[Dragonfly33]

What I wanted to share here, is that towards the end of the five years she had a kind of 'fallow year', when she did very little, except maintain close relationships, be constant for her kids, and function at her job. She did small things and kept 'local'. In hindsight for her, this appears to be her final acceptance phase, because she recently dipped her toe into dating, and has a new partner of 6 months. This is not to give any sort of timeline pressure to anyone, but the sense I got from her, is that when she was in this fallow period, she was a worried she might be stagnating and shrinking her life, but now she sees it as an important time for her to 'reseed' and recover from the exhaustion this journey unleashes. I wonder if this might resonate with you.

Thank you for sharing this Kaydee. I hope this is just a phase like what your friend had experienced. I do feel that I am stagnating right now. I was a person with a very strong drive into doing something new, mostly learning something new. I was very ambitious. All that is gone. I lost the drive to pursue something new. It's like being contented with where I am now and yet not being contented. It's a very confusing place to be in. When I feel emotional, sometimes I cannot pinpoint what emotion I am feeling. I cannot point my finger to it. I missed my ex at times and at times, I know there's the anger as well. But the anger doesn't stay long. Mostly I feel indifferent. I am very confused right now.

Zarheit, I am so sorry you are also in this situation. I know how frustrating it is. you are right about your analogy with the staircase. There was even a time during my session with my IC that I told her I was totally fine. I feel beautiful and content in life. I feel strong, etc. And then you get hit by this kind of feeling. Like falling how many steps on the stairs. Not from square one but quite a number of steps. I hope this is just temporary. It's only been almost a year since my divorce was finalized. It will be a year on the 14th of this month. Also a year since the last time I saw my exh. Today, while I was walking my dog, I suddenly felt a surge of anger towards him. I just wanted to curse him, his family and all the women who were involved with him. I wanted to curse them all. But I don't even know why I was angry with him. It could come from my frustration, bitterness that he's doing well and making is dreams come true while here I am lost in nowhere. It's a very unhealthy thought, and I don't want to be this way. I want to be a better person.

[MadLuv]

DF- I get it. I am in such a better place, but I am alone. My family no matter how hard I try is not healed. I feel I put everyone before me to end up alone and almost like no one cares, yet I have friends ( not near me but many) I have some family ( but not near me )  it’s hard to come to terms with loving someone that can walk away like it is nothing. I try not to think about it because it makes my view of everything around me different. Less hopeful.

 I am a happy and positive  person, but this can take you to your knees and although we get back up, we still wobble sometimes when we walk this new path. I know for me age has been huge as I am now 61 and I feel like I should be out there taking on the world, but I find myself isolating a lot. Not knowing for sure what to do. Where to start. Making decisions with no one to bounce them Off on. With that said.

 I have come to the conclusion that I am still all I was before and probably so much better,so what feels like stagnation is more  of a need. A need to come to terms with everything fully. To make sense of it fully as much as I can so I can take on my next decade of life. I hate I was robbed of years and continue to feel robbed  as I am unsure where I am headed, but also I am Ok. Im not sad most days, although I have them still. It’s hard not to feel cheated of a life you planned and also to have to go against everything you believe in. The biggest part for me however is feeling at times that I dont know if I ever knew him at all. That can be painful.

So I try not to worry about time and being stagnant. I get out when I can and when I do I have so much fun. So, I know I will figure it out when I am fully ready. I have started just trying to put me first and if I could do anything what would I do with out consideration for anyone else. Not in a selfish way toward others, but a selfless way for me. We deserve to put ourselves first.

[Treasur]

There was a time when I could have written almost word for word what you wrote, Dragonfly. In fact I think I did in some of my long HS meanderings. Can’t pin down the timescale exactly, maybe 2019ish? Certainly post-divorce.

The best way I can sum it up now is that I remembered who I was but I couldn’t feel it or touch it. It was a very strange time and came with a lot of inner turmoil.

What I can say from my own experience is that wishing you felt differently probably won’t change how you feel, but that you will not always feel how you do right now. Those feelings, even the messy muddy nature of them, will take you somewhere else. I don’t know where, you don’t know where yet, but it will. They will evolve; you will evolve. Or perhaps more accurately you will refine yourself as you go.

Again, looking back, I found it helpful to try to talk to myself with a rather kind voice. I had lost a great deal, more than I could have imagined initially actually. A great deal of my existence felt like starting over while carrying big stones up a hill. Being cross with myself about how I did that never seemed to make it better, but being a little kinder to myself about the reality of where I was and that it would evolve bit by bit often did. If nothing else, it gave me the strength to try again the next day lol. But it’s a strange experience to be exhausted by trying while not necessarily very sure about what you are trying to achieve, isn’t it? Other than Not Being Here which seems to not change or be controlled as much as we might wish.

Again, looking back, there was a shift when I somehow stopped linking my struggle with what my xh had done or was doing. Practically speaking, of course, some of where I found myself was caused by his actions/inactions, that’s true, but weirdly my own progress (or not) wasn’t is the best way I can describe it. And when that shift happened, my lens changed.

So, I’m sorry, this stage on your path sucks epically and I remember it as exhausting too. But it will not always be how it is today; your job is to keep walking and be as fair and kind to yourself about the path as you can be.

[Dragonfly33]

Thank you Madluv and Treasur for always giving me an insight from your experience. I'm sorry it took me so long to write back. I felt I needed to distance myself from analysing all the emotions that had been going through last year.

So now, Im ready to journal again.
It's been 5 months since the last time I wrote on my own thread, but I've been reading some of the posts here and sometimes I also answered.  To be honest, it made me sad to see newbies here and I try to avoid reading their posts because it just brings me back to the time I was in their situation. That time I considered my worst nightmare that I don't want to visit anymore. I hope you all understand.

As for me, I stopped seeing my therapist. We both agreed that I don't need it anymore and if ever hard times come, she said I was always welcome to give her a call and make an appointment. That was early this year I think. Now, I feel good about myself. I get to know myself again, and slowly I'm getting back that self confidence. Sometimes I can't believe I was able to handle things here by myself and through this experience, it helped me trust myself again. This is a big improvement for me since I got married to my xh. I have become more confident at work I think especially that I have to communicate in a foreign language. I learned not to worry too much about the future and to take things one day at a time. It helped me with my anxiety. Now, I just go with the flow in life. I've also informed my relatives about the Divorce and it gave me some sort of relief. It's like a thorn being taken out of me. They unfriended my ex on all social medias as I told them I would not want them to be in contact with him anymore. Not that I am angry with him but it's because I really don't want him to know what's going on with my life. I'm also dating other people now again and I am enjoying my time getting to know other men. I have to admit, it does make me feel good, knowing that I am still attractive. I also believe I've been closer to my mom and my sisters now than when I was still married. There are good things that came out of that nightmare I had to go through.

I just celebrated my 48th birthday this month. My xh texted to greet me, which came as a surprise to me because I never greeted him on his birthday and when he sent me a card last year I never replied to him. This time when I got his text, I was quite taken a back but there were no more tears. It's just like one of those long lost friends that suddenly greet you out of nowhere. I replied him politely and thanked him. That was it. I believe he is still with the young sporty OW and it doesn't bother me anymore. Once in a while I hear something about him from friends. And apparently from his former and present work colleague, they see him as a very weird person or his life now is just about triathlon, which maybe good for him as he has something to be proud of for himself now.  Other than that, I know nothing about him and I am not interested about his whereabouts anymore. I really learned to let it go and with the gift of time it does get better. I could not imagine to be in this place right now two years ago. It was impossible to imagine it. But here I am now, I survived that ordeal.

Life is short to put your life on hold waiting for them or trying to analyse their actions. Indeed you can't do anything about these people. You just let them do what they do and focus on your life. There is nothing you can do to influence them. Their mind is set so whatever kind of destruction they intend to do. Ursa likened it to a tornado, pave the way and let it pass. If you stand in their way, it will just destroy you. I know how hard it is to accept this as a newbie. I coudln't wrap my mind around it when I was new to this. I tried and tried and the more I tried to save that marriage the more he destroyed it. It was never about the marriage or me, it was all about him. And I hope he is happy now with his life to be honest. I hope he truly found that happiness he was looking for. I wish it didn't happen but on the other hand, if it didn't happen,I wouldn't be what I am now.

[titleholder]

It’s good to hear from you dragonfly and I’ve got to say you should be incredibly proud of yourself!! You’re taking all the steps towards healing and building your own future. I wish you all the best and keep going!

[Dragonfly33]

Thank you titleholder. It’s a long journey. It is indeed a marathon. You need to learn to save your energy to get to the finish line. My story may not be what the newbies here would hope for but even if I didn’t reconcile, I still end up in a good place. And to be honest I don’t know if I want to be that old self again. Most likely not. I like myself now. That’s the best thing that came out of all the suffering. Whether I will be in a relationship again or not I know I am happy and comfortable with myself. Id like to have a partner one day but it’s not something that I need. It would be nice but it is also ok without. It’s been almost 5 years since BD. In May it will be 5 years and 2 years D in November. I felt though that I have been divorced for a long time now. For the newbies out there, just hang in there and don’t give up on yourself. There is a way out of this, even though you feel like there isn’t.

[Treasur]

Sending a hug and a bit of a cheer over to you from here, dear girl. My word, you have worked hard and come a long way. And imho - bc most of us understand what you say about how it feels to read new postings - it’s also a gift to share where you are today when you couldn’t have imagined it when you first posted. X

[marvin4242]

DF I remember when you were really in pain and struggling and it wonderful to see how far you have progressed for yourself and I am very happy that you are in this place, where your H is no longer causing you great pain. It has been a hard earned road and I hope you enjoy all the rewards of your accomplishment and growth. And I agree with what you wrote, life is too short to put your life on hold for anyone.

And as painful and destructive as the experience of dealing with an MLCer it is an opportunity to grow and find new facets of ourselves. Sounds like you have found new strength and comfort in yourself.

[MadLuv]

You sound great DF. I understand on reading the new stories. The beginning of this journey is so devastating that to relive that pain or see it in others, well your heart breaks for yourself and for them.

Where our spouse are now or where they are going or who they are going with I have come to accept makes no difference . We weren’t the problem and OW or OM certainly isn’t their answer. So we carry on. It may takes a bit, but that because we loved deeply. We are rational . We lose ourselves, but then with time and hard work we find ourselves again. Looks like you have been found !!

[UrsaMajor]

DF - the corner has been turned and you've reached a "flat" place in your journey (no longer a constant uphill struggle). Congratulations. It is the result of a LOT of hard work on your part.

As far as your MLCxH goes, well..... the saying remains the same... "No matter how far or how fast you run, there you are." One can not outrun their own demons......

UM