I hated when I would feel really good and think, ok, I've got this and then come crashing down...and sometimes, when I would find out things, my heart would feel as though it was breaking .......all those songs about heartbreak are true I discovered.... ....it takes a. great deal of time to recover from this, these are deep deep wounds and so don't be too hard on yourself...the hardest thing of all is to let go and not feel like we have the "right" to some kind of explanation or discussion...unfortunately they are not capable of giving us one.
This really resonates. I thought I had started to build back up over that last 3/4 weeks or so however for some reason I have been so despairing since the weekend. I thought I had cried all my tears but they are back with a vengeance. At least least I keep it together in front of my girls and my W.
I have started up Kenda's Thrive course again so hopefully that will help. I think my despair comes from thinking about my children's future. It is silly really as I know I have the love, motivation and agency to do whatever I possibly can to give them all that I can give them, however it still breaks my heart how my W is with them. Her decision making does not seem to factor them in. I know we can't expect them to think in this way but I am finding it hard to adjust to that at the moment. Especially since she is becoming what she feared in the Mum that abandoned her and her brother, who then years later abandoned her youngest sister and finally abandoned my wife just as D6 was born. Can they not see the chaos they are recycling (I know they cannot but it is wreaking my heart).
At the moment W is all over the place. The last 2 days I have worked in the office instead of at home and she is late every morning, forgetting things the girls need etc. This morning I got up early and did my usual morning routine with the girls and filled the gaps in the bits my wife didn't do. I have no problem with this, as you all have said, don't have any expectations. The girls and I all had a fun morning, no rush or stress (my wife's rushing seems to put the girls on edge and then she at times gets sharp with the girls) and they were all ready early in time to watch a few minutes of TV (that's my deal wit them - all your chores done and ready for school and you can relax. My wife was still late, even though she had to do nothing for the girls and got up late. This is where the combo of ADHD and MLC complicates matters even more I feel. Both issues she is doing nothing to address.
Last night she was late home and so didn't make dinner for the girls. Luckily even though I was returning from the office, I got home before them to cook something quickly. She was very distant during dinner (Tuesday is a day we agreed to always do family dinner) and eagerly rushed away suggesting she needed to get the girls bed clothes ready. Its a shame as along with family dinner we also have games for the girls on the Tuesday too and this did get cut short. However my wife for those 15 minutes did seem to enjoy herself and get involved with the girls.
Last night I did broach about the holiday I had booked with my W after the girls went bed. I timed it just before I went out GAL for the evening as I wanted to give her space to digest. I announced in a 'sky is blue fashion' that I had booked a holiday for the period whilst my parents are away in July this year (my Mum looks after the girls in the summer at times whilst we are at work). I said I had booked a 3 bedroom accommodation as I wanted to give her the choice to come with us. She became very fidgety, rubbing her face and hair. and said 'okkkkk' I then added I thought it was important for the girls to have a holiday to look forward too, especially since D6 had been taking with her friends about their plans and had been questioning what we were doing. I concluded by saying I think the girls need a holiday and then said 'heck' I need a holiday too and I am sure you do too (to the W). At this point she "yes butted" me to which I did interrupt her to say you don't need to decide now and that you have time to go away and think about the choice you want to make. I then said by and left for my activity.
I chose last night as I have found out her 'original' best friend is coming over tonight (the sensible one that my W initially avoiding talking too as apparently she would not understand and is too straight laced! I thought it may have been worth planting the seed yesterday knowing my wife has the opportunity to raise this with her friend who is very similar to I in that she is very methodical and logical (although she is loyal to my wife).
I just hope that my wife does not make rash decisions based on her inability to stand being around me most of the time. The best times are when we are together having fun as a family e.g watching family TV, doing an activity or playing games. Any other time including dinner she is very awkward. I am very comfortable talking with the girls about their day, what they learned, what they enjoyed, what they may do the next day, what they are looking forward to at the weekend. This is a value I believe in greatly, talking to one another at dinner time was a big part of my upbringing. My wife struggles with this and does not really get involved in the conversation. if i stay quiet to give her the opportunity to start conversation with the girls she generally stays silent. She is either in her head or on her phone. If she decides not to go it is going to greatly increase the urgency for her to do something (anything at all as she is currently in wallowing limbo paralysis most of the time apart from her high energy bursts for nights out) to get out what she deems to be the worst life ever which will in turn impact the girls.
The limbo is tricky. As much as I am gald she is still close by like i previously mentioned, it does seem to cause me huge anxiety.
On a positive not, I went for a run this morning as I was really struggling with my emotions and that has somewhat helped. I have also had a good cry writing this post. Thank you all for your support.
P.S sorry if I have repeated or ranted. I still don't feel myself at the moment but I am sure I will get there