[KayDee]

He’s very proud of the OW because she apparently encourages him and supports him with his so called passion. 🙈

That's a weirdity - to be proud of someone because of the role they play in upholding your lifestyle.  He sounds like he has an exercise (and praise) addiction. Yes, you are better off out of it.

[Dragonfly33]

He’s very proud of the OW because she apparently encourages him and supports him with his so called passion. 🙈

Sorry I meant grateful not proud. 🙈 She supports onsite. Well she doesn’t have to clean, wash and iron his clothes and cook for him so she has all the time supporting him wherever he goes. But anyway, I know his pattern. He’s been with her now for two years, who knows what miracle he’s going to do after five years of filming each other. 

My family told me recently I look way better now than when I was still with my x even before BD. My mom told me I was walking on egg shells with me, every action was controlled. I couldn’t be me. My ex had to be the center of my attention around my family otherwise it‘s going to be a fight. Looking back, though my ex was very generous with me and a good provider, around him I couldn’t be my real self because he didn‘t like certain behaviors I had. Maybe MLC was meant to be for me to find myself again and become authentic again. Maybe after all it was a blessing in disguise.

[MadLuv]

I do think that is the one bright light in all the darkness. We do seem to realize we lost ourselves and we start to wake up to that. My XH OW/wife also does nothing but be the appreciative recipient of my XH gifting and her new lifestyle. I did everything and she does nothing.  I have accepted that I could never be that. So, if he needs someone to constantly praise and validate him, then he is with his match now. It comes at a cost. A cost of their values, their self esteem, their wallet and their family. It’s a huge swap to discard those who love you no matter what with those who love you for what you can do for them.  As a friend stated to me recently, he will wake up when it’s to late. Probably on his death bed.

[Dragonfly33]

If they even realize that Madluv. I don’t mine would. He seemed very happy with his life now traveling here and there for the love of his triathlon, maybe after all it’s what he needed. Adrenaline junkies. The life he had with me was too boring as I wasn’t a hard core sporty person. Sometimes I think maybe we weren’t really a match. Perhaps it wasn’t MLC after all. He just really wanted to get out of that marriage and find his true passion. Who knows. I don’t care about the answers to the Whys anymore. O can’t believe I‘m saying it now as I was so obsessed trying to understand why he did what he did.

[One day at a time]

It's interesting Dragonfly, I seem to be at a very similar place. Maybe is the "closure" that some LBSs get. A realization that, maybe, this is the way it was meant to be.. I actually said that to someone in RL 2 days ago when I heard that xH and O'Wife bought a house in xH's home town (a place I had 0 interest in) and since she's not working, she runs around cleaning up after xH and his parents.

The person that I was talking to said that, in her mind, it's all about xH's ego. O'Wife needed to be rescued, xH got to be the hero and now he gets a woman that does everything he says.. Maybe that's what he wanted all along and he was never going to get that from me....

I also wish I saw this a long time ago but I think we need to go through the process and be ready for this level of acceptance.

[MadLuv]

It’s weird because I think they pic enablers. I also dont require many answers anymore, because the answer is I did not know him. To me he is a covert narcissist and when I look back I can clearly see it, but at the time and throughout I just thought he is insecure and that was endearing. Now, I believe thats what he learned to be. It all still goes back to childhood. Whether major traumas or just and inattentive parent. Most people realize their issues and we spend a lifetime working through our traumas with out hurting anyone, but just working on us and getting better. Then there is the MLCer who runs and escapes instead of looking within.

I also agree with the boredom. To me that is what life becomes and you have to appreciate and be able to sit in normalcy. Appreciate isn’t what they need. The voices are to loud in quiet. Just my opinion.

[Dragonfly33]

Just an update:

Two days ago, I was in a car accident. A guy behind me on the freeway rammed my car because he didn't see that I braked due to the traffic jam in front of me. 4 cars were involved due to this guy's mistake. He literally drove into in full speed catapulting my car into the car in front of me, causing a huge accident. Luckily, nobody was injured including my dog who was in her car sit in the passenger seat at the back. I was in total shock. My car was totalled. Police came and documented everything.

