[zartheit]

I firmly believe that my body understands aspects of events that are not consciously available.

But I guess my body will never forget it or maybe subconsciously it’s still at the back of my mind.

Maybe. I imagine that--just like like in the early and acute stages of having your flesh melted off after the bomb was dropped--you won't feel how you feel forever; not that it makes feeling it right now any easier.

I also want to highlight a wider context. You had your ex-husband replaced with some evil twin which is bewildering enough, but then he tried to destroy you while you were in probably the most vulnerable state you've been since you were an infant. He wanted to annihilate you. Having that type of unfathomable and senseless destruction aimed at you (from likely the most trusted person in your life, no less) is overwhelming. I think of it as psychic shrapnel. Here is something I remember writing:

I pull out these pieces of shrapnel one tear at a time
I've filled scrapyards
My head still sets off metal detectors

But like shrapnel, there is a finite amount. Each shard you can see, you can feel, you can sit with, you can nurture, you can love, you can heal. And what is left is an ever growing collection of love notes to yourself from yourself.

[Dragonfly33]

Thanks Zartheit. It does sound like a trauma right? Looking back, this always happened every time my d anniversary was approaching. I was not even thinking about it. For me it’s just any other day. But somehow my body reacts when it’s approaching. That day when I was in court, it was so traumatic, I felt like a criminal. I had never been in a court trial until that D day und worst was I was in a foreign country with a language I could understand that time around 60-70%. I couldn’t work the next day. My body suffered so much from it.  After all these years I could still feel it in my mind and physically. Now, I understand why I had been dreaming about my ex 5 nights in a row now. It’s like my brain was replaying everything and trying to find reason about everything that happened. Really strange dreams.

[marvin4242]

Absolutely. It is well established that even though you may not be aware of it consciously triggers such as time of year, external events (holidays etc) or sometimes even associative triggers can bring up bubbles of emotions or trauma. And it’s completely understandable that this would be one of those things for you. And if you are not aware of it then it kind of creeps up as it seems to have done for you.

Be kind to yourself, do the same things you would have done when it was actually happening as self-care, and allow yourself to process some of it in another spin around the circle as we say.

[Treasur]

I agree with everyone else. That was my experience too, that kind of muscle memory that can knock you to one side perhaps bc it is unexpected.

I would encourage you to look into EMDR. And it isn’t too ‘late’. My experience was that it sort of fades the colours of the muscle memory. Hard to put into words but I found it highly effective in ways I could not even have foreseen.

[Dragonfly33]

Hi everyone,

I rarely write here as there's not much going on in my life or anything to do with my ex midlifer. But I still visit this place every time I feel the residues of the MLC. I can't really totally get rid of it, to be honest. There are still days although rarely that I am reminded of the pain I had to go through or days I still miss my ex no matter how assholic his actions were towards me.

So my update related to my ex:
In December last year, I decided to not greet him on his birthday and Christmas. I was radio silence. Then around January, I accidentally called him instead of looking at the profile pic he posted but I hang up right away.  He texted me right away if I needed something and greeted me a happy new year. Then after that, we never had any communication anymore. This month, I celebrated my 50th birthday. It's been 7 years since BD. How time flies. I didn't expect him to greet me as I didn't greet him on his birthday either. But he texted me and greeted me. It sounded friendly and neutral. I responded and since then we texted quite a bit this month. Sometimes, he would flirt (I think that's how it sounded). I usually do not entertain the flirty messages. But recently, I asked about the safest areas in Paris as he knows the city well than me. I am planning to go there in May with my sister to celebrate my birthday and I wanted to make sure we are in a safe place. He asked me when I was going and I jokingly said why was he asking and if he wanted to come along. I love Paris and we always went there when we were still married. He then told me he would come if I invited him. Basically, there was a back and forth joke around that topic. He even told me he could take care of my dog or I could leave my dog with his uncle in Paris while I visit museums with my sister.  I could have never imagined I could be this civil with him and I could joke like this with him after that horrible BD. I remember I told him once we divorced, he would never have access to me again. We would never be friends. I don't consider us friends still but I guess I can live with being civil with each other.

