[Biscuit]

Thanks XY,

I'm just trying to be a decent and caring person, I'm not sure how else to be really!

B x

[Biscuit]

Just a bit of journalling.

So W and  kids are away now for a couple of weeks. They are having a wonderful time , W has updated me on what they are up to and it sounds fantastic!

I had an amazing night tonight. I've always dreamt of working on a certain film franchise and last year I got my chance to. Tonight was the premiere and me and a work colleague somehow got invited to a screening and then an amazing party with all the cast afterwards. It was fantastic. I met a ton of people at the party and it felt liberating to be able to just chat and be myself and have people actually appreciate the real me - if that makes sense? I realise I'm probably an oddball to many people in RL - but I kind of think - sod it I don't really care what they think. And do you know what - I think people actually really like the real biscuit!

x

[Evermore]

It's such a freeing feeling when you can get to that point in your life, isn't it. It sounds like a great night and you absolutely should be proud of yourself.

[Biscuit]

Quick update,

So the family came back from visiting W's family. I picked them up from the airport and they had a really fantastic trip - lots of time for W and the kids to connect to far away family - brilliant.

The day they got back I had a massive panic attack whilst walking in the local woods with my sister and cousin. I got really dizzy and almost fainted. This went on for hours, really, very unpleasant! I saw the GP the day after and they wanted to monitor my blood pressure, which was sky high. I had a few days of feeling very unwell which only ended on Thursday last week when I was invited to share to dinner with W and the  kids at the family home. My son was showing me his school work and I asked him to rub my neck whilst I read it and kind of miraculously all the tension kind of fell out of me. Not sire if it was the massage or spending time with the family after a few weeks but my BP dropped almost instantly from a pretty high level to that of a man much younger than me!

Since W returned from abroad we are texting, calling each other and hanging out more than ever since BD. The communication is actually really good and we're having fun and having deeper conversations than we've had in ages. We are pretty much seeing each other every day and it all feels light and natural. We had a bit of a disagreement over the summer holidays today, W wants me to tell her exactly when I'll be available to hang with the kids, but my job is so changeable the I can't say that definitively yet. She knows this, as we're in the same industry, so I politely pointed that out and she later apologised for being so persistent in asking and we agreed to communicate our schedules more with each other.

Reconnection continues as it was before her trip, progress is slow, but noticeable and we're being respectful of each others space and boundaries. It feels like it's all going in a positive direction, but we all know how things can get derailed so quickly so I've got low expectations and total awareness!

[FrenchHusband]

Hello Biscuit, thanks to share the last news, I am very happy very for you regarding the steady reconnection.

Regarding the blood pressure issue, it is sometimes really funny how our body and mind are mysteriously connected. I am glad for you that you spent good time in family and your health came back instantly.

[Helpnewc]

Yes, it is amazing what stress does to your body.

After 2 years of stress, it’s catching up with me. I have had taychardia for two weeks but I am fortunate that I am being squeezing for every test under the sun.

I did not have a Doctor and I should have listened when people told me to get one.

In a common refrain, don’t be me. Get a doctor to keep an eye on you.

[Biscuit]

Thanks FH and Help,

It really is remarkable how our physical health is linked to our state of mind. I've been acutely reminded of this by my recent experiences. 2 and a half years of not feeling an equilibrium in my mind has taken a bit of a toll on my body. It's been a wake up call for sure and I'm glad of the NHS in the UK whereby I can access some first class medical treatment without the need for insurance or spending a shed load of cash. I love the NHS, it's probably the greatest achievement in post war Britain and is a true social leveller - and on the whole, the staff and treatment are incredible given the stressors placed upon them.

Tonight W and me met with our accountant to have our yearly review of our company and personal finances. He's a good guy and has looked after our money for almost 20 years. For not the first time in the last couple of years Mrs Biscuit said, why don't we have much money to spend? Why are we so much worse off than a couple of years ago? We used to have money to spend on holidays and going out etc.     I pointed out that running 2 households in one of the most expensive cities in the world is expensive and that we are probably 50 to 60K worse off than when we were together. Hmmm, not sure if W is really getting that yet, it's a totally predictable consequence of living apart but it always seems to surprise her when I point it out. I think se's slowly understanding it though, she used to have money to spend on going out, getting treatments and having nice holidays, but now it's sucked up by running two houses and none of us as a family has the luxuries that we had before BD. She is very mindful of shared finances though, unlike may MLCers, for which I'm thankful.

[KayDee]

It seems only fairly recently that the psychosomatic is taken more seriously - with books like The Body Keeps the Score, and treatments such as EMDR - it is discussed much more. Psychosomatic, in general use, used to be shorthand for 'it's all your the mind' when actually it is closer to 'of mind and body'. Crazy really, as it is over 100 years since shell-shock was recognised, but how the body deals with trauma it is still not as well understood as it could be. I've recently spent time with a friend who has two male friends whose wives left them in very harsh ways. I don't know if MLC related, although one woman left just as the son was diagnosed with a rare medical condition, which sounds awfully familiar. The point I want to make though, is that both of these men had strokes not long afterwards. So this particular friend of mine, he really understands, as we all do here, how devastating this kind of thing can be on mind and body. I hope this doesn't come across as alarmist, but it brings home to me the impact of this form of abandonment and betrayal, and just how careful we all need to be with our health and well-being.

(and yes - hail the NHS )


I've long been interested in the psychosomatic (long before MLC Crisis) and in recent months reading much more about how the brain's processing is split between a more logic centre and the more instinctual (emotional) parts, both of which call upon our schema of experiences. It seems that it is impossible to rationalise with the emotional part of our brain, especially as it is this part that is the fastest responder. So, well, even if we wanted to, we wouldn't have time It is our fight, flight, freeze survival part, often on overdrive (this is why the rule of 3 is so good - it's a form of retraining I suppose). This makes sense to me, because, intellectually, logically, I know my H is in crisis. That it is not personal to me. And it really cannot be my fault because no one can push another person into crisis. But emotionally, it's harder to 'feel' that. To not feel threatened, vulnerable, whatever those survival feelings are. Reading what you wrote Biscuit, I wonder if intellectually you understand the process and the logic of 'no expectations' but your emotional parts are still so bonded or re-bonding, and with this, you are once again vulnerable. Intellectually, logically, we know that a person in crisis can be unpredictable, they are dealing with their own existential battles, and we, the spouses, are often collateral damage. Perhaps the fragility of your current situation plus your experience of BD, is what is making you so anxious. Just some thoughts, as it is something I am grappling with on and off too. The balance between my emotional reactions and my rational appraisal of things.