[Treasur]

I am so very sorry for all of you, what a terrible loss of what sounds like a splendid young human. And I am very glad your BF just showed up, that he got it, that he understood that you need someone to have your back bc you will be busy trying to have your kids’ back. Showing up matters so, doesn’t it? Please try to take care of yourself where you can. We know, and you know, that grief and trauma have a compound effect and big ripples that sometimes churn up stuff we don’t expect. Think of it like channelling your mother perhaps; try to do for you what she would do for you if she was still here physically to do it. Hugs to you all from here.

[UrsaMajor]

Was this young man the "cookie Monster" that you described often who exchanged Baked Goods for lawn mowing?

I am so sorry for all three of you. Just seems like one thing after another doesn't it? At least your support person was/is able to help and you know for real he is a rock, despite Metallica shirts....

As for LFVGWDWE Ex, what is there to say? Unless the Mid-Lifer is REALLY invested in doing the work they need to do to resolve whatever it is inside them that is driving them, they are simply unable to change. My mom, in her practice, had a rule (she dealt occasionally with alcoholics and there are many very close parallels / similarities to MLC from what I can see) that she would not even entertain taking on an alcoholic client unless that client sincerely demonstrated that they were personally invested in changing their behavior. Otherwise, she said, it is a waste of the time for both of them and the client's money. I see that in many of the stories here - the Mid-Lifer doesn't change because they have no vested interest in doing so and, without that, there is insufficient motivation. They seem to think that they can just waltz in and out of the lives of those they Bombed or dropped and everything will just be hunky-dory. They simply ignore or are oblivious to the damage they have done in their madness....

Sending you and your family hugs.

just remember to do the normal stuff like eat and sleep......

[FaithWalker]

MD, I am so sorry for the loss of your M and also this young man that was so special to all of you!  For all the ways that it's tough for me, dealing with my M's dementia, I've been so grateful at how slowly it's been progressing and need to remember to cherish the time I have with her.

I'm so glad that you, D and S have each other and that you have this wonderful gentleman in your life as well!  And I'm glad that your F has you all too!  Sending some virtual ((((HUGS)))) your way.

[MourningDove]

Thank you UrsaMajor & FaithWalker.

Yes, it was the young man - the "Cookie Monster" we lost. It doesn't seem real and while losing my M was really awful, this almost is harder to grasp. He was so young and so good. My M, had a really full life and I was blessed to have her for so long. This -- makes no sense at all.

The memorial service was this past weekend. My "good man" made the trip here even though I was finding every excuse for him not to come. It wasn't that I didn't want him here, in fact on the contrary. I just am not terribly good at asking for things. I think I have become so accustomed to being on my own, that more than before, I think about how I don't want to inconvenience anyone and I can do it on my own. I am glad he made the final decision for me. I may have been bouncing around the room during what I would call more of a celebration of "Cookie Monster" than a memorial. It was not somber, yet there were plenty of tears. It was an outpouring of how much support the family has and how loved this young man was. It was in fact overwhelming seeing how many people showed up. The venue was packed to capacity and that is not counting those who came in and left throughout the afternoon.

S and D drove together and hadn't arrived yet, when I was greeted by S's friends. I was congratulated on my engagement, which surprised me. The one friend who S has known for several years mentioned S had told him immediately and was really happy for me. I had a smidge of guilt feeling so happy for myself, but I am learning more and more that grief and happiness can happen in the same time period. It is an odd mix. Life is not neat, nor are the emotions that come along with life's events.

My sister had prepared D for Xh's arrival and told D the reason I hadn't told her the night before was because I didn't want to ruin D's evening. D had been asked to be in her friend's bridal party and they were having a get together for the bride's maids. My sister worried I was going to be upset that she was the one that broke it to D, but I wasn't. It didn't matter who told her. D was already a mess, she is so heartbroken about their "little brother" as she calls him. S has had me to grieve with at home and his friends. D is back at school and it's a bit harder for her to just let go.

She did share with me that about a week after "Cookie Monster" died, she took a walk and sat by the lake. She was crying uncontrollably. A couple came by and asked if she was okay. She told them she had lost her close friend - her little buddy - and they in turn comforted her and asked her to tell them about him. I keep tearing up, knowing there are good people out there who took the time to comfort a complete stranger.

