[UrsaMajor]

Ready said EXACTLY what I was thinking here:

It still goes back to him. He wants to be the only knight in shining armor. Can't share the limelight or do something to support someone without being praised in return. It really makes things with him seem so transactional.

It is still all about


The version of your saying that I grew up with is"Some days you are the fire hydrant, some days you're the dog.... "

[Dragonfly33]

I like that saying URSA.

Thank you Ready. I would not have imagine  I would be in this place now five years ago when I was given the BD. That was 5 years ago, how time flies. Looking back, I could picture myself at BD, so scared of the future, so frightened of being alone. My x was on the other hand telling his mom he was happy being freed. Good thing though is he was still willing to help me in terms of asking his perspective when it came to buying a car. That was quite a struggle for me to do alone, although if I had no choice I guess I would stilll end up making the right decision for myself. I think my ex would never recognize me now. I've changed so much as a person. Mostly being my old self or even better than my old self before I met him. It was a scary journey to take but like what all of you said to me here in the beginning, I will be just fine with or without my ex.

As for my xh, he seemed to have found his happiness. Unlike some of the MLCers here, his obsession is sport instead of drugs or alcohol. The way I see it, it's all about proving to the world that he's good at something. Maybe it's a good thing that finally he can be proud of himself for all these achievements. I wonder though what happens if he's done all these triathlons or if his body cannot take it anymore. With the amount of stress his putting his body through from all the intensive trainings, I guess at some point you would realize you can't anymore. He's not getting any younger and he told me he had a lot of medical bills that he could deduct it from the taxes. I reckon he must have been to the doctor a lot of times. I just hope he's happy with the choices he made. Although there's still that tiny part of me that says I hope he suffers LOL.

I wonder still if it was all worth it for him. I don't think this question will ever be answered.

[KayDee]

As for my xh, he seemed to have found his happiness. Unlike some of the MLCers here, his obsession is sport instead of drugs or alcohol. The way I see it, it's all about proving to the world that he's good at something. Maybe it's a good thing that finally he can be proud of himself for all these achievements.

Exercise addiction is a thing. Comes with it's own damage alas. If what he does is obsessive, that is.

[Biscuit]

Agreed, KD. I like to run, as do a couple of other HS members like Watcher. But when you're middle aged you need to make sure the level of exercise isn't going to ruin your body.
Like any activity, doing something as a healthy routine is great, getting obsessive about it is, well, obsessive and unhealthy!

[Dragonfly33]

KD and Biscuit, I totally agree with you both. I also like to do sport not regularly as most of the time I am exhausted from work but I feel good when I do it. But I think as you get older too much of it is unhealthy. When he was still living with me he trained every day at lunch and in the evening during the week and anyway the whole weekend. He had all sorts of problems with the calf, the back and sleeping. I don't think it got better as he told me he had a lot of medical bills this year. The 30 plus year old OW is the same or even worse. I just saw she is now on a new craziness running (with a buggy with her clothes inside ) everyday and sleeping anywhere she stops. She slept on the ground next to a building in her sleeping bag. Or in the forest somewhere in her tent. I am sure this is not what my xh enjoys doing. Sleeping in a tent is a hell hole for him because he is very scared of spiders and second he is very fuzzy with sleeping mattress let alone sleeping in a sleeping bag. When I did camping with him, he made a huge drama because the air mattress was not comfortable enough blah blah blah. So yeah this is one of the MLC craziness that until now I am still surprised. Or do they just totally change? Sometimes though I think maybe this is my xH. All those years together was just a role play for him. I remember that when he was in his 20s he also quit his job and just went travelling for a year, looking for adventure. maybe this is just a repeat this time in his 40s. I was just a collateral damage unfortunately. It's a cruel behavior, like bulldozing the innocents. I'm not saying I'm an angel as I also have my shortcomings as a human being and with my family background, I definitely was co dependent. I realized that after years of therapy. However, I would never be able to hurt someone to that extent. I'm glad I'm out of the $h!te show. That was 3 years of torture.

