[zartheit]

I firmly believe that my body understands aspects of events that are not consciously available.

But I guess my body will never forget it or maybe subconsciously it’s still at the back of my mind.

Maybe. I imagine that--just like like in the early and acute stages of having your flesh melted off after the bomb was dropped--you won't feel how you feel forever; not that it makes feeling it right now any easier.

I also want to highlight a wider context. You had your ex-husband replaced with some evil twin which is bewildering enough, but then he tried to destroy you while you were in probably the most vulnerable state you've been since you were an infant. He wanted to annihilate you. Having that type of unfathomable and senseless destruction aimed at you (from likely the most trusted person in your life, no less) is overwhelming. I think of it as psychic shrapnel. Here is something I remember writing:

I pull out these pieces of shrapnel one tear at a time
I've filled scrapyards
My head still sets off metal detectors

But like shrapnel, there is a finite amount. Each shard you can see, you can feel, you can sit with, you can nurture, you can love, you can heal. And what is left is an ever growing collection of love notes to yourself from yourself.

[Dragonfly33]

Thanks Zartheit. It does sound like a trauma right? Looking back, this always happened every time my d anniversary was approaching. I was not even thinking about it. For me it’s just any other day. But somehow my body reacts when it’s approaching. That day when I was in court, it was so traumatic, I felt like a criminal. I had never been in a court trial until that D day und worst was I was in a foreign country with a language I could understand that time around 60-70%. I couldn’t work the next day. My body suffered so much from it.  After all these years I could still feel it in my mind and physically. Now, I understand why I had been dreaming about my ex 5 nights in a row now. It’s like my brain was replaying everything and trying to find reason about everything that happened. Really strange dreams.

[marvin4242]

Absolutely. It is well established that even though you may not be aware of it consciously triggers such as time of year, external events (holidays etc) or sometimes even associative triggers can bring up bubbles of emotions or trauma. And it’s completely understandable that this would be one of those things for you. And if you are not aware of it then it kind of creeps up as it seems to have done for you.

Be kind to yourself, do the same things you would have done when it was actually happening as self-care, and allow yourself to process some of it in another spin around the circle as we say.

[Treasur]

I agree with everyone else. That was my experience too, that kind of muscle memory that can knock you to one side perhaps bc it is unexpected.

I would encourage you to look into EMDR. And it isn’t too ‘late’. My experience was that it sort of fades the colours of the muscle memory. Hard to put into words but I found it highly effective in ways I could not even have foreseen.