UrsaMajor - that clip sums up what herding cats would look like.
It has been a stretch since I have posted, it seems. I have had moments where I have considered it, but then found myself pulling back. Maybe it was what needed to happen in that, I honestly needed to refocus my energies a bit. For one, it is hard enough at times to push the MLC to the background of my life. BD was years ago now and it no longer hurts the same way, but the triggers do sometimes creep in and that is something that I have had to accept may always be there in some form. The difference is now I recognize them quicker and can usually work through them quickly. If anything, they surprise me more now when they happen.
The summer flew by, in part because I was able to spend more time with a certain someone in my life. My sister introduced him as my BF to a group and then sort of paused, concerned maybe that was not a comfortable term. It is in essence what I call him when asked, but it seems like a strange term to use at my age, and divorced, yet I am not a fan (for myself) of some of the other terms people use. The label is not important in the grand scheme, that is, I know that there is no one else I am even remotely interested in and our time together, while not as frequent as perhaps I sometimes wish for, is easy and comfortable, yet not in some mundane way. It is comfortable in that for the first time in what seems like forever, there is no pressure for me to be anyone but myself. I do miss him more now than I did before when we are apart and that is a bit jarring for me, I will admit. I never expected that to be a feeling that would ever exist again for another person. At BD no one would have ever convinced me that my feelings would change for Xh and I could be really happy with someone else.
The truth of the matter is, detaching was the best thing for me. It was a hard decision to finally make for me. Going against my own beliefs about marriage and somehow trying to reconcile in my head what had happened to the man I knew and loved was a very long journey. I know with every fiber of my being now though that staying with Xh and somehow trying to ride it out would have completely destroyed me mentally and physically, not to mention the financial fallout. He did not care, nor does he seem to care now.
I have found myself referring to Xh by his name more and more. I found that when I referred to him as "my Xh" it seemed to close for me. The more time I spent with the person in my life now, the more it felt odd - for me and no one else - to have Xh seem like a close person when I used the word my next to him. He was once "my" person. He is in my past, but that pesky word "my" bothered me. It seems silly, but I realized that in order to move past my own hang up about it, I needed to try and eliminate that possessive aspect for myself. It strangely helped me detach more.
Now, when I say I have detached more, it doesn't mean I somehow have banned any mention of him. I didn't have one of my famous bonfires and burn his things or memories of him. I did clean out more things that no longer have a place in my life that were his or ours, but most were just things that maybe were decorations, etc. There were no tears. No fanfare. I found new homes for them after first asking the kids if they wanted them.
I had a weird trigger that I haven't had in a long time and it revolved around the start of school. The first day of school for 2 years in a row I had been hit with BDs - 1 & 2, followed by my finalized divorce papers arriving the third year the first day of that school year. It took some serious work to move past that trigger in the past, and I had shaken it - so I thought. Unfortunately, there were a couple of other things that simply piled on and I was a little rattled. The fact that I was triggered is what shocked me more than anything and I admit it made me pretty emotional. But the emotions were really more about being angry and upset with myself for being knocked down by it at all after so many months.
Summer and fall have not been without some Xh interactions. I have not seen him, but he contacted S and asked to borrow S's trailer awhile back. S asked me if it was okay. That made me laugh and I asked why would I care? S said Xh would have to come and pick it up and Xh was concerned I would maybe find it awkward. S and I both laughed when I responded "only if he makes it awkward". I told S that I wasn't going to run and hide, but Xh should not expect some invite in for dinner either. If I had seen him, so be it. I would not be unkind and said to S that I was more concerned about it being awkward for he or D. S ended up delivering the trailer because he had to be in that part of the region for a work related job. Now S is aggravated because Xh seemed in a rush to borrow the trailer, but has yet to return it or even use it.
D tried to yet again be the one to reach out and present an olive branch. She and S went on a trip and she came across some of Xh's favorite candy, which is hard to find. S delivered it and Xh right away thanked S, who said it was not from him. Xh reached out to D and said thank you. She opened the door for him and he peaked through and then has promptly slammed it shut again. She gave him an easy in. No pressure on her end, but clearly it is too much for him. He proceeded to go away the next week and asked S to watch the cottage and psycho dog and never once mentioned it to D. S assumed that Xh and D were back to talking. Needless to say S felt bad when he was the one that mentioned Xh had gone on a road trip.
