[toomanytearss]

I think many people us NC as some kind of tool to either punish the mlc’r or as a “hey look at me. Do you miss me now” kind of thing. I think it’s very much misunderstood.

I have in the past been NC for a long period of time. I chose that path for my well being. To be able to fully step away and work on healing myself.

I did this because everytime my phone went off I would shake uncontrollably. I was always on guard waiting on the next round of abuse from xh. Emotionally I could not take that anymore.

I was able to work on myself during that time of NC. That was what I needed. But that doesn’t mean every situation or every person needs to go that route. But some do. As I did.

I sometimes think we put so much emphasis on the mlc’r - what will make them return, how do we pave the way, how do we treat them so they don’t see us as the enemy - and of course for some people it’s how do we make them pay for the hurt they caused. And the list goes on.

Doing that we forget the emphasis should be on US. The LBS. what should we do for US. What is the best way for US to navigate through this. I believe we stay so enmeshed in all the hurt and pain and antics the mlc’r causes that it obscures our own needs and healing to a large extent. We get a front row seat to all the shenanigans and it’s not all easy to forgive or forget. And if affects us negatively.

Whatever contact we choose to have with the mlc’r should be what we as the LBS choose is best for our well being. Not to provoke a certain outcome with the mlc’r.

I have been several different forms of contact throughout this. Depending on where I am at and what I feel willing to deal with.

I am always cautious when someone is telling others that there is only one way to do something and that is their way. That is usually their hurt and choices from that being projected onto you.

I have made decisions and choices and been able to make progress not from people telling me what I should do but from people asking me questions and opening my thought process. Many of those people are in this group. Helping me to think things through and find my center before choosing a path that I feel is best for me.

There is no right way through all this. There is only what is the best way for me, the LBS to move forward and find happiness in this life right now.

[UrsaMajor]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

And all the people said AMEN!

[Evermore]

I think many people us NC as some kind of tool to either punish the mlc’r or as a “hey look at me. Do you miss me now” kind of thing. I think it’s very much misunderstood.

I have in the past been NC for a long period of time. I chose that path for my well being. To be able to fully step away and work on healing myself.

I did this because everytime my phone went off I would shake uncontrollably. I was always on guard waiting on the next round of abuse from xh. Emotionally I could not take that anymore.

I was able to work on myself during that time of NC. That was what I needed. But that doesn’t mean every situation or every person needs to go that route. But some do. As I did.

I sometimes think we put so much emphasis on the mlc’r - what will make them return, how do we pave the way, how do we treat them so they don’t see us as the enemy - and of course for some people it’s how do we make them pay for the hurt they caused. And the list goes on.

Doing that we forget the emphasis should be on US. The LBS. what should we do for US. What is the best way for US to navigate through this. I believe we stay so enmeshed in all the hurt and pain and antics the mlc’r causes that it obscures our own needs and healing to a large extent. We get a front row seat to all the shenanigans and it’s not all easy to forgive or forget. And if affects us negatively.

Whatever contact we choose to have with the mlc’r should be what we as the LBS choose is best for our well being. Not to provoke a certain outcome with the mlc’r.

I have been several different forms of contact throughout this. Depending on where I am at and what I feel willing to deal with.

I am always cautious when someone is telling others that there is only one way to do something and that is their way. That is usually their hurt and choices from that being projected onto you.

I have made decisions and choices and been able to make progress not from people telling me what I should do but from people asking me questions and opening my thought process. Many of those people are in this group. Helping me to think things through and find my center before choosing a path that I feel is best for me.

There is no right way through all this. There is only what is the best way for me, the LBS to move forward and find happiness in this life right now.

Yes, allllll of this. Thank you TMT for putting it into far more coherent words than mine.

[Reinventing]

Agree with TMT. ]

It's all about the LBS and the LBS healing.

[Dragonfly33]

It's been a while since my last update here.  I think it's time to do an update. 