The need for boundaries though, it would seem have reemerged. Xh showed up to the event. S told me Xh almost refused to show up but S said it really was not about Xh's feelings and Xh owed it to the neighbors, who we had known for many years. Xh and the neighbor were once close friends and that young man was at the house every day practically. Xh at least had known him well for the first 13 or so years of this young man's life.

S has not shared with Xh that I am engaged and has not shared with him much about my life. S told me it is not Xh's business and I can share what I wish with him, but he won't be just giving Xh access to my life. Nor does he tell me much about Xh, beyond sometimes a funny story or that Xh and his one B are now not speaking after spending 2 weeks together. Another feud that will go on and then suddenly they will all be traveling together or whatever and never resolving what the argument was about in the first place. It is why the one BIL I stay in touch with doesn't have much to do with the family. He said the family desire to have constant drama is tiring.

I caught a glimpse of Xh when he came in. The venue is very oddly laid out and Xh spent a great deal of time at this place with FIL. The kids and I would sometimes be with them, but they were there at least once a week, since FIL found some people to converse with. So, Xh knows the venue well. He would know it has at least 4 entrances/exits. He would know that there are a couple of outer corridors that loop you back to the main areas. There are three main areas all connected in the center with sliding louvered doors if one needed to close off an area. It is not going to win any architectural awards, but it is perfect for this type of gathering, or at least it is one of the few venues locally that can handle larger crowds of that nature that isn't ridiculously expensive to rent. The point is, Xh's "move" was calculated. I have no doubt in my mind.

I was standing with my back to him at one point and he at the other end of the building. I was clearly with someone as we stood with one another and D was across from us. At some point Xh had made his way to the bar. He had to have walked right by us, unless he used the corridor or the "secret passage" the kids used to call it - when they were younger they used to giggle because they would go down that hallway and pop up at the other end of the building and we were supposed to act surprised like it was some magic trick. IDK if Xh walked past us to the bar or not - none of us saw him.

Xh made a choice. There is no doubt in my mind about it. He chose to walk past us on the way back. He chose to make a statement. He could have taken any other route or even gone to other side of the pass through which is a very large opening and avoided us. He made a definitive choice. I saw him immediately and my "good man" saw my expression change. Xh was coming towards us. D's back was to him. He looked right at me and snarked "I am just going to keep on moving" or something of that nature. It was in the tone - not the words so much. It was meant to be a stab. D knew immediately who said it and saw his back heading towards the other end of the venue to where S's friends were. The one friend would later come up and stand next to D and knows something had to have happened. D was practically a puddle on the floor at one point. My "good man" walked away at first to give D and I a moment so D could just sob. He then stepped back into place, allowing his tall stature stand in a way that allowed D to block the view of Xh. I had moved to the other side near D and could see Xh just looking back. Part of me wanted to take him outside and just tell him all the things going through my mind in that instant. I knew that was not going to help the situation. I would look like the crazy XW and it is not what needed to happen. It was not the right time or place for one. The kids didn't need it and frankly, I didn't need to use up more energy on him.

Now, how do I know it was intentional? It would come out later that my sister had seen him on her way out. He spoke to my F and said how much he thought of my dad and missed him. I am sure that was sincere. My F was very touched - WAS. He is not feeling very happy about it now. My sister told Xh that his family was inside and the kids were really not handling any of this well. Now, my poor sister is feeling bad because she used the term family. I have told her none of this is her doing and that is just a general term used. It was still accurate. His kids are his family. It doesn't matter if it somehow made him upset. That was his choice to leave the family. All choices have consequences. Some good, some not good. That is how choices work. He can be upset with whatever he wishes but he has to own his own part in his choices. He doesn't and it is very clear he still doesn't. He snapped back at my sister that he only has a relationship with one of his kids.

It is very telling that he has no plans to reconcile with D. He wants her to suffer and beg is my guess. I hate to inform him he has now put the final nail in the coffin with D. I don't see him coming back from this. That event along with my M dying were easy ins for him. The mere fact that "Cookie Monster" could have just as easily been one of his own children. Why not see that life is full of moments things change on a dime? Instead he chose to throw fuel on a fire.