Then came the shock that I am still trying to wrap my head around as are both kids. On his trip he decided to get a tattoo. That would not have really shocked me. The giant tattoo on his back was a shock. S only showed me when we were discussing something else and it opened up the opportunity to share it with me. He in fact asked me if I could guess whose tattoo it was. Yah, I had no clue. Now, it seems Xh is planning on a full back tattoo, which had S scratching his head last night and saying to me that was not on his Bingo card. Mine either. Gotta admit.
I think the most frustrating thing to come up happened last night. I have had some very unexpected expenses that really cut into my little bit of savings deeply and I was already frustrated. Bouncing back from this financial mess that was directly related to the MLC months and in part by me not putting the brakes on any of it has been a battle. And I do realize I probably wouldn't have been able to it anyways, since by the time I realized what was going on it was like trying to stop a runaway freight train. It is funny when life now kicks me financially, I get frustrated but it is nothing like last night's frustration that zapped my energy immediately.
I had come home from work and was worn out. I had been very busy and thought missing a step at work was a good idea and fell down the small flight of stairs. I was banged up, but not hurt badly. Today, I am just achy and have friction burns in a couple of spots from the fall. Nothing serious. Just felt stupid. So, I came home and was trying to relax. Then D informs me the internet wasn't working properly. I addressed that and had to call back again today. Then another question and some other stupid issue. I sort of laughed and figured it was not the night to take on any big tasks. As D was making dinner, she paused and said that S wasn't going to tell me, because he took care of it, and didn't want to upset me. It would seem that S went to pay a medical bill for his recent Dr visit and they informed him that he had a past balance from 2016 of $400. I was processing the whole thing and then D said the reason S didn't say anything to me was because that was during the divorce months. S would have been 18.
Let's just say I was beyond upset. I was upset because it is part of the mess of funds Xh was supposed to take care of. Just like the taxes he neglected to deal with at that time and I ended up paying. It made me feel so incredibly stupid for not knowing this existed and embarrassed. I try so hard to be responsible, even when I don't want to be. It feeds into the narrative that Xh used that I was the one who ran up credit cards and destroyed our finances. He sold that story to all who would listen. So here I was feeling like I somehow have just proven him right. I know - it is not necessarily the reality, but I was mortified. I was upset S was left to clean up a mess that should not have been his to clean up. Yes, he is an adult, I realize, but that time period was so tough for all of us. I felt bad he felt like has to protect me from the mess.
I went to bed last night feeling shame that I really shouldn't have felt in reality. That whole time period, I was lucky I was functioning at all. I have already forgiven myself for only being able to just get up and go to work most days.
This morning D and I went out to deliver a piece of artwork of mine that was accepted into an exhibit. We stopped at the coffee shop and she pushed me aside when I went to pay for our order. She shook her head and said it was on her. She said she realized last night that I am the reason she and S have a roof over their heads and I have kept my promise to both of them to help them get on their feet so they can have some stability. S has been able to make some good financial moves that will help him in the long run and D is able to focus on grad school applications and deciding her next move. As we drove home she said she sees that she and S do help around the house, but maybe they both need to contribute in other ways too.
Maybe it is what needed to happen. IDK. I am still licking my wounds over it all. I have to have S get me a copy of the statement, because I simply want to know what the bill is even for, considering I carried the health insurance at that time. I suspect it has something to do with immunizations and such for college, but it is frustrating.
Part of the frustration is wrapped up in my own feelings of embarrassment. I am still working through those feelings. It is not just the financial embarrassment right now. It is also that I am angry that the MLC BS just reappeared. When will that just stop haunting me?
On the plus side - at least it is just sporadic and not a constant. If anything it reminds me when I feel this way, that this is how I felt for months when MLC was just a daily event. I couldn't get any footing. I cannot imagine feeling this way daily and it amazes me that I survived at all. Maybe I just needed a reminder.
Sometimes the finish line is just the start of somethin' new
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