In one of our text exchanges, he considered himself as one of the people from my country. And he is going there every year now. This is very odd to me because when he decided to check out from our marriage he told me the reason he wanted to separate was because we had differrent cultures. I know, nothing with MLC is logical. From that small window I had in his life, I guess he is happy and content. I asked him once if he is happy now and he said, he is happy with his body and with what he is doing (he meant triathlon). He told me he wanted to stay positive and therefore he surrounds himself with only positive people. I am not quite sure what he meant about that. Perhaps just people who talk about positive things which for me is a bit unrealistic because life will not be always positive. He told me he has friends he goes with to Thailand every year to train and they just have a good time and a good laugh. For me it sounds a bit like a teenager. My friends old and new are positive but you cannot avoid talking about things in life that are not positive, because we all do have problems and sometimes we share them with our friends. So anyway, I told him if he's happy then he should stay that way.

As for me, I am happy with my life. Sometimes, I do miss having someone to talk to, someone I can rely on and sometimes share my not so amazing days. I have new hobbies now, and I enjoy doing them with friends. I learned to do things alone and still enjoy it. I learned a lot living alone, fending for myself and solving problems on my own. I gained a couple of new friends from my neighborhood. I feel like I am my own person now. As for dating part, I haven't dated anymore. I just don't have the energy to start from scratch again and perhaps I am also a bit cautious now. One doesn't get out of that experience unscathed. It changed me as a person. I don't just trust men anymore. That innocence was gone. I realized I relied so much on my ex and it's something I will never do again I guess because I lost myself in the process and I was very vulnerable in the end. I guess I would never allow myself to be that vulnerable again.

[Nas]

Interesting to note that his response to being asked if he was happy was immediately two superficial or outside sources: his body and “positive people.”
Whether he’s actually content with himself or not, you can never know but it sounds like you are doing well. As far as never trusting men again, never say never. Every single person is different, don’t let your ex make you paint an entire group with one brush. You just have to understand yourself and your boundaries well enough that you don’t accept situations that don’t align with your values and needs. I’m really happy to hear you’re going to Paris for your birthday and I hope you have a great time. Profitez des musées (I googled that, I don’t speak French 😉)
Happy birthday!

[Dragonfly33]

Thank you Nas! i’m excited to do a road trip with my sister in France. She’s coming to Europe all the way from the US.

My uncle said the same thing that not all men are like him. The thing is my dad was also a womanizer so to experience that twice, it’s difficult to trust again. But you are absolutely right, I also believe there are good men out there and I I know that because here in HS they exist.

As for his answer about being happy, that was the first thing I noticed as well. He didn’t tell me he was happy but he said he was happy with his body and with triathlon or with the people around him. Now I actually remember when we had the MC he told our counselor that he didn’t want to work on the marriage but he wanted to find the tools to find his happiness. I guess he found it finally. If he’s happy internally or not I will never know. He looks good though from the picture he sent me. He said he’s happy with his bike, like you said all coming from outside sources. Maybe he’s like me, I am happy with a lot of things in life. I’m happy with myself and  my dog but sometimes I do feel lonely and overwhelmed being alone. That’s when I wish I had someone with me.

I hope you are doing well Nas.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello!

I have been really busy with work and everything else and I just have not found the time to post and rationale thoughts. I don't know if you have already celebrated, but happy 50! I hope you had or will have a great time with your sister in Paris. We were going to go to Paris in 2027, but I need to replace my roof and that pushes the trip further back. Oh well!

Now onto your post:

but he wanted to find the tools to find his happiness. I guess he found it finally.

One of the signs of MLC is the proverbial search for complete "happiness". Just like the lost city of El Dorado, it's a myth. Happiness like other emotions come and go. MLCers think that if they make some changes and do things differently, they will unlock the chest and achieve that magical moment that will last forever. I don't see your ex as happy; I see some who is driven to prove he is happy.

