I had a very odd week. The beginning of the week literally began with a "bang" in the form of a blown tire. Very long story, but suffice it to say, I found myself just shaking my head. I was in disbelief and should have been angrier about it all, but I dealt with it and moved on. After all was said and done, all the thoughts that went through my head were it "could have been worse" and "$h!te happens". Yet, it was just the start of the week and it set the overall pace and tone. I was exhausted last night and found myself drifting in and out of sleep from 7 pm on as I sat with D.
Wednesday, I was fortunately working remotely, as my car sat in the repair shop. I was able to tackle some work and the weather was good, so I took a couple of breaks. The dog was happy to have me around but wasn't thrilled with my need to be in the office. She was wanting to go take advantage of the good weather.
I took her for a walk and noticed the new neighbors, who had begun moving in over previous weekend had made significant progress. I stopped into see my parents on the way back in part because the dog won't let me just walk by there. She has her routine and it gives me an excuse to check in on my parents without them thinking I am checking up on them.
My F was't home at the time I popped in. That would mean later I would be prompted by the dog to stop again when we walked, because she loves my F. I was able to share with my M that the new neighbors do in fact have little kids, which made my M happy to know. She has been so very sad about their long time friends moving, even though they see them from time to time, but it is different no longer seeing them at their former house. My parents and that couple moved in around the same time, so for over 50 years they were neighbors and close friends. The fact that little kids are there, made my M smile saying it will be nice to hear laughter and have a new family growing up there.
I left their house and my other neighbor was outside. I haven't seen her in ages. Her H has been a phantom and she shared he was not well and had been in the hospital. We were chatting when a car drove by. I had my back to the car and my neighbor waved but she had a funny look on her face. Out of her mouth came "I have no idea who that was". As the car drove past, I couldn't see who it was, but then it clicked with me immediately. It was Xh. Not the usual day he comes into town - and no, I don't really pay attention, but for the past few years it has been on a Thursday that he consistently had client meetings in the area. That had been that way before MLC.
In fact, tbh, I don't know what Xh's "new" vehicle looks like. I know vaguely what he drives, as S told me it is an older Jeep Wrangler and it is black, but those are a dime a dozen around here. And, normally on Thursdays I am at the college when he would be driving by - if he came this way, so I haven't had to encounter him at all. This time, he was driving the SUV he sold to his sister, so I recognized it.
D was home and he didn't bother to stop to see her nor send her a text, etc. It is probably what annoyed me the most. He took the time to drive by and came down the road for whatever reason. I have said it before, there is no reason for him to come this way considering it is not the only nor most direct route back to where he lives.
D was just letting the cat out when Xh drove by and she saw the vehicle. I came home to find her just shaking her head. She said she wouldn't have really noticed had he not beeped the horn and scared the cat initially. What could I say to her?
Later that afternoon, D had to go to work and I needed a ride to pick up my car. My F offered to drive me to the shop. We were chatting away and he told me I would never guess who he had seen earlier in the morning. I had no clue. My F had gone for his usual cup of morning coffee and sat with his usual group of friends. I had taken a stab at guessing that maybe it was this one or that one who I know usually come to visit this time of year. My F said no and told me it took him by complete surprise. I had no clue.
The last encounter my F had with Xh was not a pleasant one. S was mortified when he had gone with my F to an event and knew Xh would be there. Xh and my F had been incredibly close. My F is not one to be unkind and will be civil at least with anyone, especially in a public place and even more so when it has to do with protecting the kids. He would be very careful to hide his feelings for the sake of his grandchildren when it came to Xh. He knew that S was already nervous about seeing Xh with my F in tow. S was so upset when he came home that evening and shared that my F had been very nice and attempted to converse about the event and Xh's antique car and Xh was nasty and rude.
The thing is my F had so many reasons especially at that time to be beyond angry with Xh. It was shortly after the divorce and Xh tried to drag my parents into the mix going so far as to have his attorney issue a subpoena for a court appearance. It never got that far because I went to my attorney and made a concession, one that would cost me financially but I was not playing that game with my parents and S was also sent a subpeona, all because Xh was trying to emancipate S. In the end, I would do it again that way. The monetary loss didn't matter to me. I was in protective mode.
Since that event years ago, my F has not seen Xh. The divorce was official 7 years ago and that event has to be about a year after that, so it has been easily 6 years.
My F said at first he didn't recognize him. He said my description is accurate and there is no way he would have pictured this version based on what he had known for over 30 years. He said Xh came up to him and shook his hand and behaved like they had been old friends who hadn't seen each other in years. Like nothing has changed. He asked my F how everyone was. Now in general, that is a common question and one anyone might ask, but my F found it to be such an odd thing, as the tone was what seemed strange for him. A forced, overly friendly. My F, started to tell me his response. I already could guess what had gone through my F's head and what his response would be since it is exactly how I probably would have responded. My F told me he was not unkind, but he simply said "we are all fine". My F told me that he was a bit perplexed as to what Xh might expect. Did he think that my F would share more than "fine" with him?
I laughed and said well must be it had Xh feeling nostalgic or nosy because he drove by a couple of hours later and beeped at the neighbor and I. My F laughed and asked how that went over. I told him the neighbor didn't recognize him and I was a bit annoyed later in the day.
Look, Xh can drive wherever he wants. Just like I have gone by his house when I have travelled to my friend's house and have to go right by Xh's to get there. But, this seems a bit different. It was curiosity, I suppose. Or maybe more. I highly doubt it was just coincidence. And in that regard it is fine. But, part of me was annoyed because I have worked so hard to put him and the MLC behind me.
Maybe it was because I was walking the dog and had been finding a bit of peace in my week after all of the chaos that had happened. I was feeling relaxed and he disrupted that. Maybe it was the feeling of him invading what I have worked so hard to make my own. IDK - I just know it wasn't stirring questions about MLC and what stage he is in.
I am not angry about Xh being in the area now. I moved on rather quickly. I do know it is in part preparing me for the inevitable and running into him somewhere when I am with my person. I had been preparing myself for that possibility in the places where I might run into Xh rather easily due to the common stores in a town nearby we both frequent. Now, I found myself realizing that it may be on my own turf so to speak.
When it comes to who I am with. I am very protective of my new relationship, which is how I am in general. I don't care what he knows in the sense that, I have nothing to hide as if it is some scandal. I am very grateful to be who I am with. I am happy. I don't need to hide that from anyone. I just don't want to share that part of my life in any way with Xh and with those I have drawn boundaries with.
I am realistic and know that Xh may know bits and pieces of my life just due to the fact that we still share some people we know in common outside of S. I also know that it is inevitable Xh is going to run into me one day with this person, as long as they continue to be in my life. I am not stupid enough to think that isn't going to happen.
I think part of me has a fear when it comes to Xh and his ability to blow life up. I value this relationship too much to have Xh cause problems and it is probably an irrational fear, but it is there.
Sometimes the finish line is just the start of somethin' new
Author
Topic: