Maybe you could take the pressure that is 'making a decision' off your shoulders for now. Sometimes, just the looming presence of A Decision can feel like a wretched burden. This situation, it has many moving parts - your parts are moving too  if I have learned one thing out of all this, it is to trust myself more. For me, if thinking about a certain action or decision was making me anxious, I concluded that it was not the right time for it (this about things I had control over, obviously. Not about things I needed to do for self-protection, like finances etc). I sense that you know you will be OK. If you can, trust that you will know when the time is right.  Removing The Decision Pressure will make you feel a lot calmer and focused about your next steps.

[MadLuv]

Do you have to choose? I think what you have to choose is you. Thats all. Mive forward. You dont have to leave the door ajar or close it. Just leave the doors off. Dont worry about if they are peaking thru or running from the door or slamming it shut. If they work through their issues and you are still available to try again the. You can and if your not, well then I guess that is a loss, but not one caused by you.

[Songanddance]

Reflecting on replay…….how long does it really last for a person that is so fundamentally traumatized by his childhood? I

Ok - let's clarify something.  Replay lasts as long as it lasts is the hard answer to hear.
However what you are also describing is the part of MLC that replay is a sub-set of:- Escape and Avoid.   Replay is usually the hard partying/OW/spending money like water/developing new expensive hobbies that don't last. Escape and Avoid is all of that but lasts a lot longer and can also last into reconnection until it is completely burned out of them.

I suspect that your H has been in escape and avoid for some time - it is always this that then escalates into replay and then usually after some years reverts back to escape and avoid.

Looking back at my H prior to BD he was clearly in escape and avoid for about 10 yrs before BD.  Amongst the many things he wanted to try was attempting a solo sail across the Atlantic.  He realised he couldn't do it alone so hired a small crew.  He bought a massive sea going yacht (with our daughter's university money on the promise that he would pay it back from his business; he did but only 5 yrs later)  and then he tried three times in 5 yrs - each was a failure ending up in the boat being so badly damaged in a storm. What did my H do - he flew home and paid for someone else to sort it all out. Yet again escaping and avoiding the truth of his actions and choosing not to be accountable. Then BD two years later the month after his mother died of Alzheimers (and he had frequently avoided going to the home to see her because he couldn't bear to see her that way; that ended up being my job) 

This is just an example of my H's MLC but escape and avoid also lasted during our reconnection and it's only last year after we separated that he has begun to realise what he has done and apologise repeatedly for every hurt that he caused me.  I'm now into 10 yrs after BD.  So, shockingly - it would seem that the time line of escape and avoid for my H lasted approx 15+ years.

My H also had FOO issues ; his dad died in front of him when he was 15, he lost an eye in an awful accident when he was 16, both his only grandparents died 6 months apart when he was also 16, he became an alcoholic when he was 18.  He sorted himself out a bit and then had a nervous breakdown when he was 22, married his first wife two years later - cheated on her twice etc....(then I met him after he had separated)
It never goes away but what MLC does is burn it out of them - in time.......
However it's not for you to wait - it's for you to move forward and observe from a distance. Detach so that you can see him for what he is - a broken person who needs to fix himself.

And for you to learn more about you than you ever thought possible and learn to love who you are and what you can be for you.

[Treasur]

What an interesting overview, Song.
I don’t think about it much now but, with hindsight, I think my h was always on a 2-3 year cycle looking for ‘something’. Me at first, then a new career, then buying a house, then getting married, then another different career, then moving to a rural house, renewing our vows, then another career change, another move, then another unsuccessful career change. All that changed was that I was part of the ‘solution’ not the ‘problem’….until I wasn’t. The change from one cycle to the other was usually marked by about 6-9 months of depression (that he would never seek help for) until the next cycle started. Presumably that cycle then went to ow, divorce, wedding, new house, maybe another career change….and the same depression dip about 2-3 years after..to be fair though I have no idea how or where he even lives now…but it seems sensible to assume that would be the case in the absence of info. I wonder if what makes MLC an even bigger thing than that kind of cycle is bc they really do take a flamethrower to the old in search of the new, so probably leave themselves hanging in mid air with a lot of damage rather if that doesn’t deliver. As that process wasn’t caused by me, or anything about me really, it seems rational to assume that my xh will have continued that cycling pattern just in a different place and with different players.

It’s a relentless hunt for an external fix really, isn’t it? I have no idea really what, if anything, causes someone to break that pattern. Maybe you just need to run out of energy or potential external fixes……. Ha ha, maybe there IS some magic fix they find, idk  I do know though that, even in my worst days, I knew any fixes lay in me not outwith and were likely built in small steps not magic leaps. Although I wished there was a magic leap out of the pain and confusion! But I can see how that hunting cycle of magic fixes, one after the other, could easily last someone 10/15 years on a 2-3 year rotation. Or a lifetime.

What I find more interesting maybe is the shift in my own perspective on it. How what I saw as the normal warp and weft and compromise of a married partnership I now see as more of a fatal flaw. I had no experience before BD of this kind of dysfunctional destructive behaviour up close, so I suspect I was rather naive about just how damaged my then h was by his FOO stuff. And of course I never imagined he would turn that destructive impulse on me, until he did.

I think life is safer and even easier without these kind of damaged folks in the centre of it sadly, much as I loved my then h. If my xh had ever returned, he would have had to love me more tbh bc after the horrors of BD I loved him less and no longer believed in the real value of his love as I once had. His actions broke something fundamental in me.  I take my hat off to any couple who manage to rebuild anything good on that kind of foundation bc that seems unlikely and remarkable to me now.

[MadLuv]

I also had a husband that constantly needed that next “fix or change” to fill something in him or to give him “hope”. Same, move, new location , house, promotions, etc etc etc….. I always knew it. I always understood it. I saw the flaws. I saw the insecurity. I think when he finally took a job that required travel was the change. More power. More people “women” giving him attention.

I also view things and our relationship differently now. I agree with my XH. I did carry the load. He did hide behind me, until he began to get attention from others and the didn’t need me and decided he resented me and saw me probably as controlling him and emasculating him. So far from the truth, but I can see how his damaged mind has allowed himself to to believe it and see it that way now.  All that really does help to step out of it and realize alot. Not only have we most likely did more than our fair share in the relationship, but that we can move forward with that knowledge.

[PhoenixRising75]

TY all for sharing. It’s oddly comforting to hear your stories about the cycles you witnessed, too. My younger, naive self 25 years ago was incredibly optimistic that love could conquer all. 23 is such a great age, jumping out into the world with our hearts wide open. And here I am returning to university to finish the things I put to the side (it was only ever supposed to be a short duration this was on the shelf), while I was doing everything I practically could to give our love a chance at the best possible outcome. Taking a step back from school to work more hours to save up for, and afford the rent on a little house together, then changing the type of work and the hours I worked to better suit his needs, and his vision of who I should be. And pouring everything I had into our son when the cancer diagnosis came, shattered, but using sheer force of will to get his little body through it all. Waiting for the 5 year remission all clear, so that I could return to work and not feel like it would all crash down again. Part time, but at least back to where my heart was tugging me in a support role for my originally intended career. S19 is dabbling in community college, exploring his career options, and I’m full circle back to University in 2 weeks. I’m going to be doing homework while my son is doing his. It’s bizarre, but very cool.

[Treasur]

It IS very cool, Phoenix, and rather inspirational too!

[thissucks7788]

That is inspirational Phoenix.  Best wishes for going back to university in a few weeks.  A strange and twisting journey for the LBS's as well.
B

[FrenchHusband]

Hi Phoenix,

I have read your whole thread and I find your words very inspiring, very often you made me laughing. You have a big and nice tool to overcome your husband's MLC : a refined sense of humour. I buy what you write about your H's socks, or the Left Behind Soccer Stuff, or the trash hero. I am sorry and thankful to you : I found so much joy reading all these moments.

I sincerely wish that your humour will make you rise again higher than ever !

[PhoenixRising75]

TY, FH!
I appreciate the kind words. I am grateful for your kindness. Humor is definitely a coping mechanism for me. When I have a truly $h!tee day where everything goes haywire, you know those days where the car battery is dead, you sort it, then the internet goes down at work, you sort it, then that lady jumps ahead of you in line at the supermarket and nearly knocks you over trying to get there first…..yeah, those days. I take a deep breath, remind myself how ridiculous it all is, thank the universe for that ridiculousness, enjoy the part where I am part of the cosmic joke, and laugh my a** off. Sometimes I laugh so hard, I cry. There’s humor all around us on the regular if you allow yourself to just stand still for a moment and take it in.