[Dragonfly33]

Just journaling:

3 days ago my x texted me and asked me if I will get my new car this coming Monday. So I told him that the dealer of the car was acting inappropriately with me through his email, addressing me like we have been friends for a long time. My ex acted like my knight in shining armour and told me that he can call the guy and tell him off or he can call his boss. He also told me he could come with me when I pick up the car to show the guy that I am with a man. And I should insist the guy calling me by my last name (formality sake), though we agreed we call each other by our first name. He was suddenly very protective with me. And this is coming from the same person when he was still my h who told me  5 years ago that I should sleep with another guy and that he was sure many men are lining up to sleep with me. Do not get me wrong, it was nice of him to bring that to my attention that this guy was obviously inappropriate. But I'm just astonished as to the behavior of these MLCers in general. I thought, this guy is suddenly so protective with me, the same person who hurt me so much. How is that possible?

The other day, I asked him about travelling to Egypt as a woman by herself and what he thinks about it. He was very helpful with his insights which up to this day I love about him. Even if he was workng he took time to answer my questions. Then he texted me that he just came back last week from a trip to my home country. And he told me he ordered the foods that I used to cook for him or my family used to cook for him. He told me that it was never the same. It was indirectly saying he missed the food that I used to prepare him. He's been to different places in my home country except the region where I come from and he couldn't find anything that came close to how I prepared the food. That was somehow a nice talk. All the while I thought he must have been enjoying his life now. So I asked him how he was. He told me he needed to have hip replacement and I thought this must be a result of the whole ironman thing. At some point you'll get confronted by the things that come with age. As for the OW, she's been running for days now every day to reach from one country to another. Sleeping anywhere she stops in a small tent and taking a shower in any creek or river she finds. I don't think this kind of lifestyle would suit him from the kind of person he is. I don't know if they are still together or not, but they used to be so lovey dovey in the beginning way back in 2022 when he moved out from my apartment, every day posting at each other social media flirty messages or pda pictures. Now that has ceased to exist somehow.

For me, I guess I continue to move forward. I would consider us maybe starting to reconnect. The anger that I had for him has slowly disappeared. I guess, time does heals everything. I don't forget what he did but I also don't hate him anymore. Perhaps we are reconnecting.

[forthetrees]

Wow, a hip replacement. Who knew the karma bus could shape shift?

I am glad that you are able to have a calm conversation with him and that he showed his decency in regards to how the car salesman was behaving. Am not so sure that time heals everything, but ever so glad that your anger has dissipated.

There is something curious about the two of them running and running- running toward something or running away???

[Dragonfly33]

The OW calls herself a hedonist. All she does is run while filming herself smiling. I don’t know how genuine those smiles and laughters are . But she is not my problem and I don’t give a hoot about her. My ex I think probably running from the reality that he’s getting old trying to prove to himself and others he can do it. Who knows what’s going on in his mind. Have to admit thag I felt proud when he said my food was way better than the ones he had in my home country. I told him because I am a good cook and he agreed. He insisted he could accompany me getting the car but I just ignored it. I don’t know if it’s way of wanting to see me. I thought maybe not a good idea at the moment as I‘m not honestly totally out of the woods yet.
I have no idea if he and the OW are still together as OW did not accompany him to the last competition he did in my home country or maybe she can’t afford the trip. But that’s not my concern anymore. For as long as he’s happy with the decisions he made, I‘m happy for him. At least unlike others he’s not monstering to me anymore and if I need something he seemed to be ready to help if I asked him.