After I informed my family, I also informed my xh because I know he could help me with the insurance as our contact guy in the insurance is someone he knows. After I wrote him he replied right away ( he is in my home country which has a 6 hours time difference so it was night time there). He said he woke up from a restless sleep, implying he felt something bad happened which was my accident. To be fair, he helped me contact the guy at the insurance and gave me instructions how to proceed which is for me a great help as I would not know how to do it and I was still in a state of shock. He was worried about me based on his texts and insisted I see the doctor right away or go to the hospital. Somehow, that old him is still there somewhere. He told me he would keep his phone on so if I needed help, he is reachable which I really appreciate. He tried to find cars for me that I can afford. Times like this I miss our old life. But yes, this is my journey now. And I have to learn to deal with it alone. Somehow when it happened, I asked God, why? I felt like he said to me to trust the process. And so I will. Whatever the reason is, it must be something good for me.

The only annoying part of the whole thing is the insurance will probably only pay a small amount of my damaged car as it is already old. And now I have to look for another car which cost a lot of money especially where I live. It's all because of this guy's fault and now I have to suffer the consequence as well. I haven't even recovered from the accident I had to run around yesterday and today to contact the insurance, go to the doctor as I have sleeping problems now and get a replacement car which the insurance will only pay up to 10 days. The whole thing is stressing me out and times like this I wish I had my husband. Yesterday, I had this feeling that I wasn't allowed to be happy. Just when I am slowly able to get up again and enjoy life and bam! Another unfortunate situation I have to deal with. Im trying to see the good side of it, that I am ok and not hurt from the accident. I could have been heavily injured or even died from the impact. It scares me now everytime a car is driving behind me. I'm also worried everytime I feel happy as something bad would come and counteract it.

So the journey continues. ..

[amazinglove]

I'm so sorry D! I can totally understand how you would want a H at a time like this. I was in a near accident a few weeks back and I was upset that I couldn't download it with him, I cannot imagine how it would feel to actually be in one and not have that support. And it sounds like it was a bad one too! Terrifying! I'm glad you and your dog are all fine but I'm sorry about the stress and major hassle.

One thing that occurs to me, you did have some support from him. Yeah, it's not what you would have wanted, but you do have someone who wants to be there, at the end of a phone for you in an emergency and help when he can. It's not what you deserve, but also it's not nothing. I am trying to see things this way myself, when I look at the future with my ex. I feel so cheated - enormously cheated - by what he offers me now, but again, it's not nothing. I think we have to take what we have and find a way to see something positive in it, that's the only way forward really. Maybe in future you will have someone by your side too.

As for you not being able to have happiness, I can understand why it would feel that way. But know this, you DO deserve it and you are already finding it. Hang on, dust yourself off, and keep going. This experience showed that you do not need him when it comes down to it. You are handling this yourself, in a foreign country it sounds like, and you are getting it done. It's a proof point that you do not in fact need him.

What I'm trying to do right now is make a list of what I'm grateful for, what I have, because I spend so much time longing for and being irritated about what I do not have. A lot more time (for me at least) is spent focused on that latter rather than the former. I'm so sorry again you've been thru this and I am glad you posted about it. Glad you're ok!

[MadLuv]

First off, I’m glad your ok. I am also glad your XH picked up and helped. Seems like he is not a vanisher. I had an accident 10 mths after my XH left and I texted him and he didn’t even respond to the text. He had just gotten married and I didnt find that out for another 10 mths.  Those moments are hard. You dont have that emergency contact. There is some reality at that moment that you dont have that one special person anymore that really cares and your their number one priority. That still is scary to me.

It also does sometimes seem like so much just piles on and you wish that karma bus would head the other way. That is really where I had to grab on to acceptance and just be ok with whatever came my way.  I would love if my XH was worried about me to wanted to help. It would at least feel like I had ‘t wasted decades with someone that doesn’t seem to care at all. Maybe thats your bright light in this accident. Of course after the fact you are physically ok.

[forthetrees]

Phew! Glad that you and the pooch are ok. Somehow an inattentive stranger causing harm is somewhat easier to process than dealing with an MLCer. Please do get checked out as you may need physical therapy for a strained neck. I got rear ended right after finishing PT for back pain and it set me back to the starting line. The upside was that the accident occurred in a state that allowed for a better therapist. So you may be entitled to more than you think since he was 100% at fault.

That was a bit of crappy luck and not the Universe raining on you. Maybe post on your social media that you need a car due to the accident and someone you know or their acquaintance will offer a private sale of a good condition used car.