My anger with him has subsided to a degree. I do not want to hear how he is suffering and lashing out. I don't want to hear how he is in crisis. My new boundary with him is being set because he chose to be cruel to D. I have seen how cruel he can be in crisis. Get help - that is my answer to him. I don't have to and won't put up with his "emotions". I have been going through family photos and such. I found a box full of what are his photos. I was going to give them to him. I am going to give them to my BIL instead, as many are of the family as children. I am done being thoughtful. I will keep the wedding photos and happier times to show my kids they were not imagining a F who loved me or them.

I won't totally erase history, but I am starting a new life with someone who makes me feel loved and secure. Xh has shown he is not going to play nice and I am now having to place a boundary and maybe it is time to reconsider that moat with alligators in it around the house. 

[UrsaMajor]

GWPWE "suffering" and "being in crisis" is still not an excuse for being a walking Richard Cranium with ears.

Like you said, he made his choices and with those choices come consequences. Whether he likes it or not, those consequences are HIS to own and deal with (or not, as is typical for many Mid-Lifers). The bottom line is that he is still pissy that D won't give him a "Get Out of Jail Free" card and expects him to man up and own his $#it which, for him, is apparently impossible to do or even contemplate. Why? Because it would mean admitting that HE was the one that made bad choices, accepting that it really IS his fault that everything went to Hades in a handbasket and it is HIS responsibility to make amends, no one else's.

As we have all experienced, accepting responsibility in an MLC'ers worst nightmare (unless, like the rare bird, i. e. RCR's H or Acorn's H they actually do end up pulling their heads out of their ..... fog.... and really working through the issues that are haunting them).

Tip of the hat to the "good guy" for running (or "standing") interference.... and even more for not whacking GWPWELFV with a 2x4..... Not so sure I would have been able to maintain my cool in such a situation if it was the D of my partner that was the puddle in front of me......

As for the interaction with your F, my personal opinion is that was for show to say "See, I'm really just a misunderstood good guy... Poor pitiful me....."

Lastly, an MLC'ers life and feeling are solely based on their own naval-gazing so S suggesting that GWPWELFV come to support the family and friends of the Cookie Monster and that it was NOT about GWP's feelings probably fell on a deaf ear or at least an ear that twisted it around to make is sound like a way to get his own (GWPWE's ) "feelz" for the day......

But, end of the story, the boundary is a good one.....

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - that is what I keep coming back to - Xh and his continual choices. It was so utterly unnecessary to say anything at all the other day. He chose to stir the pot, and I think he likes that it upsets the kids and I. It means he still can get a response out of us.

D went back to school and is trying to focus on what she needs to. S told me he is trying to keep himself occupied and allowing himself to feel.

In the mix our younger cat, who has been known to wander from time to time, but always comes back went missing within a day or two of our neighbor passing away. This cat moved in with us a couple of years ago and the older cat and he were inseparable. The older cat goes out every morning and night and does a quick sweep looking for him. I had convinced myself in the nearly 3 weeks he has been missing that either he has been taken in by someone or the coyotes had gotten him. He was very smart and had "outdoor cat smarts". My niece doesn't like cats, but loved this one. She proclaimed one day he was an angel. S was especially fond of him. We all were quite frankly, even when he would wake one of us up when in the middle of the night he wanted to play.

I have been going out every morning and night calling of him, knowing it was possible he was maybe lost. This morning I felt so very alone when I was driving my F to his PT appointment and spotted what turned out to be our cat. It didn't register at the time - I think I was in shock. I came back home and drove the short distance, as it is a busier road on that side of the house and the minute I got out of the car I knew it was him. He has been trying to get back home and must have turned quickly to avoid a car, but it must have clipped him. I don't even know how I managed to pick him up in the towels I brought with me. I had told S and he was going to come home to bury him. I made decision to not let S see the little ball of fur in that state, even though he looked like he was napping in the sunlight to some degree. We have had enough sadness and I really don't remember making the call to the vet and some of the steps between. It is a blur to be honest. I just knew I had to have the cat cremated so that the kids have something and we will do what we have done with all the pets since Xh left.