[Dragonfly33]

I thought of writing an update here although not much has been going on with regard to my xh.
So here it is. Lately I've been checking on the OW social media and my xh's. At the beginning of their relationship, right after he moved out from my apartment back in January 2022, my xh and the cOW were actively posting on social media pictures of their kissing scene, them sleeping together and them OH so in love. Everything they did together was documented with either pictures or videos. My xh seemed to be in seventh heaven on this pictures and videos. I have to admit, I was so hurt and I couldn't even look at those pictures and videos that time. Nowadays, it's just the cOW who is very active on social media. I've done some snooping around and I noticed that she was not coming to my xh's apartment (our old apartment) anymore since June this year. The cOW is now doing things by herself or sometimes with other young men, perhaps her age. Same content though, running, swimming in the creek in her underwear, smiling at the camera. Usually she just filmed herself looking Oh so happy. On my xh's camp, his social media is quite very quiet lately. Not as active as when their true love story started. The last one he posted was when he was in my home country. So if the are not together anymore, their Lurv story lasted for almost 2.5 years and now all the butterflies are gone. What a tragic one as they seemed to be so in love in their pics and videos. My xh wished to have a woman as sporty as him and someone that was from the same country as him, when he complained at BD that we were not compatible as I wasn't sporty enough for him and we came from different cultures. Looks like that didn't work either. But who knows if he has another supply this time. I wouldn't be surprised if he moved on to the next one in line.

As for me, I think I'm getting used to being alone with my dog. Sometimes the man I am dating comes to my place and we do things together. Lately, I have been thinking of taking a break from this relationship. I think we are just not compatible and he's got so much baggage as well that he hasn't actually addressed yet. Or maybe I think I am not ready for a new relationship. It just got harder after my separation. I realized I've always compared him to my xh before he had the crisis. Besides, I also noticed in me that now, I am very cautious with my emotions. I try not to get too close as I don't want to fall in love with someone or get too attached. Perhaps, I'm just scared of getting hurt again to that extent. This year in November it will be two years already since I got divorced  and last saw my xh, and it's been 2.5 years more or less since we finally separated for the last time. It feels long ago when in fact it wasn't. It's been 5 years since the catastrophic BD. I can't believe I've come this far. If I look back, I remember myself so scared of moving out, being alone in a foreign country, so many uncertainties. I remember the pain that I felt not just emotionally but also physically, being in fetus position in my bed, waking up at 3 in the morning wishing it was all a nightmare. I lost 10 kilos in a month and couldn't even take food anymore. I went to work like a robot trying to function as normal. Now that's all in the past. Thanks to my family and friends and the people here who patiently walked me through the whole journey and made me understand that it was not my fault, that none of it was my fault. Years of therapy has helped me a lot to address my own childhood traumas to better understand myself. Once in a while, I still cry especially when I am reminded what I had to go through. Those moments are very rare now. Back then I remember I told myself I wish God would take away this pain because I couldn't take it anymore and I wondered if I would ever stop crying. And there are times when I still miss my xh, the laughters and jokes we shared together, the travelling we did together. I missed those times. And when I am nostalgic sometimes I forget what he did to me which is sometimes quite dangerous because I start to forget the bad things he did to me. And today, looking at the cOW's social media, it reminded me of how cruel he discarded me and how selfish he was. I need those reminders to not to put him on a pedestal again. Like a reality check. I don't think I am totally over it though it has been 5 years since BD. I guess it takes a while till you get to that place where when you get reminded you don't dwell so much time in those memories anymore whether good or bad. I still believe, there's a reason why certain people are taken away from your life. I lost my biggest love, but I also gained friends and most importantly I've slowly found my true self again.  Not the kind of ending I would wish for myself in the beginning of this crisis but I'm glad I survived.

[MadLuv]

I don’t think you ever get over a trauma. You move forward. You adjust, but like any trauma it stays with you. Everyday it’s with me, but now it is about the trauma and not about the MLCer.  Everything about our life together is so tainted now. I will say I am just now in a place where I could consider getting in a relationship. I had to get over him. It took a bit. Also, getting over what was done to not have that affect a new relationship. Seems like maybe thats what your realizing. Maybe your relationship now was your transition to someone who will turn out to be your forever.  I finally realize I dont need anyone now . Anyone who comes into myself will just be an add on in my life.