I am on a holiday right now in my home country. After 5 years of not being able to go home, finally I made it. It was a mix of different emotions, from feeling excited to be able to finally see my relatives and friends again to being nervous about how I was going to tell them about my D. On the way here, I prepared myself on how I was going to explain to them about my current status. I was in distress. It was my first time to travel back home without my exh. I was very emotional on the plane. I couldn't stop my tears. When I got home finally, and saw our bedroom in my mom's house I cried a lot. I considered this trip as the last hurdle in this MLC journey. Facing my relatives without him was very difficult. I was so scared they were going to ask about him, where he was. But I guess they already knew since my ex had been posting pics of the OW, the two of them kissing and being in the hotel. I thought I would be able to tell them that we were divorced but I didn't have the courage. It bothered me for many days that I couldn't find the courage to tell them. I then realized I just wasn't ready, and it's ok not to tell them the story. My relatives were very respectful not to ask me. And I am contented with how it went. For now, I am just not ready and it's ok. This holiday was such an emotional one. I went to those places where I spent holidays with my ex, this time I spent it with my mom and my nephew who was also here on holiday. There were times where I was in tears and I had to run to the bathroom so my mom would not see it. I think it's good to make new memories in those places without my ex. I survived it and I enjoyed the time I spent with my family.

As for my exh, I had to email him during my stay here as we had a joint account that I wanted to close. There was still money in it and it was decided during our D that the money went to me. However, I didn't really know the codes and access to this account, so I had to email him. This was the first time I contacted him after over a year of NC. I was very polite and very neutral too. He wrote back and told me he was very happy to hear from me. At the end of his email, he closed it by saying love and then his name. He gave me all the details I needed to access the account. We exchanged text messages for a bit as it didn't work right away and I needed his assistance.  I made sure I remained neutral and my replies were very short. He would send me heart emojis instead of likes on my replies. And that was it. I wasn't as disturbed as before back in April when I got a bday card from him. I just tried not to put any meaning to it anymore.

I enjoyed the rest of my stay here and tomorrow I'll be flying back to my second home. There is indeed life after D and I have become more independent now. I am back to my old self before the marriage. And I am happy I found myself again. So to all newbies here, things will get better. When I was a newbie, a lot of the veterans here told me the same thing. It was hard to believe life would get better at the time. But it does get better. I like the version of me now. I wish it didn't happen but maybe it happened for me to find myself again.

[Reinventing]

So to all newbies here, things will get better. When I was a newbie, a lot of the veterans here told me the same thing. It was hard to believe life would get better at the time.

DF, yes, detachment and a healthy sense of self is a great way to grow and respond to our lives being blown up.

[Treasur]

I hope you can see your own progress as clearly as we can, dear Dragonfly.
It was brave of you to make the trip, brave of you to let the cards fall where they fell emotionally, brave of you to find pleasure in all of those things regardless.

None of us come here believing that there is a life on the other side which can be good. Different maybe but still good, even better in some ways perhaps and certainly a whole ton better than those post BD days of distress and confusion. Which is why it can help so much to borrow a bit of belief and faith from chums here who have been where you were but are not there now. Just like your post will do for someone else reading along here.

[MadLuv]

So to all newbies here, things will get better. When I was a newbie, a lot of the veterans here told me the same thing. It was hard to believe life would get better at the time. But it does get better. I like the version of me now. I wish it didn't happen but maybe it happened for me to find myself again

when you start seeing yourself again you know you are going to be ok. You also realize just just how far you have come. It’s funny in a not so “funny” way how we wished this never happened, but we can see some positives from it in ourselves. It would be nice to see it come from a different source, but for me that little positive from so much pain is something I like to refer back to in my mind. It’s a much better “grass is greener on the other side “ view of reality for the LBS vs the MLCer  non reality “grass is greener “
Great update, DF!!

[beyondblessed]

Nice update, DF.  Yes, there is a life on the other side we can scarcely imagine, but it is there, nonetheless and ours for the taking.  We move and grow and change.  It's a beautiful thing.

[One day at a time]

Nice to hear from you DF!! I can relate to much of what you said about your experience at home. I also live away from my home country and those first visits can be a minefield full of triggers. I didn't have "the conversation" about my separation (divorce came long after) with everyone the first time around, I wasn't ready either. I have to admit, my close family helped spreading the news to some distant relatives.. I didn't see the need for me to have that conversation with everyone, by my second trip many people already knew so the subject wasn't brought up and it made it a lot easier for me.

When I was a newbie, a lot of the veterans here told me the same thing. It was hard to believe life would get better at the time. But it does get better. I like the version of me now. I wish it didn't happen but maybe it happened for me to find myself again.

Exactly how I see it too DF. I quite like the fact that I found myself again but I'm not very fond of how I got here. At the same time, I'm not sure I would be here if what happened, didn't happen... If that makes any sense!!