I know my person was not here, but has been checking on me. I have that support and that means so much.

I think this is stirring up some weird emotions for me in regards to Xh. When he left, he left D's cat and his own cat. That cat became so anxious when he left, she tore up a couch and it took a long time for her to relax. I became her person. She was a cranky old cat, but she and I had been through all of MLC together. She lived a very long life and when she finally had to be put down, I had to do that on my own.

The older cat, he is still here, and I don't really know how. He seems to hold on for D. This summer he had an injury that should have done him in and yet, he fought through it. He sleeps at the end of my bed when I am home, but the minute D is home, he goes straight to her. The younger one, used to follow and they both would curl up on her bed. It was as if the older cat was training the younger one to take his place.

The dog we have now, is our dog, but before that we had the dog S got when he was in 6th grade. Xh actually wanted to emancipate S and fought about paying any support for either kid, but wanted custody of the dog. The judge was furious when she asked whose dog it was. Xh came back with S's and then proceeded to ask for every other weekend - for the dog. Not the kids. Very odd to witness. When the kids and I had to make the decision to have her put down, Xh didn't come to console the kids. He showed up at the vet's office and took photos of S holding the dog and then posted them on social media. S was furious. That was not the moment S wanted documented nor shared. Xh never offered to help pay for the cremation nor did he really bring any comfort. It was all about him. No surprise.

What maybe has me mildly triggered is me having to deal with the fallout from Xh's behavior this past weekend and now having to tell the kids makes me feel very much like I did with those other moments. It is falling on me and it is overwhelming. It is hard for me to process my own feelings because I have to be the one dealing with the hard stuff that Xh not only walked away from, but likes to make harder.

Compounding it was the fact that as I was putting the cat into the collapsible basket I brought with me, the neighbor, whose S we just had the memorial for drove into his driveway. He saw me as I was getting back into my car. He waved but I know he will ask me later what I was up to. That stupid little cat would wander over to see him and his W when they were outside. My neighbor loved that cat and was sad he was missing. I am a blubbering fool right now and sad, but I cannot equate losing my cat to losing a child. And he doesn't need more sadness heaped on him.

In all of this, the man in my life has been checking in. I know if he could be here he would be. That is such a good feeling. Right now I am wrestling through the trigger and just the sadness of this. Part of the sadness is that cat found us. He came during a rainstorm and adopted us when my M started her biggest changes in dementia. My M would ask me to bring him to see her when my parents stopped in. She chose the name D used for him. Losing him is bringing back feelings of losing my M again on top of it. Part of me is telling myself M and Cookie Monster - who loved that cat are baking cookies and that cat is now with them. That is what I keep telling myself at least.

[UrsaMajor]

Good Grief.....

I am so sorry. You must feel like a punching bag at the moment. One thing after another.

[MourningDove]

I am home with whatever ailment is going around. So many people have been sick at work and then with the stress, I was bound to pick up at least a cold. I feel a bit defeated today. The feeling will pass.

S posted a tribute to the cat. Immediately he had several responses and one was from Cookie Monster's fiancé, who said she believes that cat is keeping my M and Cookie Monster company. S laughed and said Cookie Monster absolutely loved that cat which is not an understatement. That cat was much like Cookie Monster, loved by all who met him.

IDK - I have so much to be happy about and to look forward to. I am blessed and I know that. It is just that this year has been so hard emotionally. And, for D especially. She is alone at school and I at least have support around me. She has her friends at school and her therapist. She has understanding professors who know she has been thrown some tough things recently. She powers through and when I talked to her yesterday she too is battling this virus going around. S has it as well, although he is on the other side of it now.

I am going to sit outside in the sunshine and hopefully the fresh air and warmth will help me a bit. I don't want to wallow in bed all day. My body needs the rest, but I am awake and I need some form of cheer or at least not a reason to let emotions bring me down. I also don't need to be in a situation where I am in my head, which is where going back to bed will lead atm.

The older cat is out making his rounds around the house searching for his little buddy. He no longer wanders very far and will be at the backdoor to report back soon. He will be very vocal, I am sure.

I am no longer feeling triggered. Just worn out. In the past a trigger would have taken the life out of me for days.