Thank you, UrsaMajor, JohnnyBravo and Nas for the comic relief.
Well, getting D to grad school didn't come without some bumps along the way. The week before she was to move in, her car starting displaying the engine light and sporadically having some issues. It went into the shop and the transmission is going. She has an offsite job and will need a reliable vehicle for her clinical assignments which will not be accessible with public transportation.
No sooner had we solved her car issue - by me taking on another vehicle and she is using it, did my car need repairs. I am pretty certain the one issue that appeared is a result of the accident in May which made me quite aggravated. The timing sucks, to be quite honest. I vented a bit and then let it go.
Yesterday, I was out with my friend at a concert. We both had splurged on a day away. Not a ridiculously expensive day out, but we have both had a rough go of it with unexpected hits the past month. We had a fun afternoon and when she dropped me off, S looked at me and asked if I wanted the bad news or the worse news. Oh yippee. He told me I wouldn't be able to have my car back for a longer period of time because we were going to have to order some additional parts. One general wear and tear item that makes sense with the accident. It is one of those things that could be ignored, but as he said it is better to just replace it since he is replacing other parts.
Part of me was feeling as if suddenly I was being punished for going out and doing something frivolous. I let it go and my friend commented that she was shocked I wasn't more upset. I laughed and said I realized that it was going to be a waste of energy worrying about it or venting about. I also commented that perhaps it might hit me later. It still hasn't.
I woke up this morning thinking about the weekend and some events that came to light. I had pretty well gotten them out of my system yesterday between talking to my sister and my friend about them.
D had come home for the holiday weekend. She was spending time with her BF, who she hasn't really had much time with at all now that school started. He has been working long hours at work and just learned he past his certification tests for teaching, so he will be searching for jobs. They have had a lot to catch up on. I saw her a couple of times here and there, but for the most part, I was alone a great deal. S was working and then announced last minute he was going to SIL's for a picnic. He later said he thought D had been invited. Nope. I told him to let it go. BIL 4 was visiting with his D and grandchild.
Strangely, this same niece had reached out and made a friend request on FB two days prior. During the divorce, she was a teenager and unfriended me and both kids. I had kept in touch with her M and sister over the years. I didn't make a big deal about it at the time she unfriended me. IDK when, but some years back she added both kids back onto her FB friends. I know the whole dynamic was difficult and I was just happy that S was able to see her and she is well. I didn't get a message from her on FB. I simply accepted her request and let it go. I am not one to spend a whole lot of time on social media as it is.
None of this had me too wound up. I thought about how it all was just more of the same, TBH. I had a small fit about having to be the only parent and being it all the time. It is exhausting. Moving both kids in and out of college each time. Helping them with other problems. I have had really good support systems for myself and the kids over the years, so gratitude pushed my exasperation over Xh out of the way. He has made his choices and there are in fact consequences for them. It is sad, but I have no say or pull.
And, to punctuate how little pull I would possibly have, my sister called this weekend with a shocked tone in her voice. She and BIL had gone to a concert together. She and BIL saw Xh from a distance at the same concert. She said he was holding hands with some woman and she went on to describe her. I honestly have not had any idea who has been in his life or not. I have had my suspicions over the years, but I have cared less and less. I went online and pulled up a OWs name and up popped a current photo of her with her current info. I sent the photo to my sister who confirmed it was her.
Now, the funny thing about any of this to me is, I haven't snooped in ages about Xh or her. It was curiosity, I suppose in this case. My sister said it made sense why I might want to know that bit of information, because we run in the same circles and I have already been prepared to run into Xh at some point. I haven't really prepared for the possibility of seeing Xh and OW together though. Another woman - I wouldn't be really as shocked, but OW, still will trigger me, I know that.
The interesting thing that popped up with this current photo is that it also listed her as still married, but it would seem her H has moved out and is living in the next town over. It also confirms that she owns several apartments now and Xh's cottage is in fact, as I suspected years ago, one of those properties.
The thing is, I had all of this information and I said to my sister "so what". That is really what it amounted to for me. The bigger feelings I was dealing with were stranger.
I know Xh and I were in love and he was a wonderful H and F for a long time. I know I didn't jump into a relationship with him. I just am having a harder and harder time understanding why I even fell in love with him. I came to the conclusion yesterday that I think it is because he is no longer even remotely like the man I knew. It is hard to put that together in my head as time has moved along - the man he was vs the man he is. They are like two very distinctly different people. At times, I have wondered if it was all an illusion.
I honestly haven't really given any of those thoughts much time as of late, but that "sighting" made me think a little. I called my sister back after pondering what was I was trying to sort out in terms of what I was feeling in that moment. I have concluded that the reality is that I don't want Xh to meet whom D now refers to as "my human". (It is a small victory having D refer to him as that - LOL). I don't want to share that part of my life with Xh and maybe it brought to the surface the trigger of OW still being around. It was an irrational fear, certainly because "my human" is not that type to fall for OW's BS. Yet, she so upended my life and was relentless in her pursuit. The games she played with my life beyond Xh made me set aside a box of evidence in case I ever had to use it against her.
It boils down to, I have settled into a life that has been chaotic at times, but it hasn't had the same type of drama. I am back to being true to myself and not feeling as if I have to protect myself against the nonsense that MLC and OW brought to the household. The knowledge that they are still together is not shocking, and in reality changes nothing. However, it seems that their relationship is more out in the open now and knowing that I have accepted it is just a matter of time when I will encounter the two of them together.
Do I care in the grand scheme? No. She "won" her prize. I truly am not upset about it. Both my sister and friend noted that I am clearly more focusing on "my human" than the former H.
Sometimes the finish line is just the start of somethin' new
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