Like your ex,  I am happy that I still can workout, but I do need to watch my diet. My happiness is eating food, so maybe I am too happy.

I don't know your ex and I have never met you either. However, I feel that you are like me in that we both are people pleasers. We want to make those around us happy. I think the hardest aspect you have in regards to letting go is that you, tiny little you, made your ex unhappy and that is why he left. I felt that if I had been a better man, husband, and father that my ex would not have cheated on me either.  Now, there is nothing wrong with trying to make the people around you happy. Just yesterday, I grilled steaks for my wife and her son and his boyfriend. It was delicious and we had a great meal. That is all good, but when we obsess with making everyone happy and if things are not perfect, we self absorb it as our failure and all our fault. Have you ever considered that your ex was depressed prior to your marriage, was depressed during your marriage, and is still depressed today and there is nothing you or anyone else can do to help him with his internal issues?

I'm not saying that there isn't MLC. I just feel that MLC intensifies the situation. However, the triggers for the MLC were present way before you were on the scene.

I am happy with a lot of things in life. I’m happy with myself and  my dog but sometimes I do feel lonely and overwhelmed being alone. That’s when I wish I had someone with me.

That puts you ahead of a lot of folks. I do understand the need for that special someone and trust me, I totally get that feeling. I also want you to know that there are many people who feel just as lonely and they are with someone. My hope is that you find the right person that "gets" you and appreciates you for the person that you are; not the person that they hope you will become.

Keep growing and always be kind to yourself!

(((Ready)))

[Dragonfly33]

Hello Ready, thank you for the greetings. I celebrated my birthday back in April but I told my sister to come during my holiday so we can spend a lot of time together. The trip to France was so much fun with my sister. We travelled in the Normandie, Bretagne and Bourgogne region. It was easy because I brought my car. It was such a memorable trip. We also travelled here in Switzerland, there was no time to rest. But it's all worth it.

As for being a people pleaser, yes, I am the world champion of pleasing people. And part of it is good but sometimes you can lose yourself while people pleasing. I don't know how my ex was before the marriage, if he had depression. But during the marriage he did have a burnout. Whether I was around or not, I guess it was inevitable. He would have a burnout due to work stress and also sleeping problems. I used to blame myself because he blamed me, but in hindsight, none of it was my fault. Even now, he still has problems with all sorts of body pain, sleeping, etc despite me being gone for almost a decade now. And I agree with you, the MLC intensified everything. Though, i have to say the whole womanizing and the lying thing was already there even before he met me. In hindsight, I don't know which part of that marriage was true and which part was a lie. I don't know what else he was lying about, especially when he was assigned abroad. But, that doesn't matter now. I cannot change what happened and it doesn't affect my future anymore.

Recently, while I was travelling in France, my ex and I were communicating. I sent him pictures of the places we once visited when we were still married. I also told him stories of me meeting some people on the trip who in complimented me and my sister. Some of these people were men. So for me as a 50 year old, I felt flattered and some encouters are really funny. I recounted him some of the stories and whenever it involved a male person, he would tell me he was not interested. Basically, he was pissed off and told me he didn't understand why I was telling those stories to him. I told him, I told him the stories because I find them funny and it was not only him I told the stories. I told it to my other friends. He told me he was not just "a friend" to me. I don't understand what it meant but I told him, I won't be telling stories anymore. Perhaps it was inappropriate that I told him those stories but I didn't have any intention to make him jealous or whatever as I have no intention anymore of getting back together. I gave up standing a long time ago. I just find the reaction a bit weird.
Anyway, he's now in my home country, I guess joining a triathlon competition. Haven't hear from him anymore. Maybe it's a good thing. haha

As for me, I realized when my sister was here, that nothing more that makes me happy than being with my family. I am happiest when I am with them. I forget about the hard things in life. We had a lot of fun moment where we got to laugh a lot. My sister kept telling me I should try dating again but honestly, nowadays it's just hard to meet good and sincere people. But who knows, one day. If it comes, and when I'm ready, I might give it a try once again.